year-ender survey

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
made the leap in many aspects of my life

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
di ako nagnyu-new year's resolutions e.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
pinsan ko

4. Did anyone close to you die?
dalawang titos ko.

5. What countries did you visit?
this year? wala e. pinas bound ako this year

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
the dream job. the dream career.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
december 31, 2007. first anniversary.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i got in the director's training program. directed a music video that i'm satisfied with.

9. What was your biggest failure?
saving up big for the rainy days

10. Did you suffer from illness or injury?
midway through the year, i had urinary tract infection.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
gifts for the BBBB all year round

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
BBBB

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine! blech.

14. Where did most of your money go?
cab fares. meals. cosmetics. toiletries. pamalengke every week.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the director's training program. baguio trip at midyear. zambales trip in the summer.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"i was dancing when i was 12..."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? HAPPIER in many aspects, SADDER in two aspects.

ii. thinner or fatter? THINNER. though it's never too late to gain more weight in the few remaining days of 2007.

iii. richer or poorer? POORER!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
freelance AD-ing for movie projects.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
bitching.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
did it. at home. not much fanfare. with family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
yes

23. How many one-night stands?
none!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
wala e.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
wala naman. free your heart from hatred, sabi ng pari.

26. What was the best book you read?
the lovely bones

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
t-rex!

28. What did you want and got?
i wanted the scholarship. i really, really wanted it! and i got it, thank god :-)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
andaming maganda e

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
was working in zambales on my birthday. i turned 27.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
love.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
you're never too physically imperfect to wear skirts!

34. What kept you sane?
family and friends!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmm. daniel craig. clive owen. john lloyd cruz.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Glorietta 2 bombing and the manila pen fiasco.

37. Who did you miss?
my friends and co-workers from the Dream Team.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
my MDAFI classmates!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
worrying is an indicator that you're lacking in trust and faith--in other people, in god.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
...and i thank god i'm alive, you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off you

masayang masayang masayang christmas sa inyong lahat

7 hours before christmas.

unsurprisingly, hindi ko maramdaman. last year, for emotional reasons. this year, for practical reasons naman.

ang nararamdaman ko, yung gastos. yung limited funds for such a traditionally grandiose season. kaya ang pasko ko this year, simple. hindi galante. next year na lang ako babawi. harinawa, next year, babawi ang tadhana sa akin. at ibabalik ko sa kapwa ko ang lahat ng mga mabubuti at masasayang bagay na ibibigay ng diyos.

nararamdaman ko din yung pagkaaligaga. dahil hindi bakasyon ang holidays this year. maraming gagawin, para sa skwela, at para na rin sa karaketang magiging pag-asa ng aming media noche. eto ang mga kaganapan sa mga susunod na araw:

dec 26.
kelangang malagyan na ng "check" ang lahat ng practical items sa checklist na gagawin ko for my december 27 shoot. kelangang balikan ko ang konsepto, balikan ang rason kung bakit sya ang pinili kong gawin, kung bakit ako naniniwala na dapat syang gawin at karapat-dapat namang mapanood onscreen. nalunod na kasi ako sa mga gawain at pangyayari ng past several weeks. i need to go back to organic mode.
on the other hand, kelangan ko ding maghanap ng extra funding para sa nakikinita kong gastusin sa december 27.

dec 27.
shoot ko. god-willing, with god's grace, matapos sya on time at makuha ko ang intention ko.

dec 28.
shoot for the comedian-child star movie. kelangan namin ang isang araw na to. kelangan ko din to. sana hindi kami umagahin. birthday pa naman ng direktor, sana magaan ang shoot.

dec 29.
supporting actress mode sa shoot ng isa kong kaklase. workshop for another classmate's film. pagkatapos ng lahat-lahat, lilipad ako papuntang boni for THE racket. magdamagan na ito. magdadala na ko ng damit at iba pang kailangan para sa...

