right now, i long for these.
1. visit Japan.
2. have our own car. brand-new. paid for in cash.
3. have our own house and lot. na malapit sa bahay ng byenan ko. o malapit sa bahay namin sa Marikina.
4. have our own apartment complex.
5. visit Italy.
6. visit France again.
7. visit Greece.
8. visit Spain.
9. travel all over frickin beautiful EUROPE.
10. EXPERIENCE the Caribbean
11. go on a luxury cruise.
12. go to the US-- NY, LA, SF, and mooore.
13. have our own self-sustaining business. enough para masustentuhan ang family needs, enough para makapagretire ako nang maaga.
14. be rich enough to retire early- around 45 years old. (becayse i want to live long)
15. multi-millions (more than 20 million) in my list of liquid assets (PLEASE, I WANT.)
16. to be rich enough to not worry about old age anymore.
17. to be rich enough to give my parents and my family everything they want and need.
18. land investments.
19. or any profitable passive investment for that matter.
20. our own beautiful house. with a spacious yard for dogs and greens. with 4 rooms. 2 storeys high. not too big, no too small. my own private space where i can work, write, think. a space away from everyone else. i need my space. where i have a desk. i have a window to look out through. internet connection. peace and quiet.
21. to be wealthy. meaning, financially free. meaning, kahit hindi akomagtrabaho for the rest of my life, may income pa rin. may pera pa rin.
ang daming labada. at ito nangangarap ako. gawan mo kaya ng paraan ang mga pangarap mo. magtrabaho ka. may next project na. may raket na isang episode. dagdag din para sa pasko. aside from the christmas bonus. salamat po, lord, sa bagong show. salamat po sa mga prospects in the future.
magshushoot sila sa US at naiinggit ako. kasi kasama ang immediate superior ko, ako hindi. :-( kaya napasama sa list of longings ko ang US. yan ang hirap sa mga karpintero. haha. pero okay lang. kasi at least hindi ako ang humaharap sa mga bossing.
ako ang taong walang ambisyon masyado. bukod sa pera. maraming pera. comfort at kalayaan sa buhay. ironically kailangan mong maging ambitious para makakuha ng pera. ayoko ng responsibilidad na ganun. hindi ko maimagine ang sarili ko sa posisyon ng immediate superior ko. i don't have the personality for that. as karpinero, i'm only responsible for myself and my work. pero yung responsable ka para sa isang team, di ko yun feel. i'm not that kind of person.
i don't see myself as a headwriter, lalo na magcreative manager. but directing someday, mas nakikita ko pa. maraming bigas ang kakainin, maraming oras araw at gabi angbubunuin para aralin ang pagdidirek sa tv. pero mas nakikita ko ang sarili ko doon kesa sa ibang posisyon na ordinary trajectotry ng mga nasa posisyon ko ngayon. kaya nga lang, the question is kaya ko ba. the question is, may magtitiwala ba.
and the question is, kaya ko bang magsakripisyo at this point to chase that path. kung sakaling makarating ako doon, malaking pera. bakamacheck ko ang 75% sa list of longings ko. pero marami ding responsibilities. maraming igigiveup. like time for my daughter. time for my husband. ayoko kako maging responsible for other people other thanmyself. pero pag direktor ka you're responsible for an entire crew. ano ba talaga, ate?
ilang beses ko na yang naproseso sa sarili ko. half-baked about it. kasi wala namang kasiguruhan ang lahat. i'm in a good place right now, with people who have been very good to me. my daughter is 5 years old and needs a mother. if i want money, for now, i'll stick to what i'm doing. saka na natin pag-usapan ang balang-araw.
for now,finish the TTDs. and save, save, save as much as you can while striking a healthy work-life / happiness/frugality balance.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
wish
here in marikina. supposedly have to finish a one episode script.
but i'm 13 sequences away, and the boss from the other project just texted about a 1 pm meeting tomorrow. there's a treatment to finish before that 1 pm meeting. and i stopped at day 2 to begin this one-episode script.
hay. i am so FRICKIN. BAD. AT DEADLINES.
i hear christmas carols on the AM radio. ayokong magpasko nang may iniisip na deadline. like a lot of us, gusto ko nang tapusin ito.
pero sayang kung di isisingit yung isa.
okay, ngayon, tapusin na ito.
everything just feels 100 percent better kapag naeexperience mo nang walang iniisip na deadline.
but thank you Lord. for everything.
wish ko lang po, a 2-week vacation. staycation actually. basta wala pong deadline within those 2 weeks. :-) happy birtday in advance lord! praise you lord!
