save me

gloomy, chilly morning.

not looking forward to work tomorrow. i haven't been looking forward to work for quite some time now.

it gets pretty tiring. it was fun in the first two or three years. and then you find yourself looking for more. looking to do more, to become more.

moving on. growing up. getting there. same old, same old.

* * *

i love school. it gives me somekinduva new hope.
yesterday, i got to manually set up a camera that's ready for shooting. from its legs to its limbs to its neck to its eye. bolts, joints, hinges. the camera grips at work could do this in a matter of minutes. my partner monj and i did it in about ten.

lectures-wise, we're getting onto the production side of the art now, which is something that i witness every shooting day for the past three years. somehow it trivializes all that. i'm made to realize that we need to get all the technical/logistic stuff out of the way so that we could focus more on the creative process, which is the most important of all.

i love school. i'm hoping that it would save me.

* * *

must be the hormones. but i'm feeling as chilly and gloomy as this day. solace and sanctuary. heroes and saviors. been finding myself seeking, needing, longing for those more often these days.

but you can't do that to people. you shouldn't expect them to always be there when you need them; they have their own problems to deal with. and so you're left with your cigarettes. your bestfriends. they would gladly let you drain the happiness out of them if that's what you need to get you through the day.

at the end of the day, everybody needs someone to go home to.

happy inanities

ang sarap magpahinga!
ang sarap ng nasa bahay lang.
lalo na pag umuulan sa labas.
at may mainit na pan-de-pugon with mainit na kape.
at maraming dvds ang naghihintay na mapiling Movie for the Day.

alas, hindi rin ako nakapanood ng dvds. dahil itinulog ko lang ang araw.
pero may pan-de-pugon, at mainit na kape. at pamilya. at ang premiere ng zaido at lastikman.

ang chaka ng zaido. fan ako ng shaider e. crush namin ng pinsan ko noon si alexis (rip). at aliw na aliw kami sa panty ni annie (parang wala lang kasi sa kanya kahit nakikita na). ang guwapo ni dennis trillo (as always) pero not as fresh as i remembered him to be. karel marquez stands out like a sore thumb sa mundo ng pulis pangkalawakan, ironically because ang liit-liit nyang tingnan next to the 6-footer ian de leon. pang-party girl kasi ang hairdo e, sana man lang ginawang no-nonsense para bumagay sa uniform. ang speaking of her uniform, medyo namutok ang ang lola mo ha. tsk tsk. sayang, di naalagaan.

ano naman ang nasa mukha ni diana zubiri? nakaka-distract. tinago ang gandang mukha. parang lubid na pinagsala-salabid na nagpapa-avant garde art effect.

in fairness naman ke ida (paolo ballesteros in drag), maganda sya. parang iza calzado, keri ang pagka-mujer.

kaso, si kooma le-ar, parang may clitoris sa noo. yuck. ni hindi nga sumasabay ang buka ng bibig sa voiceover. at parang sumasayaw sa variety show ang mga alagad nya nung sumasamba sila with a dance ritual. sa orig shaider, eerie-creepy ang pagkakamount. sa zaido, parang dance number. na nabitin pa kasi nag-commercial na.

wala lang, like a true-blue fan of the orig, nakaka-disappoint. kasi nako-compare ko. kaya hindi ko na tinapos. kung meron mang magandang merits ang zaido beyond the first and second bodies, di ko na nasaksihan, kasi nilipat ko na sa lastikman.

first body lang ng lastikman ang napanood ko. in fairness. keri ko ang mahabang bridge fight sequence. efek kung efek. crush ko din tong si vhong navarro noon (makakatrabaho ko sya! yahoo!), pero hindi naman talaga ang ka-pogian (?!) ni vhong ang shinoshowcase sa lastikman. which sits well with me, kasi la naman ako paki. haha. interesting ang first body pero kinailangan ko nang bumili ng pan-de-pugon, so di ko na sya tinapos.

hahay. sarap lang maglagi sa bahay. at manood ng tv. pero talagang hindi ako fan ng tv e. hindi ko nga matapos-tapos ang kahit isang show. maigsi attention span ko.

bukas, pasok sa school. yehey. this time sana freshness naman ako for a change. kaya matutulog na ko.

