Dear Anak,

These past few days, thanks to work downtime, mas madalas tayong magkasama. Time spent with you is always a blessing to thank God for. Ang bilis kasi ng mga araw, ang bilis mo lumaki.

Figuratively speaking. This year you were less of a little kid than last year. Even in the way you converse-- mas complicated na ang mga questions mo, mas "adult" na ang logic at analogy mo. Last night at bedtime, sleepy-you said to me-- Mama, hug mo ako. AWWW. Nakakatunaw makarinig ng ganon mula sa iyo. Kasi hindi ko alam kung next year ganito ka pa rin. I so love you anak. I want to make the most of these days, na ganyan ka pa ka-expressive at ka-sweet. Na kasama pa ako sa sentro ng mundo mo.

Literally speaking, ang tangkad tangkad mo na! Knock on wood. 7 years old and I'm only a full head taller than you are. At the rate you're going, by the time you're 12, baka kasing laki na kita (at sana, sana sana, malampasan mo pa pati ang Papa mo!). Ayoko sanang maipasa sa yo ang fixation ko with height (another hangup! haha), pero I can't help expressing my joy whenever the topic is about you getting taller. Ayokong maipasa sa iyo ang prejudice ko pagdating sa height (huhuhu), pero di ko maiwasan na i-wish na sana paglaki mo maging mas matangkad ka pa kesa sa akin. Sana, sana. ang hirap kasi ng nakaheels at platform shoes palagi. Haha.

That doesn't mean taller=better. I know genetics has a large role in the height you're going to have as an adult, at kung sakali man na paglaki mo kasing-height mo ako, don't worry. Maganda ka naman. Matalino (pero di ko yun sinasabi sa yo, because growth mindset vs fixed mindset--- kahit di matalino ang tao sa isang bagay, o kahit di magsimulang mahusay sa isang bagay, they can perform better at something, if they work hard on it. people can grow to be better, hindi fixed yun). Mabait (more than most! We try our best not to spoil you!). And being small is sometimes an advantage. They underestimate you, in a way. Some people will actually be more solicitous and helpful towards you, and this will come in handy when you're carrying heavy luggage up a flight of stairs and someone will actually volunteer to help you carry them-- aww, she's too petite to carry all that, let me help her. See, sometimes you bring out the best in people when you're petite! Haha.

I wish I could instill in you the mindset of valuing yourself beyond your physical looks.

I wish you would grow up thinking that there is SO MUCH more to you than what you look like--- a good heart, a bright mind, an interesting personality.

Pero ang hirap, kasi ako mismo produkto ng isang generation where women are valued greatly for their physical looks. Feeling ko, hanggang ngayon, ganon pa rin. Even more so, in these social media times. Sana hindi ka matulad sa akin. Kahit anong conditioning ng nanay ko sa akin, in the end marami pa rin akong physical hangups. Before I met your Papa, I had believed I wasn't pretty enough to be loved. Which is BS, right? There are a lot more women then men who think that. "To find a man who will love you, you have to be pretty".  Well let me tell you-- your physical looks might attract men, but it's your personality, your character, your brains that will make them stay, that will make them fall in love with you.

So don't fret if you don't have supermodel looks (who knows, pagdating ng 20 years baka ikaw na ang definition ng supermodel, nagbabago bago din ang standards ng mga tao we never know), you are visually pleasing enough for anyone to want to have coffee with you (but be discriminating sa mga nagyayaya sa yong mag-kape--- baka ayain ka lang sumali sa networking! haha).  Finding a romantic partner, having a love life, is a complicated topic, pero bottom line is--- you are valuable, and you should know it. Don't let what others think about you become the measure of how much you value yourself. You are valuable, period.

Why? Because bata ka pa lang, napakabait mo na. You have such a gentle, loving, lovable temperament. Kahit mga magulang ng mga classmates mo, gusto ka. You are bright-- conversations with you will never be boring for people who appreciate good conversation. Ngayon pa lang, ang mga tanong mo, nakakatuwa. Naeenjoy ko ang mga pag-uusap natin. And you are pleasing to the eyes-- combine that with everything else, jackpot na ang future son-in-law ko (sana matagal pa anak, mga 20-25 years from now).

I just want you to grow up with a healthy perception of yourself. With a healthy self-esteem. You are valuable, anak. And I pray that you grow up knowing that, and not rely on other people's perceptions to see how valuable you are. You are valuable and lovable, you should know that in your heart.

So you're 7. And you constantly fear Math, pero 93 ang grade mo sa Math (kaloka ka. hindi ko nga yata naabot ang 93 sa math ever). I wish Math would become your friend til you grow up. Kasi kakailanganin mo sya.