but i'm 13 sequences away, and the boss from the other project just texted about a 1 pm meeting tomorrow. there's a treatment to finish before that 1 pm meeting. and i stopped at day 2 to begin this one-episode script.
hay. i am so FRICKIN. BAD. AT DEADLINES.
i hear christmas carols on the AM radio. ayokong magpasko nang may iniisip na deadline. like a lot of us, gusto ko nang tapusin ito.
pero sayang kung di isisingit yung isa.
okay, ngayon, tapusin na ito.
everything just feels 100 percent better kapag naeexperience mo nang walang iniisip na deadline.
but thank you Lord. for everything.
wish ko lang po, a 2-week vacation. staycation actually. basta wala pong deadline within those 2 weeks. :-) happy birtday in advance lord! praise you lord!
Monday, November 16, 2015
a rare night-off
yung totoo? at this point, week 14 in, more than 14 weeks airing, medyo nauumay na ako sa mukha nilang dalawa. medyo lang.
kaya yung mga fan IGs na finafollow ko, isa dun inunfollow ko na. kahit pala maganda't guwapo, pag laging nasa mukha mo, nakakaumay din.
matagal na akong detached. for emotional preservation, maybe.
i only worry about deadlines now. ironically, that's the issue with me.
GASH! i absolutely can't wait for week 20! week 20...SENT! yehew!!
we have til december 10 to finish 4 script weeks at least. at the rate we're going? hmm. possible naman siguro. sana. please.
i should really worry about deadlines now. if caring too much bogs me down and slows me down and makes me break promises 10x in a week, then F#$K it, stop caring too much. what's important is you get it frickin done on time, cause delays might cost 'em money.
WOOHOO! LET'S GO GET 'EM TIGER!
kaya yung mga fan IGs na finafollow ko, isa dun inunfollow ko na. kahit pala maganda't guwapo, pag laging nasa mukha mo, nakakaumay din.
matagal na akong detached. for emotional preservation, maybe.
i only worry about deadlines now. ironically, that's the issue with me.
GASH! i absolutely can't wait for week 20! week 20...SENT! yehew!!
we have til december 10 to finish 4 script weeks at least. at the rate we're going? hmm. possible naman siguro. sana. please.
i should really worry about deadlines now. if caring too much bogs me down and slows me down and makes me break promises 10x in a week, then F#$K it, stop caring too much. what's important is you get it frickin done on time, cause delays might cost 'em money.
WOOHOO! LET'S GO GET 'EM TIGER!
Sunday, November 15, 2015
love, real-life version
2006 was when this happened. one of my best years ever, the year i met my husband.
i wrote this days after a friendly date that we had. it wasn't our first date, but it was the first one that was undeniably "pleasant"-- meaning, my guard was down, and i was just enjoying the company of this person, as a friend for that moment.
the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha.
but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah.
panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay.
ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.
ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha.
masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved.
that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.
i wrote this days after a friendly date that we had. it wasn't our first date, but it was the first one that was undeniably "pleasant"-- meaning, my guard was down, and i was just enjoying the company of this person, as a friend for that moment.
the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha.
but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah.
panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay.
ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.
ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha.
masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved.
that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.
Dahil sa
kakapanood ng regal movies nina sharon-gabby / snooky-richard /
marical-william, I’d always thought that falling in love would be like being
struck by an arrow. Or hit by lightning. You meet a person, and you’d just
KNOW. Isa yun sa pamantayan ko, sa mga
lumalapit at nagpaparamdam noon—dapat, may fireworks. Dapat may spark.
Pero sa
totoong buhay pala, kadalasan, walang one distinct moment wherein masasabi mo
na nainlove ka sa isang tao. Madalas, walang memorable earth-shaking first
encounter, walang sweep-me-off-my-feet
kind of feels.
Love just…happens. Gradually.
Naturally. It grows on you. Because you choose to let it. You let you guard
down, you trust, you choose to see the guy for the person that he is, not for
the person that you want him to be, or the role you want him to play in your
life.
But then,
it was hard not to assess someone who’s wooing you for the role of Prince
Charming—nago-audition sya e. Haha. When I met my husband, he wasn’t my
ideal. Kung magpapaka-idealistic ako, he
wasn’t the type of guy that I would normally want.
