kagabi, first time kong nagtrabaho in the cold (dis)comfort of an OBvan.
ok lang naman. pero di ko naman masabi na masaya ko.
para lang syang continuity na walang continuity. utak ang pinapagana, pero left side, hindi right.
magdamagan, pero hindi ka pagod, pawis, at bilad sa araw.
pero hindi ko din masabi na masayang experience. pangtawid gutom din, like eveything else.
* * *
me nameet na naman akong fresh grad kagabi. P.A. sya, 22. 22 din ako nung nakuha ko ang first job ko sa movie industry. parang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya, sana ibang kurso na lang ang kinuha mo. o kung gusto mo talaga yan, arm yourself for battle na this early. gumawa ka na ng master plan, fallback plan, at PLAN C if worse comes to worst.
may master plan ako non, pero wala akong fallback o PLAN C.
* * *
there's no question anymore. between the choice of fight or flight. if you really want it, go for it. but the question lies in your motivations. why do you want it? and is it really going to make you happy?
will it?
minsan nagiging full circle. baka ang maging ending ng storya, i will end up in the same spot that i first found myself in, 6 years ago. dahil may mga bagay na hindi mo nakita ang importansya noon, dahil masyado ka pang bata o iba ang priorities mo.
same spot, pero iba na ang atake.
i wonder if that will be the story of my life.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
nakakatawang nakakabwisit and FG on retrospect
the other night i just had the most astounding, most memorable First Meeting With A New Person ever.
apart from surprise, one of my first reactions was anger. not towards the new person, but towards the one she's talking about. kasi ganon ako. impulsive, likas na selosa, and the girl sounded soooo dang sure of what she claims to have been seeing.
i kept my feelings under wraps, because i was in front of virtual strangers (except waterfowl, who was the one who went bonkers on my behalf). but right at that moment, i wanted to march back up to 15th floor. i wanted to confront.
buti na lang nakapag-isip pa rin ako bago ako sumugod. haha.
it doesn't check with logic.
it's so out of character.
and bottom line is this. i know him. and i don't know her. not to say that i don't trust her. but i trust him more.
o di ba, may mga ganyan na ko. etchos.
* * *
beatlebum asked me what my gut feel told me.
honestly, it told me nothing. but the negative feelings had stemmed from the oh-so-solid conviction of the New Person i just met. who could ignore that? who could not ask questions?
hindi naman ako tanga, at matagal na kong nag-retire sa pagkagaga. kaya syempre tinanong ko pa rin sya nung nagkita kami later. to inform, to gauge, to evaluate.
kinwento ko lahat.
and i was right. no trace of guilt whatsoever.
pero ang nakakatawang nakakabuwisit, sa dinami-dami ng mga taong pag-uusapan ng ganon, siya pa.
at sa dinami-dami ng selosang gaga na kukwentuhan ng ganon, ako pa.
nakakatawang nakakabwisit talaga, pero mas nakakatawa na lang ngayon.
* * *
natupad na ang lahat-lahat ng Wishes For Someday ko noon about FG. everything, except for Wish List #1 (Sana mainlove sya sa kin). na sa ngayon, okay na din namang hindi matupad at all.
three years ago, siguro nilasing ko na ang sarili ko nang todo at nag-may i channel angry alanis all night habang (reluctantly) pinapanood siyang kalambutsingan ang jowa nya.
pero nung sang gabi, naaaliw ako sa kanila. pangyoutube ang dalawa! haha.
there was a moment when i saw him, though. he was just staring at osobear and me. parang naaaliw na naninibago na hindi makapaniwala (dahil sabi nga nya that night, akala nya talaga tomboy ako. pfft! tomboy nga kasi laging naiinlab sa binabae). that moment was priceless. paminsan minsan lang nya ko pagmasdan ng ganon. ha!ha!
hay. guwapo pa rin sya.
pero di na tulad ng dati.
mas cute pa rin ang oso sa palaka. :-)
apart from surprise, one of my first reactions was anger. not towards the new person, but towards the one she's talking about. kasi ganon ako. impulsive, likas na selosa, and the girl sounded soooo dang sure of what she claims to have been seeing.
i kept my feelings under wraps, because i was in front of virtual strangers (except waterfowl, who was the one who went bonkers on my behalf). but right at that moment, i wanted to march back up to 15th floor. i wanted to confront.
buti na lang nakapag-isip pa rin ako bago ako sumugod. haha.
it doesn't check with logic.
it's so out of character.
and bottom line is this. i know him. and i don't know her. not to say that i don't trust her. but i trust him more.
o di ba, may mga ganyan na ko. etchos.
* * *
beatlebum asked me what my gut feel told me.
honestly, it told me nothing. but the negative feelings had stemmed from the oh-so-solid conviction of the New Person i just met. who could ignore that? who could not ask questions?
hindi naman ako tanga, at matagal na kong nag-retire sa pagkagaga. kaya syempre tinanong ko pa rin sya nung nagkita kami later. to inform, to gauge, to evaluate.
kinwento ko lahat.
and i was right. no trace of guilt whatsoever.
pero ang nakakatawang nakakabuwisit, sa dinami-dami ng mga taong pag-uusapan ng ganon, siya pa.
at sa dinami-dami ng selosang gaga na kukwentuhan ng ganon, ako pa.
nakakatawang nakakabwisit talaga, pero mas nakakatawa na lang ngayon.
* * *
natupad na ang lahat-lahat ng Wishes For Someday ko noon about FG. everything, except for Wish List #1 (Sana mainlove sya sa kin). na sa ngayon, okay na din namang hindi matupad at all.
three years ago, siguro nilasing ko na ang sarili ko nang todo at nag-may i channel angry alanis all night habang (reluctantly) pinapanood siyang kalambutsingan ang jowa nya.
pero nung sang gabi, naaaliw ako sa kanila. pangyoutube ang dalawa! haha.
there was a moment when i saw him, though. he was just staring at osobear and me. parang naaaliw na naninibago na hindi makapaniwala (dahil sabi nga nya that night, akala nya talaga tomboy ako. pfft! tomboy nga kasi laging naiinlab sa binabae). that moment was priceless. paminsan minsan lang nya ko pagmasdan ng ganon. ha!ha!
hay. guwapo pa rin sya.
pero di na tulad ng dati.
mas cute pa rin ang oso sa palaka. :-)
waiting for morpheus
in simple terms, nagpapaantok. hah.
ba't ganun. pag sa magdamagang labor you crave for your bed. but when your bed's right there on a quiet night, you're wide awake.
eh kelangan nang matulog dahil alas-330 bukas ang gising.
when it's not there, you want it. when it is, you want something else.
this doesn't apply to everything, though. but it has applied to so many things, so many times, in this oh-so-young life.
i wonder what i'll be wanting in two years.
ba't ganun. pag sa magdamagang labor you crave for your bed. but when your bed's right there on a quiet night, you're wide awake.
eh kelangan nang matulog dahil alas-330 bukas ang gising.
when it's not there, you want it. when it is, you want something else.
this doesn't apply to everything, though. but it has applied to so many things, so many times, in this oh-so-young life.
i wonder what i'll be wanting in two years.
