nakakalorky ang simula ng linggo...

sana nakakalorky din sa saya ang bunga ng mga paghihirap at pagtatrabaho.

sabado, nagsubmit ako ng draft 6. akala ko kahit papano makkahinga na ko for the weekened. may utang pang thingies to another project pero nagdecide pumetiks ng linggo. at dahil mahigit dalawang buwan na yata akong di nkakauwi ng marikina, nagfdecide na simulan ang bagong week by going home to marikina with my babygirl. overnight stay, dahil birthday ng papa ko ng tuesday, today.

kahapon, nakiusap ang ep ng youth show, baka daw pwedeng today na ko magsubmit ng week 2 script para makapag-feedback tomorrow. so um-oo ako. kaso ang baby ko, namamahay sa marikina, ayaw magpaalaga sa iba except sa akin, at buong gabi yatang gising, 11pm na nakatulog. kaya ang resulta, wala akong nagawang pagsusulat where the youth show was concerned. kaya eto, deadline ko ngayon, selfimposed at committed to the ep by 7pm pass your papers, pero taena, malayu-layo pa ko. marami pang aayusin.

maaga kaming umalis ng marikina ng baby ko kanina para madevote ko ang araw na to sa pagsusulat. kaso umandar ang murphy's law. sa atm machine pila, maraming tumagal na nasa harpan ko dahil nagkamali sa pagpindot. kulang kulang 45 mins yata akong nakapila doon. dahil tuesday ng umaga ang hirap makakuha ng taxi na maghahatid sa amin pauwi sa malabon, isang oras yata kaming nag-abang. by the time we got home, it was a little before lunch.

so keri lang, tinrabaho ko na asap ang script. kaso nahilo naman ako for some reason. akala ko nga aneu na. ang daming tawag ni mother nature. kinailangan pang iidlip ang pagkahilo. kaya 3pm na ko nakapag-resume. at tumawag ang ep ng isa pang project, may pinaparush na short script na itetape nila bukas. kaya siningit ko pa.

so ngayon, past 5 na, marami-marami pa, malayu-layo pa. taena. sawang-sawa na kong malate. sawang-sawa na kong magbreak ng promises sa mga PA at EP. kelangang isubmit ito ng alas-7 tonight. I HATE TO, DEMMET. kebs na kung di as best as i can. basta matino at maayos-ayos naman, pwede nang isubmit. di na nga ako dapat nagbablog.

pero i just have to say this. pag bumabalik ako sa marikina, nadidisorient ako. nakikita ko ang discrepancy sa living conditions doon at sa current living conditions ko ngayon. para kong fish out of water na hindi. pero kagabi uncomfortable ako sa marikina, di na ako sanay. marami akong nakikitang mali-ang gulo-gulo dito, andumi-dumi doon, dapat ganito, dapat ganon, sa malabon hindi papayag ang byenan ko na ganito, etc. syempre unfair dahil homemaker ang byenan ko by nature at ang mga magulang ko sa marikina, matanda na para masterin ang homemaking art. pero uncomfy ako. weird, considering na i've lived there my whole life before audrey christi came along.

tapos pag-alis ako don at nandito na uli ako, bigla naman akong nahomesick. para akong na-uproot uli. bigla kong namiss ang bahay na kinalakihan ko. ang suburbia na kinilala kong home for 30 years. di ko maintindihan sarili ko. di ko rin naman masabi sa sarili kong "i belong here now", dahil ang totoo nakikitira rin lang kami sa isang magarang bahay ng kapatid ng mister ko. libre ang kuryente, aircon all day all night, pero bottomline is, it's not ours. and we don't have our own home yet.

so i'm kinda...rootless. floating. ewan. ang hirap magswitch between worlds. pero mahal ko ang pamilya ko sa marikina, love them more than my life. kung sobrang yaman lang ako, bibilhin ko lahat ng nakikita kong kelangan ng bahay namin don, lahat ng gusto ng pamilya ko, lahat ng makakapagpaginhawa sa buhay nila. at endless ang magiging listahan. pero one item at a time muna. pag naka-quota ako sa isang personal goal, ibibili ko sila ng sarili nilang computer.

okay back to work beeyatch. dami mo nang sinayang na oras kakarant about nonsensical thingies. wish ko lang, sana payamanin ako ng youth show na 'to. sana bumaha ang pera at career opportunities and fulfilling moments, dahil handa akong magtrabaho na parang kalabaw kapalit nun.

ang masrap din pag kami lang ng anak ko sa marikina, super close kami. as in, closer than ever. dahil wala syang yaya at ako lang ang pamilyar sa kanya. kaya super attached sya sa akin. sobrang mahal ko ang anak ko. sobra sobra sobra. sana mapalaki namin siya nang tama at matino.

taboo things to laugh about on a rainy night

i know it's impossible, i know it's ludicrous, i know it's forbidden, i know there's no way it's gonna ever happen and there's no way i should ever let it happen for a multitude of very weighty reasons.

but still. it makes me laugh. i giggle inside, like a schoolgirl. :-D

frustrated on a stormy night.

bite the bullet. it's not in your hands so just be a leaf in the wind. let it take you wherever it wants you to go.

tons to do. may deadline tonight. but i'm here. frustrated with how things are going. frustrated that i'm supposed to be home working on meeting that deadline. frustrated that i'm being made to swallow a somekinda bitter pill...in front of a firing squad, later this week.