dec 30.
lead actress mode sa shoot ng isa ko pang kaklase. malamang puyat-puyatan ako dito pero sige lang go. tutal burnout hooker naman ang role. haha. sana lang magawan ng milagro ni fashion artiste g@bb ang mga raccoon circles ko sa mata, kung sakali.
pagkatapos ng shoot#1, shoot#2 naman. supporting actress role din, dapat kikay. good luck. pagkatapos kong "ma-gangbang", magpapa-cute naman ako ke m@rco @bay@. awww. crush ko yun dati.
at pagkatapos ng shoots lipad na ko papunta sa kung saan. star city ito? dolphin park? marikina riverbanks? (erm, sana wag naman). bahala na. basta ang role ko, leading lady sa tunay na buhay. haha.

dec 31.
sana naman masaya ako pagtungtong ng bagong taon. last year masaya ko. masayang takot sa pagiging masaya ko. this year, sana masaya ko dahil masaya ang buhay. hindi perpekto, pero masaya. sana natapos ko ang shoot ko nang happy ako sa kinalabasan. sana natapos ko on time ang racket nung dec 29 (at kaliwaan mode ang compensation). sana naging masaya ang december 30, kahit haggard ang schedule. sana masaya ang mga magulang ko sa magiging contribution ko sa media noche. sana maraming lusis at fountain at roman candle. basta sana masaya!

so goodluck sa remaining days of 2008. magiging haggard pero sana masaya, every single day, every step of the way. dahil malakas ang pananalig ko na magiging mas maganda pa ang 2008 para sa kin. at para sa pamilya ko. at para sa lahat ng mga kakilala kong nagsakripisyo at nagsugal ng panahon, pera, kakayahan, at emosyon sa ngalan ng pangarap. at pag-ibig. :-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS, WORLD! :-D

busybee days

happenings of yesterday:

4 pm, petruss cafe. pictorial with main cast for the Drill Shoot on the 27th. pictures will be used as props.

6 pm, abscbn. meeting with the PD penguin regarding the Drill's production design. we did our thing while waiting for waterfowl to finish the soap opera meeting. my first time to order something at seemingly upscale Gram's. the hot chocolate was lustworthy.

7 pm, 15th floor. the first sweetest five minutes of the day.

730 pm, taxicab. waterfowl, penguin, and i were on our way to friend beatlebum's birthday dinner at Dampa in ortigas. but i still had a meeting to attend to. they dropped me off at robinson's galleria.

8 pm, toys r us. dropped by to hug my favorite cousin, whom i haven't seen in quite a while. glad that she's looking okay.

830 pm, gloria jean's coffee. meeting for possible moolah. got homework over the holidays.

9 pm, dampa. beatlebum's birthday dinner. met friends whom i haven't seen in a while. pictorial galore.

12 midnight, centerstage videoke bar. the fun continues. the bear dropped by at around 2.

happenings of today:

12 noon, jusmag compound. hindi lang pala ang mga may time card ang may ham. swifts lang ang ham, pero ham pa rin sya. got my very own ham before the ham-distributor's lunch break cutoff (thank you, alvin!).

1 pm, i have two eggs resto. caldereta lunch with the bear. yummy.

2 pm, megamall. nakipag-eyeball ang bear with fellow toy-natics. tagged along to a mini-bazaar of toys n stuff. meryenda of krispy kreme. shopping for little odds and ends.

5 pm, shuttle service terminal. pooped. there was to be a premiere of the new movie from the mother company at 7 and a christmas party with classmates at 9; decided to skip both. not feeling well and wanted to end the day early. bye-bye is a semi-sad moment, each time.

7 pm, home. saw sky high on disney channel. loved it.

happenings of tomorrow:

2 pm, kopiroti katipunan. production meeting for the shoot on the 27th.

7 pm, megamall. premiere night of the compost movie.

so much to do for the 2pm thingie tomorrow. and my body's begging me to kiss the world goodnight right now. so maybe i'll indulge, and compensate for the sloth by waking up early tomorrow morning.

lord, i pray. two prayers. sana. at sana.

christmas prayer granted

ask and you shall receive. super thank you, lord!