But I think God too care of
me there. He gave me the kind of man that I need. Given the
person that I am. The fragile, fearful heart that I was. He gave me a man, who sticks to his promises and honors his vows. A man who is secure enough with himself not to seek affirmation outside of our union, A man who is a lot like me--in values, in his upbringing, in habits and principles. But is a different version of me. A man who is so patient and stable, he was able to ground and stabilize a volatile beeyatch like me. Thank God for giving me an open mind, the first time that we met, the first time he asked me out on a date. If I had said no and turned him down, I would've passed on the chance of a lifetime-- getting to know someone who could become my true love.
Bata pa lang ako, my mother would voice out
her dreams for me—that my first boyfriend would become my husband, that I’d settle
down with a wonderful husband at age 23 and have kids para maabutan nya mga apo
nya sa akin, etc. Well, hindi natupad yung “settle down at 23” part, all except for that one. Sa totoo lang, my
husband was my mother’s answered prayer. Ang lakas mo talaga kay God, Ma.
Monday, November 09, 2015
sa mundo ng mga bagets
looking at the crowded club you'd think the birthday boy was a millennial. the place was so hip, so cool, so...young.
and there we were, lounging at the balcony, hindi matanggal ang mga pwet sa kinauupuan. minsan ayoko ring makasama ang mga wallflowers. minsan gusto ko ring saniban ng partygirl. pero kulang yung nainom kong beer at may deadline looming ahead (i shouldn't even be here, dammit) at feeling ko magiging sore thumb ako sa gitna ng beautiful famous and glamorous crowd. chubby manang little me.
mabuti na lang, marami kaming ganon. alam mo talaga kung writer ang isang tao. nasa isang tabi lang sila. mabibilang ko sa isang kamay ang mga writers na kilala kong bumabangka sa dance floor o sumosocial butterfly. at least maganda ang view sa balcony, perfect for star-gazing down below. they can't see us, but we can see them. all of them.
parang ang ominous nun ah. hahaha.
masarap sanang magparty kung walang iniisip.
just frickin do it.
and there we were, lounging at the balcony, hindi matanggal ang mga pwet sa kinauupuan. minsan ayoko ring makasama ang mga wallflowers. minsan gusto ko ring saniban ng partygirl. pero kulang yung nainom kong beer at may deadline looming ahead (i shouldn't even be here, dammit) at feeling ko magiging sore thumb ako sa gitna ng beautiful famous and glamorous crowd. chubby manang little me.
mabuti na lang, marami kaming ganon. alam mo talaga kung writer ang isang tao. nasa isang tabi lang sila. mabibilang ko sa isang kamay ang mga writers na kilala kong bumabangka sa dance floor o sumosocial butterfly. at least maganda ang view sa balcony, perfect for star-gazing down below. they can't see us, but we can see them. all of them.
parang ang ominous nun ah. hahaha.
masarap sanang magparty kung walang iniisip.
just frickin do it.
Sunday, November 08, 2015
me vs faney
ayan, may kumagat na.
naturally a happy and bubbly girl? REALLY? have you met her? do you know her?
i have met her. i have heard feedback about her. and tell you-- don't believe the things you watch on TV. lahat yan, ilusyon. lahat yan, may ibinebenta sa inyo.
burst, burst bubble pa more.
naturally a happy and bubbly girl? REALLY? have you met her? do you know her?
i have met her. i have heard feedback about her. and tell you-- don't believe the things you watch on TV. lahat yan, ilusyon. lahat yan, may ibinebenta sa inyo.
burst, burst bubble pa more.
wala, gusto ko lang mambasag trip
dahil nakakafrustrate na kayo.
so i burst your bubble. i tell you insider speculation in the guise of "personal opinion". and you say "no, no" you get all defensive dahil gusto nyong iperpetuate yang delusions nyo na may gusto sila sa isa't isa. well guess WHAT. been there, done that. and i only got myself heartbroken.
NO. he doesn't like her. he just skanked her. once, twice maybe. that explains their being all-too-comfortable with each other.
NO. he's not "holding back". he's just the way he is. don't frickin over READ, beeyatches. in an ordinary time, i would have said walang basagan ng trip, pero ngayong may DL ako at nabubwisit ako sa mga taong mas assuming pa kay NL pagdating kay JR, ang sarap lang mangprovoke ng fan bwisit. sige, mabwisit kayo. mabwisit kayo nang mabwisit. (evil maniacal laugh)
good morning!
so i burst your bubble. i tell you insider speculation in the guise of "personal opinion". and you say "no, no" you get all defensive dahil gusto nyong iperpetuate yang delusions nyo na may gusto sila sa isa't isa. well guess WHAT. been there, done that. and i only got myself heartbroken.
NO. he doesn't like her. he just skanked her. once, twice maybe. that explains their being all-too-comfortable with each other.