tired. don't get me wrong, lord, i'm grateful. frustration and bitter pills are part of the job, and i accept that. nagbubuga lang po ng kaunti. pero tulog at kaunting libreng oras lang ang katapat nito, okay na ko. happy na uli at mahaba na naman ang pisi.

how i wish i were home. with my husband, and our baby. i wish she were in my arms, her round chubby face pressed against mine. i miss kissing those round chubby cheeks, seeing that happy-baby smile, pinching those round chubby thighs. i miss carrying her and holding her til she falls asleep. i miss her, even if i was only with her this afternoon.

gusto kong gumawa ng sulat sa kanya. a letter to 17-year-old aysie, just to let her know how happy it makes me feel to be her mother. hearing her say "mamamama" for the first time, seeing her finally learning to crawl, waking up in the morning to see her awake and staring at my sleeping face, hearing her newly-acquired gurgly laugh. how happy it makes me to see her smiling at a new toy i bought for her, to see her looking at me and opening up her fat little arms to let me know that she wants to be in my arms. i want her to know all these things, how being her mother has become a source of pride and joy, right now when she's only 9 months old. dahil alam kong when she grows up and gets to be 17, malaki ang posibilidad na malagay sya sa twilight zone that most teenagers go through. para kung sakaling dumaan sya sa "I-hate-my-mom" stage, ma-remind siya kung gaano ko siya kamahal simula pa nung baby siya.

each time i see a newborn, para kong binabalik sa panahon na newborn pa si aysie at sobrang liit pa nya. may heart-tug akong nararamdaman, filled with memories of those days na bago pa lang sa mundo ang anak ko at nangangapa pa ko bilang ina. those were difficult times then, pero looking back, minsan yung mga "difficult" times, they make the best memories.

12:10 am. gusto ko nang umuwi. may deadline has defeated me. and tomorrow is another day. HAY. tulog at konting free time lang katapat nito.

things to do when the things to do are done

1. take our baby to her monthly checkup.
2. wax an entire forestry off me.
3. buy a memory card.
4. finish the last 2 seasons of lost.
5. get a hot oil.
6. get a pedicure.
7. buy a new laptop sleeve.
8. go home to marikina for an overnight vacation with aysiebear.

surreal lang...

...na nakasalubong ko sya sa starbucks kanina. ang ultimate crush ko during my office girl days. at kung dati ni hindi ko sya mabati-bati nang magiliw tuwing nagkakasalubong kami noon, ngayon buong ningning ko syang tinawag. at ang sagot nya sa kin? "PAUTANG!"

haha. and worthy of note rin ang little trivia na nangyari ang lahat ng ito sa harap ng aking mister. with nary a trace of jealousy, of course (though it would've been more flattering if there were), at dinaan pa kamo sa biro. "sana pinag-fliptop mo". DUH. men don't get it. we LIKE IT when you're jealous paminsan-minsan.

ayokong markahan ang araw na 'to na 'happy' dahil natatakot ako na baka buweltahan ako ng destiny sa mga susunod na araw. ayokong maging masyadong happy dahil nadala na ako sa kasabihang "happiness overflows into an ocean of tears". so sasabihin ko na lang na surreal ang araw na ito--not primarily because i bumped into the ex-crush---dahil for the first time ever, nagkaroon ako ng interactive, reactive audience among the bosses to whom i presented a concept. little joys, little personal victories na sa akin lang naman importante, pero ang sarap pala ng feeling. na tumatawa sila, tumatango sila, napapa-AAAH sila, na parang nasasakyan nila ang wavelength na binabaybay ko. and it's proof that they're ACTUALLY bothering to listen to the concept. haha.

i've always hated pitching pero ito yata ang isa sa mga rare moments na i actually love pitching. feeling ko kasi i suck at it, but it's part of the job, so i have to hack it. pero basta, little bright spot yun sa araw ko.

anyhoo, lord salamat po. sana po kung gaano kasaya ang araw ko today, ganoon din kasaya bukas. dahil feedback meeting ng council for the youth show. sana naman wag major revisions. sana minor lang. sana madali lang. para makapag-tape na sila. at makasweldo na kami. at makamove on na ko to week2 script.

syet, gusto kong paspasing ang pagpaparenew ng passport ko. dahil gusto kong mag-abroad next month! i will it, i will it! maga-abroad ako next month or sa july! at magiging libre ang pamasahe at accommodations ko! at magagawan ng paraan na mapaspas ang renewal process ng passport ko!

thank you lord for this day! sana happy day din tomorrow and the coming days na magrerevise ako!!!

working alone

sabi ni ms. miller, this month mas magiging mabuti para sa akin if i work alone. kaya siguro maganda na ngang mag-isa lang akong nagrerevise.

third draft na. pilot. daming requirements. tuesdays with morrie. growing pains. parents-child. bukas ng gabi ang deadline. kaya to. kakayanin to, with god's help.

lord,sana maarok ng utak ko. sana magawa kong ilagay lahat and meet their expectations at the very least. sana makaya ko, sana makaya ko. gusto kong kayanin dahil naniniwala ako sa project.

lord, please help me do this. enlighten me lord. give me fuel, too. endless fuel. or at least, a full tank til monday.