* * *

ambilis ng mga araw. suddenly my calendar's stuffed til dec 27. parties, meetings, preprod thingies for my dec 27 shoot. i'm scared, but i'm praying to god na sana maganda ang kalabasan. please lord. new year's prayer ko na lang. please.


* * *

today, pictorial. and maybe a meeting with my PD (penguin designer). haha.

* * *

thank you so much, lord!

christmas prayer

countdown to christmas: 8 days.
for the first time in years, i am two opposite things this christmas.
well. life. long term versus short term. and i know i will always want--always pray--for long term, when it comes to the good things in life. in every aspect. material and non-material.

may shoot kami bukas. christmas party pa naman sa school. work versus school na naman. awu-awoo. syempre work ang pipiliin ko. pagdating lang naman sa mga christmas parties. at sa mga panahong ito.

praying. praying. the lord is listening. i know.

countdown to my short film shoot: 10 days.
taena. ngayon ko lang na-realize. at least ok na ang cast ko. ok na ang staff ko. may shotlist at shooting schedule na. nasulat na ang location and equipment reservation forms at naipadala na. meeting na lang with staff and crew. at music recording concerns. at mini-workshop with the two main actors.

hindi ko pa nababasa ang buong script for work. for the money. let's DOH it.

patience. i easily run out of it these days. which equates to stress and anger. and all other emotions getting the best of me.

no thanks to trillanes and his hooligans. something i've been hoping for has been set for much later. nanggulo lang kayo e. nanakot lang kayo ng mga tagalabas. mga anarkista kayo, taena nyo.

buti pa ang mga may office space, may ham.
buti pa ang mga may time card, may bonus.

AD jobs in school. i finished two. i was happy about yesterday, as opposed to the other day. i was breathing the role. kumbaga sa makina, bagong langis. in tiptop shape. unlike the other day.

playground. school is a playground, but the jungle is where the money is.

lord, i pray.

and that's what i'm feeling right now

mixed emotions from the past week.
andaming iniisip, andaming nangyayari at mangyayari pa.
siguro kasi matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nagmu-multiple mind-tasking kaya windang ako.

pero ngayon ide-dedicate ko ang entry na to, hindi sa mga bagay na iniisip kundi sa mga nararamdaman. parang acting exercise. feelings are the essence, not the thoughts.

kagabi, sa trabaho. first time ko uling mag-shoot on a professional set after about three weeks of focusing on school. ibang klase ang pagod na mararamdaman mo para sa isang bagay na mahal mo kumpara sa isang bagay na ginagawa mo dahil sa pera. alas dos pa lang ng umaga, lowbatt ka na. pagod ka na. scriptcon instincts. hindi yon kakabit ng pagkatao mo, pero dun ka binabayaran. at for the first time naamin mo sa sarili mo na mas importante nga pala sa yo--sa ngayon--ang pera. kahit labag sa loob mo, materyoso ka pa rin pala talaga.

ironically, wala kang drive para mag-effort at maghanap ng opportunities kung saan makakahakot ka ng sandamukal na pera. kung mage-effort ka man, halfhearted ka. siguro dahil alam mong nakatali ka pa rin, at hindi pwedeng mag-commit sa isang jealous and demanding mistress of a job. kaya gusto mo na lang ipasa-Diyos lahat. gusto mo na lang mag-rely sa luck at sa divine will. for what reason, hindi mo alam. at wala ka na ring lakas na i-analyze ang sarili mo para malaman.

at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki.

middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion.

at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that.

at 6 am, packup na kayo. umuwi ka ng mabigat ang pakiramdam, at hindi mo alam kung bakit. ayaw mong isipin ang susunod na shooting schedule nyo, dahil you're not looking forward to it. pero gusto mong makapag-shoot na uli kayo, kasi kelangan. kelangan mo. for money's sake.

hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do.

short term happiness in favor of the long term one. isn't that what school is about.

hindi ko rin naiwasan. nagfocus pa rin ako sa thoughts. ano nga bang nararamdaman ko? ganun pa rin. pinapasa-diyos ko na rin lang lahat. dahil feeling ko, most of the happy things that have happened in my life weren't really my own doing. luck, and god, had a lot to do with it.

and that's what i'm feeling right now.

mundane night

splittin' headache night.
drowned out by TTDs. two kinda urgent assistant-directing class projects to do something about, and then some. a script to finish reading in time for the Comedian-Child Star shoot this tuesday.
and above all this--i know i shouldn't think about it yet, but still--my impending shoot on december 29.

and so it's only half past twelve but my head is craving for lights-out already. paperwork, reading assignment, blah blah blah.

tomorrow is another day. thank god.