goodnight world!

things to be happy about today

1.it's a rainy day. love rainy days.
2. na-pack up ang shoot sa pampanga. that means makakapahinga ko in time for...
3. ...the start of a new movie tomorrow. i love starting movies. finishing them is somehow much harder. but i manage. di pa naman ako nang-iwan ng project sa kalagitnaan, hehe. knock on wood!
4.will be seeing the big brown baby bear today. yehey!


untaintedly happy days seem kinda rare these days. buti na lang patapos na ang compost. last two or three days to go.

nag-absent na naman ako kahapon sa film school. wah, bad girl. direk marilou pa naman yun. there's one film that our teacher has elevated to "textbook" status for the entire curriculum: "billy elliott", that indie britfilm about a boy who wanted to be a ballet dancer. ewan ko ba, pag naririnig ko yung theme song nya ("i was a dancer when i was 12..."), para kong nato-trauma.

or nape-pressure, is more like it. haha.

four days to go?

four shooting days to go. or so they say.
from the looks of it, though, we'll be stretching out to 6 or 7 shooting days more. because we're talking realistic figures here. not the ones that are projected in accordance to what budget we have, pero pang-adik naman dahil sa bigat at dami ng mga eksena per day.

best effort. that's their favorite phrase.

packup. that's mine.

* * *

a new project is starting this week, but i won't be there in the first three or four days because of compost. i would have preferred to see a project through from beginning to end but times require it. good luck na lang talaga sakin.

day off

tama ang isa kong katrabaho nang sinabi nyang isang araw lang talaga ang day-off namin sa project compost. kahit three times a week lang ang shoot.

kasi, every shooting day, 24 hours. so yung susunod na araw na supposedly walang shoot, itutulog mo na lang.

w-f-sun kami, kaya yung thursday, actually, pantulog na lang yon bago ka magtrabaho ulit. yung monday naman, ganon din. kaya actually, tuesdays lang ang pahinga.

eh tuesdays, me klase ako. saturday, me klase din ako. kaya tulog lang talaga ang pahinga.

exhaustion. mental, physical. mag-memorize ka, magsulat ka, tumakbo ka, pay attention, attention, attention. in between takes naman, magyosi ka. mag-angst ka. magpakaexistential ka kung may mahaba-habang hintayan. but at the end of the day, it's still the same. pagod ka.

minsan napapagod na ko sa kaka-analyze kung bakit nakakapagod mag-shoot. nung nagsusulat ako, nung story ed ako, pagod din ako. pero nakaupo lang ako, nasa bahay lang ako, or nung brief stint ko sa pee-bee-bee, nasa Bahay ako ni kuya (kung san may aircon 24/7 at kembot lang ang physical activity ko). masakit sa ulo, binabayaran ka kung anong maibibigay ng utak mo, hindi ng katawan mo, pero hindi, iba pa ring klase ng pagod pag utak at katawan ang nire-require sa yo for a week's wages. ang saturation na mararamdaman mo pag sumigaw ng "Action" at nag-roll ang camera at kelangan mong magmulti-tasking, internally and externally.

mahal ko pa naman ang trabaho, pero syempre laging nasa back-of-my-mind, i'm in the right place but not in the position i aspire the most. that's why i look forward to tuesdays and saturdays everytime. kasi binibigyan nya ko pag-asa. na i can be more than what i am required to be now.

lagi namang issue ang pera, lalo na ngayong nag-aaral ako at andaming exlusivity clauses sa kontrata. kaya kahit ayoko na munang tumanggap ng "raket" after Project Compost, kelangan pa rin. nahihiya ako sa parents ko, kasi parang ineexpect nila na bubuhayin ko na sila. minsan the thought invites itself in, na kung para sa pamilya ko lang, i would go the more conventional, "normal" path, that is to take on a steady-paying, high-paying corporate job. at least dun kaya ko silang buhayin. at least dun hindi ako maarawan, o mapupuyat, o maiinitan sa airconditioned na mga opisina. at makakapagsuot pa ko ng mala-pasyonistang office girl outfits.