Friday, June 27, 2008
to my vodka-soused friend...
..i hope you woke up feeling much much better.
naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil kinonsinte kita at sinilip ko talaga kung andun pa sya. at tinext ko pa sa yo. eh kasi hindi na dapat. grr.
ayoko sa kanya para sa yo kasi hindi ka nya winelcome. yeah yeah blah blah alam mo nang lahat yan. pero sana isipin mo na lang na mahaba pa ang buhay. kahit gano pa katagal yang nararamdaman mo, hindi ka mamamatay na ganyan pa rin ang nararamdaman mo. so try to think beyond the past and the present na lang, kasi marami pang manyayari sa buhay mo...at marami ka pang hotter guys na mamimeet. hehe.
pero alam mo, mukhang adik ka talaga sa ganyan e. yung sawi kinda love. parang some small (?) part of you actually wants it. kagabi napagusapan na natin to.
basta, i really believe this. wishes come true when god knows you're ready to handle them.
inuman tayo uli sa bahay nyo soon ha.
naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil kinonsinte kita at sinilip ko talaga kung andun pa sya. at tinext ko pa sa yo. eh kasi hindi na dapat. grr.
ayoko sa kanya para sa yo kasi hindi ka nya winelcome. yeah yeah blah blah alam mo nang lahat yan. pero sana isipin mo na lang na mahaba pa ang buhay. kahit gano pa katagal yang nararamdaman mo, hindi ka mamamatay na ganyan pa rin ang nararamdaman mo. so try to think beyond the past and the present na lang, kasi marami pang manyayari sa buhay mo...at marami ka pang hotter guys na mamimeet. hehe.
pero alam mo, mukhang adik ka talaga sa ganyan e. yung sawi kinda love. parang some small (?) part of you actually wants it. kagabi napagusapan na natin to.
basta, i really believe this. wishes come true when god knows you're ready to handle them.
inuman tayo uli sa bahay nyo soon ha.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
mulholland monday
got work tonight.
mga kwago ang mga bossing ko. kwago ha, hindi gago. haha.
don't get me wrong. i love them! they're all so mabait! and i mean that. i'm glad i'm working with them now.
i just wish i were doing something else within the team, though.
* * *
last night, nagkaroon ng 2 instant fans si david lynch, in the person of me and waterfowl (beatlebum, i suppose impressed ka din, so that makes 3!). mulholland drive just pulled the rug from under us. walang bago sa premise, simple nga ika ni beatlebum, pero GRABE ang structuring, GRABE ang directing, GRABE ang pag-evoke ng mood, GRABE ang pelikula in totality. a movie has not gripped me this hard in a long time. i didn't want to miss a thing.
nakakaintriga. yung mga hagod ng camera that seem to promise to reveal more pero little by little (which could be said for the entire movie as well). yung feeling na everything seems normal but something is slightly eerie. i've heard weirdo talaga tong si lynch but i only saw the evidence last night. at weirdo sya, in a positive way. he took us for a ride, but he didn't shortchange us. didn't explain much, which made it even more delightful. intriguing. challenging.
shet! kung magiging direktor man ako sa lifetime na to, gusto kong maging david lynch!
* * *
updates on keanna.
i took her to the vet around two weeks ago for the excessive scratching. turns out she's infected with mites. she had them with her when she came to our house and the doc prescribed a solution (ipapahid twice a day) all over the infected areas. thank god, may progress naman. she's still scratching, but the scabs that used to be on her ears are gone.
konti na lang, baby keekee!
she's sleeping right now, a bundle of mocha fur. ang cute cute ng pusa ko. she's almost 4 months old now. kabisado ko na halos ultimo profile nya. para syang goddess kitten. ang tangos ng ilong, hindi katulad ng karamihan sa mga pusa na pango. hehe. and the eyes are like black half moons in a teal blue sky. bilog na bilog. cutiecutecute!
* * *
i really liked hanging out with beatlebum and waterfowl last night. namiss ko na rin ang mga kaberksan (star cinema chapter). one san mig light and two vodka cruisers and i was in Tipsoid Land but Lynch shook me back to sobriety (no film has ever done that to me, ever). sayang wala si penguinacious PekpekPenguin (kamusta na ang pussy na sunod nang sunod sa yo kagabi? inuwi mo na ba?). sana matuloy ang friday night videoke, kahit me shoot ako kinabukasan. naalala ko nung Malate Night Out namin two years ago, same setup din, pero buhay na buhay pa rin ako the next day. :-)
mga kwago ang mga bossing ko. kwago ha, hindi gago. haha.
don't get me wrong. i love them! they're all so mabait! and i mean that. i'm glad i'm working with them now.
i just wish i were doing something else within the team, though.
* * *
last night, nagkaroon ng 2 instant fans si david lynch, in the person of me and waterfowl (beatlebum, i suppose impressed ka din, so that makes 3!). mulholland drive just pulled the rug from under us. walang bago sa premise, simple nga ika ni beatlebum, pero GRABE ang structuring, GRABE ang directing, GRABE ang pag-evoke ng mood, GRABE ang pelikula in totality. a movie has not gripped me this hard in a long time. i didn't want to miss a thing.
nakakaintriga. yung mga hagod ng camera that seem to promise to reveal more pero little by little (which could be said for the entire movie as well). yung feeling na everything seems normal but something is slightly eerie. i've heard weirdo talaga tong si lynch but i only saw the evidence last night. at weirdo sya, in a positive way. he took us for a ride, but he didn't shortchange us. didn't explain much, which made it even more delightful. intriguing. challenging.
shet! kung magiging direktor man ako sa lifetime na to, gusto kong maging david lynch!
* * *
updates on keanna.
i took her to the vet around two weeks ago for the excessive scratching. turns out she's infected with mites. she had them with her when she came to our house and the doc prescribed a solution (ipapahid twice a day) all over the infected areas. thank god, may progress naman. she's still scratching, but the scabs that used to be on her ears are gone.
konti na lang, baby keekee!
she's sleeping right now, a bundle of mocha fur. ang cute cute ng pusa ko. she's almost 4 months old now. kabisado ko na halos ultimo profile nya. para syang goddess kitten. ang tangos ng ilong, hindi katulad ng karamihan sa mga pusa na pango. hehe. and the eyes are like black half moons in a teal blue sky. bilog na bilog. cutiecutecute!
