Christmas is for family

thank you, lord, for this day. a day with nothing work-related to do. (except for one itty bitty thing in preparation for tomorrow's brainstorming).

sa mahabang relationship ng dalawang tao, nagbabago bago ang ratio ng pagmamahal/emotional engagement nila para sa isa't isa. minsan nasa puntong mas nagmamahal si tao1 kesa kay tao 2, minsan naman vice versa.

kami ng anak kong si babybear, nasa isang magandang stage ngayon. a parent's love for his/her child is constant and unwavering, kaya sa relasyong magulang at anak, usually it's the child who changes.  kaya ko nasabing maganda ang stage na ito sa relasyon namin dahil at this point, ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamahal para sa akin ng anak ko. at 5 years old, she's not too clingy anymore, but she needs me, and wants to be with me, and always looks forward to mama-baby time together. and being the child that she is, she doesn't hold back her feelings, she loves us and lets us know it (following my example, perhaps. hehe). and that makes me love her even more. so the circle of love, the giving and receiving, is alive and well between my daughter and me--and between her and her father, too!-- which creates happy memories every day, even in something as simple as playing plants vs zombies together, or watching Inside Out together, or talking at bedtime.

alam ko darating din ang panahon na hindi sya magiging ganito kaloving sa amin. hindi mababawasan ang pagmamahal, mas lalalim ito, pero hindi na sya magiging kasingdemonstrative like she is at 5 years old. she will need me less. she will be less attentive. growing up she will eventually realize na--oh my God--- mama is just human, not some idol on a pedestal. that mama isn't always right, that mama has flaws.

pero alam ko rin na kahit paglaki nya hindi na nya ako masyadong kakailanganin at hindi na sya masyadong magiging kasing-affectionate sa akin as her 5-year-old version, she will continue to love me, even more than she ever did before, hindi lang nya yon marirealize.

marirealize nya yon, kapag 30ish na siya. even more kapag nanay na sya. kasi ganyan din ang naranasan ko. at 35, i realize that i've never loved my mother this much in my entire life. kahit pa noong 5 years old ako, at sya ang buong mundo ko. mas mahal na mahal ko siya ngayon.

kaso dahil may pamilya na rin akong sarili, at busy sa trabaho, hindi ko mabigyan si mama (at si papa) ng sapat na oras para makagawa kami ng happy memories together. still trying to find time, though. lagi lang akong nagpepray na sana, maging okay lagi si mama (at si papa), health-wise, na mabigyan kami ng mas marami pang taon together (more than 20 years pa lord, please!).

narealize ko, being a daughter has prepared me for motherhood somehow. haha. dumaan ako dyan, kaya alam ko, hindi tayo honeymoon stage forever anak. pero i will make the most of this time, because i want you to have a happy childhood, para pag someday ikaw naman ang naging ina (at SANA MATAGAL NA MATAGAL PA!), you will do the same for your children.

sa March, pupunta kami sa HK Disneyland-- mama, me, my daughter and osobear. excited na ako sa happy memories na magagawa namin doon. sana mag-enjoy kaming lahat, especially my daughter and my mother.

finally, freedom

...at least until december 28. :-)

ang hirap sa loob magtrabaho ng kalagitnaan ng pasko season. feeling mo victim ka, kahit ang totoo, mabagal ka lang kaya nagtatrabaho ka pa rin kahit pasko na. haha. pero thank you lord, for a wonderful 2015. an adventure, from all angles.

thank you lord, for more work to come. i still dream of being able to afford early retirement (and i can only afford that if i have multimillions stashed and invested,  and with a passive-income business taking care of me and my family), kaya maraming salamat po sa blessings. go go go 2016, let's work and work til we get there.

memories of feelings while there's a deadline to meet.

-  waking up early in the morning nang masakit ang likod mo. pero mas naisip mo yung mga sequences na hindi mo pa tapos. at anong petsa na.

-  lumalagutok na joints ng fingers mo from typing marathons. hello, middle age and arthritis.

- eating mindlessly in the wee hours to wake myself up

-  the beeping of my phone. may nagfafollow up na.  dreading having to read the message.

-  barely being aware of what day or date it is. or where the day has gone (gabi na?)

