another unpublished entry from the "baul": a love letter (i was ranting, yes, but underneath that, it was actually a love letter) to my then-fiance, now-husband.
i'm supposed to pretend na OFW ka. i'm supposed to make FRIGGIN DEADMA. and then you text making paawa. nahihirapan ka, etcetera. ako naman si gaga, naawa naman. hindi nga kita dapat kinakausap e! dahil HOY, nagtatampo pa ko sa yo! pero kawawa ka naman kaya ayan, kahit two curt words with a period binigay ko na. para naman wala ka ring maging rason para magtampo sa akin.
ngayon ano na naman? gusto ko nang magmura ah! tangina! number two commandment sa akin, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang goodnight! at ang number one commandment, wag na wag mong kakalimutan ang monthsarys!
AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, i hate your job. i've hated it even when it was still my job.
i was many months pregnant, extra clingy (hormones, maybe?), controlled by my hormones, longing for extra attention. sakto naman, naging busy sya nang sobra dahil sa bagong posisyon sa trabaho. my mind understood, but my heart---OH, my heart!---was rebelling. throwing tantrums all over the place. i was bratty, but really, all i wanted then was him by my side. being a father to our unborn child.
romantic pakinggan (blech), pero alam ko, mali. dapat naiintindihan, dahil nagdaan din ako sa trabahong yon. at nagtatrabaho sya noon, para sa baby namin. lesson learned, on retrospect: hinding hindi dapat nireresent ang trabaho ng bf/jowa/husband mo. blessing yan. at ginagawa nya rin naman yan para sa inyo.
pero natatawa ako sa sarili ko dito. ang petty lang, the preggy me of 5 years ago. or maybe hanggang ngayon ganyan pa rin ako. HAHA
Saturday, November 07, 2015
memories of my tita baby
Nahalungkat ko sa drafts inbox ko, an entry written 5 years ago. I have no idea why i didn't publish this. Pero reading this, nalungkot na naman ako. may kirot na naman, over losing an aunt who was somehow dear to me. during the last five years of her life i could say we hadn't been as close as before. pero ewan ko. i guess her death had been so unexpected, hanggang ngayon di pa rin mawala yung sakit.
last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.
so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.
during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.
when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.
hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.
now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love.
last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.
so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.
during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.
when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.
hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.
now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love.
Thursday, November 05, 2015
never trust a faney
kahit gaano pa katalino o kaedukado. a faney's opinion will often be influenced by their emotions.
ang naive ko lang talaga siguro, to believe that you actually share the same universal (at least, in this little universe that we have) standards of what is somehow good. pero hindi, biased talaga kayo.
lagyan mo lang ng kilig. make C utter sweet nothings. slather on the cheese and the honey all over, it doesn't matter if it's boring or not. they will always say OMG, best episode ever.
it's the kilig they're after, not the aesthetics. so fuck it, give it to them. shove it up their arses. para everyday, "best episode ever".
ako na mismo, sumasakit na ang ngipin ko sa mga pinagsasasabi ni C. at ako na to ha, na faney din somehow ni C. close to diri factor na (okay, exagg) sa pagiging cheesy ni boy pero taena, nginig na nginig naman sila. bentang benta. best...episode...ever,
sana lahat kayo may mga box ano? para laging best ratings ever.
ako na mismo, sumasakit na ang ngipin ko sa mga pinagsasasabi ni C. at ako na to ha, na faney din somehow ni C. close to diri factor na (okay, exagg) sa pagiging cheesy ni boy pero taena, nginig na nginig naman sila. bentang benta. best...episode...ever,
sana lahat kayo may mga box ano? para laging best ratings ever.
di naman ako halatang inis ano?
para lang kasi akong L na nagtiwala sa nanay nya. only to realize that shit. i've been believing in a frickin pile of shit all along. no, hindi sila level headed peeps. they can try to rationalize why they're inis all they want, but the truth is, all they really want is the kilig. which is kind of an annoying fact, for someone who wants to tell a good story
naive, naive, infantile me. you faneys, might be the death of me.
