kilala nyo ba si estrella alfon?
yung cebuana fiction writer who wrote the short story "magnificence".
deceased na sya, but i need to contact her family members. school project of vital importance.
if you can help me, will really appreciate it. pakiforward na rin po sa mga kakilala nyo. :-)
reply lang kayo dito ha :-) or email me at keanu_dudette@yahoo.com.
thank you thank you!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
yesterday
watched "lust, caution". loved it. especially the script, and the performances of tony leung and the girl who played wong. the ending was sad but powerful, and somehow further reinforced my suspicion that women are emotional by nature. (suspicion pa ba yon? haha).
ate at mexicali for the first time. loved it. enchiladas with rice and salad. sour cream in tomatoes. heavenly. wanna go back for more.
happy, happy, happiness. i thank god for an answered little prayer.
ate at mexicali for the first time. loved it. enchiladas with rice and salad. sour cream in tomatoes. heavenly. wanna go back for more.
happy, happy, happiness. i thank god for an answered little prayer.
Friday, October 26, 2007
because now is just a shot of vodka..
happy or sad, good or bad, i shouldn't let the present consume me.
dahil mahaba pa ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay.
and the present is just a droplet in the timepool. a bleep in the timeline. a shot of vodka on a long long night.
naalala ko tuloy nung isang gabi. i let myself get drunk like there was no tomorrow. sadya, pero how ungraceful. ang resulta, alas dose pa lang, knock out na ko. i had drunk too much, too fast. na-miss ko tuloy ang best part of the party. at hanggang ngayon, stuck lang ako sa memories ng what little time i had enjoyed, before i was out cold.
lesson: hindi dapat magpakalunod, dahil mahaba-haba pa ang inuman.
you think you're going through the best or worst times of your life. you could be wrong. the future can promise better things. or worse things. hanggang may ulirat ka, hindi pa tapos ang inuman. whatever happens, at least you're sober. you've got your head above water, and armed with a healthy dose of self-preserving detachment.
* * *
and to be able to detach, you need to zoom out sometimes. zoom way out. and in doing this, ironically, you can think outside of yourself.
* * *
shet. i want to quit smoking. yucky habit. not to mention deadly.
dahil mahaba pa ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay.
and the present is just a droplet in the timepool. a bleep in the timeline. a shot of vodka on a long long night.
naalala ko tuloy nung isang gabi. i let myself get drunk like there was no tomorrow. sadya, pero how ungraceful. ang resulta, alas dose pa lang, knock out na ko. i had drunk too much, too fast. na-miss ko tuloy ang best part of the party. at hanggang ngayon, stuck lang ako sa memories ng what little time i had enjoyed, before i was out cold.
lesson: hindi dapat magpakalunod, dahil mahaba-haba pa ang inuman.
you think you're going through the best or worst times of your life. you could be wrong. the future can promise better things. or worse things. hanggang may ulirat ka, hindi pa tapos ang inuman. whatever happens, at least you're sober. you've got your head above water, and armed with a healthy dose of self-preserving detachment.
* * *
and to be able to detach, you need to zoom out sometimes. zoom way out. and in doing this, ironically, you can think outside of yourself.
* * *
shet. i want to quit smoking. yucky habit. not to mention deadly.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
1:00 am
skul skul, skul bukol.
for the past two weeks my world has mostly been school. masaya, ito ang gusto ko. ito ang wish ko. ang makapagcontrate sa pag-aaral at makapagpahinga. i'm happy that the shoots have been put on hold, for selfish reasons. but the fact that there would be no paycheck for the next two weeks mars the happiness a bit bad. i find myself worrying.
nah! god is good and wise. he has plans.
what can i say about school. i'm so looking forward to the time when it would be my turn to direct a drill. like ted, like monj, perhaps like everybody else in class who hasn't done it. hay. the dream.
inaantok na ko. wala lang, gusto ko lang magsulat dito. haha. excited about halloween. excited about the long weekend. excited about the rest of my life.
haha. umo-optimist ba ito. hindi rin. basta. nagpapaanod lang ako sa agos these days. laging takot malunod, syempre--hindi na siguro mawawala yon--pero basically, trying to lie on my back and let the tide take me where god wants me to be.
trying is the keyword. cause there's a hunger somewhere in this psyche that just wouldn't leave me in peace.
for the past two weeks my world has mostly been school. masaya, ito ang gusto ko. ito ang wish ko. ang makapagcontrate sa pag-aaral at makapagpahinga. i'm happy that the shoots have been put on hold, for selfish reasons. but the fact that there would be no paycheck for the next two weeks mars the happiness a bit bad. i find myself worrying.
nah! god is good and wise. he has plans.
what can i say about school. i'm so looking forward to the time when it would be my turn to direct a drill. like ted, like monj, perhaps like everybody else in class who hasn't done it. hay. the dream.
inaantok na ko. wala lang, gusto ko lang magsulat dito. haha. excited about halloween. excited about the long weekend. excited about the rest of my life.
haha. umo-optimist ba ito. hindi rin. basta. nagpapaanod lang ako sa agos these days. laging takot malunod, syempre--hindi na siguro mawawala yon--pero basically, trying to lie on my back and let the tide take me where god wants me to be.
trying is the keyword. cause there's a hunger somewhere in this psyche that just wouldn't leave me in peace.