- being so sleepy while writing, kung anu ano na nasusulat mo. kung ano ang maisip ng utak mo kahit hindi related sa sinusulat mo, automatic na tinitipa ng mga daliri mo

- that heavy feeling of facing a big bulk of work that needs to be done. blank pages. unscripted treatments.

- the unparalleled joy of having pressed SEND. and the feeling of liberation after.

- the discomfort over having to tackle a difficult scene. (usually, i leave it for later. BAD HABIT)

- kilig and smiles when you're writing a scene that's supposedly kilig and funny (at bumebenta naman sya sa yo)

-  counting sequences

-  when you're in the moment at nagmamadali and someone wants your attention.
 
-  that wonderful feeling when you watch something you've written and you're happy with the outcome

- that sinking, MEH feeling when you watch something you've written and you're not happy with the outcome.

- brief relief  in between work sprints, brought to me by COC, P vs Z, FB, Tw1tter, P3X, and so many other diversions. :-(

- incomparable joy of hugging and talking and being with my daughter in between work sprints. relief with a big R.

- guilt. over missed deadlines.

- guilt. over makng people wait. :-(

- happy moments of eureka. when you get excited over an idea, you just couldn't wait to spit it out or put it on paper.

- blank walls. when you're facing a blank page, a new script week ahead, and at the moment you absolutely have no idea what to do

- that goosebump-inducing moment when you hear the theme song and you are moved to tears, remembering that love story in your head.

-  proud moments when something you wrote is appreciated by people.

- dead-of-night moments. when you just want to finish the damn thing. wala ka nang pakialam kung panget sya, gusto mo na lang sya matapos.

- fantasizing about that moment when you finish the final sequence. and wondering why it's so damn long before the fantasy becomes real.

-marveling at how a mere 15 sequences can cost me so many hours of my life.

- wondering why i can't just... breeze through writing the entire thing like a hurricane. why does 1frickin sequence take so damn long to write sometimes??

- being able to breathe easy and join the world of the living when you're done with your deadline.

- frustration when you are being made to write something you don't believe in.  ang hirap itawid.

- buying time, even when you haven't earned it yet.  :-(

- guilt. when you're doing something else, when you have a script to finish and a tight deadline.


Merry Christmas, world! Thank you Lord, for momentarily free days. :-)

 

 



     

under the weather.

way, way under.
it's a sunday. a gloomy day. and i'm not in the mood to work.
but work is work and this is due tomorrow.
you have to write, ke nasa mood ka o wala. you have to write, ke inaantok ka o hindi.
there were dreary hours when  i had to just keep eating to wake myself up. it works, usually. habang nakapikit pa, nguya lang nang nguya sa gitna ng madaling araw.

yun nga lang, grabe ang damage sa katawan.

write it. kahit basura. kahit walang sense. just keep. FRICKIN. WRITING.

6:23 AM

19 sequences to go.
bawal matulog hanggat di tapos trabaho. hindi yan kamartiran, yan ay epekto ng backlog at kabagalan.

pero wala na energy. :-( another deadline missed. i hate this procrastinating comfort-seeking beeyatch of a karpintero in me.

notes on da show:
* it's amazing how so many people from tfc and iwantv (and who knows where else all over the net) are willing to contribute their own money para sa kasal nina L at C. you for real, guys? totoong kasal ba ang pinag-uusapan?
*it means they've grown to care  that much for the characters. or maybe just the loveteam. the former is a good sign,it means somehow we've done our job. the latter? MEH.
*which brings me to this---everytime i see the faces of those two, i transform into that green little teenage girl in Inside Out. i don't like you guys. especially you, boy. thank god malapit nang matapos. i can't stand you guys anymore.
*quit lobbying for a december wedding. okay?? nashoot na ang lahat at sarado na ang tindahan hangggang enero. we're writing the last three scripts now kaya just quit it. the wedding will happen when it's supposed to happen.
*i should be working on those 19 remaining sequences. almost an entire episode's worth of scripts. instead i'm writing her. PROCASTINASTY COMFORT-SEEKING CREATURE!

little match girl on a rainy night

you know the fairy tale. or rather, the tragic tale.

one wintry cold night, a little match girl uses her imagination to make herself feel better.  she imagines all sorts of scenarios, the things her heart wants at the moment. and then, she dies with a smile on her face.