* * *
i really liked hanging out with beatlebum and waterfowl last night. namiss ko na rin ang mga kaberksan (star cinema chapter). one san mig light and two vodka cruisers and i was in Tipsoid Land but Lynch shook me back to sobriety (no film has ever done that to me, ever). sayang wala si penguinacious PekpekPenguin (kamusta na ang pussy na sunod nang sunod sa yo kagabi? inuwi mo na ba?). sana matuloy ang friday night videoke, kahit me shoot ako kinabukasan. naalala ko nung Malate Night Out namin two years ago, same setup din, pero buhay na buhay pa rin ako the next day. :-)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
1 bottle of san mig light and i'm gone
lost in semi-oblivion. just like now.
i never liked drinking. except on rainy days. and contrary to the cliche, i'm not depressed. it's the rain, my happiness for the rain, my neverending list of still-unfulfilled wishes, my wonder over whatever i'd been doing these past two years, whatever's happening to the present the future and the 22-year-old's fire six years ago, and all those other splinters-in-the-brain that find their way out of my mouth when san mig starts to snake its way up.
the laws of attraction seem to want me to do a complete major charcter turnaround. it will take a lot of work. and i cannot control it. so what i cannot control, i surrender to the one supreme power who knows better.
and man, does HE know better.
to entrust has trust as its rootword. and i entrust, because i have total trust.
* * *
to zero in, to focus, meant that i would have to quit doing other jobs. and that was what i did. the nature of the work that i had to attend didn't require me to yell around and mobilize people. but i had done those things before, back when i didn't know better, when i had thought that the work that i was doing was easy and didn't need to be attended to with full concentration. which was my misconception. six or so movies later, i was to realize, a bad misconception.
to love means complete devotion. and i love the job. to do it well, i had to focus.
i wonder if it did me any good, to strive hard in doing a job well, and suffer the consequences of being typecast for it.
* * *
i miss two years ago.
i miss my youth.
i miss the old fire.
life will give you a scourging every now and then. six months ago i took a really tough one. it changed everything. i lost my license to dream. since then everything i'd been doing was mundane, goal-less, done for no higher end, done for what temporary benefit that it could give me.
heartbreak. of the non-romantic kind. it hounds you in your waking hours.
* * *
i often dream of it.
of her.
i have nothing against her. nothing personal.
she has stopped becoming a person to me, for since that day she's become a mere symbol. a postergirl of the powers-that-be.
i have nothing against the powers-that-be as well. they probably knew much much better, knew well enough what was going to be good for me in the long run.
and it broke my heart, realizing that they could possibly right. they could be most probably be right.
1 more bottle and i'm lost to oblivion.
i never liked drinking. except on rainy days. and contrary to the cliche, i'm not depressed. it's the rain, my happiness for the rain, my neverending list of still-unfulfilled wishes, my wonder over whatever i'd been doing these past two years, whatever's happening to the present the future and the 22-year-old's fire six years ago, and all those other splinters-in-the-brain that find their way out of my mouth when san mig starts to snake its way up.
the laws of attraction seem to want me to do a complete major charcter turnaround. it will take a lot of work. and i cannot control it. so what i cannot control, i surrender to the one supreme power who knows better.
and man, does HE know better.
to entrust has trust as its rootword. and i entrust, because i have total trust.
* * *
to zero in, to focus, meant that i would have to quit doing other jobs. and that was what i did. the nature of the work that i had to attend didn't require me to yell around and mobilize people. but i had done those things before, back when i didn't know better, when i had thought that the work that i was doing was easy and didn't need to be attended to with full concentration. which was my misconception. six or so movies later, i was to realize, a bad misconception.
to love means complete devotion. and i love the job. to do it well, i had to focus.
i wonder if it did me any good, to strive hard in doing a job well, and suffer the consequences of being typecast for it.
* * *
i miss two years ago.
i miss my youth.
i miss the old fire.
life will give you a scourging every now and then. six months ago i took a really tough one. it changed everything. i lost my license to dream. since then everything i'd been doing was mundane, goal-less, done for no higher end, done for what temporary benefit that it could give me.
heartbreak. of the non-romantic kind. it hounds you in your waking hours.
* * *
i often dream of it.
of her.
i have nothing against her. nothing personal.
she has stopped becoming a person to me, for since that day she's become a mere symbol. a postergirl of the powers-that-be.
i have nothing against the powers-that-be as well. they probably knew much much better, knew well enough what was going to be good for me in the long run.
and it broke my heart, realizing that they could possibly right. they could be most probably be right.
1 more bottle and i'm lost to oblivion.
kahapon...
...bumalik na naman ako sa clark pampanga. two or three weeks ago nandun din ako for project RR. kahapon, for a "horror" reality show.
walang lugar ang mga continuity sa tv. meron na ding suking ad yung direktor. but i found myself there, thanks to two producers na nakatrabaho ko in two different projects from the past. ang liit talaga ng mundo ng industriya.
dapat sana masaya ko, pero hindi. kasi yung lugar na pinagkaloob sa kin sa mundo ng show na yon--at least for that episode--ay brainless. at hindi ko sana sya tatanggapin kung di lang ako nahihiya sa dalawang grandmama ko na sobrang minahal ko din naman noon. pero bottomline is. it. is. brainless. any old goat can do it.
sabi ni grandmama produ #1, next ep daw, ilalagay nya ko sa field. yun ang inaasahan ko ngayon, dahil yon naman talaga ang gusto ko. next to writing the gawddang thing.
kahapon, first time kong maglibot sa isang diumano'y haunted na lugar. first time kong maka-participate sa isang reality show of that genre. first time kong makatrabaho ang "It" direk na naririnig-rinig ko lang noon.
in fairness kay direk, ang cute nya. haha. nasa Top 7 sya ng list of Crushable Directors I've Worked With Ever.
walang lugar ang mga continuity sa tv. meron na ding suking ad yung direktor. but i found myself there, thanks to two producers na nakatrabaho ko in two different projects from the past. ang liit talaga ng mundo ng industriya.
dapat sana masaya ko, pero hindi. kasi yung lugar na pinagkaloob sa kin sa mundo ng show na yon--at least for that episode--ay brainless. at hindi ko sana sya tatanggapin kung di lang ako nahihiya sa dalawang grandmama ko na sobrang minahal ko din naman noon. pero bottomline is. it. is. brainless. any old goat can do it.
sabi ni grandmama produ #1, next ep daw, ilalagay nya ko sa field. yun ang inaasahan ko ngayon, dahil yon naman talaga ang gusto ko. next to writing the gawddang thing.
kahapon, first time kong maglibot sa isang diumano'y haunted na lugar. first time kong maka-participate sa isang reality show of that genre. first time kong makatrabaho ang "It" direk na naririnig-rinig ko lang noon.
in fairness kay direk, ang cute nya. haha. nasa Top 7 sya ng list of Crushable Directors I've Worked With Ever.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
field of dreams
kagabi nanaginip ako na natutulog ako.