Monday, October 22, 2007
kahapon, habang nagpapatay ako ng oras sa galleria bago umuwi, dumaan ako sa pinsan ko na nagtatrabaho sa toy store.
promo girl sya. roommate ko sya dati sa bahay. dati, aalis sya, darating, aalis uli, yun lang ang alam ko sa trabaho nya. pero kahapon nakita ko sya at work, maybe for a few hours, at parang first time ko actually na-realize kung ano ba ang tinatiyaga nya every single hour of a work day since six months ago.
nakatayo buong maghapon. nakatunganga pag walang customer. pag merong customer, sales-talk to the max. at pag hindi bumili yung customer, nakaka-frustrate. nafu-frustrate akong tingnan sya. kasi nakita kong lumaki itong pinsan ko, at alam ko kung anong kaya pa nyang gawin. bukod sa pagtayo, pagtunganga, pagbenta ng mga laruan sa mga customer.
naalala ko tuloy yung indie movie na 3ndo. actually, binabasa ko pa lang ang skrip ng 3ndo, yung pinsan ko na ang nasa isip ko. nung shinushoot namin ang 3ndo, hanggang sa napanood ko na ang 3ndo, sabi ko, dapat mapanood nya to. kasi makaka-relate sya. yung bida sa 3ndo, naniniwalang wala syang ibang choice kundi tanggapin ang mga contractual nyang trabaho. kampante na sya sa ganong buhay, kahit na pwede pa syang mag-effort para makakuha ng better options. parang nakikita ko ang pinsan ko sa kanya. i know she can do more. it's a question of whether she wants to. or wants it enough to make a few sacrifices.
wala lang. na-depress lang ako ng konti.
promo girl sya. roommate ko sya dati sa bahay. dati, aalis sya, darating, aalis uli, yun lang ang alam ko sa trabaho nya. pero kahapon nakita ko sya at work, maybe for a few hours, at parang first time ko actually na-realize kung ano ba ang tinatiyaga nya every single hour of a work day since six months ago.
nakatayo buong maghapon. nakatunganga pag walang customer. pag merong customer, sales-talk to the max. at pag hindi bumili yung customer, nakaka-frustrate. nafu-frustrate akong tingnan sya. kasi nakita kong lumaki itong pinsan ko, at alam ko kung anong kaya pa nyang gawin. bukod sa pagtayo, pagtunganga, pagbenta ng mga laruan sa mga customer.
naalala ko tuloy yung indie movie na 3ndo. actually, binabasa ko pa lang ang skrip ng 3ndo, yung pinsan ko na ang nasa isip ko. nung shinushoot namin ang 3ndo, hanggang sa napanood ko na ang 3ndo, sabi ko, dapat mapanood nya to. kasi makaka-relate sya. yung bida sa 3ndo, naniniwalang wala syang ibang choice kundi tanggapin ang mga contractual nyang trabaho. kampante na sya sa ganong buhay, kahit na pwede pa syang mag-effort para makakuha ng better options. parang nakikita ko ang pinsan ko sa kanya. i know she can do more. it's a question of whether she wants to. or wants it enough to make a few sacrifices.
wala lang. na-depress lang ako ng konti.
post-hangover thoughts
drunk. numbed. out cold.
that night, from memory, was one big happy blur.
three shots of tequila, two bottles of beer, and the beeyatch couldn't contain it. argh, inexperienced drunk-o. but i went there prepared to get myself drunk. best time, best timing, best company, best everything.
and the best thing about bein drunk is that you forget. even yourself, and your so-called self-containing inhibitions. everything flies out the window, and you with it, and for as long as you're awake you're flying inside your head, with no thought to falling. lost in your own cloud, literally and else.
but if one of the best things about being drunk is that you lose your sense-of-shame, the worst thing about it is that the next day you quickly regain it. when you're up and sober, and that happy creature that you remember of yourself the night before comes back to haunt you. oh she-et. sense of shame.
in this case though there was no shame, nothing of the intense kind. just some sort of panghihinayang, because i was out cold before the real fun actually happened, which WAS a shame because the reason you get yourself drunk is you want to (cliche) forget it all and have pure untainted fun. but after three shots of tequila and two bottles of beer and a trip to the pantry with the bros, i plopped on the sofa and neatly passed out. asleep, while everyone else was partying. a shame. i missed out on half the night.
before all that, everything else was a happy blur. vibrant, slowmo-ed. larger than life in this soused little mind of mine. the movies that we saw. the laughter, the dancing, the beer chugging on that strange little funnel-and-pipe contraption, the nintendo wii, the first of the new guests, my strange bonding with the bathroom sink. and then, zzz.
before all that, at round midnight, somebody texted me. about to go to bed now, gudnyt! on any other night it would've been something to cap my day and tuck me to bed happy, but that night i was too...out of myself to even reply right.
gudnyt.i punched in the wrong button. the period was not supposed to be a period. it sounded terse, cold, angry, which i wasn't.
tried to erase the period, but ended up sending it instead. she-et. so i resent the gudnyt, this time with !, now that sounds happy. something to tuck someone to bed at peace, with the fact that someone wants him to sleep well.
and sleep the night away he did, unaware that i was blacking out somewhere, and couldn't even walk a straight line to the front door, and had been doin some serious mind-altering partying inside my head, things that he himself had probably not done in years. unaware, this dude is, and would've been displeased at the way i held my liquor that night, if he had known. but i couldn't care less. life's a busy highway for you and me sweetie, but in the most different of ways. do what you need to do, and i would do what i want to do right now, cause i would rather be busy being happy than be anything else these days.
diversion, distraction, detour. just a way to forget that i'm missing you, and will be missing you more in the coming weeks.
and yes, i know. we gotta do what we're paid to do.
