rainy days

Rainy days are here and that makes me lazier than I've ever been.
Maybe it's the weight gain. But I'm finding it hard to do anything these days. Except for the tasks I'm required to do for work, doing anything takes some effort.

I realized I can't do keto while the we're still working on this show. It literally makes me feel bad. It makes work a bit harder. Keto flu. I need to be in the best condition possible while we're grinding. Pero hopefully... dumating din ako sa araw na yon. Na pwede na akong mag-keto ulit. Pwede nang magpapayat ulit.

American Beauty is a real beauty. Funny, I've seen it so many times in the year 2000, but I realize now I hadn't appreciated it fully. I was too focused on Spacey. (ugh!! I know). But I watched it again yesterday, and it's just... beautiful.  How all the characters in that world cope with life and dashed dreams, lose their way in the process, die a little everyday. Reminds me of that other powerful movie, Requiem for a Dream. Life can be harsh- what helps you cope? What's your "drug"?

Just one powerful piece of work is all it will take. Just one, bluey. And that dead dream can be brought to life. The question is, can you? Do you have it in you to make it real?

But truth is.. even if the answer is No...I can deal with it. Because my worth, my happiness, does not depend on my job or career or what others perceive as "achievements". I am more than just a writer, or a worker, or a creator, or whatever. I'm also a mother. A wife. A daughter. A friend. A sister. Even if I "fail" in one aspect of my life, that doesn't lessen my worth as a person. So.. it's okay if I don't get to Cannes. It's okay if I don't get to make that full length film that will take me There. It's okay if I don't get to become a director. I have made my choices and save for one (in 2007-- sana hindi na lang yung concept na yon ang pinili ko-- o sana mas nag-pay attention ako to people's welfare under my supervision), I don't regret the choice I have made.

I parked that Dream because I needed to earn a living ASAP.  And I'd been too wounded to stay on the same track. I think it was also a wise decision, to take a break. To let the lesson sink in. But the "break" stretched on for years, and I found myself in a different path. A lot happened in life, got married, had a baby, and before I knew it... that Dream was gathering dust in the baul.

And it was okay. It's still okay. I could still fight for it, kung gustong gusto ko talaga. But pursuing that dream would mean I'd be taking risks--- not only of failure, but of financial instability. I have bills to pay, a family to feed, all that adulting thing. So.. I don't need to become a filmmaker to be fulfilled. I can still be happy, and I AM happy.

Matagal na yata akong mas problema sa passion for this current job I have. Pag mahal mo kasi, kahit ano susuungin mo. Kahti ano titiisin mo. Pero napapadalas ang pagpapantasya lately. Napapadalas ang desire for flight, kesa fight. Pero got bills to pay. 3 years to finish amortization for a property. So... hang on. You are luckier than most. Be grateful. You are there not only for yourself, but for the people who depend on you.

Nabubuhay lang ang spirit ko kapag nakakapanood ako ng magandang pelikula. O magandang series. I am reminded of why I got into the storytelling business, in the first place. Because I enjoy a good story. I used to enjoy telling stories, too. I was very young when I fell in love---8 years old maybe. Reading stories, graviated into writing stories, and the rest was history.

Mabuti sana kung ganoon lang kasimple ang lahat, sa trabahong ito. Telling stories. Maraming factors na kailangang iconsider. Maraming mabilisang adjustments na kailangang gawin. Maraming changes lagi. Kapag di mo mahal ... madali kang mauubusan ng gasolina.

Pero kapit lang, bes. Dahil kailangan. Just do the best you can, deadma na muna sa diet.

My Stressball

My anak, three months shy of being 8.

I love it that I can now talk to her like I'm talking to an adult.

I love it that she understands why Mama can't sleep beside her on work nights. (Day 1 pa lang kasi ang ginagawa ko, anak. 5 days ang isang linggo. Pag hindi ako makasubmit, o ma-late ako, malaking pera mawawala sa mga boss ko)

I love her logic and sense of analogy. Wala lang akong time i-enumerate ngayon, pero maraming instances na napapanganga ako sa insight na naririnig ko mula sa kanya.

She literally de-stresses me, 10 minutes with her makes me physically feel better.  Everything is so much more bearable because I have my daughter with me. She's my vacation from everything.

I pray for every woman who wants a daughter to have a daughter like my babygirl.

Time is non-refundable, life is happening right past me. Pero sana anak dumating ang panahon na kaya ko nang makasama ka lagi lagi, and live through these times when you're growing up na mas madalas tayong magkasama.

Pero Thank You Lord dahil home based ako. Thank You Lord dahil anytime pwede akong magbreak sa trabaho para makita ang anak ko. Thank You Lord for all Your blessings. Dahil kahit minsan natatalo ako ng stress at nakikita ko lang yung kulang sa baso, and totoo, mas there's more water there than I deserve.

Health, safety, happiness for my family. That's all I really need.