NO. he's not "holding back". he's just the way he is. don't frickin over READ, beeyatches. in an ordinary time, i would have said walang basagan ng trip, pero ngayong may DL ako at nabubwisit ako sa mga taong mas assuming pa kay NL pagdating kay JR, ang sarap lang mangprovoke ng fan bwisit. sige, mabwisit kayo. mabwisit kayo nang mabwisit. (evil maniacal laugh)
good morning!
Saturday, November 07, 2015
chronic writer's block
how to frickin deal with it?
13 weeks na. pero hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong fixed ritual. walang fixed habit. the hardest part is getting myself in the frickin Zone. it takes so much, so long, so hard to just get there.
so what am i doing now? writing on frickin blog! procrastinasty bitch.
SMH. at you, beeyatch. you don't know the first thing about responsibility.
not too late to create a habit. have to do that. if i am going to beat deadlines til february.
DAIG NG MABILIS ANG MAGANDA so WORK IT!
13 weeks na. pero hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong fixed ritual. walang fixed habit. the hardest part is getting myself in the frickin Zone. it takes so much, so long, so hard to just get there.
so what am i doing now? writing on frickin blog! procrastinasty bitch.
SMH. at you, beeyatch. you don't know the first thing about responsibility.
not too late to create a habit. have to do that. if i am going to beat deadlines til february.
DAIG NG MABILIS ANG MAGANDA so WORK IT!
baul diaries: on a trip down the web...
wrote this on june 7, 2009.
...surfing, i was thinking of these.
i feel bad. i had been irresponsible yesterday. i should've started my homework yesterday. para sana, hindi ako umabot sa "finish-or-not-finish" mode today.
na ang kumplikado, kasi feeling ko hindi naman kailangan ng ganong mode. pwede mo namang akuin ang tying-up-the-loose-ends part. ang tanong, gusto mo ba ng extrang trabaho. at tama ba na ikaw, gayong toddler ka pa lang sa lagay na yan,kung iisipin. at appropriate ba, gayong wala ka naman sa posisyon para magpa"biba". kaya nagtatanong ka rin sa ibang tao kung bakit gayong hands full na pala sila pero they still insist on taking the extra work in their hands. hindi ko maintindihan fully, pero i suppose may point naman. dahil honestly, eto lang, and i'm saying this to myself: kung yung sa yo lang, hindi pa umabot sa deadline, paano pa kaya kung gagawin mo yung sa yo at sa iba.
of course it's not the way to go. of course i-have-to-win-me would've risen up to the challenge. she would've started the work early. and if she had been late, she would've volunteered to finish up the job para di makaabala sa iba. keber na kung anong sasabihin ng iba. it would've been the right thing to do for i-have-to-win beeyatch.
dati sinasabi ko na hindi ko gusto yung mode kong ganon noon, pero minsan naiisip ko na may mga advantages din sya. for one, hindi sya magbubulakbol. kaya lahat ng gagawin nya, pagbubutihin nya, at para masiguradong makakarir nya, sisimulan nya nang maaga. (because she-has-to-win) secondly, hindi sya matatakot o tatamarin sa pag-ako ng responsibility. because she sees it as a challenge, and she-has-to-win over any kind of challenge. come to think of it, yung mga i-have-to-win, usually mas malaki ang chances nilang magsucceed sa life. kasi para sa kanila, dapat laging excellent ang grade. kaya mas pinupush nila ang sarili nila. mas may drive sila. mas mataas ang level of frustration, pero kung tamad ka naman, mafufrustrate ka din e. pati ibang tao, mafu-frustrate din sa yo. siguro nakakairita ang mga i-have-to-win sa ibang tao, but then again, all good things have a bad side to them. all good things, excluding god. na hindi rin naman "thing", on second thought.
dear god. light my fire. don't let me go too lax on myself. don't let me fall on that kind of a dark side.
hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang mag-i-have-to-win mode ngayon, pagkatapos ng isang event last year. kasi, after that, parang ikinahiya ko talaga ang pagiging ganun ko. feeling ko doon nag-ugat ang lahat. naging instrumento ako ng demonyo, dahil doon. what could've been a strength had become a weakness, and the devil had preyed on it. when i only wanted to do excellent work. siguro nga, maybe i wanted it too much.
maling combination of character traits na rin, dahil ako ay isang one-track-mind by nature. may pagka-insensitive pa. isama mo ang dalawang yon with a healthy dose of i-have-to-win gutom, talagang high-risk nga siguro. owel. kung na-burn ako, sumobra naman yata ang pagka-opposite extreme ko. i should find the middle ground. yung tamang moderation lang.