* * *
speaking of which. there's one project that i absolutely do not look forward to finishing. even if i was paid to do what i must do.
last sunday, hindi ako nakapagsimba dahil sa kanya. meeting daw, tapos at the last minute, kinansel. kumusta naman yun. nasa meeting place na ko e. di ko na tuloy naisipang magsimba, nakalimutan ko na. bad girl talaga ko.
if i had no word of honor i would've bailed out of this project to AD for my favorite newbie director. minsan naiisip ko, sana wala na lang akong word of honor. minsan lang naman. pero at this point, di na dapat iniisip. no choice. finish what you've begun. buti na lang november pa sya magre-resume. buti na lang pahinga ko ngayon. para pagdating ng november, kahit ayoko na syang tapusin, me energy ako to deal with it. the pa-morningan, the dizzying two cameras, the royal pain, etcetera.
* * *
sana. matuloy. sana sagutin ako ng "oo" ng langit. sana, sana. cause if this pushes through, i'd be happy for the remainder of the year. wishing, hoping, praying. we need projects like this to survive. i fervently pray that the lord would give this to me.
* * *
at kumusta naman ang currently grinding comedian-child star movie. no shoot for the rest of the week. i don't know if i'm gonna be happy or sad. maybe a little of both. sana lang, matuloy itong pinagdadasal ko. i want this. i really, really want this!
* * *
sleepy. meeting a friend tonight. sana rin mag-yield to lucrative outcomes. that's all i can really think of these days, when i'm not thinking about the things that really matter.
that night, from memory, was one big happy blur.
three shots of tequila, two bottles of beer, and the beeyatch couldn't contain it. argh, inexperienced drunk-o. but i went there prepared to get myself drunk. best time, best timing, best company, best everything.
and the best thing about bein drunk is that you forget. even yourself, and your so-called self-containing inhibitions. everything flies out the window, and you with it, and for as long as you're awake you're flying inside your head, with no thought to falling. lost in your own cloud, literally and else.
but if one of the best things about being drunk is that you lose your sense-of-shame, the worst thing about it is that the next day you quickly regain it. when you're up and sober, and that happy creature that you remember of yourself the night before comes back to haunt you. oh she-et. sense of shame.
in this case though there was no shame, nothing of the intense kind. just some sort of panghihinayang, because i was out cold before the real fun actually happened, which WAS a shame because the reason you get yourself drunk is you want to (cliche) forget it all and have pure untainted fun. but after three shots of tequila and two bottles of beer and a trip to the pantry with the bros, i plopped on the sofa and neatly passed out. asleep, while everyone else was partying. a shame. i missed out on half the night.
before all that, everything else was a happy blur. vibrant, slowmo-ed. larger than life in this soused little mind of mine. the movies that we saw. the laughter, the dancing, the beer chugging on that strange little funnel-and-pipe contraption, the nintendo wii, the first of the new guests, my strange bonding with the bathroom sink. and then, zzz.
before all that, at round midnight, somebody texted me. about to go to bed now, gudnyt! on any other night it would've been something to cap my day and tuck me to bed happy, but that night i was too...out of myself to even reply right.
gudnyt.i punched in the wrong button. the period was not supposed to be a period. it sounded terse, cold, angry, which i wasn't.
tried to erase the period, but ended up sending it instead. she-et. so i resent the gudnyt, this time with !, now that sounds happy. something to tuck someone to bed at peace, with the fact that someone wants him to sleep well.
and sleep the night away he did, unaware that i was blacking out somewhere, and couldn't even walk a straight line to the front door, and had been doin some serious mind-altering partying inside my head, things that he himself had probably not done in years. unaware, this dude is, and would've been displeased at the way i held my liquor that night, if he had known. but i couldn't care less. life's a busy highway for you and me sweetie, but in the most different of ways. do what you need to do, and i would do what i want to do right now, cause i would rather be busy being happy than be anything else these days.
diversion, distraction, detour. just a way to forget that i'm missing you, and will be missing you more in the coming weeks.
and yes, i know. we gotta do what we're paid to do.
* * *
speaking of which. there's one project that i absolutely do not look forward to finishing. even if i was paid to do what i must do.
last sunday, hindi ako nakapagsimba dahil sa kanya. meeting daw, tapos at the last minute, kinansel. kumusta naman yun. nasa meeting place na ko e. di ko na tuloy naisipang magsimba, nakalimutan ko na. bad girl talaga ko.
if i had no word of honor i would've bailed out of this project to AD for my favorite newbie director. minsan naiisip ko, sana wala na lang akong word of honor. minsan lang naman. pero at this point, di na dapat iniisip. no choice. finish what you've begun. buti na lang november pa sya magre-resume. buti na lang pahinga ko ngayon. para pagdating ng november, kahit ayoko na syang tapusin, me energy ako to deal with it. the pa-morningan, the dizzying two cameras, the royal pain, etcetera.
* * *
sana. matuloy. sana sagutin ako ng "oo" ng langit. sana, sana. cause if this pushes through, i'd be happy for the remainder of the year. wishing, hoping, praying. we need projects like this to survive. i fervently pray that the lord would give this to me.
* * *
at kumusta naman ang currently grinding comedian-child star movie. no shoot for the rest of the week. i don't know if i'm gonna be happy or sad. maybe a little of both. sana lang, matuloy itong pinagdadasal ko. i want this. i really, really want this!
* * *
sleepy. meeting a friend tonight. sana rin mag-yield to lucrative outcomes. that's all i can really think of these days, when i'm not thinking about the things that really matter.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
"mamaya" is my favorite word
sarap ng buhay. walang shoot ngayon, walang shoot bukas...klase sa sabado, pahinga sa linggo...
gusto ko nang simulan yung isa pang storya.
kaso, ewan ko, lagi ko na lang mina-"mamaya na".
parang yung pagpalit ng bedsheets ko. o yung pag-ayos ng mga damit ko sa bagong lalagyan. o kahit yung panonood ng mga dvds na naghihintay lang.
kasi, ang katwiran ko, lahat sila, andyan lang.
andyan lang, hindi mawawala, and i have all the time in the world until monday.
buti na lang iba ang pananaw ko pagdating sa mga relationships.
at sana lang yung ibang tao, katulad ko din.