* * *

day 4 na tomorrow. i'm counting days again, and it's not a healthy sign. remember what you were before you started counting 'em like sheep over the fence. you will only get bored. and exasperated. and get yourself in that ugly i-can't-wait-and-i-hate-myself kinda rut again.

* * *

i'm reminded of an ex-crush: E, my assistant director in the Cebu movie. my "Sayang Ka Sister" Awardee for 2004. my gaydar had twitched wildly on first meeting but i'd chosen to ignore it. now he's got pictures of him and another guy on his fwendster album. yihee. i knew i'd been right. of course the gaydar had been right. pero ang guwapo ngayon ng bakla. bwiset. haha.

tonight he messaged me. andami ko daw raket, manlibre daw ako. haha. parang gusto ko tuloy syang utangan. at sinabi ko talaga yon: psst sister pajutang naman o. pa-joke, syempre.

* * *

next week i'm seeing FG again, after around 6 months. may jowa na raw uli ang loley. isa pa rin to sa mga iniyakan ko talaga noon. ang guwapo din kasi. haha. guwapo na may salamin na tahimik na mukhang mapagkakatiwalaan. pero eventually narealize ko din na mas mahilig pa syang magtaas ng kilay kesa sa akin. at pareho kami ng cheek tint na ginagamit. nyaha.

* * *

hay. mundane. my comfort zone. always been afraid to leave it. and so i stick to the mundane, because they are easier to deal with. because not going beyond the day-to-day preoccupations, using work as an excuse, i am somehow assured that i am getting things done, that i am getting somewhere, somehow. maybe, but not to the There that i really want to be. to admit to myself that i'd been fooling myself all along took some courage, but to do something about passiveness and unproducivity will take much more than courage.

what, then? don't know. i just know that i'll always have it in my heart to want to jump on that train someday. but intention is a whole lifetime away from action.

* * *

i just realized something. maybe three, four months ago. gusto ko ng pera sa pasko. maraming, maraming pera.

natanso ako

for many months now, nasa tuktok ng list of Movies to Look Forward To ko ang
"Golden Compass". kasi, from what i'd seen in the trailers, sya yung tipo ng pelikulang pwede kong ihanay sa "Neverending Story", "Legend", at "Labyrinth"--movies that i got lost in, as a child. na-miss ko rin yung mga ganong pelikula, yung mga panahong yon. na pag manonood ako ng pelikula, buong puso akong naniniwala sa mundong pinapakita sa kin, hindi ako nagki-critique, naga-analyze, o nag-iisip kung ano bang nangyayari sa likod ng camera.

finally, napanood ko na ang Golden Compass kahapon. sobrang disappointed ako. i was prepared to get lost in it. i was prepared to set all my "adult" sensibilities aside. kaso binigo ako. hindi ako kumagat sa mundo. maganda ang special effects. maganda ang CGIs. maganda ang itsura ng buong pelikula. pero hindi ako kumagat.

siguro kung napanood ko to nung 8 years old ako, baka gustong gusto ko din sya. o siguro hindi. kasi above and beyond everything else, storya pa rin ang magdadala sa isang pelikula. primal need yon ng isang manonood. kahit batang 8 years old alam kung aling pelikula ang puro pa-epek lang at kung alin ang hindi.