...surfing, i was thinking of these.
i feel bad. i had been irresponsible yesterday. i should've started my homework yesterday. para sana, hindi ako umabot sa "finish-or-not-finish" mode today.
na ang kumplikado, kasi feeling ko hindi naman kailangan ng ganong mode. pwede mo namang akuin ang tying-up-the-loose-ends part. ang tanong, gusto mo ba ng extrang trabaho. at tama ba na ikaw, gayong toddler ka pa lang sa lagay na yan,kung iisipin. at appropriate ba, gayong wala ka naman sa posisyon para magpa"biba". kaya nagtatanong ka rin sa ibang tao kung bakit gayong hands full na pala sila pero they still insist on taking the extra work in their hands. hindi ko maintindihan fully, pero i suppose may point naman. dahil honestly, eto lang, and i'm saying this to myself: kung yung sa yo lang, hindi pa umabot sa deadline, paano pa kaya kung gagawin mo yung sa yo at sa iba.
of course it's not the way to go. of course i-have-to-win-me would've risen up to the challenge. she would've started the work early. and if she had been late, she would've volunteered to finish up the job para di makaabala sa iba. keber na kung anong sasabihin ng iba. it would've been the right thing to do for i-have-to-win beeyatch.
dati sinasabi ko na hindi ko gusto yung mode kong ganon noon, pero minsan naiisip ko na may mga advantages din sya. for one, hindi sya magbubulakbol. kaya lahat ng gagawin nya, pagbubutihin nya, at para masiguradong makakarir nya, sisimulan nya nang maaga. (because she-has-to-win) secondly, hindi sya matatakot o tatamarin sa pag-ako ng responsibility. because she sees it as a challenge, and she-has-to-win over any kind of challenge. come to think of it, yung mga i-have-to-win, usually mas malaki ang chances nilang magsucceed sa life. kasi para sa kanila, dapat laging excellent ang grade. kaya mas pinupush nila ang sarili nila. mas may drive sila. mas mataas ang level of frustration, pero kung tamad ka naman, mafufrustrate ka din e. pati ibang tao, mafu-frustrate din sa yo. siguro nakakairita ang mga i-have-to-win sa ibang tao, but then again, all good things have a bad side to them. all good things, excluding god. na hindi rin naman "thing", on second thought.
dear god. light my fire. don't let me go too lax on myself. don't let me fall on that kind of a dark side.
hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang mag-i-have-to-win mode ngayon, pagkatapos ng isang event last year. kasi, after that, parang ikinahiya ko talaga ang pagiging ganun ko. feeling ko doon nag-ugat ang lahat. naging instrumento ako ng demonyo, dahil doon. what could've been a strength had become a weakness, and the devil had preyed on it. when i only wanted to do excellent work. siguro nga, maybe i wanted it too much.
maling combination of character traits na rin, dahil ako ay isang one-track-mind by nature. may pagka-insensitive pa. isama mo ang dalawang yon with a healthy dose of i-have-to-win gutom, talagang high-risk nga siguro. owel. kung na-burn ako, sumobra naman yata ang pagka-opposite extreme ko. i should find the middle ground. yung tamang moderation lang.
baul diaries: time capsule #002
aww, this made me smile. when just a few days ago i had written about happy memories that are worth keeping. in my case, hubby had been time capsule #002. :-)
wrote this on october 11, 2006:
tonight i got a msg from an unidentified number. the phone doesn't have the name in its memory but i have it in mine. unfortunately.
the same old dead-of-night pambubulabog. aha. and you're at it again. don't tell me somebody turned you down and you needed some ego-balm of a sort. ehe. sorry.
* *
and now the message came. same old corny "nytz" (at with a "Z" talaga! haha). ngayon hindi ko na kelangang isipin kung me nasabi ba kong mali sa huling msg ko sa kanya. anubayun, nakakatawa talaga. cause normally i wouldn't care. i guess today had a li'l somethin to do with it.
i wonder what "today" was?
baul diaries: i hate it
when i speak before i think.
or in one case, text before i think.
i'm volatile.
bumubulusok a la blood pressure, pero lalamig din agad.
minsan ang hirap hindi maglabas ng steam pag galit ka.
masakit sa dibdib.
kaya, sorry.
mali ako.
lagi naman e.
and i say that with all humility, no bitterness.
sana, lagi akong magiging mali.
dahil mas magiging masakit kung magiging tama ako.
but i know.
i will never be right. my anger will always be unjustified.
that's just the way it is.
it comes with the whole jackpot package.
and i love it.
