and it's the first three to get their eviction notice: racquel, franzen, and rico. who's gonna get the boot for round one? my best guess: racquel.
two weeks is not enough basis for anyone to judge anyone's character, but in that kind of setup, i guess every move and every word matters. personally, though, i think i'd be able to live with a self-depracating crybaby and an eternally bleeding heart. but not with a dominatrix.
hehe. so there.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Sunday, September 04, 2005
(non) normal childbirth of a single parent (or ravings of a 1-beer drinker)
after more than 24 hours of marathon eye-to-eye with my computer screen, i feel like soaking in the warm, warm blue-green waters of the sea. or drinking a big bottle of C2 peche.
the latest work was somekind of a childbirth. it was my first time as a single parent. i had no one to text or bug in the middle of the night. no one to merge minds for whatever reason or purpose. no one to help rear this child to full maturation. i miss that.
and while some part of me knows that anyone with the right passions would be perfectly capable of breezing through work life as i know it, it's not what i'm developing the blues (or the blahs) about. not the hollow. but what used to be there. i miss that.
well. could there be a more roundabout, more obscure, more annoyingly indirect, and eventually vaguer way of saying it?
my newest favorite songs: She Has No Time, Bedshaped, Somewhere Only We Know, We Might as Well Be Strangers, all by Keane.
speaking of Keane, , September 2 was Keanu Reeves' birthday. Happy 41st birthday, mid-90s poster boy.
it's the little dawdangies attached to what should be the essence. the froth and the flavor. the icing, the cherry on top. the stuff that i like to live for. haha. that's what i get the blahs-and-blues about.
i miss the surge of life that one feels when one is in the mood for creation. 24 hours ago was in one of my blankest hours. gwwrll. thanks to 1 san mig light, i'm a lot more loosened up now. happy birthday ate lina!
i miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, right down to the minutest detail. that feeling of something spilling out of you, that you know you haven't encountered before in conscious memory, and something that even you, as creator, can be pretty happy with. and you, as creator, will inevitably be proud of.
i miss that feeling of gliding through things, and not letting that ink point on the paper grow into a huge black spot. god i hate that. it fries the brain a bit bad.
maybe that's just how things lag when you're robbed of a bright spot on a bad day. lag and lag they do. on and on across the universe.
when back then, say seven days ago, things would've been a bit different. but in the long run, i suppose, it would probably be for the ultimate good. ice thaws under high pressure. is that correct or is it the other way around?
it was childbirth of the normal kind, because it lasted more or less 24 hours. haha. at outline pa lang yan. in between pauses, yosis, blog entries, fwendsters, and what-have-you. the outlines are the hardest for me. the dialogues flow like nature but constructing legos is something that my cogs-and-wheels need to invest a li'l more time on. which is out of the question in this field.
wonder how it would have been if i had gone caesarean, like i guess how someone i used to (think) i know would do, wonder how it would've been.
slit, desensitize, churn it out. knowing me, it wouldn't have been fun without the labor pains. you feel each and every heave that you bring upon yourself, each and every second under a deadline that is usually unbeaten, each and every puff of poison gas that you take in for the excuse of sanity, each and every word and image and idea that you wring out of your quasi-creator's system. and when the work is done--for the moment, at least--the contentment is trebled as compared to something that didn't require so much pain. you allow yourself to enjoy those idle moments, if only for the very basic achievement of having finished something.
but what i'm sad about right now is that i haven't tended to that real baby from the womb. i'll have to adopt other babies in the future, and adopt i must. it's either adopt or have your own. but not remain childless anymore, ever.
haha. talking to myself. i like metaphors. even those that i made myself. they're something short of codes.
like a bright spot on a bad day.
on other issues, it's funny how dreams can reveal what we know or don't know. believe or not believe. feel or not feel. a friend of mine told me about somebody's dream, and on any ordinary time it would have made me laugh. told another friend of mine about that dream and he laughed, too.
other than laughs, though, it also made me increase my nicotine intake for a while.
i never would have dreamed something like that. because no matter which way i comprehend it, i do not believe. and kooky as i might be, i could never nurture any illusions about it. you come to live with a certain truth long enough, not even your imagination or your ability for make-believe can bend things for happiness' sake. oops! bend...no pun intended! ;-)
who knows, maybe my subconscious is more grounded. maybe it's more sensible than the conscious. precisely why i do not dream dreams like that. even if i feel different when i'm awake.
okay, on to more reader-friendly notes.
it's funny, the idea that there are people who love you more than you love them. now if that would be the case everytime, maybe we'd all run the risk of being spoiled rotten. or taking things (and people) for granted. or valuing things for less than they are actually worth.
but it makes you somewhat guilty, too, and i'm not talking about my mom or my dad or any family member. there just are people whom you will grow to love and people you will simply like and people who will only be a part of the population to you. and you can belong to either of those three categories in other people's lives. now if only we can equally reciprocate the intensity of affection that other people give us, then maybe most of the time we'd be happy.