* * *
strike while the iron is hot.
sabi nga nila.
kaya dapat simulan ko na ngayon habang inspired kuno pa ko.
kaso tinatamad pa kong mag-effort. tinatamad pa kong lumabas sa comfort zone. kaya inuuna ko muna ang friendster, multiply, youtube, etcetera, etcetera.
at ang bedsheets, hindi pa rin napapalitan.
ang mga damit, hindi pa naaayos.
ang dvds, naghihintay pa rin.
eh ano na nga lang ba ang nagawa ko sa araw na to?
nag-lunch. naligo. nang-okray kay penguinacious monjam sa blogs nya. nag-surf nang walang katapusan. sumagot ng survey.
all under the guise of "pagpapahinga". kasi, feeling ko, i deserve to rest. we all do, at some time. at next week may trabaho na naman kaya lulubos-lubusin ko na.
basta. gagawin ko sya mamaya.
* * *
baka dapat mag-iba na ko ng pananaw ano. masyado na ko e. iba ang sinasabi ng utak sa nararamdaman. magkaibang-magkaiba yon. ang utak, reasonable. ang emosyon, walang pakialam. sa reason, sa sitwasyon ng ibang tao. basta alam nya kung ano ang gusto nya, kesehoda. selfish, makitid ang isip, impatient, mahinarte. kaya mahirap talaga pag bobo ka. mahirap maka-cope sa mundo pag bobo ka, dahil laging nao-override ng emotions mo ang reasoning mo. hindi ka objective. puro ka "ako!ako!"
shet. ayoko yata nun. yung "ako!ako!" syndrome.
gusto ko nang simulan yung isa pang storya.
kaso, ewan ko, lagi ko na lang mina-"mamaya na".
parang yung pagpalit ng bedsheets ko. o yung pag-ayos ng mga damit ko sa bagong lalagyan. o kahit yung panonood ng mga dvds na naghihintay lang.
kasi, ang katwiran ko, lahat sila, andyan lang.
andyan lang, hindi mawawala, and i have all the time in the world until monday.
buti na lang iba ang pananaw ko pagdating sa mga relationships.
at sana lang yung ibang tao, katulad ko din.
* * *
strike while the iron is hot.
sabi nga nila.
kaya dapat simulan ko na ngayon habang inspired kuno pa ko.
kaso tinatamad pa kong mag-effort. tinatamad pa kong lumabas sa comfort zone. kaya inuuna ko muna ang friendster, multiply, youtube, etcetera, etcetera.
at ang bedsheets, hindi pa rin napapalitan.
ang mga damit, hindi pa naaayos.
ang dvds, naghihintay pa rin.
eh ano na nga lang ba ang nagawa ko sa araw na to?
nag-lunch. naligo. nang-okray kay penguinacious monjam sa blogs nya. nag-surf nang walang katapusan. sumagot ng survey.
all under the guise of "pagpapahinga". kasi, feeling ko, i deserve to rest. we all do, at some time. at next week may trabaho na naman kaya lulubos-lubusin ko na.
basta. gagawin ko sya mamaya.
* * *
baka dapat mag-iba na ko ng pananaw ano. masyado na ko e. iba ang sinasabi ng utak sa nararamdaman. magkaibang-magkaiba yon. ang utak, reasonable. ang emosyon, walang pakialam. sa reason, sa sitwasyon ng ibang tao. basta alam nya kung ano ang gusto nya, kesehoda. selfish, makitid ang isip, impatient, mahinarte. kaya mahirap talaga pag bobo ka. mahirap maka-cope sa mundo pag bobo ka, dahil laging nao-override ng emotions mo ang reasoning mo. hindi ka objective. puro ka "ako!ako!"
shet. ayoko yata nun. yung "ako!ako!" syndrome.
sunlight
i love these sunny mornings in october.
just the right timpla. not too warm, not too humid, not too cold.
the other day i had a morning like this too. and it was one of those beautiful days. typing away, finishing a homework that i'm excited about. not feeling inept and lost, living up a scenario in my head and translating it into words. and not frustrating myself in the process.
para kong nasinagan ng araw for the first time in a long, long while.
buti na lang free ang mga araw ko in the next two days. will try to catch that mood again.
just the right timpla. not too warm, not too humid, not too cold.
the other day i had a morning like this too. and it was one of those beautiful days. typing away, finishing a homework that i'm excited about. not feeling inept and lost, living up a scenario in my head and translating it into words. and not frustrating myself in the process.
para kong nasinagan ng araw for the first time in a long, long while.
buti na lang free ang mga araw ko in the next two days. will try to catch that mood again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
things to be happy about right now
1. the shoot was packed up today--more time for rest for me, and more time to do the assignment as well.
2. downpayment and 1st weekly from the new project. yey!
3. got time for the dvds at home, waiting to be watched!
4. school day tomorrow! henry's birthday bash!
5. a concept to work on that i'm somekinda excited about. hay, sana mag-work.
6. the blue cellphone cloth-casing that bbbb gave me (kahit handmedown!)
7. a possibility na walang work sa wednesday (bulakbol talaga ko)
8. san mig coffee (sugarfree!)
9. thursday (sana!)
10. my basically happy family
11. my basically wonderful parents
over breakfast, may sinabi ang nanay ko. relationship advice ang drama. wag daw akong mag-bike, kahit meron kaming bike, kasi nakaka-devirginize daw yon. pero dapat daw matutunan ko ang tamang paraan ng pag-kiss, kasi importante din daw yon sa isang relationship.
huwat!
shocked ako sa sinabi nyang huli. tumbling kung tumbling! ang weirdo talaga ng mga nanay!
