Sunday, May 28, 2017

tired

you have no idea what a whirlwind this month has been. physically, emotionally, mentally.

there were days when I would literally be doing three things at the same time.

there were days when I would have no time to eat lunch because I'd be hopping from one activity to the next.

wuw, ako na ang busy. pero ang kita sa pinupuhunan ngayon, mukhang hindi pa agad agad darating. currently involved in two projects-- one in conceptual phase, the other in pilot scripting phase. in other words, purgatory and hell, development-wise.

tapos, may sumisingit pang deliverables for the little businesses. not complaining, shouldn't complain, i'm grateful and thankful for the opportunity to work and earn eventually. pero minsan sa sobrang pagod ko.. tao lang na kailangang umaray.

kaya salamat po sa isang araw na day off-- sunday. no deliverables. today i don't need to do anything. no meetings to attend, no deadlines, i really should just sleep the entire day away to recharge.

but days off after long periods of busy work days means family time. so... mall day today! at excited akong kumain ng masarap kasama ang mag-ama ko (paano ba naman ako papayat nito. haist. it's a vicious cycle. eat to cope with the stress from working, eat to reward myself after working)

i remember this day clearly. it was a thursday, i think

12 midnight. i was in the middle of finishing cookies due in two days. kelangan makagawa ng as much as i can dahil i would be in a seminar all day. and these cookies take time to dry.

1230 am. HW from project 1 messages, asking me to submit additional revisions. hindi madali para sa akin yung hinihingi. lalo na ang pahabol nya, "dapat swabe, dapat maganda". geez. pressure pa more teh.

so itinigil ko muna ang cookies sandali para harapin ang new homework.  nagresearch ako for about 2 hours for ideas. pero dahil mahaba din ang araw ko earlier at ang aga ko nagising, by 3 am, antokyo japan na.

3 am- bedtime. set the alarm for 7 and 8 am, hoping na pagkagising ko, matapos ko ang pinapagawa before i prepare to leave for the seminar at around 10 am.

9 am - woke up. nagsulat pero di pa rin natapos, 12 noon na. the seminar is at 1 pm. i had to leave na. before lunch ako magsasubmit, sabi ko. so another broken promise.

rushed pagligo pagbihis, pagtawag ng uber. in between, inasikaso ang order ng isang glutathione client from abs.

130 pm. seminar. in between listening to the lecture on personality types for story characters, was trying to finish the script. three frickin sequences. fine, the 2nd sequence is a series-- but STILL. fine, the sequences are not simple--but STILL. Lola, 3 sequences lang. why is it so frickin hard. nasan ang kilig sa katawan ko. naubos na yata. nasan ang lightning sa utak ko. nasaid na yata.

sabi ng co-writer ko, hindi ko kaya ginagawa mo, nagsusulat habang nagseseminar. sabi ko--ako din. i'm not one of those lucky ones who can write anywhere, anytime, while doing something else. kaya nga ang bagal ko. hindi ko kayang magseminar at magsulat nang mabilis at the same time. hindi ko kayang magsulat nang mabilis under ordinary circumstances, so imagine the speed in this situation. so inabot ng buong maghapon ang script. by 7 pm pa lang ako nakasubmit.

frustrated sa sarili. frustrated sa mga bagay bagay, but mostly sa sarili. pero ginawa ko naman yung best ko. hindi ko minadali. when you have done what you can, in the best way possible, all you really can do is let it go.

8 pm. nagmamadaling umuwi. dahil kailangang tapusin ang cookies na due kinabukasan.

4 am. hindi pa tapos ang cookies. 3pm later ang deadline. umidlip sandali.

pagkasiging, buong umaga at maghapon kong tinapos ang cookies. finally, natapos na. made the arrangements for grab express to pick it up.

eto na ang viber message ng CM from project 2-- bakit ang tagal ng storyline mo, i still need it. tunog sermon. mabait ang CM kong ito, minsan lang yan tumalak. kaya sobrang nastress ako. dahil hindi madali gumawa ng storyline. kahit mas maikli sa script, concept creating, character and plot designing, it takes time and lots of focus.

sabi ko, tomorrow po. ASAP po. ang dami kasing pahabol na revisions nung isang project. akala ko pagkasubmit ko ng buong script, matatahimik na ako, makakapagpahinga. but then. that's life. hindi naman nag-uutos ang mga tao just for the heck of it. we are all working towards same objectives.

for a moment, torn ako---- write the storyline na ba now na? dapat sana, pero may 30 pcs ng cookies akong naipangako sa friend ko for her son's birthday party kinabukasan. yun sana ang haharapin ko after this first cookie order. pagod na pagod ako that afternoon. as in. konti na lang, breakdown na. hindi ko alam paano hahatiin ang utak at katawan ko kung ano ba ang uunahin.

kaya natulog muna ako. deadma na muna sa mundo.

pagkagising ko, gabi na. i didn't want to disappoint my friend and back down on my promise. 11:30 am ang party kinabukasan. kaya tinapos ko yung cookies hanggang ...

4 am. almost done. simpleng simple lang sila. at sa party halos walang nakapansin sa kanila. kung alam lang ng mga tao na pinagpuyatan ko ang mga yun.  pero at least hindi ako nakasira ng pangako. nakapagdeliver ako.

10 am. nagready na kami ng anak ko to go to the party. we arrived there at 11:30-- punctual, for a change.

at ang saya kahit papano. nakakarefresh makita ang old buddies from college. sa facebook na lang kasi ako nakikibalita sa kanila. magmamigrate na ang friend kong naghost ng party sa HK for good, kaya kahit pagoda ako buong linggo, hindi ko pwedeng mamiss ito. i was tempted to bail out the day before dahil sa stress ko over the storyline, pero mabuti na lang pumunta ako.

sa mga pumunta sa party na yun na ka-batch ko (we were all film majors), ako lang ang nagstay sa pagsusulat. yung isa editor for film, yung isa teacher for masscomm students, yung isa nasa family business of importing (at sabi ko sa kanya---syet, pangarap ko yan! and i meant it with my whole heart). tinanong ako-- in so many words--- kumusta ang trabahong tulad ng sa yo?

ang sagot ko na lang- anuman ang isagot ko ngayon, pwedeng magbago, kasi sa ngayon, pagod ako.

tumawa yung kausap ko. sabi nya, referring to the hardships of being a writer for mainstream tv - ang hirap siguro ano, yung mga ideas mo may nakikialam, yung iba hindi natatanggap?

dear...that's not even half of it. i have long given up on all those elementary concerns. siguro naman deep inside, mahal ko ang trabaho ko. may fulfillment, kahit papano. pero sa ngayon, pagod lang talaga ako at mas madali sa akin ang bumitaw, emotionally.\

bumitaw physically--- hindi kaya. because i need the money.

wala akong problema sa mga taong katrabaho. sa mga taong boss ko. marami lang talaga akong kaaligagaan sa buhay ngayon, and for a pentium 1 like me, nakakaupos.

kaya lesson learned-- wala na munang cookie orders, teh. focus na muna sa day job. tapos na ang toxic days hopefully. hopefully. well, fine. siguro marami pang susunod, dahil yung piloting script namin ay draft 5 pa lang  (oo, konti pa lang daw yun, dagdagan pa daw ng apat at worst, dalawa at best, pero realistic expectation ko, 3. matatanggap na yun ng puso ko).

kaya susulitin ko ang free day kong ito. disconnected ako today. walang magulo.








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