love it to the hilt.
wrote this in 2008. aka selosa diaries. lol!
or in one case, text before i think.
i'm volatile.
bumubulusok a la blood pressure, pero lalamig din agad.
minsan ang hirap hindi maglabas ng steam pag galit ka.
masakit sa dibdib.
kaya, sorry.
mali ako.
lagi naman e.
and i say that with all humility, no bitterness.
sana, lagi akong magiging mali.
dahil mas magiging masakit kung magiging tama ako.
but i know.
i will never be right. my anger will always be unjustified.
that's just the way it is.
it comes with the whole jackpot package.
and i love it.
love it to the hilt.
wrote this in 2008. aka selosa diaries. lol!
baul diaries: SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
another unpublished entry from the "baul": a love letter (i was ranting, yes, but underneath that, it was actually a love letter) to my then-fiance, now-husband.
i'm supposed to pretend na OFW ka. i'm supposed to make FRIGGIN DEADMA. and then you text making paawa. nahihirapan ka, etcetera. ako naman si gaga, naawa naman. hindi nga kita dapat kinakausap e! dahil HOY, nagtatampo pa ko sa yo! pero kawawa ka naman kaya ayan, kahit two curt words with a period binigay ko na. para naman wala ka ring maging rason para magtampo sa akin.
ngayon ano na naman? gusto ko nang magmura ah! tangina! number two commandment sa akin, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang goodnight! at ang number one commandment, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang monthsarys!
AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, i hate your job. i've hated it even when it was still my job.
i was many months pregnant, extra clingy (hormones, maybe?), controlled by my hormones, longing for extra attention. sakto naman, naging busy sya nang sobra dahil sa bagong posisyon sa trabaho. my mind understood, but my heart---OH, my heart!---was rebelling. throwing tantrums all over the place. i was bratty, but really, all i wanted then was him by my side. being a father to our unborn child.
romantic pakinggan (blech), pero alam ko, mali. dapat naiintindihan, dahil nagdaan din ako sa trabahong yon. at nagtatrabaho sya noon, para sa baby namin. lesson learned, on retrospect: hinding hindi dapat nireresent ang trabaho ng bf/jowa/husband mo. blessing yan. at ginagawa nya rin naman yan para sa inyo.
pero natatawa ako sa sarili ko dito. ang petty lang, the preggy me of 5 years ago. or maybe hanggang ngayon ganyan pa rin ako. HAHA
i'm supposed to pretend na OFW ka. i'm supposed to make FRIGGIN DEADMA. and then you text making paawa. nahihirapan ka, etcetera. ako naman si gaga, naawa naman. hindi nga kita dapat kinakausap e! dahil HOY, nagtatampo pa ko sa yo! pero kawawa ka naman kaya ayan, kahit two curt words with a period binigay ko na. para naman wala ka ring maging rason para magtampo sa akin.
ngayon ano na naman? gusto ko nang magmura ah! tangina! number two commandment sa akin, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang goodnight! at ang number one commandment, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang monthsarys!
AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, i hate your job. i've hated it even when it was still my job.
i was many months pregnant, extra clingy (hormones, maybe?), controlled by my hormones, longing for extra attention. sakto naman, naging busy sya nang sobra dahil sa bagong posisyon sa trabaho. my mind understood, but my heart---OH, my heart!---was rebelling. throwing tantrums all over the place. i was bratty, but really, all i wanted then was him by my side. being a father to our unborn child.
romantic pakinggan (blech), pero alam ko, mali. dapat naiintindihan, dahil nagdaan din ako sa trabahong yon. at nagtatrabaho sya noon, para sa baby namin. lesson learned, on retrospect: hinding hindi dapat nireresent ang trabaho ng bf/jowa/husband mo. blessing yan. at ginagawa nya rin naman yan para sa inyo.
pero natatawa ako sa sarili ko dito. ang petty lang, the preggy me of 5 years ago. or maybe hanggang ngayon ganyan pa rin ako. HAHA
memories of my tita baby
Nahalungkat ko sa drafts inbox ko, an entry written 5 years ago. I have no idea why i didn't publish this. Pero reading this, nalungkot na naman ako. may kirot na naman, over losing an aunt who was somehow dear to me. during the last five years of her life i could say we hadn't been as close as before. pero ewan ko. i guess her death had been so unexpected, hanggang ngayon di pa rin mawala yung sakit.
last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.
so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.
during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.
when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.
hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.
now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love.
last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.
so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.
during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.
when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.
hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.
now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love.