Sunday, November 01, 2015
there's something about memories
sa sinusulat namin ngayon, may kaunting homage akong gustong gawin sa moments na lumilipas na worth i-immortalizing, lest you forget them and lose them forever. i used to call them my time capsules 10 years ago (time capsule #2 back then were memories i had of my then-suitor, now-husband). sa kwento namin ngayon, L calls them H@ppy M3m0ries.
naghalungkat ako sa archives and i realized i'd been keeping happy memory items since 10 or 11 years ago.
2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!
2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.
let me continue that.
2007. hmm. what? oh, yeah. MD@FI. the smell of the place. the cream walls. the lectures in that little room, the headaches that came after. and of course, the carpool gang. the laughter. the tears (oh, they did come, in the end). sa lahat ng yon, ang pinakatumatak for me were the carpool friendships. para kaming mga college kids. i was so happy then, i should've known, may equivalent na lungkot yun later.
2008. that movie. that compound. day in, day out. night in, night out. "hell" was the only word that would come to mind. i hated everything about that shoot. everything. i was literally smoking two packs of cigs a day. kung kaya lang lumuha ng dugo dahil sa dusa at sama ng loob, i would've bled to death. i hated that memory, and yet it was the most vivid memory of 2008.
but was it? nah. the most vivid memory was the Interrogation. but i think that happened on dec 27 or 28. so technically, that was 2007. ironically, it didn't register in me much. siguro kasi, sobrang sakit nya parang kinalimutan ko na lang yung detalye. i couldn't dwell on the memory, baka mabaliw ako. haha.
christmas 2008 was memorable, too. the Christmas of the Broke and Broken. iisang tao lang yun, ako. walang pera, basag ang mga pangarap, not knowing what the future would bring. but love had been there, love had made everything so much easier to bear. kaya nga hindi kita masyadong masakyan Leyang Maarte. kahit ako pa ang tumipa sa mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo. NABUBWISIT PA RIN AKO SA YO.
i would NEVER punish my osobear for the things that other people did to me. at least, not consciously. and not immediately.
pero hanggat walang sinasabi ang mga diyos. deadma sa lahat.
2009. katorse. aww. our afternoons in tierra bella, at our headwriter's house. a new career was born for me.
2010. giving birth. the way she looked when she first came out, 5 seconds old. i can still remember how long she'd been (around 11 inches?) and her torso was yellow brown. my beautiful daughter. the love of my life, a gift from the man that i love.
the civil wedding, ironically, didn't make a big mark. siguro kasi ang dami kong iniisip nung time na yon. (read: script DEADLINE) literally, i was like, ok, break muna. ikakasal lang ako. tapos pagkakasal, back to writing. haha. worst feeling in the world. you only get married for the first time once, and WORK gets in the way! haha. not complaining though. i've been very lucky, very blest with work. my family needs it and i'm forever grateful for the opporunities to earn.
dahil may dealdine pa, hanggang dito na lang muna. 2011 onwards. worht thinkng about.
naghalungkat ako sa archives and i realized i'd been keeping happy memory items since 10 or 11 years ago.
2005. brainstorms with beatlebum, frog princess, and floda for the kiligshow. cheapsteaks, IO, and especially for you. that was fun, and that time masyado akong busy sa funny-sad subplot ng real life to realize how fun everything else was. ha!ha!
2006. da big haus. the money was fun. and the work would've eventually become fun, too, probably, somehow, if i had stayed. i was miserable back then but looking back now, i'll always remember that racket. blowing out smoke in the balcony, stressing out in the control room, stressing out in the spotting room. working alongside osobear, cringing at his corny hirits. haha. he was so corny i couldn't help but laugh.
let me continue that.
2007. hmm. what? oh, yeah. MD@FI. the smell of the place. the cream walls. the lectures in that little room, the headaches that came after. and of course, the carpool gang. the laughter. the tears (oh, they did come, in the end). sa lahat ng yon, ang pinakatumatak for me were the carpool friendships. para kaming mga college kids. i was so happy then, i should've known, may equivalent na lungkot yun later.
