the memory is still fresh, and so i can't be objective.
my senses are assaulted by it everywhere, nearly everytime these days. i hear about it, i get messages about it, and i can only feign lividness and joy, an i'm-happy-and-proud stock response, but in truth i just want to bury it and everything associated with it in my baul of uncherished memories, just want to friggin FORGET everything about it for now.
in this case, at this point, memories ruin my mood. anytime, anywhere.
and so sana, matapos na ang next two weeks na ito ng pagra-rant ng mga tao, ng magpapaalala ng nakaraang 9 weeks sa buhay ko, dahil taena, gusto ko nang maging Little Miss Sunshine for the rest of my life, at hindi ko magawa-gawa, hangga't.
yea, i'm emo. and memories stick like kulangots on dry wood, as far as i'm concerned. but a year or less and i'll forget everything.
* * *
on a sunshiney note, i'm happy. for the rest, finally. and the chance to detox, physically and emotionally.
at. sana may bonus.
* * *
three days ago i was planning on writing something ugh-inspiring. a spur-of-the-moment feeling na gusto ko sanang i-immortalize, which is, hello. buti na lang. because those things come and go faster than you could blog about them.
back to normal, back to sanity.
* * *
on a happy, lucky day, this happens to you. you walk from 15th floor down to the "cafeteria" for lunch and you meet nearly half a dozen old friends and colleagues on one trip. that happened to me yesterday. passed by a headwriter friend, a writer friend, a director from the ole days, and a former classmate from the ole school. and nearly everyone had brought promising tidings to clueless old me. little girl who don't know which way is the candy store (and don't know if she wants candy, at all). i nod and open myself up, for these are strange interesting times, all avenues are for exploring for the dudette who has yet to figure out which way is meant for the likes of her. kaya pray na lang ako kay god, dahil sya ang mas makakaalam.
where the tide takes me. and this time i really mean it.
* * *
halloween ho-hum.
sana lang me party, like in previous years, kaso nawipe out ko na ang budget ko for this week in the last three days that passed.
bad trip.
i hate spending halloween at home.
pero masaya pa rin, kasi i get to rest.
and curl up in bed reading ian rosales casocot.
a friend of mine knows this dude.
i wonder what he's like in person, if he's just my type of gay.
ha-ha-ha and ha!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
on second thought, parang bitin...
...dahil pagkatagal-tagal kong hinintay, tapos lilipas nang ganun ganun lang.
pero ok na rin siguro. alam ko pag di ako pumasok today may mga maiinis sa kin. pero pag wala kang emotional investment, madaling bumitaw. kahit lumipas ang araw na to, madaling maka-move on. at ang totoo, kaya ko lang naman sya hinihintay dahil gusto kong lumipas na sya.
at true enough. 12 hours na lang, october 26 na. hindi ko na kelangang isipin ang (o ma-guilty sa) shoot today na hindi ko napuntahan. postprod na lang ang magho-haunt sa kin. hanggang lunes.
today, deadbatt ang phone ko.
pero ok na rin siguro. alam ko pag di ako pumasok today may mga maiinis sa kin. pero pag wala kang emotional investment, madaling bumitaw. kahit lumipas ang araw na to, madaling maka-move on. at ang totoo, kaya ko lang naman sya hinihintay dahil gusto kong lumipas na sya.
at true enough. 12 hours na lang, october 26 na. hindi ko na kelangang isipin ang (o ma-guilty sa) shoot today na hindi ko napuntahan. postprod na lang ang magho-haunt sa kin. hanggang lunes.
today, deadbatt ang phone ko.
it's the movie's last shooting day today...
...and i'm not even there.
coming from a different shoot, di ko alam kung anong oras ang calltime today, dahil didiretso sila ng 48 straight hours. i was meaning to wake up at 4 am para abangan kung anong oras ang magiging packup-pullout nila for the next location.
i woke up at 9, to find multiple msgs and 10 missed calls on my phone. 5:30 am pa pala sila umalis. tanay ang location.
pano yun, i wondered. pano ako makakasunod sa malayong lupalop ng tanay. tried calling. i texted. no replies. ok, sabi ko. bahala na, io-off ko na lang ang phone ko.
hence, today. last day, off. :-)
aside from the work that would happen, i don't think anything would be missed anyway.
coming from a different shoot, di ko alam kung anong oras ang calltime today, dahil didiretso sila ng 48 straight hours. i was meaning to wake up at 4 am para abangan kung anong oras ang magiging packup-pullout nila for the next location.
i woke up at 9, to find multiple msgs and 10 missed calls on my phone. 5:30 am pa pala sila umalis. tanay ang location.
pano yun, i wondered. pano ako makakasunod sa malayong lupalop ng tanay. tried calling. i texted. no replies. ok, sabi ko. bahala na, io-off ko na lang ang phone ko.
hence, today. last day, off. :-)
aside from the work that would happen, i don't think anything would be missed anyway.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
day by day account ito?