Thursday, November 05, 2015
never trust a faney
kahit gaano pa katalino o kaedukado. a faney's opinion will often be influenced by their emotions.
ang naive ko lang talaga siguro, to believe that you actually share the same universal (at least, in this little universe that we have) standards of what is somehow good. pero hindi, biased talaga kayo.
lagyan mo lang ng kilig. make C utter sweet nothings. slather on the cheese and the honey all over, it doesn't matter if it's boring or not. they will always say OMG, best episode ever.
it's the kilig they're after, not the aesthetics. so fuck it, give it to them. shove it up their arses. para everyday, "best episode ever".
ako na mismo, sumasakit na ang ngipin ko sa mga pinagsasasabi ni C. at ako na to ha, na faney din somehow ni C. close to diri factor na (okay, exagg) sa pagiging cheesy ni boy pero taena, nginig na nginig naman sila. bentang benta. best...episode...ever,
sana lahat kayo may mga box ano? para laging best ratings ever.
ako na mismo, sumasakit na ang ngipin ko sa mga pinagsasasabi ni C. at ako na to ha, na faney din somehow ni C. close to diri factor na (okay, exagg) sa pagiging cheesy ni boy pero taena, nginig na nginig naman sila. bentang benta. best...episode...ever,
sana lahat kayo may mga box ano? para laging best ratings ever.
di naman ako halatang inis ano?
para lang kasi akong L na nagtiwala sa nanay nya. only to realize that shit. i've been believing in a frickin pile of shit all along. no, hindi sila level headed peeps. they can try to rationalize why they're inis all they want, but the truth is, all they really want is the kilig. which is kind of an annoying fact, for someone who wants to tell a good story
naive, naive, infantile me. you faneys, might be the death of me.
Sunday, November 01, 2015
there's something about memories
sa sinusulat namin ngayon, may kaunting homage akong gustong gawin sa moments na lumilipas na worth i-immortalizing, lest you forget them and lose them forever. i used to call them my time capsules 10 years ago (time capsule #2 back then were memories i had of my then-suitor, now-husband). sa kwento namin ngayon, L calls them H@ppy M3m0ries.
naghalungkat ako sa archives and i realized i'd been keeping happy memory items since 10 or 11 years ago.
2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!
2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.
let me continue that.
2007. hmm. what? oh, yeah. MD@FI. the smell of the place. the cream walls. the lectures in that little room, the headaches that came after. and of course, the carpool gang. the laughter. the tears (oh, they did come, in the end). sa lahat ng yon, ang pinakatumatak for me were the carpool friendships. para kaming mga college kids. i was so happy then, i should've known, may equivalent na lungkot yun later.
2008. that movie. that compound. day in, day out. night in, night out. "hell" was the only word that would come to mind. i hated everything about that shoot. everything. i was literally smoking two packs of cigs a day. kung kaya lang lumuha ng dugo dahil sa dusa at sama ng loob, i would've bled to death. i hated that memory, and yet it was the most vivid memory of 2008.
but was it? nah. the most vivid memory was the Interrogation. but i think that happened on dec 27 or 28. so technically, that was 2007. ironically, it didn't register in me much. siguro kasi, sobrang sakit nya parang kinalimutan ko na lang yung detalye. i couldn't dwell on the memory, baka mabaliw ako. haha.
christmas 2008 was memorable, too. the Christmas of the Broke and Broken. iisang tao lang yun, ako. walang pera, basag ang mga pangarap, not knowing what the future would bring. but love had been there, love had made everything so much easier to bear. kaya nga hindi kita masyadong masakyan Leyang Maarte. kahit ako pa ang tumipa sa mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo. NABUBWISIT PA RIN AKO SA YO.
i would NEVER punish my osobear for the things that other people did to me. at least, not consciously. and not immediately.
pero hanggat walang sinasabi ang mga diyos. deadma sa lahat.
2009. katorse. aww. our afternoons in tierra bella, at our headwriter's house. a new career was born for me.
2010. giving birth. the way she looked when she first came out, 5 seconds old. i can still remember how long she'd been (around 11 inches?) and her torso was yellow brown. my beautiful daughter. the love of my life, a gift from the man that i love.
the civil wedding, ironically, didn't make a big mark. siguro kasi ang dami kong iniisip nung time na yon. (read: script DEADLINE) literally, i was like, ok, break muna. ikakasal lang ako. tapos pagkakasal, back to writing. haha. worst feeling in the world. you only get married for the first time once, and WORK gets in the way! haha. not complaining though. i've been very lucky, very blest with work. my family needs it and i'm forever grateful for the opporunities to earn.
dahil may dealdine pa, hanggang dito na lang muna. 2011 onwards. worht thinkng about.
naghalungkat ako sa archives and i realized i'd been keeping happy memory items since 10 or 11 years ago.
