Throwback Monday

May nahalukay ako sa old blog ko from January 2008. Matinding crisis ang pinagdadaanan ko noon. Turning point sa buhay ko. Paradigm shift nang sobra.

"today is the day. 

when i got the message yesterday, sumama ang pakiramdam ko. natakot ako na baka mangyari ang kinatatakutan ko, na baka mangyari uli yung nangyari nung december 29. 

stick with the truth. maniwala man sila o hindi. at least you told the truth.

* * *

december 30. linggo. 
nagkita kami ni BBB sa MRT Cubao. sabi ko, simba muna tayo sa baclaran. 
bumaba kami ng taft, sumakay ng LRT papuntang baclaran. bagong lugar. refreshing palang pumunta sa bagong lugar pag may problema ka.

bukod sa mga bagong lugar, refreshing din palang maglakad-lakad. kahit saan, basta naglalakad. 

bago makarating ng baclaran church, dumaan kami sa mataong eskinita. talipapa pala sya. kahit yun, refreshing din. maputik, maingay, masikip pero welcome sa kin yung bagong lugar.

finally, nakarating kami sa simbahan. may misa. tagal ko nang hindi naka-attend ng misa. 

pagkatapos ng misa, nag-commute kami papuntang star city. bumaba kami sa harap ng CCP. naalala ko yung mga araw ng c1nem@laya. naisip ko nun kung makakasali pa kaya ako sa c1nemalaya. tanggapin pa kaya nila ako? bumalik na naman yung bad feelings from the day before, pero hindi ko na ibinuhos sa kasama ko. kasi special ang araw na yon, ayokong sirain. 

star city. first time kong makapunta dun. 
all access ang pinili namin. takot ako sa mga rides na nanghahalukay ng bituka. sobra. pero yung kasama ko parang addict yata sa mga ganun. una naming sinakyan yung Viking, malaking barko na nakalambitin. halukay bituka level 3 in a scale of 1 to 5, pero dahil napakatagal ng ride, naging level 4 sya sa kin. parang bubulwak ang mga lamang loob ko sa paulit-ulit na pagkaka-itsa sa hangin.

sabi ko kay BBB, ayoko na ng mga ganong rides please. ang mokong, na-bad trip sa kin. ang KJ ko daw. pilitan portion ito. sabi ko, sumakay kang mag-isa, papanoorin na lang kita. takot namang sumakay mag-isa! 

eh di sige na nga, pasalamat sya mabait ako. chos. pumila na kami for halukay bituka ride #2. Blizzard ang tawag sa ride, parang mini rollercoaster. bawat ride isang oras kang pipila at may isang oras akong dreadfully waiting, habang pinapanood ang mga naunang sumasakay. pagbaba nila, halos lahat hindi maipinta ang mga mukha sa hilo/excitement/shock. sabi ni BBB, pumikit na lang daw ako. pumikit ako pero nakakaloka pa rin. mararamdaman mo yung sobrang bilis nyo na para kayong babangga. buti na lang mabilis lang yung ride, kaya halukay bituka level 3 lang din sya.

dahil all access pass kami, lahat na yata ng horror hauses pinasok namin. ang corny pero enjoy, kasi masarap lang magsisigaw. pag natatakot ka parang sumasaya ka na rin. 

maga-alas dose na nung pumila kami para sa Log Jam (?), yung nakasakay ka sa isang raft tapos magsa-slide down kayo sa isang sloping water stream. nung turn na namin sumakay sa raft tamang-tamang alas dose na. happy anniversary! 

naloka na naman ako sa halukay bituka ride na to. love ko ang tubig pero napaka-steep ng pagsa-slide-an nyo, at walang safety belt ampotah! kaya gravity at si BBB na lang ang naging sources of security ko. ganun din, sa sobrang bilis para kayong babangga, pero maikli lang yung ride. kaya halukay bituka level 2 lang din sya.