(as the countdown comes close to the most anticipated Last Day)
still in the same internet shop during tengga time.
the direk must be back by now. i hope not.
they're discussing the scenes that we could shoot tonight. we're all in limbo.
sana, pauwiin na lang kami. kahit maagang call bukas, basta uwi na.
i wonder kung 5 days to go na lang talaga.
i love dora. i miss my kitty keekee. i wanna go hoooome.
* * *
hay.
* * *
rose, magblog ka lang nang magblog dito. para naman hindi na lonely planet ang drama ng mga blog entries ko. haha. sana naman makapagkape na tayo minsan. yung masaya at makwentong kapihan na hindi tayo pagod pareho at magiging cathartic at uplifting at the same time. mishu.
still in the same internet shop during tengga time.
the direk must be back by now. i hope not.
they're discussing the scenes that we could shoot tonight. we're all in limbo.
sana, pauwiin na lang kami. kahit maagang call bukas, basta uwi na.
i wonder kung 5 days to go na lang talaga.
i love dora. i miss my kitty keekee. i wanna go hoooome.
* * *
hay.
* * *
rose, magblog ka lang nang magblog dito. para naman hindi na lonely planet ang drama ng mga blog entries ko. haha. sana naman makapagkape na tayo minsan. yung masaya at makwentong kapihan na hindi tayo pagod pareho at magiging cathartic at uplifting at the same time. mishu.
after today, 4 days to go
it's the 21st. we'll be done on the 25th, come hell or high water.
technically, 5 days pa. isang buong araw pa ang bubunuin para maging 4 days to go.
wala pang tulog. may pinagawa pang assignment sa kin. taena. this was a trying day. napikon talaga ko. nag-trillanes mode ako sa loob. napasabi ako ng ayoko na, aloud, sa harap ng isang katrabaho.
sabi nya, 5 days na lang!
actually, ako yung laging nagsasabi sa kanya nun. sya naman, __ days pa (with matching groan).
ayoko na nga e. pero tatapusin ko. titiisin ko. dahil 5 days na lang.
tinanong ng artista sa direk, ano po yung first job nyo sa showbiz?
ang sagot nya, scriptcon.
lalong gusto ko nang umayaw sa trabahong to. dahil feeling ko, hindi umaandar ang buhay ko.
at kung hindi din naman kikita ng malaki (or kikita at ALL, in this case), wala nang rason para mag-stay.
tapos, an SMS just this morning.
malaking temptation. actually, hindi ko matatanggihan.
kaso, yun pa rin. scriptcon. same old same old. pero ang kaibahan, kikita ako. ang kaibahan, hindi ako pagagawin ng potaenang floor PA work. hindi ako pagbebabysit sa mga artista.
continuity lang. no more, no less.
with that, masisikmura ko pa.
thank you lord. for blessings like this.
thank you lord. dahil 5 days na lang.
thank you lord sa lucky me supreme.
thank you lord sa magiging masayang breakfast with osobear.
thank you lord, dahil hindi nyo ko pinapabayaan, at kahit hindi ko nakukuha ang lahat ng gusto ko, may mga unexpected blessings naman na dumarating sa buhay every now and then. more often than not.
thank you lord. i love the life you gave me. :-)
five days na lang. :-)
technically, 5 days pa. isang buong araw pa ang bubunuin para maging 4 days to go.
wala pang tulog. may pinagawa pang assignment sa kin. taena. this was a trying day. napikon talaga ko. nag-trillanes mode ako sa loob. napasabi ako ng ayoko na, aloud, sa harap ng isang katrabaho.
sabi nya, 5 days na lang!
actually, ako yung laging nagsasabi sa kanya nun. sya naman, __ days pa (with matching groan).
ayoko na nga e. pero tatapusin ko. titiisin ko. dahil 5 days na lang.
tinanong ng artista sa direk, ano po yung first job nyo sa showbiz?
ang sagot nya, scriptcon.
lalong gusto ko nang umayaw sa trabahong to. dahil feeling ko, hindi umaandar ang buhay ko.
at kung hindi din naman kikita ng malaki (or kikita at ALL, in this case), wala nang rason para mag-stay.