* * *
naalala ko yung isang linyang nasulat ko sa blog ko months ago.
kung anong hindi kaya ng tao, siguradong kaya ng diyos.
totoo yon. hanggang ngayon struck pa rin ako. kaya lahat ng hindi ko kaya, lahat ng wala sa kamay ko, ipinapasa-diyos ko na lang.
nagi-guilty ako minsan. kasi tuwing sundays, kung hindi ako nagtatrabaho, nanonood ako ng sine, o nagpapahinga sa bahay. isang oras lang namang sakripisyo ang misa. isa, o dalawa, if you count in yung time na magbibihis at magta-travel ka. pero sa ibang bagay ko pa nilalaan.
time. ang hirap magkaroon ng time para sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko.
sa pamilya. sa love life. sa mga personal projects. lagi na lang kulang sa time.
pero lahat naman ng importante sa buhay ko ngayon, si papa god ang nagbigay. kaya nakaka-guilty. kasi parang wala akong time para sa kanya.
next time, next sunday, na wala kong trabaho, ita-try kong magsimba. sobrang mortal sinner na siguro ako. multiple violations on commandment #8 (#8 nga ba yon?): remember to keep holy the sabbath day.
arghhh! buti na lang ambait ni lord! kahit pasaway ako, he still gives me reasons to be happy about. time to thank him for everything one of these days. kahit sa isang oras na misa lang.
* * *
hindi ko nagustuhan yung "stardust". kasi siguro nage-expect ako na matangay ako ng pelikula tulad ng pagkatangay ko sa "neverending story" at "legend" nung una ko silang napanood. andami kasing subplots na sinusundan, nagiging spaghetti tuloy. at may feeling ng pagkacontrived yung premise na tatlong forces-to-reckon-with ang naghahabol sa isang fallen star.
ewan. pero panalo yung eksena ni claire danes confessing her love in front of a rat. ang cute. siguro kinilig pa ko kung hindi lang si claire danes yung babae. kasi after all these years, fresh pa rin sa memory ko yung sinabi nya about the philippines being "full of rats". kaya strange kind of onscreen karma ang nanyari sa kanya sa "stardust", na-in love sya sa isang rat. ha!ha!
pero wait, scene stealer nga pala si robert de niro as the klosetang flamboyant gay pirate. hahaha panalo yon! for that alone, worth it ang price ng isang movie ticket.
2. downpayment and 1st weekly from the new project. yey!
3. got time for the dvds at home, waiting to be watched!
4. school day tomorrow! henry's birthday bash!
5. a concept to work on that i'm somekinda excited about. hay, sana mag-work.
6. the blue cellphone cloth-casing that bbbb gave me (kahit handmedown!)
7. a possibility na walang work sa wednesday (bulakbol talaga ko)
8. san mig coffee (sugarfree!)
9. thursday (sana!)
10. my basically happy family
11. my basically wonderful parents
over breakfast, may sinabi ang nanay ko. relationship advice ang drama. wag daw akong mag-bike, kahit meron kaming bike, kasi nakaka-devirginize daw yon. pero dapat daw matutunan ko ang tamang paraan ng pag-kiss, kasi importante din daw yon sa isang relationship.
huwat!
shocked ako sa sinabi nyang huli. tumbling kung tumbling! ang weirdo talaga ng mga nanay!
* * *
naalala ko yung isang linyang nasulat ko sa blog ko months ago.
kung anong hindi kaya ng tao, siguradong kaya ng diyos.
totoo yon. hanggang ngayon struck pa rin ako. kaya lahat ng hindi ko kaya, lahat ng wala sa kamay ko, ipinapasa-diyos ko na lang.
nagi-guilty ako minsan. kasi tuwing sundays, kung hindi ako nagtatrabaho, nanonood ako ng sine, o nagpapahinga sa bahay. isang oras lang namang sakripisyo ang misa. isa, o dalawa, if you count in yung time na magbibihis at magta-travel ka. pero sa ibang bagay ko pa nilalaan.
time. ang hirap magkaroon ng time para sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko.
sa pamilya. sa love life. sa mga personal projects. lagi na lang kulang sa time.
pero lahat naman ng importante sa buhay ko ngayon, si papa god ang nagbigay. kaya nakaka-guilty. kasi parang wala akong time para sa kanya.
next time, next sunday, na wala kong trabaho, ita-try kong magsimba. sobrang mortal sinner na siguro ako. multiple violations on commandment #8 (#8 nga ba yon?): remember to keep holy the sabbath day.
arghhh! buti na lang ambait ni lord! kahit pasaway ako, he still gives me reasons to be happy about. time to thank him for everything one of these days. kahit sa isang oras na misa lang.
* * *
hindi ko nagustuhan yung "stardust". kasi siguro nage-expect ako na matangay ako ng pelikula tulad ng pagkatangay ko sa "neverending story" at "legend" nung una ko silang napanood. andami kasing subplots na sinusundan, nagiging spaghetti tuloy. at may feeling ng pagkacontrived yung premise na tatlong forces-to-reckon-with ang naghahabol sa isang fallen star.
ewan. pero panalo yung eksena ni claire danes confessing her love in front of a rat. ang cute. siguro kinilig pa ko kung hindi lang si claire danes yung babae. kasi after all these years, fresh pa rin sa memory ko yung sinabi nya about the philippines being "full of rats". kaya strange kind of onscreen karma ang nanyari sa kanya sa "stardust", na-in love sya sa isang rat. ha!ha!
pero wait, scene stealer nga pala si robert de niro as the klosetang flamboyant gay pirate. hahaha panalo yon! for that alone, worth it ang price ng isang movie ticket.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
may narinig ako...sana good news
gusto kong magsulat uli. for the money.