sabi ko, naku baka maging tulad ng log jam ang next year natin.
sabi nya, ayaw mo nun, exciting?
ako: exciting, pero puro ups and downs.
sya: eh ganun naman talaga, di ba?

tameme na ko. hindi ko kasi alam kung gusto ko yung ganung klaseng buhay. yung parang ride na exciting pero hahalukayin ang bituka mo. at that time parang mas gusto ko na lang sumakay sa carousel. 

pero on second thought, ayoko din ng carousel. kasi paikot-ikot lang yun, walang pupuntahan.

well at least na-survive ko yung tatlong nakakatakot na rides na yun. sige, ok ako sa log jam type of life. basta ba sa ending maassure ko ang sarili ko na masu-survive ko ang lahat lahat in the end. 

eh ang problema, hindi naman ganun ang life. wala namang assurance sa kahit ano. haha. 

naalala ko nung 8 years old ako at sumakay ng ferris wheel sa perya. hindi ko nakayanan ang halukay bituka factor. level 5 talaga non, for an 8yearold. umiyak ako, sabi ko sa tita ko, patigilin yung ferris wheel. tinigil nga, at bumaba ako. may option na ganon. pwede naman e. walang nawala sa kin. except yung experience ng matapos ko ang first ever ferris wheel ride of my life.

eto na naman ang ferris wheel, star city Ride#4. natense ako dahil sa sobrang taas from sea level. pero hindi naman pala sya nakakatakot. para ka lang nag-hot air balloon. masaya! yun yon e. buti na lang sumakay ako. otherwise hindi ko alam na hindi naman pala sya scary. me kasabihan din tungkol sa ganito devah. haha.

andaming naglipanang mga nagde-date sa star city nung gabing yon. para talagang pang-date venue sya in the conventional, textbook sense. sabi ko kay BBB, ano kaya kung dito mo ko dinala nung first date natin? sabi nya, siguro hindi mo ko sinagot. haha. true! 

at the end of the night masaya naman, parang hindi ako nagngangangawa nung the night before. walang traces nun, nung gabing yon. sayang nga lang wala akong camera."

Reading this, remembering that time…naiyak na lang ako bigla. Kahit pala 6 years na, andami nang nangyari sa buhay ko, and I’ve all but moved on, pag nirelive mo at binasa mo…masakit pa rin. Para kang nagtatime travel sa time na yon, pero iba na ang perspective mo. dahil nung sinusulat ko ang entry na ‘to noon, I wasn’t writing with metaphors or rhetorics in mind.  Reading it again, it was just so painfully poignant, how everything just reflected the state of my life at that time, maybe subconsciously I had been aware, but I was just writing for catharsis.  Just writing to let it out. How the events of my day in the wake of a painful event somehow distracted me from the pain.

It was painfully beautiful, too, how raw I had sounded, how honest, in my mother tongue, not outright saying everything I was feeling, not completely aware of the things I was realizing. Nas apunto pa ako ng pag-iin-in. pagpoproseso. Basag na basag pa ako. kaya siguro sobrang totoo.

Looking back. God had been there. I had sinned. I had caused pain. And possibly, trauma. But God had been there. In the people who surrounded me and gave me support and love. in otap, on that Star City night. In Monj, during that afternoon talk in sm north. In rose, during that night when I had called her on the phone. God had been with me the whole time. He had helped me get through it. Just like in that song Footprints in the Sand.

Thank you Lord, for friends. For loved ones. Thank you Lord, for having been there for me, even if I hadn’t been there for you much. I’m so sorry, Lord. I will try to be there for you more often. You have been so good to me. You have been so good to my family. Despite my indifference. Despite my emotional absence. Despite my mistakes and weaknesses. You helped me survive that difficult time.

Hanggang ngayon Lord hindi ko pa alam kung anong ibig sabihin non. I had thought that you had wanted me to give up on directing. Have I learned the lesson, Lord? Have you redirected me to where I should be? Am I really meant to write?