so since i just realized today that i'll be working althroughout the christmas holidays, medyo desperate-for-a-happy-pill mode tayo ngayon. i'm going to be that little match girl for the moment,

i see myself in Disneyland HK. with my daughter and husband, and my mother. and my daughter is having the time of her life, and i am actually enjoying everything, not just being mommy/chaperone to her.

i see myself in Paris. it's spring. i tour the city all day, tour some more at night. i'm with my husband, and for once he's not thinking about the friggin expenses this trip is costing us. he's actually enjoying the place. we take the train, and see the french countryside, those green meadows and Birch Tree black-and-white cows. wow. beauitful. and i remember my same experience more than 10 years ago, a 23-year-old child who found herself amidst all this beauty alone. i was too infantile to take advantage of that very rare opportunity (a trip to France and everything was friggin FREE, stupid! you were too afraid to even wander! you spent 75% of your time there inside the hotel room!)

we go to Cannes. Marseilles. we see the best of France. The mediterranean, the fishports, the cobblestones, the beautiful streets, the landmarks. we ride a sailboat, we dine al fresco..but wait. it's time to take the train again. This time, to Italy.

never been to Italy. but I have relatives there. osobear and I meet up with my cousins one day, but for the rest of the trip, we're free to go where we please. we see the best of Italy as well. Rome and its ancient ruins. the old and the new. we go to Venice, and make a girlhood dream of mine come true--- we ride a gondola and cruise along those famous canals.

we go to Switzerland, see the alps and stay in one of those Swiss chalets, explore the country and take all the beautiful things it has to offer.

i see myself at home. on a day with no deadlines whatsoever. no work assignments to do. i'm free to do whatever i please. go wherever i please. so i cook. i bake. i decorate cookies. i spend an entire afternoon with my hubby and babygirl just watching DVDs.  and because a day is not enough to do all the things I want to do, the next day is work-free as well.  family goes malling.

i see myself on another work-free day, starting on my weight loss plan. enroling again at the gym. moving this lazy ass. losing weight. gaining my cheekbones and curves and self-esteem back. lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko---papapayat ako pagkatapos ng show. sana mabigyan ako ng kahit two weeks to kickstart this kahit papano.

so, there. marami pa akong gustong ma-imagine. like me buying a new mac laptop, an Iphone, a four-wheel-drive car. and not having to worry about all that making a dent on my savings.

and yes. i see myself on the shooting set. doing that thing i'd fervently dreamed of doing for many years. and being good at it. the fantasy wouldn't be complete if i'm not going to be good at it.

and that, folks, is the greatest fantasy of all. like that one that got away.

pero kahapon bumalik ako sa shooting set. bilang spectator, ramdam ko ang pagod ng lahat. bumalik na naman ako sa memories of my years in production. mahirap magshoot. 40% is creative. 60%, dealing with the environment, the logistics, the daily realities of mounting a production. kung prod staff ka, mabilis na magiging dormant ang creative side mo sa ganitong environment. and the magic there is, you almost never see the hirap, the pagod, the hintayan at tengga, the struggles and the difficulties when you watch a finished film/episode. hindi ko lang alam kung makakaya ko uli yun.

but i want to. someday. i want to at least try. at least do something about that one true love (or so i thought) that got away. kung hindi ko susubukan, baka hanggang pagtanda ko, dala dala ko yung "what-if" na yun sa puso ko. what if i had tried, and i could actually do it?

at least, kung subukan ko man sa realidad, at nadiscover kong i couldn't do it, i don't have the makeup for it, or hindi ko pala talaga sya ganon kamahal...then matatahimik na ako. at least may answer. hindi yung forever nag-iisip ka... nagwawonder ka.

so back to reality.nabago na ang assignment. week 18 na daw muna, deadline in 2 days. everytime i go to the set, mas lalo kong naappreciate ang trabaho ko ngayon. isn't that ironic? cause here, we deal with stories. concepts. ideas. we create characters and lives and conflicts and shit.

pero well. ibang klaseng high din ang magdirek, sa totoo lang. i was 29 when i last directed shit-- that AVP for a networking company. i was a newbie writer. feeling ko, ngayon, with 6 years of writing experience behind me, may makocontribute yung writing experience na yun kung sakaling magkaroon ako ng chance na magdirek uli.