Your 7th christmas with us. You wish for a bike, pero alam ko, hindi mo sya sobrang gustong gusto, kahit ano happy ka na. I'm happy to see that you're not fixated on material things. Fixated ka lang kay Pat and Gen, watching them do minecraft on Youtube. Okay na yun. I'm proud of how you are so far and I'm optimistic and fairly confident of the person you have yet to become. Basta ang pinakamahalaga, over achievement and success anak, is that you have a good heart--- sensitive sa kapwa mo tao, handang tumulong kapag kailangan, may enough integrity to do what is right and just even if everyone else is doing the contrary. And yes, courage. That's something we are working on. I don't know how to teach you that. Sana tulungan kami ni God na mapalaki ka namin to become a courageous, strong girl.

12 days til Christmas

And thank God, halos tapos na ako sa Christmas shopping. Hindi ako masyadong nahirapan this year. Mga boss na lang ang kulang, pero halos lahat ng friends at kapamilya meron nang nakalaan. Konti na lang, list is complete.

But that's not the reason why I'm writing here. Today I started something new.  Yes, a diet! Yung sikat na sikat ngayong keeetow. First time kong magseryoso sa isang diet in a long long time. I'm not one to go on fad diets-- never really believed in them-- but the testimonials of peeps on this one, man. And an entirely different approach, one that's not going to be hard for me to follow (pwede ang meat! pwede ang fat! pwedeng kumain, bawas lang ng carbs!). So Day 1 is done, and this was my first keetow meal for the day...

 Salmon omelette with lettuce and onions and a spoonful of cream cheese (yes, pwede ang cream cheese- kahit konti). Hopefully, in 5 months-- that's May 2018-- I'd be 20 pounds lighter. Others have lost same amount of way on this diet for a shorter period of time kaya hindi naman siguro imposible. Morning of Day 1, I weighed in at 61.5 kilos (ARGH). By May 2018, masaya na ako at 50 kilos (but that's still 3 kilos shy of my mid-20s weight, 47 kilos-- the weight I'd kept on for about 10 years before I bloated to this pudgy mommy-figured self).

Claiming it, universe. I'm imagining the old clothes I'd be able to wear again (it'll be like having an entirely new wardrobe--only their old clothes!). Goodbye, loose fat-girl polo shirts. Hello again, shorts and dresses. Goodbye, 30-inch-waistline jeggings. Hello again, old 27-inch jeans. Okay, 27 inch waistline ain't the ideal, but that would be good enough for me. Anything that would make me fit my old jeans again!

So Day 2 begins in a few hours and I'm still up. Buti na lang, thank You Lord, magaan ang work life these days. Ewan ko na lang during deadlines (not allowed to drink normal coffee! no sugars, too) pero I'm keeping my hopes up. And determined to fight! Dry run lang ang 1 week, alam ko, lafang month ang December pero malay natin, ma-maintain ko ang keetow way of eating kahit papano. Kelangan lang, determinado.

Magastos ang diet na ito-- at least for someone like me na matakaw. Went to the grocery again and bought meat, meat meat. Tonight I ate hamburger patties--  ground pork and beef, onions, eggs, salt pepper. I'm making chicken broth later-- slow-cooking it-- and thank God I love eggs because eggs will be my best friend from Day 1 onwards. Lord, sana talaga mapanindigan ko.

So I still have burger patties for lunch later. And a bit of the salmon omelette for breakfast (lalagyan ko uli ng lettuce and onion). May meeting later, kaya malamang late dinner of burger patties din. And chicken broth.

Day 2, bring it on! Keeetow is on!

Sana by Day 3, 60 kilos na ko. Haha. I used to be this way when I was in college. Nakabantay lagi sa weighing scale. Nakakapagod ang ganun. Pero hindi ko alam kung psychological, pero ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Not eating rice, or bread, or any carb-heavy food for Day 1. Hindi ako nanghihina dahil siguro sa fats. At ang lakas kong uminom ng tubig.

50 kilos by May. No more chubchub face. No more double chin. Back to slim petite me. Huhu. I miss the younger slimmer petite version of me.

A lot of writing has to happen between now and May, kaya good luck. Kaya ko 'to!! Pwede ang chicharon sa diet na to, alam mo ba yon?? Di ba ang saya? So I'll be munching on chicharon whenever I'm stressed while writing. I'll be eating up. No more fasts, at least while I'm starting on this diet. Eggs are my bestfriend. And a bit of cheese, too. And butter, yeah. Basta organic pure butter.

Missing rice? I'll try cauli rice! I bought cauliflower. Ang mahal ng cauliflower grabe. Pero go go go. Pwede nga ang steak sa diet na to. Pwede ang favorite kong inihaw na pusit, inihaw na liempo. Sana talaga, ito na ang diet na magtatanggal ng post-owtwol fats ko.