para maiba-iba naman. para may variety.
pero yung pagsusulat na hindi lalamunin ang buong oras at buhay ko. wag naman. kasi nag-aaral din ako. yung tipong pampayaman lang. hehe.
miss ko na ng creative work.
production work gets tiring after some time, lalo na kung puros antayan lang ang ginagawa nyo sa set. at puros memorya at paperwork naman ang naka-toka sa yo.
ayoko nang magscriptcon. gusto ko nang mag-AD sa mainstream.
nagkaroon ako ng chance nung alukin ako ni j@de mag-AD sa kanya for his first mainstream mvie. kaso dahil nakatali ako sa $$%^^&# compost, hindi ko matanggap.
huhu.
gusto ko na ng bagong challenge.
para maiba-iba naman. para may variety.
pero yung pagsusulat na hindi lalamunin ang buong oras at buhay ko. wag naman. kasi nag-aaral din ako. yung tipong pampayaman lang. hehe.
miss ko na ng creative work.
production work gets tiring after some time, lalo na kung puros antayan lang ang ginagawa nyo sa set. at puros memorya at paperwork naman ang naka-toka sa yo.
ayoko nang magscriptcon. gusto ko nang mag-AD sa mainstream.
nagkaroon ako ng chance nung alukin ako ni j@de mag-AD sa kanya for his first mainstream mvie. kaso dahil nakatali ako sa $$%^^&# compost, hindi ko matanggap.
huhu.
gusto ko na ng bagong challenge.
bright spot on a bad day, for old times' sake
saturday sunshine.
i'm gloomy.
prevailing emotions at the moment, parang chopsuey.
frustrated. naiinis. scared. bothered. bored.
wanting coffee. wanting yosi.
hoping that a bath is all that it would take to clear my head. and lighten things up.
hoping that today's school session is all that it would take to make me focus. and distract me from being needlessly annoyed.
hoping that my EQ is much higher than i actually think.
hoping that the coffee that's comin up would make me feel better.
i HATE it when i feel this way.
there are other things to be annoyed about.
* * *
shet, namiss ko na si frog princess.
naging malaking parte din sya ng buhay ko. hehe.
syempre hindi nya alam yon.
sana mabuhay sya uli. for the sake of old times. for the sake of homework.
kasi, tama si ted. kahit exagg ang pagkakakwento, forever nang nakatatak sa memorya ko yung moment na nakita ko syang nagyosi for the first time.
leslie cheung nga. yun nga.
naka-preppy clothes pa sya non. sa gitna ng zoobic safari. haha.
i'm gloomy.
prevailing emotions at the moment, parang chopsuey.
frustrated. naiinis. scared. bothered. bored.
wanting coffee. wanting yosi.
hoping that a bath is all that it would take to clear my head. and lighten things up.
hoping that today's school session is all that it would take to make me focus. and distract me from being needlessly annoyed.
hoping that my EQ is much higher than i actually think.
hoping that the coffee that's comin up would make me feel better.
i HATE it when i feel this way.
there are other things to be annoyed about.
* * *
shet, namiss ko na si frog princess.
naging malaking parte din sya ng buhay ko. hehe.
syempre hindi nya alam yon.
sana mabuhay sya uli. for the sake of old times. for the sake of homework.
kasi, tama si ted. kahit exagg ang pagkakakwento, forever nang nakatatak sa memorya ko yung moment na nakita ko syang nagyosi for the first time.
leslie cheung nga. yun nga.
naka-preppy clothes pa sya non. sa gitna ng zoobic safari. haha.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
angst session on a balmy day
aside from rainy days, i love this kind of weather as well.
sunny, balmy, breezy. i remember days like these exactly six years ago, afternoons spent in the lanai of our house, handwriting diary entries in between storyboards and shotlists for my thesis film. those were beautiful days. i was almost in touch with the muse. i haven't experienced that in a long, long while.
now on the verge of starting another class requirement that is almost (but not quite) similar to the nature of my thesis. gusto kong balikan yung dating spiritu ng mga panahon na yon. everything was just so damn natural. everything was just so effortless. may oras ako para makipag-brainstorm with myself. umiikot lang ang mundo sa skwela at pangarap. hindi kailangan ng yosi to get myself into "thinker" mode. walang ibang iniisip kundi pano ba pagandahin ang baby na nasa sinapupunan, sans the pressures.
things appear more golden on hindsight talaga. naaamoy ko lang ang simoy ng hangin sa labas, para kong nata-transport sa mga panahong hindi ko naman na-appreciate dati. nakaupo ako sa lanai, nagdo-drowing-drowingan. nag-iisip kung pano ikukwento ang storya with the best shots possible. lalabas ako, maghahanap ng location, dala yung D8 videocam ko. bahay na tradisyonal, na middle class, na parang yung mga bahay sa Old Balara. ang saya saya. yun lang ang sentro ng mundo ko.
* * *
i love laughing. i wish i'd have more reasons to laugh every day. hindi kasi ko palangiti o palatawang tao. buti na lang nakakatuwa yung mga kaklase ko, hindi talaga lilipas ang isang class day nang hindi ako tumatawa.
pero iba kasi pag trabaho. hindi ako makatawa. depende naman kasi sa mga kasama ko. sa bagong movie, medyo konti ang rason ko para matawa. mas konti ang barkada, although hindi naman masyadong pressure sa trabaho.
sa compost, mas marami akong rason tumawa in between camera setups, pero ang bawi naman non eh matinding pressure pag gumiling na ang cameras.
