dreaming of HK

sa gitna ng kalbaryo, lumilipad ang isip ko sa HK.

sobrang excited na akong magbakasyon dun. sobra, sobra.

tickets, check.

acccommodations, check.

application for vacation leave at work, check.

audrey's passport application- this saturday.

research and fine-tuning of itinerary- very soon.

malapit na, actually, two months to go.

but as always, a lot has to happen in the next two months, work-wise.

not complaining. thanking god. dahil sa trabaho, may pangHK ako.

excited na ako sa disneyland. sigurado, happy memory yun ni bagets.

excited na ako sa authentic chinese food! favorite namin yun ni hubby! lalo na si hubby, na pihikan sa pagkain. uuwi syang 5 pounds heavier! mwahaha

si mama.. i just wish she'd enjoy being in a foreign country for the second time in her lifetime. the first time, hindi daw sya masyadong nakagala.  maybe she'd enjoy shopping, or the casino in macau. basta dapat gawin kong project ang masigurong mag-enjoy si mama. because this vacation came to be primarily because i wanted to go on a mom-anak bonding with my mom. it was actually supposed to be just her and me.

hay. sana lang balang araw makaexperience naman akong mag-check-in sa isang 5-star hotel and not worry about how expensive it is. i want to go on vacations around the world, and not be worried about the dent it might make on our savings.

don't look back

just keep going.

that's what i've been conditioning myself to do these past few months.

but i'm a look-back-and-reflect kind of person by nature. which sometimes--no, most of the time--slows me down. but, it also helps me see things from a different perspective.

sa ngayon, yun ang wala ako. yung luxury, to look back and look at the big picture. i just need to keep going. going, going until we reach the finish line. because i am tired, we all are, and personally, i just want to move on.

detachment helps me keep going.

it's been a wonderful ride. a magical first three months, actually. that alone makes this project very special to me. it's given me what it can give. how i wish i can give more to it, how i wish i can give it more of me. pero walang time. to look back, to ruminate, to wait for the story to unfold in the four corners of my little mind. now is no longer like before.

it's much easier to just settle for mediocrity and keep myself within the comfort zone. gusto ko pa ring makagawa ng magandang trabaho, pero kung pakiramdam ko ako lang ang may honest-to-goodness desire to still keep fighting (at least, within the group) at yung iba, sige na lang, iraos na lang.. nakakadampen ng spirits. nakakawala ng puso.

this is a job. pero sa bawat iluwal may kalakip yang puso. more often, than not. o kahit dun sa mga jinejebs mo na lang at feeling mo namind-rape ka.. mahirap pa rin. may maliit na parte pa rin ng puso mo ang nandoon. kahit gaano kaliit.

but then, there's no time to stop. much less look back. i will just haveto keep going. ang hirap talaga ng natataranta, di ka makaisip nang maayos. just taking a short breather to write this, para lang i-immortalize ang puntong ito ng buhay ko.

three scripts to the end.  let's keep going.

mind-rape

ganyan ang naramdaman ko habang tinatapos ang nakatokang script for week 18. utak na pilit na pinipiga kahit pagod  at said na. 

habang nagsusulat, bilang ako nang bilang. at 1 in the morning, 13 sequences pa.  natapos ako, 8 in the morning. how could 13 frickin sequences take up my entire night?  

bakit feeling ko lagi, bilanggo ako ng deadline? kapag may deadline, hindi ako makausap nang masaya ako. parang laging may nakadagan sa mga balikat ko. wala akong wisyo ng petsa, oras, o taon. kapag may deadline, lalong mas masarap matulog, gumawa ng kung anu-ano malibanna lang sa magsulat. spending time i hadn't earned yet. i do a lot of that, and this is the price. mind-raping myself because time was running out. feeling like a prisoner. loving my job a little lot less than i would on normal days. 

week 18. last two weeks to go. yehey. i will miss you, you two lovebirds. pero sa bilis ng mga pangyayari at sa pagtira-tira ko na lang ng mga bagay, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga pinagsususulat ko from weeks 15-18.  dati, kabisado ko kung anong nangyayari sa bawat linggo. ngayon... zzzzz. kiung ang mismong writer ng show ay tinatamad nang manood, matakot ka na. that means it's turned into a show that not even the writer could love. 

but no, i love our show. it's the closest to my heart in recent years. it's just that... after 1 year working on this, pagod na ako... gusto kong magbakasyon, kahit sa ilang linggo lang na nakatihaya at nakatunganga lang ako. 

gusto kong magbaguio actually. nang wlang dinadalang trabaho doon. wedding anniversary namin ng husband ko, hihilingin ko sa kanya na ilibre ako sa buffet. yun nga lang, nasa baguio ang bufffet. hehe. 

excited na akong planuhin ang HK disneyland trip namin ng anak ko at mama ko at husband ko. 

i long to travel europe. 

i long to go to japan. 

i LOOONG to visit the US. 

i want my own car. dahil looban itong lugar namin at ang hirap kumuha ng taxi!

pero at the same time, i have a financial quota for the year, too. if i am going to meet that one, walang lugar sa 2016 ang kotse o kahit anong byahe except HK na nakaplano na. 

gusto ko lang magsallita na talaga. dahil napapansin ko, no one from my network really wanted to comment on it. maybe it was the wisest thing to do. pero hindi ko lang talaga masikmura yung mga santo santitang nanghuhusga ng tao at pinupublish ang unfairly formed opinion nila sa social media. di nyo ba narirealize, you're crucifying the person! hindi mo pa nga narinig ang side nya! hindi tamang nilabas yung sulat na yun sa social media. parang gusto mo talagang ipahiya yung nirereklamo mo. parang gusto mo talaga syang kuyugin. yun ba ang hustisya? o gusto mong gumanti? 

you're an outsider, doing a job that you don't even KNOW how to do. you don't even know that you are costing the production MONEY because you don't know how to do your job right. not an excuse para muramurahin ka, maybe. sino ba naman ang may gusto na mamura sya. pero you publishing that open letter, you are way out of line. 

anyway, 10:28 am. timefor bed. i'll probably be dead to the world until after lunch. im SO happy na aalis na sila for US in two days. at least, kahit papano, some time to breath bago umarangkada uli.