nakasakay daw ako sa isang karwahe, at nananaginip ng mga bulaklak. isang malaking malaking field of flowers, parang elysian fields. yellow halos lahat ng mga bulaklak, parang mga araw na tirik ang mukha. pero may mga panaka-nakang pink at white.
tapos nagising ako, dahil sabi ng AD, "lahat ng mga nasa karwahe, out!". hindi pa ko nahihimasmasan. para kong lasing na bumaba sa karwahe, at pagbaba ko, nakita ko si @ngel l0cs1n na nakabridal gown, nakatayo sa gitna ng church aisle, laughing at me, saying, "saffron, anong ginagawa mo dyan?!". akala ko panaginip pa rin, kaya hindi ako makasagot, nagkibit balikat ako, then narinig ko ang AD na sinabi over the microphone, "saffron, set po yan", may mga cameras palang nakatutok sa karwahe. hindi ko pa rin maabsorb, kaya umalis na lang ako.
tsaka ko na-realize na, shet nasa taping pala ako, at nakatulog ako in between setup breaks. ang nangyari pala, dalawa kaming nakatulog sa karwahe, ako at isang crew na topless na lalake, at nang sabihin ng AD na bumaba ang mga nasa karwahe, naunang lumabas ang topless na lalake, tapos sumunod ako, kaya sa mga mata nila, para kaming nahuli "in the act" na nag-"do". haha. euw!
shet nakakahiya. lahat natatawa, pero truth is, nakakahiya sya. hindi dahil mukha kaming nag-"do" nung crew, kundi yung fact na nakatulog ako, at sa set pa, eh 2nd ad pa naman ako.
nasa top 10 to ng list of Moments That I Would NEVER Want to Happen Again.
* * *
bumalik yung isip ko sa panaginip ko, yung field of dreams na puros bulaklak, parang ang saya saya, puno ng hope, parang gusto ko na lang pagmasdan ang isa sa mga bulaklak at namnamin ang bawat detalye ng mukha nya. yung mga talulot, yung amoy, yung gitna na punumpuno ng maliliit na pollen. dati ganito ang landscape ng mga pangarap ko, parang laging pasikat pa lang ang araw, punong puno ng pag-asa, pero ngayon, hanggang tanaw na lang ako.
sabi ng AD na kaibigan ko, alam mo ang kulang sa yo? influence. hindi ko alam ang ibig nyang sabihin. hindi ko din alam kung tama pa ba ang mga pinaggagagawa ko in the past 2 years or i'm just wasting time for too little money. hindi ko alam ang ibig nyang sabihin when he asked me kung bakit ako nagpapaka-2nd ad sa tv ngayon. gusto kong sagutin na it's available and it pays me, pero hindi ko din naman talaga alam e. wala akong alam.
money is money, plain and simple. at kung alam lang nya ang pinanggagalingan ng lahat, kung alam lang nya na happy ako na mabigyan ng pagkakataon na maghasik ng lagim sa tv prod. dahil yun na yung nakikita kong pinaka-lucrative option, sa ngayon.
that was last night, dahil na-upset ako sa mga pinagsasabi ng AD. pinapakwento na naman nya yung nangyari sa skwela. apparently yung ex ng isang dude na dating object of ambivalent desire ko dito sa blog eh kinwento sa kanya. ang nakakatawa dun, the ex and i are not supposed to know each other. i shouldn't know her pero kilala ko sya. i was surprised to know na kilala pala nya ko. at alam pa nya ang nangyari, to boot.
so na-praning na naman ako. ibig bang sabihin, alam na ng lahat? i asked the AD. sabi nya syempre alam na ni "Ex" kasi kasama sya sa skwelahang yon. ok. i suppose. ilang tao ba naman ang nakawitness nung araw na yon. marami-rami din, hindi ko na sila namukhaan, pero alam ko maraming tao sa paligid noon. yung moment na yon ang Top 1 sa list of Moments That I Would NEVER Want to Happen Again.
* * *
sa ngayon, wala na kasi akong pakialam. pagmamasdan ko na lang ang mga bulaklak at mangangarap ng ibang buhay bukod sa meron ako ngayon.
* * *
bukas, di ko alam kung me trabaho ako. siguro. na-realize ko lang na ang pagba-block ng crowd, pwede ding karirin. pwedeng aralin gamit ang isang sistema para maging mas madali sa yo. parang pagsi-skripkon. at dahil mukhang dito ako huhugat ng panggastos sa araw-araw for the immediate future, karirin natin to a PhD. kahit siguro pagtitimpla ng kape, kung matoka sa kin at pagkakakitaan, pagsisikapan kong master-in.
kasi dun na lang ikaw huhugot ng fulfillment. if you're doing your best in what you do, whatever it is. whether you're happy or not is immaterial. not right now. habang kinakapa mo pa kung saan ka talaga masaya, pagbutihin mo na.
at sana, hindi mo tinutulugan, diba. potah!
* * *
actually, gusto ko talagang magsulat. feeling ko, yun ang magiging pinakalucrative na trabaho sa immediate world ko. pwede kong karirin, kung mabibigyan ako ng chance. pero lumagpas na kasi ang tren, dumaan sya mga 2 years ago pa, at ibang tren ang sinakyan ko (na sa di-inaasahang pagkakataon ay na de-rail naman pala). akala ko dito, pero hindi pala. kung pwede lang bumalik sa dating terminal at sumakay sa iba.
* * *
me isasabmit akong ppt dapat sa bagong direktor na kakilala ko, kaso tinatamad ako. hay. laging may excuse sa bawat araw. sige na, gawin mo na. hindi sya sigurado pero pwede syang maging susi. sa pagkakaroon ng swiped id sa abs. HAHA!
* * *
sa kalagitnaan ng gabi habang minomonitor ang kilos ng mga talents kong lango na sa antok, na-realize ko na gusto kong maging katulad ng ilan sa mga kaibigan ko. ibang klase ang hirap nila bilang writers pero ang output nila, galing sa puso. hindi katulad ng trabaho ko na ang output eh pwede mo nang iwan at kalimutan. walang makakaalala, walang may pakialam. andami kong kaibigang writers pero bakit hindi ako nagpaka-writer? what did i have against tv back then?
kapag writer ka, naghuhubad ka din, pero disguised behind the characters na binibigyan mo ng buhay. parang artista. ok lang sa kin yon, kesa yung napupuyat at pinagpapawisan sa gitna ng madaling araw para sa isang bagay na hindi naman tumitibag sa puso mo.
mukhang nahanap ko na ang puso ko, kelangan ko lang magkaroon ng chance para sumakay sa tren uli. kung kelangang aralin uli at magsimula sa simula, gagawin ko. para sa kotse. para sa haus and lot. para sa smallest dint of career fulfillment. para sa, um, swiped card.
haha. bwisit na swiped card yan!