the latest work was somekind of a childbirth. it was my first time as a single parent. i had no one to text or bug in the middle of the night. no one to merge minds for whatever reason or purpose. no one to help rear this child to full maturation. i miss that.
and while some part of me knows that anyone with the right passions would be perfectly capable of breezing through work life as i know it, it's not what i'm developing the blues (or the blahs) about. not the hollow. but what used to be there. i miss that.
well. could there be a more roundabout, more obscure, more annoyingly indirect, and eventually vaguer way of saying it?
my newest favorite songs: She Has No Time, Bedshaped, Somewhere Only We Know, We Might as Well Be Strangers, all by Keane.
speaking of Keane, , September 2 was Keanu Reeves' birthday. Happy 41st birthday, mid-90s poster boy.
it's the little dawdangies attached to what should be the essence. the froth and the flavor. the icing, the cherry on top. the stuff that i like to live for. haha. that's what i get the blahs-and-blues about.
i miss the surge of life that one feels when one is in the mood for creation. 24 hours ago was in one of my blankest hours. gwwrll. thanks to 1 san mig light, i'm a lot more loosened up now. happy birthday ate lina!
i miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, right down to the minutest detail. that feeling of something spilling out of you, that you know you haven't encountered before in conscious memory, and something that even you, as creator, can be pretty happy with. and you, as creator, will inevitably be proud of.
i miss that feeling of gliding through things, and not letting that ink point on the paper grow into a huge black spot. god i hate that. it fries the brain a bit bad.
maybe that's just how things lag when you're robbed of a bright spot on a bad day. lag and lag they do. on and on across the universe.
when back then, say seven days ago, things would've been a bit different. but in the long run, i suppose, it would probably be for the ultimate good. ice thaws under high pressure. is that correct or is it the other way around?
it was childbirth of the normal kind, because it lasted more or less 24 hours. haha. at outline pa lang yan. in between pauses, yosis, blog entries, fwendsters, and what-have-you. the outlines are the hardest for me. the dialogues flow like nature but constructing legos is something that my cogs-and-wheels need to invest a li'l more time on. which is out of the question in this field.
wonder how it would have been if i had gone caesarean, like i guess how someone i used to (think) i know would do, wonder how it would've been.
slit, desensitize, churn it out. knowing me, it wouldn't have been fun without the labor pains. you feel each and every heave that you bring upon yourself, each and every second under a deadline that is usually unbeaten, each and every puff of poison gas that you take in for the excuse of sanity, each and every word and image and idea that you wring out of your quasi-creator's system. and when the work is done--for the moment, at least--the contentment is trebled as compared to something that didn't require so much pain. you allow yourself to enjoy those idle moments, if only for the very basic achievement of having finished something.
but what i'm sad about right now is that i haven't tended to that real baby from the womb. i'll have to adopt other babies in the future, and adopt i must. it's either adopt or have your own. but not remain childless anymore, ever.
haha. talking to myself. i like metaphors. even those that i made myself. they're something short of codes.
like a bright spot on a bad day.
on other issues, it's funny how dreams can reveal what we know or don't know. believe or not believe. feel or not feel. a friend of mine told me about somebody's dream, and on any ordinary time it would have made me laugh. told another friend of mine about that dream and he laughed, too.
other than laughs, though, it also made me increase my nicotine intake for a while.
i never would have dreamed something like that. because no matter which way i comprehend it, i do not believe. and kooky as i might be, i could never nurture any illusions about it. you come to live with a certain truth long enough, not even your imagination or your ability for make-believe can bend things for happiness' sake. oops! bend...no pun intended! ;-)
who knows, maybe my subconscious is more grounded. maybe it's more sensible than the conscious. precisely why i do not dream dreams like that. even if i feel different when i'm awake.
okay, on to more reader-friendly notes.
it's funny, the idea that there are people who love you more than you love them. now if that would be the case everytime, maybe we'd all run the risk of being spoiled rotten. or taking things (and people) for granted. or valuing things for less than they are actually worth.
but it makes you somewhat guilty, too, and i'm not talking about my mom or my dad or any family member. there just are people whom you will grow to love and people you will simply like and people who will only be a part of the population to you. and you can belong to either of those three categories in other people's lives. now if only we can equally reciprocate the intensity of affection that other people give us, then maybe most of the time we'd be happy.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
the first and last after act three (right after fanatic)
Hey beloved lurkers, please watch the episode of QPIDS tomorrow. Its title is "Langit, Lupa"--a slice of life on an angry gurrrl who fell in love at 7 years old and was scarred for life when the boy she loved spurned her.
for those na naghahanap ng emotional depth chene,pwede rin syang tungkol sa sari-sarili nating versions of heaven, earth, and the space between.
this week, highlighting the mhyzel loveteam.
most high-recall lines in this ep for me:
Fashionista!