pero hindi. nakapili na ko ng path na tatahakin ko. for life na siguro ito. and i'm glad that my parents understand. pero kahit na naiintindihan nila, alam kong ang laki ng expectations nila sa pag-aaral ko. na eventually, soon or someday, the jobs that it would give me would eventually provide for the whole family. na eventually, maging mas financially lucrative pa sya sa isang steady, high-paying corporate job.

nakakatakot ang expectations na ganon, na kahit hindi nila i-verbalize, palpable pa rin. kasi walang may hawak sa future. and i can only do so much, na hanggang ngayon eh hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano. pag nasa punto na ko ng ganitong pagmumuni-muni, pinapasa-diyos ko na lang. dahil kung ano ang hindi kaya ng tao, for sure kaya ng diyos.

pagkatapos ng project compost, ideally sana makapag-focus ako sa pag-aaral. manood ng mga pelikula in between classes. mag-aral nang mag-aral. if we only lived in an ideal world, siguro pwede.

to-do

distracted. bothered. something nags at me, a splinter in my brain.

i must've used up all the delaying tactics in the catalogue. watch a movie muna. mag-internet muna. kumain muna. maligo muna. mamaya na...mamaya na.

but it won't go away so long as it's undone. paksyet. assignment pa lang to ha. OA talaga.

i hate writing precisely because of this.

* * *

infinite fear. of facing that blank page. i feel like the most inarticulate, unimaginative person each time the moment comes.

infinite fear. of things imagined. of things that i would only see in other cases. it rubs off. i spew it out, every now and then. just to know if everything is alright. if there is nothing to fear.

questions. probing, questions.

* * *

meals taste better. time flies. doing nothing couldn't bore me. and there's nowhere else that i would want to be.

there are things to do. TTD for every day. it's on the list, everyday, since last last saturday. i'm sleepy now. i'm blogging when i should be doing something else.

didn't like hairspray all that much. but the performances were cute. and that dude from High School Musical has grown up to be such a cutie. and james marsden looks hot. and yes, travolta has managed to convince me for two hours that he was a woman.

bbbb, you would never run out of corny jokes. and i've grown to love that about you. just as i've grown to love your huggable baby fats (reminds me of my big fat baby brother). love it when you don't use that sticky bench thingie on your hair, when you put on that Big Brown Baby Bear jacket of yours, when you do a show-and-tell of action figurines for sale in the specialty stores, when you make the cafeteria seem like such a yummy place to eat in, when you make Kopiko coffee taste like gourmet, when you stand there and do nothing and somehow manage to make the day interesting. don't change. ever.

and yes, i love watching you water the bonsai on your office window. just when i thought that i would have to remind you to do so. you're so much more caring than me.

it's so much easier summoning easy thoughts, mundane thoughts, thoughts that wouldn't require me to think and create. i'm such a wuz. damn these things-to-do. but there's not other way around it but to just plunge right through it.

saturday sunshine

have a class today. i'm running late.
no assignment done.
glorious!

have to meet someone at 1230. and i have less than an hour to fix myself up.
the sun is a-beatin down on these tree-lined paths.
which makes this day just simply magnificent.

kahit maraming hindi perfect sa araw na to, masaya pa rin ako. dahil WALANG SHOOT IN THE NEXT THREE DAYS!

WOOOHOOOO! i need that break, thank you!

shop talk statistics: project compost

projected number of days before principal photography finishes: 8 working days
my expected number of days before principal photography finishes: 10 working days
maximum number of hours in one working day: 29 hours (6am til 11am the next day)
minimum number of hours in one working day: 16 hours
my favorite word in shoptalk vocabulary: "Packup!"
least favorite word in shoptalk vocabulary: "Run-out!"

hay. parang hindi sya matapos-tapos. and yet ayoko syang matapos, kasi kelangan ko sya, financially.

mother knows best

torn between two values.

money versus passion.
temporary advantages versus the long term.

buti kong pwede kong makuha pareho. but it seems like that wouldn't be possible in this case. one way or another, kahit makuha ko pa pareho, the other would suffer. the passion choice would suffer.

ang hirap. paksyet. minsan may mga opportunities na parang once in a lifetime lang magpaparamdam. pero OA naman yon. gusto ko lang makapunta ng batanes. at gusto ko lang ng income habang nag-aaral.

the adventure. i fell in love with my job because of the adventure. yun ang kelangan kong balikan. yun ang missing sa project compost.

but other things matter as well. things that would matter more, eventually, in the long run.

sabi ng nanay ko, there will be other chances.

mother knows best? di kaya?

ahhhh!