* * *
pasok ang manok ko sa pee-dee-ay. halos every season na naghahanap sina osobear ng bagong kateammate me at least 2 akong nirerecommend from my circle of associates. yung una, si donut from the compost movie (nakapasok sya pero nagresign din, tsktsk--joke lang donut! hehe). this time around, yung kinukwento kong tao sa entry na to, from project RR. akalain mong sa dinami-dami ng mga TV-experienced dudes and dudettes na na-interview eh ang mokong pa ang natanggap.
this morning, nag-training na sya. tinext nya ko, "just met osobear. could not stay mad at him...the man is a cool, laid-back saint. congrats." gusto kong matawa. si osobear pa pala ang nag-train sa kanya.
and if osobear were even half-listening to what i'd been making kwento about Cinegeek back then, he'd probably figure out the connection. pero wala naman akong narinig na acknowledgment about that ish. either hindi sya nakikinig nun, o hindi ish sa kanya yun. and knowing the "cool laidback saint" that he is, i'm more inclined to think the latter.
contrary to what maryrose is saying, naiinis pa rin ako re: this ish. it inspires a demon of sad thoughts in the non-normal girl;s feverish mind. :-P
nakasakay daw ako sa isang karwahe, at nananaginip ng mga bulaklak. isang malaking malaking field of flowers, parang elysian fields. yellow halos lahat ng mga bulaklak, parang mga araw na tirik ang mukha. pero may mga panaka-nakang pink at white.
tapos nagising ako, dahil sabi ng AD, "lahat ng mga nasa karwahe, out!". hindi pa ko nahihimasmasan. para kong lasing na bumaba sa karwahe, at pagbaba ko, nakita ko si @ngel l0cs1n na nakabridal gown, nakatayo sa gitna ng church aisle, laughing at me, saying, "saffron, anong ginagawa mo dyan?!". akala ko panaginip pa rin, kaya hindi ako makasagot, nagkibit balikat ako, then narinig ko ang AD na sinabi over the microphone, "saffron, set po yan", may mga cameras palang nakatutok sa karwahe. hindi ko pa rin maabsorb, kaya umalis na lang ako.
tsaka ko na-realize na, shet nasa taping pala ako, at nakatulog ako in between setup breaks. ang nangyari pala, dalawa kaming nakatulog sa karwahe, ako at isang crew na topless na lalake, at nang sabihin ng AD na bumaba ang mga nasa karwahe, naunang lumabas ang topless na lalake, tapos sumunod ako, kaya sa mga mata nila, para kaming nahuli "in the act" na nag-"do". haha. euw!
shet nakakahiya. lahat natatawa, pero truth is, nakakahiya sya. hindi dahil mukha kaming nag-"do" nung crew, kundi yung fact na nakatulog ako, at sa set pa, eh 2nd ad pa naman ako.
nasa top 10 to ng list of Moments That I Would NEVER Want to Happen Again.
* * *
bumalik yung isip ko sa panaginip ko, yung field of dreams na puros bulaklak, parang ang saya saya, puno ng hope, parang gusto ko na lang pagmasdan ang isa sa mga bulaklak at namnamin ang bawat detalye ng mukha nya. yung mga talulot, yung amoy, yung gitna na punumpuno ng maliliit na pollen. dati ganito ang landscape ng mga pangarap ko, parang laging pasikat pa lang ang araw, punong puno ng pag-asa, pero ngayon, hanggang tanaw na lang ako.
sabi ng AD na kaibigan ko, alam mo ang kulang sa yo? influence. hindi ko alam ang ibig nyang sabihin. hindi ko din alam kung tama pa ba ang mga pinaggagagawa ko in the past 2 years or i'm just wasting time for too little money. hindi ko alam ang ibig nyang sabihin when he asked me kung bakit ako nagpapaka-2nd ad sa tv ngayon. gusto kong sagutin na it's available and it pays me, pero hindi ko din naman talaga alam e. wala akong alam.
money is money, plain and simple. at kung alam lang nya ang pinanggagalingan ng lahat, kung alam lang nya na happy ako na mabigyan ng pagkakataon na maghasik ng lagim sa tv prod. dahil yun na yung nakikita kong pinaka-lucrative option, sa ngayon.
that was last night, dahil na-upset ako sa mga pinagsasabi ng AD. pinapakwento na naman nya yung nangyari sa skwela. apparently yung ex ng isang dude na dating object of ambivalent desire ko dito sa blog eh kinwento sa kanya. ang nakakatawa dun, the ex and i are not supposed to know each other. i shouldn't know her pero kilala ko sya. i was surprised to know na kilala pala nya ko. at alam pa nya ang nangyari, to boot.
so na-praning na naman ako. ibig bang sabihin, alam na ng lahat? i asked the AD. sabi nya syempre alam na ni "Ex" kasi kasama sya sa skwelahang yon. ok. i suppose. ilang tao ba naman ang nakawitness nung araw na yon. marami-rami din, hindi ko na sila namukhaan, pero alam ko maraming tao sa paligid noon. yung moment na yon ang Top 1 sa list of Moments That I Would NEVER Want to Happen Again.
* * *
sa ngayon, wala na kasi akong pakialam. pagmamasdan ko na lang ang mga bulaklak at mangangarap ng ibang buhay bukod sa meron ako ngayon.
* * *
bukas, di ko alam kung me trabaho ako. siguro. na-realize ko lang na ang pagba-block ng crowd, pwede ding karirin. pwedeng aralin gamit ang isang sistema para maging mas madali sa yo. parang pagsi-skripkon. at dahil mukhang dito ako huhugat ng panggastos sa araw-araw for the immediate future, karirin natin to a PhD. kahit siguro pagtitimpla ng kape, kung matoka sa kin at pagkakakitaan, pagsisikapan kong master-in.
kasi dun na lang ikaw huhugot ng fulfillment. if you're doing your best in what you do, whatever it is. whether you're happy or not is immaterial. not right now. habang kinakapa mo pa kung saan ka talaga masaya, pagbutihin mo na.
at sana, hindi mo tinutulugan, diba. potah!
* * *
actually, gusto ko talagang magsulat. feeling ko, yun ang magiging pinakalucrative na trabaho sa immediate world ko. pwede kong karirin, kung mabibigyan ako ng chance. pero lumagpas na kasi ang tren, dumaan sya mga 2 years ago pa, at ibang tren ang sinakyan ko (na sa di-inaasahang pagkakataon ay na de-rail naman pala). akala ko dito, pero hindi pala. kung pwede lang bumalik sa dating terminal at sumakay sa iba.
* * *
me isasabmit akong ppt dapat sa bagong direktor na kakilala ko, kaso tinatamad ako. hay. laging may excuse sa bawat araw. sige na, gawin mo na. hindi sya sigurado pero pwede syang maging susi. sa pagkakaroon ng swiped id sa abs. HAHA!
