grin and bear it

better yet, forget that you exist for the next three weeks at least. easier that way.

it's a lonely planet at this stage. oo, kanya-kanyang purgatoryo lang yan. may trabaho kang kailangang gawin but no one's paying me to become a mom. and most probably it's gonna be a thankless job.

you'd foreseen this. you'd predicted how it would turn out. and still, you pushed through with it. nagpaligaw ka pa rin. bumigay ka pa rin.

kaya eto. bahala na ko sa buhay ko dahil wala ka namang magagawa, your hands are tied. i'm a selfish hormonal bitch, preoccupied by my own needs. and because i'm irrational, i don't say a thing to you. at least, not beyond my one-sentence monologues. i try to grin and bear it, because i have unreasonable needs and you need to be out there.

so grin and bear it, bitch, even if underneath you just want to kick and scream.

he wants a boy...

but secretly i'm wishing for a girl. so i guess it's up to the gods now.

* * *

my body's changing everyday. i'm happily looking forward to the day, but i'm only halfway through, and i've gained so much weight already. :-( dreading the next four months' worth of poundage that i've yet to gain.

hindi lang yung pounds, though it's the biggest villain in this sweet li'l fairy tale. i've heard of changes that only people in this stage go through. depigmentations. stretches. veins. bloatedness. gawd. the vain little bitch in me is crying foul. it's hard to be a mom when you're a vain little bitch like me. you go through days and days of frustrations. you're getting uglier by the day and you can't do anything about it.

yeah, yeah i'm sure you'll likely say "ang importante, healthy si baby". syempre, given na yun. pero can i rant about this state of helplessness pa rin? tsk. i wish i could just stop eating so much. i'm taking vitamins and milk so the RDA for baby is covered. i just wish i could stop feeding MY face and expanding MY ass and focus on taking care just what baby needs.

last january, a schoolmate of mine was 5 months on the way. now she's given birth to a baby girl. parang ambilis lang. so i guess tama ang isang acquaintance. mabilis lang ito. before i know, magiging malaki na ang pagbabago ng buhay ko. at hindi ko maikakaila...i'm scared. scared like crazy, dahil i'm totally clueless. and i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared for it. i'm trying to be financially prepared for it, though. i just don't know right now where to place a baby in the scheme of my life. i guess when it's there i'll find just the place for it. for him. or her.

despite my little whines, though, there are little joys, too. like feeling little pitik-like movements in my tummy. and looking forward to my first ultrasound, and knowing if it's gonna be a she or a he. i just pray na sana normal siya. with normal-sized, proportionate body parts, just the normal number of body parts, with perfectly functioning body parts. haha.

* * *

stayed up all night to finish work. now i'm done with the script, i can rest now. sorry baby, nagpuyat ako...ngayon lang naman, at promise buong araw matutulog tayo. ;-)

pet peeve night

ayoko sa mayabang, period. immaterial kung may ipagyayabang o wala. ka-turnoff lang.