* * *

may nabasa ako. parang bumulusok ang dugo sa ulo ko. buti na lang may isang sentence na nagsasabi ng time factor. and that one sentence matters a lot.

the time factor made all the difference.

buti na lang. otherwise, i would be very, very unhappy.

* * *

trust. isa sa mga sources of fulfillment sa current day job. pag pinagtitiwalaan ka ng pinagtatrabahuhan mo.

dun na lang ako kumukuha ng lakas.

* * *

your job doesn't define you, yes. but it's how you do your job that will say a lot about you.

scriptcon? ano yon? the outsider would wonder.
assistant director, gets pa.
nung olden times nga sa pelikula, walang scriptcon. and films still got made.
pero kung bubusisiin mo ang isang pelikula, marami palang trabahong pwedeng ibigay sa isang taong may role ng scriptcon. yun nga lang, pwede namang makagawa ng pelikulang hindi bubusisiin.

kaya ang final analysis ko, actually, hindi kasama ang scriptcon sa mga fundamental roles sa isang production team. offshoot lang sya ng assistant director job. extension sya ng AD.

yung iba ginagawang entry level job sa pelikula ang pagii-scriptcon. yung iba napapagkamalang PA ang scriptcon. yung iba binabarat ang TF ng scriptcon. minsan naiinis ako. naiinsulto ako. minsan naiisip ko na wag nang tumanggap ng scriptcon job. kasi napaka-underrated, sa totoo lang. underrated and underpaid, kung iisipin mo.

kaya yung ibang scriptcon, nagre-retire at nag-aasawa na lang. yung iba, nage-AD. yung iba, nag-aabroad at nagiging caregiver/cruise photographer/telephone operator.

nung mag-AD ako, na-realize ko na mas nahihirapan pa ko sa trabaho ko as scriptcon kesa trabaho ko as AD. mas madaling gumawa ng shooting schedules, o magpadouble time sa mga crew, o tumulong mag-mount ng eksena para sa direktor. pero nakakasakit ng ulo ang scriptcon job, dahil dapat mentally present ka palagi, at lagi kang nagsusulat. nag-AD na ko sa dalawang feature projects, at dun ko na-realize na hindi ko kayang mag-AD at scriptcon at the same time. na malaki pala ang dependence ko sa scriptcon, at kasama na dun yung emotional dependence. pero hindi lahat ng tao sa production, nakikita yon. kasi, kami lang ang nagkakaintindihan.

up until one year ago, may secret belief ako na tanging Assistant Director lang ang makaka-appreciate sa trabaho ng isang scriptcon. pero i was proven wrong. sanga lang ang scriptcon ng AD pero naka-konekta sya sa direktor. at malaking pampalubag loob, pamawi ng pagod puyat at burnout, pag ang direktor mismo ang mag-aacknowledge na nakakonekta ka sa kanya, na kailangan ka nya, na pinagtitiwalaan ka nya. ang you feel that your work is vindicated, na may hustisya pa rin sa mundo kahit hindi mo laging nakukuha ang gusto mo, dahil alam mo na you have worked to earn that trust, that you've given your best efforts to earn it, and you would do your damn best to keep it, dahil isa yon sa mga bagay na hindi mapapantayan ng pera o prestige.

kahit na. kaya lang ako nagscriptcon at AD dahil gusto kong maging direktor. eto na. binbigyan na ko ng pagkakataon. kung may isang bagay na once in a lifetime lang darating sa yo, siguro ito na yon.

hindi mawawala ang batanes. unless lumubog sya.
money will always be earned, so long as you're working for it.
prestige projects will come along again, god willing.

pero isang beses ka lang papag-aralin ng isang kumpanya. isang beses ka lang pagtitiwalaan enough para mag-invest ng pera sa yo.

at tama ang nanay ko all along (kahit na-sense kong nanghihinayang din sya sa possible income na mawawala). studies first, above all else.