* * *
sa kalagitnaan ng gabi habang minomonitor ang kilos ng mga talents kong lango na sa antok, na-realize ko na gusto kong maging katulad ng ilan sa mga kaibigan ko. ibang klase ang hirap nila bilang writers pero ang output nila, galing sa puso. hindi katulad ng trabaho ko na ang output eh pwede mo nang iwan at kalimutan. walang makakaalala, walang may pakialam. andami kong kaibigang writers pero bakit hindi ako nagpaka-writer? what did i have against tv back then?
kapag writer ka, naghuhubad ka din, pero disguised behind the characters na binibigyan mo ng buhay. parang artista. ok lang sa kin yon, kesa yung napupuyat at pinagpapawisan sa gitna ng madaling araw para sa isang bagay na hindi naman tumitibag sa puso mo.
mukhang nahanap ko na ang puso ko, kelangan ko lang magkaroon ng chance para sumakay sa tren uli. kung kelangang aralin uli at magsimula sa simula, gagawin ko. para sa kotse. para sa haus and lot. para sa smallest dint of career fulfillment. para sa, um, swiped card.
haha. bwisit na swiped card yan!
* * *
pasok ang manok ko sa pee-dee-ay. halos every season na naghahanap sina osobear ng bagong kateammate me at least 2 akong nirerecommend from my circle of associates. yung una, si donut from the compost movie (nakapasok sya pero nagresign din, tsktsk--joke lang donut! hehe). this time around, yung kinukwento kong tao sa entry na to, from project RR. akalain mong sa dinami-dami ng mga TV-experienced dudes and dudettes na na-interview eh ang mokong pa ang natanggap.
this morning, nag-training na sya. tinext nya ko, "just met osobear. could not stay mad at him...the man is a cool, laid-back saint. congrats." gusto kong matawa. si osobear pa pala ang nag-train sa kanya.
and if osobear were even half-listening to what i'd been making kwento about Cinegeek back then, he'd probably figure out the connection. pero wala naman akong narinig na acknowledgment about that ish. either hindi sya nakikinig nun, o hindi ish sa kanya yun. and knowing the "cool laidback saint" that he is, i'm more inclined to think the latter.
contrary to what maryrose is saying, naiinis pa rin ako re: this ish. it inspires a demon of sad thoughts in the non-normal girl;s feverish mind. :-P
Thursday, June 12, 2008
mahirap din pala ang paulit-ulit
it's been six months. i know i'm ok now. three months ago pa lang actually parang ok na ko. laughing like my normal self, living like nothing happened.
pero each time may taong hindi pa nakakaalam kung anong nangyari, at magtatanong kung bakit hindi na ko pumapasok sa skwela, kelangan kong ikwento uli. ayoko nang ikwento uli, pero pag malapit kong kaibigan ang nagtanong, ang hirap humindi, kaya ikukwento ko na naman uli.
at pag kinwento ko uli, parang binabalik ko na naman ang sarili ko sa panahong yon, at hindi ko pa rin maiwasang hindi maiyak, na kinagugulat ko sa sarili ko, sa totoo lang, dahil matagal na yon and i've since moved on.
six months is not enough pa pala, kung tutuusin, dahil yung nangyaring yon isang lifetime's dream ang naitaya, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din ma-reconcile sa isip ko kung pano ko bubuhayin uli, o karapat-dapat ko pa bang buhayin uli, because the craft chooses its alagads pala and not the other way around. at hindi ko pa alam hanggang ngayon kung deserving pa/na ba ako. ok na ko, but i realize that i'm still lost, at pag masakit pa rin ikwento ibig sabihin hindi ko pa napo-process nang tuluyan, and i don't know when the day will come na mari-realize ko kung ano ba talaga ang dapat gawin. kalimutan o ipaglaban, bumangon o layasan. it's been six months pero hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko pa din ang diyos kung anong plano nya para sa kin.
basta sana lang wala na muna uling magpapakwento.
pero each time may taong hindi pa nakakaalam kung anong nangyari, at magtatanong kung bakit hindi na ko pumapasok sa skwela, kelangan kong ikwento uli. ayoko nang ikwento uli, pero pag malapit kong kaibigan ang nagtanong, ang hirap humindi, kaya ikukwento ko na naman uli.
at pag kinwento ko uli, parang binabalik ko na naman ang sarili ko sa panahong yon, at hindi ko pa rin maiwasang hindi maiyak, na kinagugulat ko sa sarili ko, sa totoo lang, dahil matagal na yon and i've since moved on.
six months is not enough pa pala, kung tutuusin, dahil yung nangyaring yon isang lifetime's dream ang naitaya, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din ma-reconcile sa isip ko kung pano ko bubuhayin uli, o karapat-dapat ko pa bang buhayin uli, because the craft chooses its alagads pala and not the other way around. at hindi ko pa alam hanggang ngayon kung deserving pa/na ba ako. ok na ko, but i realize that i'm still lost, at pag masakit pa rin ikwento ibig sabihin hindi ko pa napo-process nang tuluyan, and i don't know when the day will come na mari-realize ko kung ano ba talaga ang dapat gawin. kalimutan o ipaglaban, bumangon o layasan. it's been six months pero hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko pa din ang diyos kung anong plano nya para sa kin.
basta sana lang wala na muna uling magpapakwento.
you/ have/ sto...len/ my...heart
stole this song/poem from orbitch, who's probably building indelible japan memories as we write...
So Sorry
by Feist
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh actions of mine
When patience is in short supply
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight
We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
Oh after you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
We, we could hold each other tight tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight...
So Sorry
by Feist
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh actions of mine
When patience is in short supply
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight
We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
Oh after you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
We, we could hold each other tight tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight...
Saturday, June 07, 2008
my little lions in the nursery
my little girl keanna, sporting a brand new diamond-studded (?!) collar
my pusakal little boy osobear in uber-candid glamor pose
lying around on a saturday afternoon
they're bored, so they decide to fight
oy, it's not what it looks like!
talo na naman si keanna sa wrestling, hehe
keanna: so what, mas maganda pa din ako
Friday, June 06, 2008
i want to quit smoking
but can't.
poor will power.
poor EQ.
too many stressful moments.
too many waiting hours.
too many people smoking around me.
i curse the day when i decided to take up smoking.
i can't even remember why i decided to.
if i only knew, i shouldn't have started.
it changes the color of your lips.
takes away the vitamins in your hair and skin.
makes you smell of smoke.
makes you fearful of cancer.
and when you see a picture of yourself taking a drag, it makes you cringe.
hindi bagay.
pangit tingnan.
imagine that's what people see everytime you smoke.
argh.
but each time i feel the urge to light up one,
hindi ko naaalala ang lahat ng mga cons.
naiisip ko lang ang pro.
temporary relief.
temporary gratification.
temporary refuge.
the short term, at the expense of the long term.
i hate it.
i've given up trying to quit, cause i keep failing.
nakakainis!