nung isang araw, sinabi ko ayokong manood ng boxing ni pacquiao, kaso pagdating ko sa set lahat ng tao nakatutok sa channel 7. kaya nanood na rin ako. ang weird, kasi nung kinanta na ni kyla ang lupang hinirang parang naging misty eyed ako. feeling proud ako kahit papano, na kahit sa boxing man lang maging world-renowned ang pinoy. feeling sad din, kasi sa boxing lang yata tayo bumabanat sa international scene. buti na lang hindi nagkamali si kyla. hehe.
nung isang araw, inis na inis ako. yung tipong inis na gumuguhit sa kalamnan na pwedeng pausukin ang ilong ko. naiinis kasi ko sa mga producer na walang respeto sa direktor at sa mga trabahador nya. yung throwing-his-weight-around type.
pinagalitan nya ko nung isang araw. in fairness, kasalanan ko naman, pero hindi ako ang nadiin, yung AD. naawa ako, nahihiya ako. kasi ang pangit ng style ng pagre-reprimand ng producer. sa harap ng buong crew. nakaka-indignify. kasi, after 21 shooting days ng pagtatrabaho namin ng matino, isang mali lang pala ang makakapagpasabi sa kanya na hindi namin alam ang ginagawa namin.
taena. ngayon lang ako nasabihan ng ganon. sa tatlo, apat na taon ko bilang trabahador sa pelikula. nakakabwisit, kasi parang personal ang tira. na hndi ko alam kung san nanggagaling, dahil sa 21 shoot days na ginawa ng diyos, matinong trabaho naman ang binigay namin sa kanila. sa 21 shooting days na laging may dalawang cameras at sandamukal ang artista at napakabilis ng mga pangyayari at 24 hours minimum ang pagtatrabaho, nagpakaadik kami.
kung direktor ko ang nagalit sa kin, siguro maaapektuhan pa ko. kaya nung nung nagtatatalak yung producer sa min, strangely, i felt indifferent. pumapasok sa isang tenga, lumalabas sa kabila. kasi, kahit producer sya, kahit kontrolado nya to a certain extent ang kilos at galaw ng mga taong nagtatrabaho para sa kanya, hindi nya kontrolado ang nararamdaman ko. and for that alone, happy enough na ko.
point of saturation na kaming lahat.
wala na kong drive gawin ang best ko. siguro wrong timing lang talaga ang pagpasok ng compost sa buhay ko. kasi one year ago siguro ibang iba ang magiging attitude ko. kasi kung nag-commit ka sa isang project, committed kang gawin ang trabaho mo to the best of your abilities. pero nakakawalang-gana kasing magtrabaho para sa isang royal pain. nakakawalang-ganang magpagod magpuyat at magpakangarag sa isang project na ambigat-bigat at anlaki-laki na pinipilit tapusin in merely 23 shooting days.
oh well. one last shooting day to go. one, or most likely two. ito ang proyektong hindi matapos-tapos. although pag natapos to, alam kong mami-miss ko din ang mga naging katrabaho ko. yung 1st AD naming mahilig magsayaw ng Madonna songs in between setups, yung 2nd AD naming parang nanay na rin sa kampo ni Direk, yung prayer leader naming laging nakaramay every shooting day kahit hindi pwede naman syang umalis after the prayers, yung PA namin na kahit laging late at laging nawawala eh nakatulong din naman sa pagtatawag nya ng mga artista pag kelangan na sila sa set, yung BTS director namin na ka-radio talk ko palagi at masayang katambayan during those long hours of waiting. hay. sana magkita kita pa tayo sa ibang projects. maliit lang ang mundo.
* * *
nag-grind na ang sh@ke r@ttle and r0ll movie nina d1rek m1ke last monday. ako lang daw ang wala. nakakalungkot. kasi mahal ko din ang grupong yon. one year ago, ginagawa namin yung sh@ke for last year. magdamagan din, pero masaya ko.
minsan, happiness is a matter of timing din.
sunny, balmy, breezy. i remember days like these exactly six years ago, afternoons spent in the lanai of our house, handwriting diary entries in between storyboards and shotlists for my thesis film. those were beautiful days. i was almost in touch with the muse. i haven't experienced that in a long, long while.
now on the verge of starting another class requirement that is almost (but not quite) similar to the nature of my thesis. gusto kong balikan yung dating spiritu ng mga panahon na yon. everything was just so damn natural. everything was just so effortless. may oras ako para makipag-brainstorm with myself. umiikot lang ang mundo sa skwela at pangarap. hindi kailangan ng yosi to get myself into "thinker" mode. walang ibang iniisip kundi pano ba pagandahin ang baby na nasa sinapupunan, sans the pressures.
things appear more golden on hindsight talaga. naaamoy ko lang ang simoy ng hangin sa labas, para kong nata-transport sa mga panahong hindi ko naman na-appreciate dati. nakaupo ako sa lanai, nagdo-drowing-drowingan. nag-iisip kung pano ikukwento ang storya with the best shots possible. lalabas ako, maghahanap ng location, dala yung D8 videocam ko. bahay na tradisyonal, na middle class, na parang yung mga bahay sa Old Balara. ang saya saya. yun lang ang sentro ng mundo ko.