2008. that movie. that compound. day in, day out. night in, night out. "hell" was the only word that would come to mind. i hated everything about that shoot. everything. i was literally smoking two packs of cigs a day. kung kaya lang lumuha ng dugo dahil sa dusa at sama ng loob, i would've bled to death. i hated that memory, and yet it was the most vivid memory of 2008.
but was it? nah. the most vivid memory was the Interrogation. but i think that happened on dec 27 or 28. so technically, that was 2007. ironically, it didn't register in me much. siguro kasi, sobrang sakit nya parang kinalimutan ko na lang yung detalye. i couldn't dwell on the memory, baka mabaliw ako. haha.
christmas 2008 was memorable, too. the Christmas of the Broke and Broken. iisang tao lang yun, ako. walang pera, basag ang mga pangarap, not knowing what the future would bring. but love had been there, love had made everything so much easier to bear. kaya nga hindi kita masyadong masakyan Leyang Maarte. kahit ako pa ang tumipa sa mga sinasabi mo at ginagawa mo. NABUBWISIT PA RIN AKO SA YO.
i would NEVER punish my osobear for the things that other people did to me. at least, not consciously. and not immediately.
pero hanggat walang sinasabi ang mga diyos. deadma sa lahat.
2009. katorse. aww. our afternoons in tierra bella, at our headwriter's house. a new career was born for me.
2010. giving birth. the way she looked when she first came out, 5 seconds old. i can still remember how long she'd been (around 11 inches?) and her torso was yellow brown. my beautiful daughter. the love of my life, a gift from the man that i love.
the civil wedding, ironically, didn't make a big mark. siguro kasi ang dami kong iniisip nung time na yon. (read: script DEADLINE) literally, i was like, ok, break muna. ikakasal lang ako. tapos pagkakasal, back to writing. haha. worst feeling in the world. you only get married for the first time once, and WORK gets in the way! haha. not complaining though. i've been very lucky, very blest with work. my family needs it and i'm forever grateful for the opporunities to earn.
dahil may dealdine pa, hanggang dito na lang muna. 2011 onwards. worht thinkng about.
CAN'T WAIT FOR FEBRUARY!
writing, writing nearly everyday. not complaining. because writing means earning money. and money means more free time to buy for myself someday.
counting,counting every now and then. i save first, spend when i need to. thank you lord, for new adventures in the future, sana lang mabigyan po kami ng mas mahabang oras pa to develop and write them.
lighthouses. the reach is wide because of the medium. you want to reach out to more people, you do it here.
i'm deaf,dumb, and blind. manhid na rin ako. the ones airing this week and half of last week wasn't mine. kaya hindi kasingsakit as compared to, say, dumaan sa akin o nanggaling sa akin.
tamad me. right now. the flat tire last script week, guess the frick what?? they LIKED it. and that somehow disturbs me. because magkaiba kami ng taste.
ang mga faney lang ang maiingay at mareklamo sa totoo lang. ang mga diyos, tahimik.
pero paano yung kadiyos-dyosan? faney din yun e.
well, thank god i don't get to face her. you see, i'm writing, writing nearly everyday. too busy for those things.
counting,counting every now and then. i save first, spend when i need to. thank you lord, for new adventures in the future, sana lang mabigyan po kami ng mas mahabang oras pa to develop and write them.
lighthouses. the reach is wide because of the medium. you want to reach out to more people, you do it here.
i'm deaf,dumb, and blind. manhid na rin ako. the ones airing this week and half of last week wasn't mine. kaya hindi kasingsakit as compared to, say, dumaan sa akin o nanggaling sa akin.
tamad me. right now. the flat tire last script week, guess the frick what?? they LIKED it. and that somehow disturbs me. because magkaiba kami ng taste.
ang mga faney lang ang maiingay at mareklamo sa totoo lang. ang mga diyos, tahimik.
pero paano yung kadiyos-dyosan? faney din yun e.
well, thank god i don't get to face her. you see, i'm writing, writing nearly everyday. too busy for those things.
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