tapos, an SMS just this morning.
malaking temptation. actually, hindi ko matatanggihan.
kaso, yun pa rin. scriptcon. same old same old. pero ang kaibahan, kikita ako. ang kaibahan, hindi ako pagagawin ng potaenang floor PA work. hindi ako pagbebabysit sa mga artista.
continuity lang. no more, no less.
with that, masisikmura ko pa.
thank you lord. for blessings like this.
thank you lord. dahil 5 days na lang.
thank you lord sa lucky me supreme.
thank you lord sa magiging masayang breakfast with osobear.
thank you lord, dahil hindi nyo ko pinapabayaan, at kahit hindi ko nakukuha ang lahat ng gusto ko, may mga unexpected blessings naman na dumarating sa buhay every now and then. more often than not.
thank you lord. i love the life you gave me. :-)
five days na lang. :-)
Friday, October 17, 2008
parang de ja vu
dahil i'm back in the same internet shop again, during tengga time.
thank god for this day. hindi pa sya matatapos pero i'm praying na sana mabilis na lang lilipas ang oras. at magugulat na lang ako bigla na packup time na pala.
officially, matatapos daw ang pelikula ng october 25. 8 days away. malapit na lang yun. 8 days na lang!
thank god for this day. hindi pa sya matatapos pero i'm praying na sana mabilis na lang lilipas ang oras. at magugulat na lang ako bigla na packup time na pala.
officially, matatapos daw ang pelikula ng october 25. 8 days away. malapit na lang yun. 8 days na lang!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
inside an internet shop at dinner break...
...dahil isang linggo na yata akong hindi nago-online.
paborito ko ang araw na ito. for one wonderful reason.
i thank god. for answered prayers. and i keep praying that my prayers will continue to be answered, with each day.
* * *
10 days na lang. or less. sana less. i can't wait to go back to my life again.
minsan hindi mo alam kung anong gusto mo, pero alam mo kung ano ang ayaw mo.
* * *
i really should go back now. baka bumalik na si direk. pero isa na lang. lalo kong naaappreciate ang home and family sa mga panahong halos di ako mapirmi sa bahay. sa mga panahong stressful at haggard ang work schedule.
namimiss ko na ang pusa kong si keanna.
namimiss ko na ang meals kasama ang mama at papa ko.
namimiss ko na ang mahahabang dates namin ni osobear.
namimiss ko nang mag-makeup.
namimiss ko nang mag-ayos at magbihis ng hindi pang-shooting ang outfit.
namimiss ko nang chumika with friends.
namimiss ko na ang kama ko.
pero di bale. 10 days na lang. at malaya na ko.
paborito ko ang araw na ito. for one wonderful reason.
i thank god. for answered prayers. and i keep praying that my prayers will continue to be answered, with each day.
* * *
10 days na lang. or less. sana less. i can't wait to go back to my life again.
minsan hindi mo alam kung anong gusto mo, pero alam mo kung ano ang ayaw mo.
* * *
i really should go back now. baka bumalik na si direk. pero isa na lang. lalo kong naaappreciate ang home and family sa mga panahong halos di ako mapirmi sa bahay. sa mga panahong stressful at haggard ang work schedule.
namimiss ko na ang pusa kong si keanna.
namimiss ko na ang meals kasama ang mama at papa ko.
namimiss ko na ang mahahabang dates namin ni osobear.
namimiss ko nang mag-makeup.
namimiss ko nang mag-ayos at magbihis ng hindi pang-shooting ang outfit.
namimiss ko nang chumika with friends.
namimiss ko na ang kama ko.
pero di bale. 10 days na lang. at malaya na ko.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
little miss sunshine
may mga taong sadyang pinanganak na positibo ang tingin sa mundo at sa buhay. siguro, nung pinapanganak sila, kasabay sa pagsikat ng araw, kaya yung sunrays nag-seep in sa kaloob-looban ng pagkatao nila.
siguro pinanganak ako na palubog na ang araw. kaya kung may mga little miss (and mister) sunshine, ako si little miss sunset. nag-aagaw ang night and day, ang optimism at pessimism. pero malamang 5:59 pm na nung pinanganak ako dahil laging natatalo ng dilim ang liwanag.
tulad ngayon. naiinis ako dahil lagi na lang kaming last two weeks before packup. LAGI NA LANG. extend ng extend ang p***** project na to. kaya minsan ayoko nang magbilang. pero nagbibilang pa rin ako.
si little miss sunshine, iisipin siguro, LAST TWO WEEKS NA LANG!
ako, iniisip ngayon, LAST TWO WEEKS PA.
