my little girl at 3 months old

let me indulge my proud-mommy self...

memories of tita baby

sad last night, remembering my aunt who passed away. it hasn't been a month, and we still feel her absence, the cold realization that we will never see her again. it still hasn't really sunk in til now, lagi pa rin akong naninibago, hindi makapaniwala. she was always there. always been there, especially for my mother. and i couldn't bear hearing my mother sobbing on the phone. gusto ko ring umiyak, pero pag umiyak kaming sabay, baka lalo lang syang malungkot.

i miss you so much tita baby. i miss your honking outside our house whenever you'd pick up mama for a ride to lola emang's at san mateo. i miss seeing you seated in our sala, in your t-shirt and shorts and the car keys dangling in your hand. i miss kissing you hello. i miss your shrill happy voice. i miss you practical advices, your funny laugh, your banana cake, your presence.

nung bata ako, my earliest memory of you was whenever i'd be vacationing in san mateo, sa kwarto mo ako natutulog...tabi tayo...ikaw ang nanay ko pag nagbabakasyon ako kina lola. spoiled ako bilang bata noon pero takot ako sa yo, pero ikaw ang nagpapaligo sa kin. nung kasal mo, flower girl ako, may sumpong ako on the morning of your wedding day habang nagpapamakeup tayong dalawa, pero nagulat ako kasi di mo ko pinagalitan...siguro kasi naisip mo wedding day mo, bawal magalit kasi papanget. haha.

minsan pumunta tayo sa cubao, kumain tayo ng isang donut sa dunkin' donuts - new frontier, in-introduce mo ko sa flavor na bavarian filled. gusto ko pa ng isa pero nahihiya akong humingi, pero hanggang ngayon paborito ko pa rin yung bavarian filled. every pasko lagi mong sinusukat ng kamay mo ang paa ko, lagi kang nagbabalak na bilhan ako ng sapatos bilang regalo, hindi ko na maalala kung natuloy nga ba ang pagbili mo sa kin ng shoes. ah, natuloy sya, sinama mo kong magshopping ng sapatos ko, bilang bata ang gusto ko yung tsarol na makintab na may mga ribbon, sabi mo wag baduy yan. binili mo ako ng black leather schoolshoes, at kahit ayaw ko nung shoes di na ko umimik...ngayon narealize ko na ang wisdom behind your taste, kasi ngayon nababaduyan nga ako sa tsarol.

minsan sinama ka namin sa beach excursion with my ninong, papa and mama, dalaga ka pa noon, naalala ko kung paano ka mag-sunbathing sa beach habang kumakain ng fried chicken habang naglalaro ako sa buhanginan. nung kinagabihan, tumambay tayo sa kotse para matulog habang nagmamahjong sina mama, you taught me my first song--"nothing's gonna change my love for you". kinakanta mo yun and you were encouraging me to sing along, but i was too young to remember an entire song. pero sa tuwing maririnig ko yung kantang yon hanggang ngayon, naaalala kita.

nung highschool ako going through my awkward years, you always had a solution for every teen problem--pimples, growing boobs, hygiene. you even gave me my first pedicure. nung nagsisimula na kong magsulat sa mga magazines, you were so supportive of me that you photocopied all of my works in your office machine and compiled them all for me. you were so proud of me and i was so flattered, i didn't want to let you down.

andami pang memories tita...kulang ang mga pahina, dahil you were always part of our lives. you were in the periphery, yes, but you were always there for us, just a phonecall away. it hurts to realize na ngayon hindi na kita makikita.

ang dami ko pa namang gustong itanong sa yo. tungkol sa buhay may-asawa. alam na alam mo yan, kasi nagdaan ka din sa phase ng buhay ko ngayon. pagdating sa ganyan, sa budget, sa bahay, sa pangangasiwa ng buhay, ikaw ang idol ko.

mommy diaries

magaling talaga ang diyos. he knows how to traffic our lives in ways that will ultimately do us all good.

tulad ngayon. work is light, and the soap we're cooking up isn't as stressful to do as the previous soap we'd done. one year ago, i would've been restless, listless, bored. but now i consider it a blessing. because i get to have more time for my baby. siguro okay na yung until after the christmas holidays. kasi baka naman masyado nang maburo ang utak ko pag extended vacation from busyness. nakakamiss din namang maging hectic ang buhay.

three months na si aysie. marunong na syang tumititig sa mga tao, na para bang nangsisino, nage-estima. marunong na rin syang ngumiti at will, kapag friendly face o familiar face ang nakatapat sa kanya. she can coo and make these delightful baby ga-ga sounds every now and then, and it never fails to make me laugh. every day she's looking more and more like her father at nagpapasalamat naman ako..dahil para sa kin guwapo naman ang mister ko. haha. (sana lang wag maging KC case ito...yung parang babaeng gabby).

on the nega side, nakaka-6 or 7k na yata kami sa vaccines at pedia visits nya. and there's more to come. soon kailangan na rin syang pabinyagan...magfifirst birthday na rin siya...eventually mag-aaral na rin sya...walang katapusan ang gastos. kaya naisip ko, we can never really save enough. kailangan walang katapusan din ang pag-iipon dahil from now on wala na ring katapusan ang gastos. ganyan pala ang buhay kapag may anak ka na.

kaya i will it. i will for more money to come. nang hindi naman ako masyadong mai-intoxify sa araw-araw na buhay. or pwede rin, basta sa takdang panahon. basta alam naman ng diyos kung anong makakabuti para sa lahat. i trust in him completely.

one more thing to look forward to: aysie's first christmas. malamang hindi pa nya maaalala to but i'd love to immortalize it in pictures and show them to her when she's old enough to appreciate it---hey anak, this was your first christmas on earth. haha. kahit nga itong blogsite ko, god-willing na meron pang blogger.com in ten or fifteen yeas, ipapabasa ko sa kanya for a blow-by-blow account of her childhood. haha. the wonders of technology.

random shwandom

* i dream of revisiting the city of pines this november. kaso impractical. i can't leave my baby and i'd better just save the money. now isn't like then, when i'd only have to look out for myself.
* i dream of going back to my first love: reading.
* i miss hanging out with friends. i haven't done that in quite sometime.
* i miss seeing a movie in theaters.
* i so badly want to lose weight.
* i used to dream and get paid for it. i want to go back to that just-dreaming mode. writing used to be like that. i long to go back to that time.
* i'm obsessed with savings.
* i love nursing my baby. love it to bits. she stops crying when she sees me hauling out my chug. she knows it's gonna be feeding time. haha.