Purpose

today I'm planning to do something I haven't done in more than a decade.  the first time i did it, it was such a big deal then. my be all and end all. pero ngayon... baka-sakali lang. kung gugustuhin ng Diyos. kung ayon sa kanya ay handa na ako para sa ganitong klaseng responsibilidad.

if makapasok, it means God believes I have the right mind-set now. that i am ready- emotionally, spiritually. that i am mature enough, wise enough, not to make the same mistakes again.

if hindi, then either I'm not yet ready, or that's not my purpose. and that's perfectly okay, because I'm happy, with who I am and what I am now. hindi na "yun" ang lunduyan ng mga pangarap ko. hindi na yun ang be all end all ko. 9 years since my painful awakening and I want to believe I have at least learned something. that taking on that path is not because I want things for ME, what the world can do to me or FOR me, but the other way around.

may viber group na isinali ako. wala masyadong umiimik doon except the resident priest who would viber-message the gospel and homily every Saturday evening. I remember one of his gospel-homilies-- about the parable of the talents. may sariling interpretation si Father. meron din ako, na maa-apply ko sa buhay ko at  siguro sa kaso na rin ng marami.

the things we were born with, whatever they are-- a good voice, a creative imagination, a brain for numbers, what have you-- we cannot take credit for them. they are gifts from God-- and gifts like talents are given to us, not because we deserve them or did anything to earn them, but because maybe, God feels that we would be a good instrument for that specific gift to benefit other people.

i believe we all have a gift, it may not be a literal talent or inborn skill (gift din yung may charisma sa tao, may natural empathy, good listening skills), but we were all given something that we can be good at.  anuman yun, binigay sa atin yun para ipamahagi sa iba, para makatulong sa mundong ginagalawan natin, pagyamanin yun and become spiritually-better persons (and help enrich others spiritually, as well) because of those gifts.

pero kung ang gift na ibinigay sa iyo, o yung bagay na ikinasasaya mong gawin, ay hindi makakabuti sa iyo bilang tao... hindi nya ibibigay. ililihis ka nya.

kaya sa mga kaibigan kong nag-eencourage sa akin, nakakataba talaga ng puso. pero hindi ako ang magdedesisyon kung nararapat ko bang ituloy yung sinimulan kong kakarampot noon. God knows better, God knows me so much better than I know myself. Yes, I want to go back. Yes I want to do it again. But it's not my decision to make. I surrender my destiny to God, dahil mas alam Nya kung anong makakabuti para sa akin at sa ating lahat.

kahapon, naramdaman ko habang nagpapaburn ako ng DVDs, yung dating ako, whenever I would be immersed in a project--- yung makulit, mabusisi, may pagka-OC, yung perfectionist. nakakatakot, kasi lumalabas lang yun kapag direktor ang role ko sa isang proyekto.  kaya ipinapaubaya ko na lang lahat sa Diyos. Mas alam nya.

kung sakali man na palarin, at gustuhin nyang ipagpatuloy ko, I've made a promise to myself that it's not going to be about me. Not about prestige power (money... hmm) but the responsibility. Social responsibility, moral responsbility.  the parable of the talents- kapag binigay sa iyo, pagyamanin mo, hindi para sa sarili mo (hindi naman ikaw ang magaling bes. sa totoo lang.), kundi para sa iba.

obligasyon ng isang filmmaker na magmulat ng isip, magharap ng salamin sa ating lahat para makita natin kung ano talaga from the perspective of a certain person, obligasyon nya to show truth, realities, help uncover pieces of this great puzzle, enlighten, inspire, entertain, be an instrument of the good.  ganun din ang writer, actually. kaya kung matanggap man o hindi, makapasa man o hindi, okay lang. I am in a place where I feel I am, somehow, serving a purpose. ang diperensya lang, noon, mas naeenjoy ko ang pagdidirek kesa pagsusulat. mas madali sya for me (at sabi din ng ibang direktor na dating writer, mas madali naman talaga ang pagdidirek kesa pagsusulat--for nearly everybody).

natuwa lang ako dahil finally, naiupload ko na ang thesis film ko sa internet. after 15 years sa baul. salamat sa techonology. i don't want to dwell on the past, pero nang mapanood ko sya uli after a while, parang nagbalik lahat ng masasayang memories--- when it used to be about the process, about the journey. noon, wala pang awards awards. thesis ko lang sya, anak ko lang sya, at gusto ko lang na magawa sya nang maganda. and I enjoyed every step of the way, and all of it was so pure. almost spiritual-- creating something, and enjoying it. being so passionate about it, it doesn't feel like (school) work at all.  I've been very lucky in so many aspects of that project-- magaling ang mga artistang napakiusapan ko, sinwerte ako dahil nung mga panahong naghahanap ako ng concept for a short film, I got to talk to the right person at the right time. Luck had a lot to do with it, honestly. And even if it came out the way it did because I did a good job, it's not something I should pat myself on the back for--- instrumento ka lang, bes.  May purpose kung bakit sa iyo ibinigay. It's not about you, at all, so always keep that in mind. You are just an instrument, so serve your purpose.

Lord, kayo na po ang bahala. Okay lang po kahit ano, Lord. I'm grateful for the things I have now, I cannot want for more (except.. money? promise po, ishashare ko! maraming makikinabang).

I'd better move my ass at asikasuhin na yung mga dapat isubmit. Kung aabot ako ng 5 PM submission today. Deadline bukas, pero gusto ko nang gawin to today para matapos na at maka-move on na ako bes! Bihira lang ang task-free days like this! Need ko na magpa-wax ng legs, pahaircut, padentist, kumuha ng sweldo, maggrocery, at marami pang ibang little thingies na kailangang asikasuhin sa life.

things to do vs things i want to do

There are so many things I want to do. Let me start with the kitchen.