gusto ko nang magka-life.
nabubwisit din ako. dahil konti na nga lang ang free days ko, kailangan pa ding magtrabaho.
si little miss sunshine, will cheerfully carry on the job til completion. hindi sya magba-blog, dahil sayang ang oras.
ako, i grumble. i grow to hate my job even more than i already do. at magba-blog ako para maglabas ng sama ng loob.
kasi gusto ko ng ibang life. ng ibang job. ng ibang state of mind.
ang masaklap dun, 70% of the odds of me getting those three things will all have to depend on me. for now, i have no other choice but to hack my way through the last (POTAH, SANA LAST NA NGA) two freakin weeks.
siguro pinanganak ako na palubog na ang araw. kaya kung may mga little miss (and mister) sunshine, ako si little miss sunset. nag-aagaw ang night and day, ang optimism at pessimism. pero malamang 5:59 pm na nung pinanganak ako dahil laging natatalo ng dilim ang liwanag.
tulad ngayon. naiinis ako dahil lagi na lang kaming last two weeks before packup. LAGI NA LANG. extend ng extend ang p***** project na to. kaya minsan ayoko nang magbilang. pero nagbibilang pa rin ako.
si little miss sunshine, iisipin siguro, LAST TWO WEEKS NA LANG!
ako, iniisip ngayon, LAST TWO WEEKS PA.
gusto ko nang magka-life.
nabubwisit din ako. dahil konti na nga lang ang free days ko, kailangan pa ding magtrabaho.
si little miss sunshine, will cheerfully carry on the job til completion. hindi sya magba-blog, dahil sayang ang oras.
ako, i grumble. i grow to hate my job even more than i already do. at magba-blog ako para maglabas ng sama ng loob.
kasi gusto ko ng ibang life. ng ibang job. ng ibang state of mind.
ang masaklap dun, 70% of the odds of me getting those three things will all have to depend on me. for now, i have no other choice but to hack my way through the last (POTAH, SANA LAST NA NGA) two freakin weeks.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
reality bites...again.
an old college friend messaged me on facebook today.
tinatanong nya kung bakit daw ako kumekembot sa primary pic ko. haha. malungkot ako lately, pero natawa naman ako dun. narealize ko din kung gano ko na-miss ang college friend kong to. ang college friends ko, na iilan na lang ata ang in touch ako ngayon. ang college, na isang malaking kanlungan, kumpara sa totoong buhay ngayon.
until today, she has been out of touch. i didn't know why, and the praning in me started thinking that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. kababawan mang maituturing pero sinisisi ko ang sarili dahil minsan sa isang honest heart-to-heart talk nasabihan ko sya na mag-undergo ng "makeover". feeling ko nasaktan ko sya. yung tipong sakit na kahit alam mong well-meaning ang nagsabi sa yo, magnu-nurture ka pa rin ng sama ng loob sa kanya.
ang babaw naman kung ganon, kung yun ang rason. naisip ko din na siguro dahil nag-iba na talaga ang career paths namin. nag-stay ako sa showbiz habang sya, nag-akademya. hindi nya pinursue ang pangarap na sabay naming hinabol-habol nung college. it happens. friends drift apart because of time and space. parang labers yan, di ba. wow labers. haha.
tapos, here she is. nagpaparamdam lang daw. perfect timing. namiss ko silang lahat. sa punto ng life na ito. sabi ko, may crisis ako. ayoko na sa showbiz. at sagot nya, relax ka lang, don't worry too much. andito lang kami for you.
i'm not worrying, girl.
well, it's not the dominant emotion.
i'm just looking to find my place elsewhere. but i'm clueless kung saan.
dati puno tayo ng dreams, siguro mas napaaga lang mamatay yung sa yo. pero next time magkita tayo the first thing i'll tell you is namatay na rin yung akin.
nung una iniyakan ko, pero ok na ko ngayon. tanggap ko na. pwede ko pang buhayin pero para saan pa. aakyat ka ng bundok pero may assurance ka ba na worth it ang makikita mo from the top?
from the looks of things, not it. not for a living. not in this lifetime.
i'd rather look for a living elsewhere.
baka nga smart ang move mo ang mag-akademya. dahil ang showbiz, nakakasarado ng utak. nakakapurol ng isip. nakakamatay ng maliit na tao sa loob mo.
bukod pa sa toxic sya sa kalusugan, nakakamatay.