ang dami daming may pangarap na ganito. sampu sampera sila. at sa panahon ngayon when you can shoot an entire film using your phone, wala nang excuses para di ka gumawa kung gugustuhin mo talaga. kaso feeling ko, yun ang waterloo ko, EVER SINCE. konsepto. if i'm going to have to think of something good enough, i will have to focus on nothing else but that. kaso posible ba yun? not at this point. :-(

pero ang sumakay sa isang konseptong pinaniniwalaan ko, tingin ko, kaya ko. i can even write the script, basta merong konsepto. sana within this lifetime, either makaisip ako ng konsepto na good enough. o may isang magaling na konsepto akong matisod na galing sa isant taong willing makipagcollaborate with me bilang manunulat.

but then again, let's be clear about this. let's not neglect the lessons of the past and go back to the reason why i want to go in that direction again. pin that on the corkboard, bluey. reflect on it, honestly. why do you want to do it?






 

week 17

magtatrabaho during the holidays.

it's just a script, beeyatch. not rocket science. so friggin just do it.

AT WALA AKONG PAKE

ngumakngak kayo dyan nang ngumakngak. ke may punto kayo o wala, wala na akong pake.
bago pa kayo nadismaya, nauna na ako sa inyo.
pero wag kayong mag-alala, bibitaw din kayo. dahil matagal na rin akong bumitaw at sa puntong ito gusto ko na lang talagang matapos. sana lang bumitaw na lang kayo kapag pebrero na. pero kung bibitaw na kayo ngayon, bahala kayo.

don't email or tweet me your feedback. i can't do anything about them. we can't do anything about them anymore. it's finished, it's in the can, the things you're seeing now. nakita ko tong darating, itong punto na ito in fairness.  no one is faultless, because we're a team. no one is faultless, not even the bosses, or the direks. ako rin, may kakulangan, dahil nung nagkakaipitan na sa deadlines, pinangalawa ko na lang sa priority ko ang quality. nang hindi ko na solo ang paggawa ng bahay, bumitaw na rin ako by 40%. dahil feeling ko kasi, there it goes. the story is over, there's not much to tell anymore.

ang issue nyo, walang conflict. i was thinking the same thing when i was writing those eps set in ilocos. but then, sabi nga ng immediate na kinauukulan- yung ang gusto nila e. puro kilig. mahirap talaga kapag ginagawa mo lang ang ginagawa mo dahil trabaho mo ito. yun ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. i cared about the story, pero matagal na kong hindi nagke-care. hindi ko masikmura ang puro kilig at walang conflict. so now we get these feedback. and i realize na tama ang pakiramdam ko. kapag walang conflict, walang kwento. walang kwenta.

but i'm grateful, for an 8-week (airing-wise, 12) love story that i can truly say i'm proud of. and for those 8 (or 12) weeks alone, this show will always be special to me. C and L will always be special to me. C, specifically, because it was during those times when i was smitten by him that i was able to contribute the most sparkle to the material.

sabi nga ng bossing namin, iba ang lente ng isang babaeng lumalandi-- "papa ko si C. papa ko siya, at kilig ako sa kanya", referring to the director. it works the same for the writer, sir.  iba ang pluma ng babaeng lumalandi. for 12 weeks, i was smitten, in love, feeling 15 years old again. when realities reared their ugly heads at di na kinaya ng powers ko, the feelings faded, and that was when it became just another job to me.

so, right, gustoko na lang matapos to. WEEK 17 treatment due tomorrow. WEEK 17 script on wednesday. barrelling towards the end, walang makakapigil sa akin at wala akong pake kung anong isipin ng kahit sino bukod sa mga bossing ko.

Ayan na si Sir...

Between exhibit A..

and exhibit B...

I'd choose exhibit A. But only if I absolutely have to choose...pero kung hindi naman kailangang mamili, aba, papakyawin ko pareho! the more the merrier! HAHA.

the thing with C is, well. he's gotten too ideal. too predictable from this girl's POV, i'm getting bored by him. kilalang kilala ko na sya, there's nothing left to discover.

tulad nga ng nasabi ko noon. C is the cliche in a typical love story.

but Sir S... OOH. WOW.  He's a mystery, but I think I know this man. I think I've known him for years, in my dreams, and I even wrote about him here.

Enigmatic. Brilliant. Mature. Refined. Successful. Hard-to-get. Unpredictable. Oozing with confidence.