I want to cook the soup recipes I found on Pinterest.

I want to try cooking my mother-in-law's favorite Sinigang.

I want to make and decorate My Little Pony cookies for my little one (everytime we watch the My Little Pony movie, the urge persists! Those ponies are all so cute!)

I want to cook pumpkin soup again.

I want to cookie the new recipe I got from our boss's chef (2nd hand info, but well--worth a try!)


Let's move on to the bedroom. (No.... not what you might think!)

I want-- no, NEED-- to do a major clearing of things. Part ways with stuff that only add to the clutter. Throw away things that I don't need anymore. Let go of my "darlings" (read: clutter)


Let's go outdoors.

I WANT-- no, DESIRE-- to go to the beach.

I want to travel out of the country-- but my passport! huhuhu. I haven't renewed it yet.

I want to lock myself in a pretty resort and write by the beach.


Let's go inward-- those little vanities (I'm not vain enough these days, sadly)

I NEED to get a haircut. But what I really want is a hair spa with a haircut. Or better yet, a hair rebond, hair spa, new color and a haircut.

I NEED to get a waxing session.


Let's do family.

I WANT to spend more time with my daughter. She's growing everyday, time is short.

I want to go somewhere beautiful with my mag-ama --- the beach! -- and just enjoy a relaxing, happy day with family.

I want to go on a second honeymoon with my husband-- and pretend we're still boyfriend and girlfriend.

I want to stay overnight at my parents' house.  And make the most of my stay there.

I  want to take my parents on a vacation they would truly enjoy.


Let's go to the mall!

I WANT to buy a new tray for my oven kasi kulang ang 2 trays kapag nagbebake ako.

I want to buy a new handmixer.

I want to buy that property right beside my mother-in-law's, that rundown apartment between Mommy's and Kuya's houses--- but wait, this is wishful thinking


Which leads me to wishes.

I WISH I had more money.
- To buy a lot of our own, and build a house of our own, right within our comfort zone-- meaning that lot between Mommy's and Kuya's houses (if only they are selling it! Please, sell it! You have no use for it! I know it will cost us a lot, to make this dream come true, and my husband probably wouldn't want to shell out too much because at the back of his mind he believes we don't need our own house and lot bought with hard-earned money, but... I'm going to wish that they would sell the property first. PLEASE SELL THE PROPERTY!)
- To make my parents comfortable for the rest of their lives, and not bleed from the additional money I'd have to shell out.
- To pay in full the lot property I've been paying for since 2016, and will still be paying for the next 3 years. (3 years na lang!!)
- To retire from my day job and start my own full-time business!
- To travel anywhere I want, whenever I want, and not mind how much it would cost me.
- To buy a car and not mind how much it would cost me.


All my other wishes... I'm still half-hearted about. Like being able to direct a first full-length film. Like going back to my filmmaking dream. Like moving up the corporate ladder (because it will give me a bigger salary!). Because I know there are trade-offs for these. But MONEY is concrete. MONEY = COMFORT. MONEY = FREEDOM, to do the things I want to do. MONEY = HAPPINESS. Because money na lang ang kulang.  I'm happy, thank You Lord, for a lot of things about my life. I'm counting blessings everyday. (Well... whenever I remember. But I SHOULD count everyday). My happy marriage. My mag-ama. My daughter. Blessings that are family, who support us in so many ways. A job that pays the bills and provides me fulfillment somehow, a job that matters in the grand scheme of things (at least in the world I am in). Good health (knock on wood, sana lagi lagi po Lord)-- not only mine, but my family's. Enough money to make life comfortable, to get by, to invest a little here and there.

Thank You, Lord. I hope you don't get mad at me for wishing for more... more money, that is.

If I had an extra 5 million pesos, I'd buy a self-liquidating property. Like a building or commercial property with spaces we can rent out.

Then the money that I would earn from that property, I'd use to finance a full-time business. I'd quit my job and focus on the business (pero bago ako mag-quit sa trabaho, dapat nakaipon na ako ng enough to live on for the next five years! All expenses should be covered!).

I can't be sure, maybe my confidence stems from not having enough knowledge, but at this point I think I have enough persistence and passion to be an entrepreneur.  At least those things, I know I have. Once I find the business that is promising and suits me, I'm going to embrace it. And do everything to make it grow.

So there.. so many things I want to do. So many things I wish I could have.

But back to reality. These are the things I need to do. Right now.
- prepare for a 2 pm meeting at work
- go to Cebuana to claim the small downpayment from a cookie client (overdue!)
- go to the bank to pay the monthly amortization for our lot property (overdue! huhu)
- give Philhealth a call to ask something about requirements we need to submit
- go to another bank to pay my accountant
- chaptering for the new show we are writing (Thank You Lord! they are now rolling! sana magtuluy-tuloy na)

Those TTDs, at the top of my head. I'm sure may nakalimutan ako. I'm sure may mga hahabol pa. At siginificant bulk of work ang kakailanganin for the first and last items.

Going back to wishes. How can I forget? I WISH I WOULD LOSE WEIGHT. Like, 30 pounds. HUHUHU. Wishful thinking.

And having a second baby? Yes, I'd like that. But my husband feels we are not financially prepared for it. And I'm halfhearted, too, because I don't know if I am prepared for another bundle of joy at this point. I don't know. Bahala na si Lord.

So on to the TTDs. Need to start ASAP to get a lot done.