* * *
thank you lord.
i will not tire of thanking you every day. i believe. i know. that you are always there, everyday.
by hook or by crook, october 17 will be my last day.
tinatanong nya kung bakit daw ako kumekembot sa primary pic ko. haha. malungkot ako lately, pero natawa naman ako dun. narealize ko din kung gano ko na-miss ang college friend kong to. ang college friends ko, na iilan na lang ata ang in touch ako ngayon. ang college, na isang malaking kanlungan, kumpara sa totoong buhay ngayon.
until today, she has been out of touch. i didn't know why, and the praning in me started thinking that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. kababawan mang maituturing pero sinisisi ko ang sarili dahil minsan sa isang honest heart-to-heart talk nasabihan ko sya na mag-undergo ng "makeover". feeling ko nasaktan ko sya. yung tipong sakit na kahit alam mong well-meaning ang nagsabi sa yo, magnu-nurture ka pa rin ng sama ng loob sa kanya.
ang babaw naman kung ganon, kung yun ang rason. naisip ko din na siguro dahil nag-iba na talaga ang career paths namin. nag-stay ako sa showbiz habang sya, nag-akademya. hindi nya pinursue ang pangarap na sabay naming hinabol-habol nung college. it happens. friends drift apart because of time and space. parang labers yan, di ba. wow labers. haha.
tapos, here she is. nagpaparamdam lang daw. perfect timing. namiss ko silang lahat. sa punto ng life na ito. sabi ko, may crisis ako. ayoko na sa showbiz. at sagot nya, relax ka lang, don't worry too much. andito lang kami for you.
i'm not worrying, girl.
well, it's not the dominant emotion.
i'm just looking to find my place elsewhere. but i'm clueless kung saan.
dati puno tayo ng dreams, siguro mas napaaga lang mamatay yung sa yo. pero next time magkita tayo the first thing i'll tell you is namatay na rin yung akin.
nung una iniyakan ko, pero ok na ko ngayon. tanggap ko na. pwede ko pang buhayin pero para saan pa. aakyat ka ng bundok pero may assurance ka ba na worth it ang makikita mo from the top?
from the looks of things, not it. not for a living. not in this lifetime.
i'd rather look for a living elsewhere.
baka nga smart ang move mo ang mag-akademya. dahil ang showbiz, nakakasarado ng utak. nakakapurol ng isip. nakakamatay ng maliit na tao sa loob mo.
bukod pa sa toxic sya sa kalusugan, nakakamatay.
* * *
thank you lord.
i will not tire of thanking you every day. i believe. i know. that you are always there, everyday.
by hook or by crook, october 17 will be my last day.
prayers
lord, i pray that the next two weeks will come and go as fast as possible.
sana, dumating na ang last day nang halos hindi ko namamalayan.
i pray, too, that you would help me survive every single day of the next two weeks. with work still done, with grace and a poker face, with an armor that will protect me from all sources of anxiety. because, at the end of every shooting day, it is still the work that matters. i am there for the work. kahit hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na patuloy pa ring gagawin ang work na ganito in the future.
i pray, lord, that you would help me find a good place. a place where i can live life, be happy and fulfilled. for the meantime, though, i wish na matapos na to. at ang bawat araw that i will have to live through, may blessing nyo. may guidance nyo. may justice na galing sa pagbabasbas nyo.
lord, sana paggising ko bukas, october 17 na.
* * *
things to do when this is over:
1. get a haircut.
2. get a rebond. (hmm...optional)
3. reclaim my old complexion.
4. get an out of town vacation.
5. think about future options.
6. meet up with friends.
7. make it up to osobear.
8. treat myself to a not-so-expensive trip to the mall.
9. go to church to thank god that it's over.
sana, dumating na ang last day nang halos hindi ko namamalayan.
i pray, too, that you would help me survive every single day of the next two weeks. with work still done, with grace and a poker face, with an armor that will protect me from all sources of anxiety. because, at the end of every shooting day, it is still the work that matters. i am there for the work. kahit hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na patuloy pa ring gagawin ang work na ganito in the future.
i pray, lord, that you would help me find a good place. a place where i can live life, be happy and fulfilled. for the meantime, though, i wish na matapos na to. at ang bawat araw that i will have to live through, may blessing nyo. may guidance nyo. may justice na galing sa pagbabasbas nyo.
lord, sana paggising ko bukas, october 17 na.
* * *
things to do when this is over:
1. get a haircut.
2. get a rebond. (hmm...optional)
3. reclaim my old complexion.
4. get an out of town vacation.
5. think about future options.
6. meet up with friends.
7. make it up to osobear.
8. treat myself to a not-so-expensive trip to the mall.
9. go to church to thank god that it's over.
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