2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!
2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.
let me continue that.
2007. hmm. what? oh, yeah. MD@FI. the smell of the place. the cream walls. the lectures in that little room, the headaches that came after. and of course, the carpool gang. the laughter. the tears (oh, they did come, in the end). sa lahat ng yon, ang pinakatumatak for me were the carpool friendships. para kaming mga college kids. i was so happy then, i should've known, may equivalent na lungkot yun later.
2008. that movie. that compound. day in, day out. night in, night out. "hell" was the only word that would come to mind. i hated everything about that shoot. everything. i was literally smoking two packs of cigs a day. kung kaya lang lumuha ng dugo dahil sa dusa at sama ng loob, i would've bled to death. i hated that memory, and yet it was the most vivid memory of 2008.
but was it? nah. the most vivid memory was the Interrogation. but i think that happened on dec 27 or 28. so technically, that was 2007. ironically, it didn't register in me much. siguro kasi, sobrang sakit nya parang kinalimutan ko na lang yung detalye. i couldn't dwell on the memory, baka mabaliw ako. haha.
christmas 2008 was memorable, too. the Christmas of the Broke and Broken. iisang tao lang yun, ako. walang pera, basag ang mga pangarap, not knowing what the future would bring. but love had been there, love had made everything so much easier to bear. kaya nga hindi kita masyadong masakyan Leyang Maarte. kahit ako pa ang tumipa sa mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo. NABUBWISIT PA RIN AKO SA YO.
i would NEVER punish my osobear for the things that other people did to me. at least, not consciously. and not immediately.
pero hanggat walang sinasabi ang mga diyos. deadma sa lahat.
2009. katorse. aww. our afternoons in tierra bella, at our headwriter's house. a new career was born for me.
2010. giving birth. the way she looked when she first came out, 5 seconds old. i can still remember how long she'd been (around 11 inches?) and her torso was yellow brown. my beautiful daughter. the love of my life, a gift from the man that i love.
the civil wedding, ironically, didn't make a big mark. siguro kasi ang dami kong iniisip nung time na yon. (read: script DEADLINE) literally, i was like, ok, break muna. ikakasal lang ako. tapos pagkakasal, back to writing. haha. worst feeling in the world. you only get married for the first time once, and WORK gets in the way! haha. not complaining though. i've been very lucky, very blest with work. my family needs it and i'm forever grateful for the opporunities to earn.
dahil may dealdine pa, hanggang dito na lang muna. 2011 onwards. worht thinkng about.
CAN'T WAIT FOR FEBRUARY!
writing, writing nearly everyday. not complaining. because writing means earning money. and money means more free time to buy for myself someday.
counting,counting every now and then. i save first, spend when i need to. thank you lord, for new adventures in the future, sana lang mabigyan po kami ng mas mahabang oras pa to develop and write them.
lighthouses. the reach is wide because of the medium. you want to reach out to more people, you do it here.
i'm deaf,dumb, and blind. manhid na rin ako. the ones airing this week and half of last week wasn't mine. kaya hindi kasingsakit as compared to, say, dumaan sa akin o nanggaling sa akin.
tamad me. right now. the flat tire last script week, guess the frick what?? they LIKED it. and that somehow disturbs me. because magkaiba kami ng taste.
ang mga faney lang ang maiingay at mareklamo sa totoo lang. ang mga diyos, tahimik.
pero paano yung kadiyos-dyosan? faney din yun e.
well, thank god i don't get to face her. you see, i'm writing, writing nearly everyday. too busy for those things.
counting,counting every now and then. i save first, spend when i need to. thank you lord, for new adventures in the future, sana lang mabigyan po kami ng mas mahabang oras pa to develop and write them.
lighthouses. the reach is wide because of the medium. you want to reach out to more people, you do it here.
i'm deaf,dumb, and blind. manhid na rin ako. the ones airing this week and half of last week wasn't mine. kaya hindi kasingsakit as compared to, say, dumaan sa akin o nanggaling sa akin.
tamad me. right now. the flat tire last script week, guess the frick what?? they LIKED it. and that somehow disturbs me. because magkaiba kami ng taste.
ang mga faney lang ang maiingay at mareklamo sa totoo lang. ang mga diyos, tahimik.
pero paano yung kadiyos-dyosan? faney din yun e.
well, thank god i don't get to face her. you see, i'm writing, writing nearly everyday. too busy for those things.
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