My Audrey at 8

Lately, our little girl has taken a liking to story reading at bedtime. She would ask me to read her a story before she goes to bed. But tonight after 2 bedtime stories, I read her something else--- a few entries from this blog, way back in 2011 and 2012 when she was just a baby.

I read her things that I wrote about her. How I felt about her. What was going on with her back then, growing her first teeth, learning to crawl, etc. Nagulat ako nang makita ko, lumuluha na pala sya.

Haha. I'd like to think na na-touch sya sa mga narinig/nabasa nya about her, but I'm not sure though. Baka assuming lang si Mama :-) After all she did say na ayaw nyang maggrow up to be a teenager. Ayaw nyang maging tulad ng pinsan nya (who is now 14) na laging cellphone ang hawak. Haha.

I told her, ganun talaga, we can't be children forever. Lumalawak ang mundo ng mga bata as they grow up. Children grow up, adults grow old. At 8, she still has a good 3 or 4 years before she makes that tween transition (hay... malapit lapit na). When the time comes, she'd have changed her mind about growing up. Pero ako... kahit anong handa ko sa sarili ko... I don't know. I just want to enjoy and cherish these days, na close pa sya sa akin, na she's just an innocent happy child, na we can spend time together-- read stories together, play Jeopardy together... just be together.

Years from now, maybe she'd stumble upon this blog and read all about this moment. Na-touch ako sa pag-iyak mo, anak. gusto ko isipin na ramdam mo from what I'd read to you just how much Mama loves you. Kahit wala ako sa tabi mo, lagi kitang iniisip. At kahit wala na ako sa mundong ito, kahit magka-Alzheimers pa ako o maging ulyanin pa ako sa pagtanda ko, I will always love you. Kahit maggrow up ka pa at tumanda, in my heart you will always be my little girl.

These past few days you've been worried. About that recitation of yours in Science. Ilang beses mong sinasabi sa akin na ipag-pray kita kay Lord. Na sana pag tinawag ka, maalala mo lahat ng nireview natin. At hindi ka mapangunahan ng hiya. Well hindi mo sinabi lahat yan sa akin directly, but I know those are the things you're really afraid of. Kasi hindi ka naman ganyan ka-worried about your quarterly exams. Pero pagdating sa recitation, where you will have to speak in front of the class, you're so anxious. I get you, nak. Don't worry, you're ready and prepared. And I pray that God will guide you and give you courage to face what you fear and do what needs to be done.

Another thing to thank God for-- time for my daughter. These are ideal days, actually. Two shows-- a weekly and the soap in development pa. So I have time for my daughter. I have time for my husband, to make him coffee and cook for him during his work-at-home evenings.  Time for my parents, to visit them every now and then. And time for me as well--- me time. To relax and do the things I like doing. Thank You Lord for giving me time.

Glass Half-Full

May malaki akong iniisip, but then a moment came. Narealize ko, mas marami akong dapat ipagpasalamat kesa ikalungkot.

I worry about paying the monthly amortization for my lot investment.
I worry about that, on top of providing the monthly allowance of my parents.
I worry about getting to a point where I might have to take some from my other investments just to be able to pay the amortization-- something I DO NOT want to do. Because by doing that, it would be like starting again. Ang tagal na ng mga investments kong yon, taon na ang binilang. Ayoko hangga't maari na ilagay ang lahat ng mga itlog sa iisang basket.

I worry about money, mostly. Worry to the point that it would dampen my moments.

Pero sabi ni God, kung ang mga ibon nga nakakahanap ng paraan to survive. Kung ang mga ibon nga hindi Nya pinapabayaan, tao pa kaya.

So I lift this problem up to the Lord now. Lord, Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin. I've hoped for so many things, spent months waiting, only to be disappointed. Pagod na akong umasa na may bibili sa lupa. Pero umaasa po ako sa Inyo. Na tutulungan nyo akong kayanin. Nang hindi magagalaw yung ibang investments.

I resent things, like my brother not having a job at age 23. I resent it that he can't help me, financially, at a time like this. I resent it, kasi matanda na sya, pero hanggang ngayon ako pa ring mag-isa ang tumutulong sa parents namin. Shouldn't he be working? Can't he see I need help?

So I pray to God. Please Lord, give my brother the courage and the initiative. To find a job. I know he has his problems. But our family needs the both of us. I need him now to help me. Please help him find a job para kahit papano, makatulong sya sa monthly expenses.

I worry. I feel bad. Pero grateful ako. Because my parents are alive and well and still with us. Because I have a happy family, with my husband and daughter. Because we are supported by my kind and generous in-laws. So much to thank God for. More things to be grateful for.  Pera lang ang problema. Sosolusyunan yan ng Diyos.

Mabenta ko lang ang lupa, okay na okay na ako. Lord, ayoko na pong umasa.. ipinauubaya ko na lang po sa inyo.