Coffee King
Barako ni Manang
Pappy Nelson
Pastilan!
Pappy JR
Aling Matimtiman
Baby Adolfo
Alwyn Marc
"MAgaHAgaLAga KIgiTAga!"
"nagmukha lang nga akong reglang tinubuan ng mukha, pero..."
"naaalala ko ang aking kadalagahan..."
"gosh, our boy is in growing up. he's in lurve. i like it."
"swerte siguro ng magiging boyfriend mo, janus..."
"aba aba aral yata sakin yan! hindi mo naitatanong dati akong kloseta noon!"
"sana lalake na lang ako para hindi na ko nasasaktan..."
at eextra din po dun si beatlebum. as one of the glamoroso backstage people. sosyal!
TOMORROW AFTERNOON. CHANNEL 2. RIGHT AFTER FANATIC.
for those na naghahanap ng emotional depth chene,pwede rin syang tungkol sa sari-sarili nating versions of heaven, earth, and the space between.
this week, highlighting the mhyzel loveteam.
most high-recall lines in this ep for me:
Fashionista!
Coffee King
Barako ni Manang
Pappy Nelson
Pastilan!
Pappy JR
Aling Matimtiman
Baby Adolfo
Alwyn Marc
"MAgaHAgaLAga KIgiTAga!"
"nagmukha lang nga akong reglang tinubuan ng mukha, pero..."
"naaalala ko ang aking kadalagahan..."
"gosh, our boy is in growing up. he's in lurve. i like it."
"swerte siguro ng magiging boyfriend mo, janus..."
"aba aba aral yata sakin yan! hindi mo naitatanong dati akong kloseta noon!"
"sana lalake na lang ako para hindi na ko nasasaktan..."
at eextra din po dun si beatlebum. as one of the glamoroso backstage people. sosyal!
TOMORROW AFTERNOON. CHANNEL 2. RIGHT AFTER FANATIC.
Friday, September 02, 2005
on soft focus
just when i'm about to start working, something comes along to distract me.
i thought i'm past that hurdle.
i just took a bath and i didn't want to smell smoke, but i had to light a cigarette. after dropping this line to myself i'm going to try to get back in line. and try not to brood over or mourn for things that i cannot change.
a note i wrote to myself two years ago, after a particularly distracting incident: think broad, bluey. think beyond the past and the present.
still applies now.
i thought i'm past that hurdle.
i just took a bath and i didn't want to smell smoke, but i had to light a cigarette. after dropping this line to myself i'm going to try to get back in line. and try not to brood over or mourn for things that i cannot change.
a note i wrote to myself two years ago, after a particularly distracting incident: think broad, bluey. think beyond the past and the present.
still applies now.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
old friends diary#3
she left when we were in grade 5. i was shattered. we wrote to each other a few times in the first six months. Soon the letters trickled down. Then one day they just stopped coming. I was growing up, moving on to other things, making new friends. But none had measured up to the bond I felt that i had with rojane.
last year i found her through friendster. i don't know why i was so surprised that she had grown up--was i expecting to see her as i remembered her then? funny. the little brown schoolgirl with the bangs had transformed into this...Lady. and the Lady's rose-petal poise didn't bear any traces of the unassuming candidness that had so endeared her to me then.
noooo!!! the 11-year-old kid in me screamed. bring the old rojane back!
took me some time to realize that i was just...hankering for the past again. wake up beeyatch. people grow up. people change. even i went through those transitions. i told myself that i was glad enough that i met her again. now the text messages are trickling down, but not because of physical distance. when back then we used to think like one person and enjoy the same kids' games, now we've grown into two separate lives. haha! cheesy dialogue.
can't help thinking. had i not met her again, maybe she'd have been elevated to myth status by now. The Friend that Got Away. The Ultimate Kindred Spirit. Eternally 11 years old in my mind.
Reality shatters your ideals, most of the time.
last year i found her through friendster. i don't know why i was so surprised that she had grown up--was i expecting to see her as i remembered her then? funny. the little brown schoolgirl with the bangs had transformed into this...Lady. and the Lady's rose-petal poise didn't bear any traces of the unassuming candidness that had so endeared her to me then.
noooo!!! the 11-year-old kid in me screamed. bring the old rojane back!
took me some time to realize that i was just...hankering for the past again. wake up beeyatch. people grow up. people change. even i went through those transitions. i told myself that i was glad enough that i met her again. now the text messages are trickling down, but not because of physical distance. when back then we used to think like one person and enjoy the same kids' games, now we've grown into two separate lives. haha! cheesy dialogue.
can't help thinking. had i not met her again, maybe she'd have been elevated to myth status by now. The Friend that Got Away. The Ultimate Kindred Spirit. Eternally 11 years old in my mind.
Reality shatters your ideals, most of the time.
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