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
nakakainis pagselosin ang isang taong hindi seloso
worst case scenario, ikaw pa ang mapapraning. dahil maiisip mo, "bakit hindi sya nagseselos?!".
hindi pa naman nangyari sa kin yung worst case scenario. i guess i trust him enough now. haha!
* * *
circumstantial. some things are, like this.
sa sitwasyon ng isang tao at this point in his/her life, sa sitwasyon ng mundong ginagalawan nya. if you're looking for someone, you'll find that someone in the first semi-presentable person that comes along.
it just so happened na walang masyadong prospective targets sa buhay nya ngayon. siguro. malamang.
cine-phile is what he calls himself, but everything about him screams film geek in bold neon letters. yun ang pinaka-cool about him, actually (bukod pa sa red plate number ng kotse nyang pinamana ata ng nanay nyang congresswoman). madalang akong makatisod ng film geek sa mga shoots na ganito. hindi ako film geek o cinephile, mahilig lang manood ng pelikula, pero nakakasakay ako sa trip nya. and for that, i considered him a friend.
"close ba kayo?" tanong ni boss direk one time during one of our preprod meetings.
sya ang sumagot, stammering. "ah, eh, sya, kung gusto nya po." and all the guys in the table guffawed at the not-so-suave hirit. all of a sudden naalala ko si osobear, nung peebeebee days na magkatrabaho kami!
ever since he'd text me every off-day, making excuses to meet up. and i'd make excellent excuses to pass. because days off work for me are for family and loved ones, not for co-workers. i mean you see your co-workers 6 days a week, for crying out loud. knocking on the wrong door, buddy, but i didn't take it against him. i was amused. not taking it seriously, but amused.
and then one day at packup i hitched on a ride home sa kotse nyang pula ang plate number. sabi nya, ihahatid nya ko sa bahay kung gusto ko. "nakakahiya naman! dyan na lang sa mcdo, malapit na bahay ko dyan." and that was when the bomb dropped that made my firewalls rise up.
he told me na paulit-ulit nyang sinasabi na malakas ako sa kanya. at malalaki na raw kami, hindi na kami bata, kaya sasabihin na nya. na he wishes that i didn't have a...that there are some things that he wished i didn't have.
i humored him with a laugh. "ok. buti na lang harmless ka."
and as if on cue his car broke down and we ended up stuck on the side of the highway. umuulan pa naman ng malakas. the car wouldn't budge. romantic siguro kung pelikula ito. but it takes two to tango, wango.
soon i got a text msg from boss direk telling me about a meeting in makati that night. i had to get another ride, and someone came to fetch me. much as i didn't want to, i had to leave the poor guy with his broken down car and bail. so much for being a friend. haha.
and since then, i'd been walking with a firewall around me each time he'd be around. the harmless friend has become somewhat threatening to me. uncomfortable to be with, to say the least. syempre hindi nya alam yon, and i will never tell him.
hindi nya rin alam na secretly, i'm flattered. for some reason, cause i don't see him as just like one of those anyone-in-a-skirt kanto dudes. but flattery in this case doesn't promise anything. it's a dead-end feeling, and it will pass. as soon as the movie is done, as soon as he stops.
sabi ng kaibigan ko, sabihin mo yan kay osobear, para alam nya na loyal ka...at pampaselos na rin. haha. cheapest trick in the book, every girl uses it, and i'm no different. so i did.
ang problema kay osobear, para syang american actor. understated acting lagi. konting tanong, konting nuance. kung may reaction man, you'd miss it if you weren't looking closely. natural kasi syang hindi seloso, at mukhang secure ang loko sa loyalty ko. haha. nakakainis, kasi gusto kong maapektuhan sya, pero ok na rin naman. at least ngayon alam na nya. which saves me from the little guilt of feeling like i'm keeping a secret from him. the guilt is unjustified, but it's a bit there.
* * *
children of men.
can't wait to find time to watch it.
it stars clive owen, my most recent hollywood crush.
ang ganda ng death scene ni julianne moore.
oops, gave that away. haha!
* * *
the other day we saw "21".
ang ganda, kahit hindi ako marunong mag-blackjack.
structure wise, clever.
pero somehow, something's amiss. i can't pinpoint what.
i don't know. and i'm not cinephile-lish enough to instantly figure it out.
i need to see it again.
osobear loved the film, though.
after seeing "21", parang nagkaroon ako ng renewed admiration sa mga taong matatalino. parang ang message kasi ng pelikula is, "having brains can make you rich".
at saka, "matalino man ang matsing, naiisahan din".
at na-realize ko din na si osobear, hindi papahuli pagdating sa battle of the brains.
he gets it.
and that's just the thing. what i don't, he gets.
i just wish he wouldn't explain so much while the movie's playing. di ko tuloy naintindihan masyado yung isang portion ng pelikula!
* * *
hay. paperwork. due tonight.
and here i am, rambling.
mas masayang kausapin ang sarili, is what i always say.
bukas, shoot.
buong araw at gabi at magdamag.
first time kong makakatrabaho si p1ol0 p@scu@l.
* * *
"pano mo ba malalaman kung pa-hard-to-get ang isang babae?" i asked osobear one time. we were talking about courtship, and how some men, he says, would court women "just in case makalusot".
"yung hihindi sa una...tapos biglang, 'sige na nga!'"
i paused. a lingering question was burning at the back of my mind. we'd discussed this before, but just for kicks, i asked again.
"eh ako, pa-hard-to-get ba ang impression mo sa kin noon?"
he paused.
"hindi. hard-to-get."
i laughed. because.
"masyado ka kasing easy-to-get non e."
haha :-)
* * *
BACK TO WORK BACK TO WORK!
hindi pa naman nangyari sa kin yung worst case scenario. i guess i trust him enough now. haha!
* * *
circumstantial. some things are, like this.
sa sitwasyon ng isang tao at this point in his/her life, sa sitwasyon ng mundong ginagalawan nya. if you're looking for someone, you'll find that someone in the first semi-presentable person that comes along.
it just so happened na walang masyadong prospective targets sa buhay nya ngayon. siguro. malamang.
cine-phile is what he calls himself, but everything about him screams film geek in bold neon letters. yun ang pinaka-cool about him, actually (bukod pa sa red plate number ng kotse nyang pinamana ata ng nanay nyang congresswoman). madalang akong makatisod ng film geek sa mga shoots na ganito. hindi ako film geek o cinephile, mahilig lang manood ng pelikula, pero nakakasakay ako sa trip nya. and for that, i considered him a friend.