Or maybe it wasn’t a lesson about what career to choose? It was a lesson about too much ambition, and how it can blind you. Literally. Seeing without really seeing. Blind and deaf and numb to the situations of other people around you.

Maybe that was the lesson. Sana po, natutunan ko na. Sana po, after 34 years, mas sensitive na ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Dahil kapag namatay ang isang tao, hindi mahalga kung naging magaling syang direktor o writer o anuman.  Mahalaga kung naging mabuti syang tao.

Lord, gusto ko pong maging mabuting tao. I want to be better as a person than what I am now. Please show me how, Lord. I want to be a better mother and wife, a better daughter and sister, a better friend. Please, Lord, tell me how. 

34 years and counting

Hopefully, many many more 34 years to go.
I spent the birthday quietly, at home, in front of my laptop. Slaving away to meet a deadline. Not a bad thing at all, not as bad as some people with fixed jobs would probably think. Having work on my birthdays has always been something to thank God for. Earnig a living while celebrating life.

Sadly, though, the "earning" part has yet to come, when it comes to the stuff I'm working on now. Developmental, um, purgatory. Test of endurance and perseverance ito. Okay lang, Lord. I've slacked off quite enough. I understand.

So many things to thank the Lord for. My early thirties has been a landmark period. I became a wife, a mother, gained another family (my husband's), grew up in so many ways, more than I ever have at any period in my life.

In my early thirties, I discovered something really wonderful about myself. That I still had (have!) the capacity to be interested in new things, to LEARN new things, to become other things.

At 31, I discovered financial literacy.  I stumbled upon a book, and that became the start of a personal journey. I got interested in investing, saving besides the conservative way. Thinking of financial security, retirement, even health. I read up on mutual funds, insurance, special time deposits. And  after learning, I took action. I dove in as soon as I had understood what I needed to know, because (as they say) the best time to prepare for the future is now.

Thank you Lord. Because I know, stumbling upon that book was no accident. You had a hand in it. Thank you, for giving me that gift. Because ten years ago, I didn't even understand the concept of saving. At least, not the long-term, for-old-age kind.

At 32, I got interested in self-improvement. Kikay stuff, stuff that I had only read about, stuff that up until that time I'd thought only artistas could get their hands on. In a way I had fulfilled a longtime secret desire. (But, well, hindi ko pa naaachieve yon hanggang ngayon. Kaunti lang.) And because it was, well, costly, I turned my new interest into a business so that I could sustain my little "vice".

At 32, I learned about something new. Nearly everything about that something new, and it was the first time I had given a thought about my health. Because aside from the vanity part of it, it was also healthy. Yes, not natural, but healthy in many ways. Because of its antioxidant properties.

(So can you guess what that "thing" is now? Don't even count on me to mention it here. It's my little open secret! Haha)

But more than gaining that new knowledge, I had also delved into something beneficial. A business! It was small-scale, just reselling, really. But it's a little step towards my financial goals. Earning 300, 400, 500 per item that I resell has augmented my income somehow. And has enabled me to afford life's little luxuries without damaging my savings. Hanggang ngayon, kahit hindi na ako kasing-active as two years ago, buhay pa rin ang maliit kong business na ito. Thank you Lord!

Then at 33, I fell in love again. With baking! I bought myself a cheap convection oven, and from there a sizzling affair in my kitchen began.  Taking on baking has contributed a lot to my life, to my personhood. It's fulfilling in so many ways. It's creative. It's challenging. It's therapeutic. During my honeymoon days with baking (the first 3-4 months), it was all I ever wanted to do. The same way I had felt about writing, when I was just starting to fall in love with it twenty years ago. I just wanted to write and write, because there were no pressures, no expectations, no deadlines or duties to fulfill. I wrote for the joy of it.