so siguro kung 8 years old ako at napanood ko ang "Golden Compass" ngayon, mamamangha ako sa special effects, sa polar bears na nagsasalita, sa barkong lumilipad. pero pag lumaki na ko, makakalimutan ko rin sya. kasi hindi buo ang storya. parang prelude lang sa isang part two. eh hindi ko naman alam na magkaka-part two pala ang Golden Compass nung pumasok ako sa sinehan, kaya hindi hinanda ang loob ko. kaya feeling ko, harang. bitin. shortchanged ako. hindi pa nga ako nakasakay sa concerns ng bidang batang babae, tapos na ang pelikula. ano ba yon? nakakadisillusion.

ang guwapo pa naman ni daniel craig. kaso ni wala pa yatang 20 minutes ang onscreen appearance nya. at sa 20 minutes na yon hindi ko nakilala ang character nya. kahit si nicole kidman na uber ganda at talagang lumalamon ng mga kasama nya sa screen, payak pa rin sa mata ko ang character nya. ultimong bida nga, hindi ako endeared. hindi sya naging tao sa mata ko. mas naging tao pa nga yung polar bear na kaibigan nya.

hay. sana hinintay ko na lang sa DVD ang pelikulang to. at ang DVD din ng sequel nya.

do you know a little girl who loves to act?

friends, i need your help! first directing project ko po ito for school! would be really grateful if you know the perfect little girl who play a key role in my short film.

she should be-

-morena,
-7-8 years old (or who looks this age),
-small to medium build,
-can act. previous acting experience not necessary.

she'll be with us in a 4-hour video shoot on december 29, saturday, 9am-2pm. transpo, food, and an honorarium on us. if you know anyone, kindly email me at keanu_dudette@yahoo.com. mas maganda po kung may pictures nang kasama. :-)

kindly forward na rin po to your friends, colleagues, lovers, acquaintances. thanks mucho!

all i want for christmas

since a lotta friends i know have cast their own wishlists out into the open sky, might as well join dee bendwegon.

My Wish List for 2007:
1. eye makeup in shades of pink (not too pink), bronze (warm natural colors), and blue (not the opaque, "SM saleslady" kind)
2. pink-tinted Chapstick
3. pilot sign pen (black, .05)
4. hair blower
5. Bourne Conspiracy DVD
6. Bourne Ultimatum DVD
7. johnson's baby powder (blossom)
8. an iPod or MP3 player
9. a jacket (small)
10. CD rack
11. gift certificate to any clothing boutique or department store
12. glutathione
13. an organizer for 2008
14. jasmine or citrus oils for my oil burner
15. collar for my dog
16. litterbox for my cats
17. CSI DVD
18. a hamper
19. gift certificate to Enchanted Kingdom
20. Gloc 9 bonnet (no prints please; preferably white/cream/beige/black)
21. any book about Film Directing
22. Private Joyce brassiere with underwiring (32C)
23. Vitamin C
24. Blue Feather or Cattleya notebook (preferably not spiral)
25. U2 CD containing the song "With or Without You"
26. Yeng Constantino CD
27. a beautiful black cat or kitten (kahit walang breeding!)
28. a shoulder- or sling-bag from American Boulevard
29. In2It 2-way foundation (the one with the pink cover; natural shade)
30. a portable transistor radio
31. glow-in-the-dark thingies
32. bedside lampshade (small)
33. cosmopolitan magazine
34. a backpack
35. American Boulevard rubber shoes (size 5/12)
36. a comforter
37. movie posters of: 1) Nasaan Ka Man, 2) tXt, 3) Saigon Eclipse, 4) Resiklo, 5) Endo, 6) Angels, 7) The Promise, 8) Gee-Gee at Waterina, 9) Roxxxanne, 10) Troika, 11) Paraiso, 12) Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition 1, 13) Qpids, 14) Shake, Rattle, and Roll 9
38. highlighter pen
39. pencils
40. pentel pen
41. staplewires (smallest)
42. big beads to wear around the neck
43. big silver "rocker chick" earrings
44. face towels
45. gift certificate at any restaurant
46. DVDs of any movie directed by Pedro Almodovar or Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu
47. turtle neck sweater
48. DVD-Rs
49. clapper board
50. a toilet seat (...not!)

pag may naisip pa ko sa list ko, will do a part two. hehe.
non-material wish list to come later!