Yung tipong kapag sinurrender mo sa kanya ang buong pagkatao at buhay mo, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. He's the kind of man I'd be scared to meet in real life. Whether I'm married or not, nakakatakot makameet ng ganyang lalake, dahil ideal guy ko sya, at alam ko, masasaktan lang ako, dahil mamahalin ko sya nang higit pa sa dapat. Dahil 100% akong mahuhulog sa kanya.

at kung ang ideal guy ko ay hihiram ng itsura kay Pau10 Av3l1n0, aba, why not! (don't worry j@m3s, i'm sure kung napunta sa iyo ang role, makekeri mo rin yun. Kering Keri mo ang Christian Grey sans the kinks, of course). sabi nga ng isang d1rek namin... I LOVE THIS SHOW. At lahat kaming mga babae sa mesa nung time na yon, malutong na nag ME TOO. Haha.

sorry S1mon. pero feeling ko, hindi ko naibibigay yung kwentong para talaga sa yo. yung kwentong ikakikilig ng mga katulad ko.  kasi hindi ikaw ang bida. sana may ibang kwento na lang para sa yo. doon, ibebenta ko nang bongga bongga, todo-todo, walang preno ang mga dreams ko about you. Pwede naman sya sa primetime, dahil-ehem- PG-13 naman sya. HAHA.

HINGA

HINGA. after pressing SEND.

harrowing week 15. two days lang ang sinulat ko pero harrowing pa rin.

next script week, malamang, mas madugo. sana naman, mas magaan sa loob.

ang sakit sa loob nung autopilot ka at gusto mo na lang matapos. ayoko ng autopilot, rare ko ginagamit yun unless na talagang galit na galit na yung mga nagfafollowup sa akin (minsan nga kahit galit na sila, di pa rin ako autopilot. which is kinda, well, impractical on my part).

di ko na kontrolado ang biggest percentage ng content ng first drafts dahil dalawa na kaming writers. kaya sa mga kasong ganito na wala na sa kamay mo, may detachment ka na ring mararamdaman. di katulad noon na solely responsible akong karpintero for first drafts kaya stressed na stressed ako. kalabaryo ko sya, pero strangely, mahal na mahal ko.

pag nagdetach ka, mababawasan ang pagmamahal. mababawasan din ang stress. pag may pumipintas, pag may nambabato, hindi na ako nasasaktan. kasi hindi lang naman ako ang may anak dyan. you can only help raise the child of your dreams for so long (read: 7-8 weeks of airing?), tapos from there, anything can happen. bad to worse, bad to better, or one long plateau.

at least minahal nila yung characters enough to stay. boring na ang magjowa kapag sila na, kaya para talaga sa akin, the best chapter was in the beginning, nung nagliligawan pa lang sila. naghuhulaan. nag-iiwasan. naglalandian. nagmamind games. parang totoong relasyon. those were the most exciting times.

pero sa totoong buhay, yung pinakexciting times ang nakakatakot kaya hindi ko maenjoy. the sweetest times for me, yung nagsisimula pa lang kayo. and i think C and L went through that, staggered nga lang kasi laging may kontrabidang sumisingit.

so back to week 15. can't say i'm proud of this one. actually dreading feedback time. pero ayoko namunang isipin yun. HIHINGA muna ako ngayong gabi. kasama ng anak ko, at hubby ko, be a mommy and wifey exclusively for a night.

konti na lang. 16,17,18,19...20. wow. marami pa pala. parang...half-season pa.

but then, hindidapat nagrereklamo. because the more weeks there are... the more moolah for everyone.

kaya salamat po, Lord. sana po, makabawi ako sa Week 16. for my autopiloting Week 15.

Haller, December

post-Christmas last year, we were called for our first meeting for the project that took up the most my 2015. after a deluge of shelved projects, it was a blessing. akalain mo. halos isang taon na pala kaming nagtatrabaho para sa project na to?

pero mahal ko itong project na ito. lalo na nung first 8 weeks of airing nya. i had never cared this much for  a TV project before. i had never given this much of me to a TV project before. investing myself in it, emotionally. selling dreams. my own dreams. helping create that one guy who will do all the things that real men can't/don't/will not/forget to do, even if they're in love with you. 

okay, so i'll reserve the eulogies for next year. sa ngayon, tapusin na ang Week 15, deymet. 

looks like i'll have work to  do during the holidays. :-(