At 33, somehow that joy had significantly diminished, because writing had become a job. Well, i'm not complaining really. We have our ups and downs. you don't have to enjoy your job all the time. That would be too ideal. Masyado ka namang swerte non.

Anyway, back to baking, in a span of 7 months I had tried maybe about two dozen recipes! Cakes, pastries, baked meat, roasted meat. My rule for choosing what to bake is simple--if I like eating it (or someone I love likes eating it), then I'll bake it. In a way, baking has brought out a new kind of creative person in me. It also brought out the conventional wife and mother in me. It brought out the giver in me, because it's such a joy baking for others, it makes me happy when other people eat the stuff I create. Baking is twice as pleasurable for me when I do it for friends and family, for people I love and care about.

And then, at the tailend of my 33rd year, another interest came up-- blogging. Okay, so I've been blogging since i was 24. But this time, I created a new blog for business purposes. With the intention of creating online content that would attract ads. I've read about bloggers who make tens of thousands of dollars MONTHLY on ad placements, and yes, that inspired me. Right now, one of my most inspired dreams is to be able to earn a nice sum of money (in dollars/euros!) monthly by blogging alone.

Tall order? Well, marami pang dapat aralin sa totooo lang. At competitive ang market ng bloggers. But the good thing about me right now is, well, I'm fired up! I'm determined! And when I'm determined, I do stuff. I move. I make things happen. If I want something, I really try my darn best to get it, do whatever it takes. Even if it means having to learn something totally new.

Note: Sorry for the immodesty! (since I just turned 34, pagbigyan na!)

Lots of things to learn about still. But another good thing about this new venture-- it combines two of my passions: writing, and cooking! Actually, well, three! Including Eating! And given that, I can write on and on for as long as I'm cooking and eating.

And just a month before I turned 34, another passion has emerged! The healthiest of all-- JUICING! This I don't know where it started. Honestly. I just realized one day that juicing was a good idea to get fruits and veggies into me without having to go through the ordeal of eating those greens. And yes, I wanted so badly to lose weight.

So this one is just beginning, and I'm really hoping that I could maintain this habit for life.

Naninibago ako sa sarili ko, just looking at the past three years. Kasi at 28 I had felt so passionless. I didn't care about anything, did have the urge to get into something new. Kung kailan naging 30 something ako, doon naman narenew ang aking hunger for knowledge and experience. Ganito ba talaga?

honestly, nagsisimula bawat interes sa pagiging gullible ko. Madali akong masway. At pag napaniwala na ako na maganda nga ang isang bagay, na it's going to be good for me, dun na nagsisimula ang interes ko. In fairness naman, wala namang naging ningas kugon sa mga personal endeavors ko since I had turned 30. I'm still into the same things. Nagmumutual funds pa rin ako, I still  bake, I still do that "kikay" thing (though not as often as before--magastos kasi!). I'm still a believer of all that, and looking to believe in more good things. Opening my mind and heart to more new healthy and happy passions for the next many years to come :-)

Passion is the keyword. I hadn't thought I still had that! Thank you for my early 30s Lord. I hope life gets even better from here on. I'll try to do my best to pay forward and give back for the rest of my life.

Cheers to being 34!













 

been a long time

been busy with life. started a new blog. that one's for business. but this is personal. 

been doing stuff for work, all of which have yet to bear fruit in the future. financially, at least. horror. a first time. kids show concepts. bloody. for the past three days, i've been pulling both lead-laden feet to finish a storyline for drama. three friggin days. life on a stoplight. everything on hold. ang bigat lang talaga ng isang ito. 

then finally, on the third day, at around 4 pm, i was done. what i did after? juiced. baked strawberry cheesecake. whipped up salmon salad. yup, 4pm onwards today were my most productive hours. felt so free, so unburdened, so...relieved. life on a greenlight again. 

just checked in to say that. ang hirap talaga kumita ng pera.  thank you lord, for work. and the free time after. that's the best part.