"close ba kayo?" tanong ni boss direk one time during one of our preprod meetings.
sya ang sumagot, stammering. "ah, eh, sya, kung gusto nya po." and all the guys in the table guffawed at the not-so-suave hirit. all of a sudden naalala ko si osobear, nung peebeebee days na magkatrabaho kami!
ever since he'd text me every off-day, making excuses to meet up. and i'd make excellent excuses to pass. because days off work for me are for family and loved ones, not for co-workers. i mean you see your co-workers 6 days a week, for crying out loud. knocking on the wrong door, buddy, but i didn't take it against him. i was amused. not taking it seriously, but amused.
and then one day at packup i hitched on a ride home sa kotse nyang pula ang plate number. sabi nya, ihahatid nya ko sa bahay kung gusto ko. "nakakahiya naman! dyan na lang sa mcdo, malapit na bahay ko dyan." and that was when the bomb dropped that made my firewalls rise up.
he told me na paulit-ulit nyang sinasabi na malakas ako sa kanya. at malalaki na raw kami, hindi na kami bata, kaya sasabihin na nya. na he wishes that i didn't have a...that there are some things that he wished i didn't have.
i humored him with a laugh. "ok. buti na lang harmless ka."
and as if on cue his car broke down and we ended up stuck on the side of the highway. umuulan pa naman ng malakas. the car wouldn't budge. romantic siguro kung pelikula ito. but it takes two to tango, wango.
soon i got a text msg from boss direk telling me about a meeting in makati that night. i had to get another ride, and someone came to fetch me. much as i didn't want to, i had to leave the poor guy with his broken down car and bail. so much for being a friend. haha.
and since then, i'd been walking with a firewall around me each time he'd be around. the harmless friend has become somewhat threatening to me. uncomfortable to be with, to say the least. syempre hindi nya alam yon, and i will never tell him.
hindi nya rin alam na secretly, i'm flattered. for some reason, cause i don't see him as just like one of those anyone-in-a-skirt kanto dudes. but flattery in this case doesn't promise anything. it's a dead-end feeling, and it will pass. as soon as the movie is done, as soon as he stops.
sabi ng kaibigan ko, sabihin mo yan kay osobear, para alam nya na loyal ka...at pampaselos na rin. haha. cheapest trick in the book, every girl uses it, and i'm no different. so i did.
ang problema kay osobear, para syang american actor. understated acting lagi. konting tanong, konting nuance. kung may reaction man, you'd miss it if you weren't looking closely. natural kasi syang hindi seloso, at mukhang secure ang loko sa loyalty ko. haha. nakakainis, kasi gusto kong maapektuhan sya, pero ok na rin naman. at least ngayon alam na nya. which saves me from the little guilt of feeling like i'm keeping a secret from him. the guilt is unjustified, but it's a bit there.
* * *
children of men.
can't wait to find time to watch it.
it stars clive owen, my most recent hollywood crush.
ang ganda ng death scene ni julianne moore.
oops, gave that away. haha!
* * *
the other day we saw "21".
ang ganda, kahit hindi ako marunong mag-blackjack.
structure wise, clever.
pero somehow, something's amiss. i can't pinpoint what.
i don't know. and i'm not cinephile-lish enough to instantly figure it out.
i need to see it again.
osobear loved the film, though.
after seeing "21", parang nagkaroon ako ng renewed admiration sa mga taong matatalino. parang ang message kasi ng pelikula is, "having brains can make you rich".
at saka, "matalino man ang matsing, naiisahan din".
at na-realize ko din na si osobear, hindi papahuli pagdating sa battle of the brains.
he gets it.
and that's just the thing. what i don't, he gets.
i just wish he wouldn't explain so much while the movie's playing. di ko tuloy naintindihan masyado yung isang portion ng pelikula!
* * *
hay. paperwork. due tonight.
and here i am, rambling.
mas masayang kausapin ang sarili, is what i always say.
bukas, shoot.
buong araw at gabi at magdamag.
first time kong makakatrabaho si p1ol0 p@scu@l.
* * *
"pano mo ba malalaman kung pa-hard-to-get ang isang babae?" i asked osobear one time. we were talking about courtship, and how some men, he says, would court women "just in case makalusot".
"yung hihindi sa una...tapos biglang, 'sige na nga!'"
i paused. a lingering question was burning at the back of my mind. we'd discussed this before, but just for kicks, i asked again.
"eh ako, pa-hard-to-get ba ang impression mo sa kin noon?"
he paused.
"hindi. hard-to-get."
i laughed. because.
"masyado ka kasing easy-to-get non e."
haha :-)
* * *
BACK TO WORK BACK TO WORK!
keanna files
one of her favorite tambayans. mehn, keekee looks old in this pic.
keanna up close, with her pokemon pounce toy
keanna na bagong gising (puro muta!)
a bundle of brown and coffee fur
keanna with the big fat brofull name: keanna
nickname: keekee
official "birthday": april 25, 2008
age: 3 months
favorite food: friskies, fish, milk, anything meaty
hobbies: pouncing, lying around, scratching herself against anything remotely pointed
unique characteristic: she doesn't run; she leaps. she has eyes the color of a cloudless summer sky.
favorite "tambayans": the little nook under the dinner table. my father's toolbox. her litterbox.
bestfriends: osobear. and the big black cat in the house, mojo.
keanna takes a playmate
a stray kitten about the same age and size as my kitten keanna wandered into our yard one day. we decided to adopt him, para naman may kalaro ang unica hija ko. hehe.
sana nga pala rustom na lang ang pinangalan ko sa bagong bestfriend ni keanna (in memory of the gay-girl tandem at Da Haus a couple o' year back) kaso "nabinyagan" ko na ang pusakal sa ngalang osobear (in honor of the one who gifted me with my baby kitten). heheh.
osobear has an unusually long snout for a cat. di sya uber cute, but he is generally well-behaved, kahit mukhang street-smart, dahil exposed na sa great outdoors. may tendencies syang maging true-blue pusakal (yung mga tipong inaakyat ang dining table at nagnanakaw ng ulam) at maingay syang ngumiyaw (which annoys me sometimes), pero mabait naman sya at maamo kaya pasok sya sa cat-love meter ko.
and keanna is amused with him. that counts a lot. what my baby loves, i love!
mukha lang bored and unexcited si keanna dito pero nagkakasundo naman sila ni osobear sa maraming bagay. they take "pouncing" lessons together; one moment keanna would pounce on osobear, gaganti naman si osobear and would pounce back. nakakatuwa silang magharutan, like little lions in a nursery; wala namang nasasaktan dahil mga babies lang sila and they have soft claws. my family and i happily look on and amuse ourselves.
osobear will be welcome to stay for as long as he's a kitten, pero pag nagbinata sya baka kelangan na syang ipaampon sa iba. mahirap na, by that time dalaga na si keanna...boys will be boys, mapa-tao man o pusa. hehe. gusto ko kasing-tisay ni keanna ang mga magiging first babies nya!
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