* * *
i love laughing. i wish i'd have more reasons to laugh every day. hindi kasi ko palangiti o palatawang tao. buti na lang nakakatuwa yung mga kaklase ko, hindi talaga lilipas ang isang class day nang hindi ako tumatawa.
pero iba kasi pag trabaho. hindi ako makatawa. depende naman kasi sa mga kasama ko. sa bagong movie, medyo konti ang rason ko para matawa. mas konti ang barkada, although hindi naman masyadong pressure sa trabaho.
sa compost, mas marami akong rason tumawa in between camera setups, pero ang bawi naman non eh matinding pressure pag gumiling na ang cameras.
nung isang araw, sinabi ko ayokong manood ng boxing ni pacquiao, kaso pagdating ko sa set lahat ng tao nakatutok sa channel 7. kaya nanood na rin ako. ang weird, kasi nung kinanta na ni kyla ang lupang hinirang parang naging misty eyed ako. feeling proud ako kahit papano, na kahit sa boxing man lang maging world-renowned ang pinoy. feeling sad din, kasi sa boxing lang yata tayo bumabanat sa international scene. buti na lang hindi nagkamali si kyla. hehe.
nung isang araw, inis na inis ako. yung tipong inis na gumuguhit sa kalamnan na pwedeng pausukin ang ilong ko. naiinis kasi ko sa mga producer na walang respeto sa direktor at sa mga trabahador nya. yung throwing-his-weight-around type.
pinagalitan nya ko nung isang araw. in fairness, kasalanan ko naman, pero hindi ako ang nadiin, yung AD. naawa ako, nahihiya ako. kasi ang pangit ng style ng pagre-reprimand ng producer. sa harap ng buong crew. nakaka-indignify. kasi, after 21 shooting days ng pagtatrabaho namin ng matino, isang mali lang pala ang makakapagpasabi sa kanya na hindi namin alam ang ginagawa namin.
taena. ngayon lang ako nasabihan ng ganon. sa tatlo, apat na taon ko bilang trabahador sa pelikula. nakakabwisit, kasi parang personal ang tira. na hndi ko alam kung san nanggagaling, dahil sa 21 shoot days na ginawa ng diyos, matinong trabaho naman ang binigay namin sa kanila. sa 21 shooting days na laging may dalawang cameras at sandamukal ang artista at napakabilis ng mga pangyayari at 24 hours minimum ang pagtatrabaho, nagpakaadik kami.
kung direktor ko ang nagalit sa kin, siguro maaapektuhan pa ko. kaya nung nung nagtatatalak yung producer sa min, strangely, i felt indifferent. pumapasok sa isang tenga, lumalabas sa kabila. kasi, kahit producer sya, kahit kontrolado nya to a certain extent ang kilos at galaw ng mga taong nagtatrabaho para sa kanya, hindi nya kontrolado ang nararamdaman ko. and for that alone, happy enough na ko.
point of saturation na kaming lahat.
wala na kong drive gawin ang best ko. siguro wrong timing lang talaga ang pagpasok ng compost sa buhay ko. kasi one year ago siguro ibang iba ang magiging attitude ko. kasi kung nag-commit ka sa isang project, committed kang gawin ang trabaho mo to the best of your abilities. pero nakakawalang-gana kasing magtrabaho para sa isang royal pain. nakakawalang-ganang magpagod magpuyat at magpakangarag sa isang project na ambigat-bigat at anlaki-laki na pinipilit tapusin in merely 23 shooting days.
oh well. one last shooting day to go. one, or most likely two. ito ang proyektong hindi matapos-tapos. although pag natapos to, alam kong mami-miss ko din ang mga naging katrabaho ko. yung 1st AD naming mahilig magsayaw ng Madonna songs in between setups, yung 2nd AD naming parang nanay na rin sa kampo ni Direk, yung prayer leader naming laging nakaramay every shooting day kahit hindi pwede naman syang umalis after the prayers, yung PA namin na kahit laging late at laging nawawala eh nakatulong din naman sa pagtatawag nya ng mga artista pag kelangan na sila sa set, yung BTS director namin na ka-radio talk ko palagi at masayang katambayan during those long hours of waiting. hay. sana magkita kita pa tayo sa ibang projects. maliit lang ang mundo.
* * *
nag-grind na ang sh@ke r@ttle and r0ll movie nina d1rek m1ke last monday. ako lang daw ang wala. nakakalungkot. kasi mahal ko din ang grupong yon. one year ago, ginagawa namin yung sh@ke for last year. magdamagan din, pero masaya ko.
minsan, happiness is a matter of timing din.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
no more time capsules this time
another shooting day starts in about two hours.
actually, 3. or 4. pero set call, 1pm.
kakatamad. kasi two weeks kaming natengga sa project na to. nakakasira ng momentum. parang unfinished business na pinipilit kang tapusin. lalo na ngayong may nagsimula nang bago, at iba na ang focus mo.
pero kelangang tapusin ang nasimulan na. kasi, committed ka.
at least, sa trabaho. buti na lang iba ang philosophy ko pagdating sa personal relationships.
* * *
nahihirapan akong pagsabayin ang dalawang forces-to-reckon-with. work and school. magkaiba kasing mundo, pero parehong tina-tackle ang iisang subject matter. minsan, o madalas, ako lang naman ang nag-iinterpret sa mga sitwasyon, kung dapat silang ika-pressure o ika-stress. minsan siguro, overreading. pero andun ang mga stimuli, they are real. and nearly every single day of the week, i have to deal with two different pressurized worlds alternately. nadidisorient ako. may nangyayari sa loob ng utak ko na hindi ko mabigyan ng tamang description.
pinaghalu-halong emotions. in my worst moments, parang gusto kong tumakbo. parang gusto kong may takbuhan.
* * *
love. solace and sanctuary. pag bumabalik na naman ako sa trabaho the next day, parang panaginip yung nakaraang araw. yung panaginip na maganda, na parang gusto mong ilagay sa time capsule at balik-balikan in times of stress and distress.
hindi maganda. kasi totohanan na ang usapan. hindi na sya parang isang Ideal Bading na nilagay ko sa pedestal, pero hindi malapit-lapitan. hindi na maganda kung nilalamon ka na ng panaginip. kung hinahanap-hanap mo na yung tao. euw. hindi na healthy, kasi pati ikaw nilalamon na rin ng nararamdaman mo.
i know myself. hindi healthy para sa kin ang magmahal nang todo. anything intense breeds fear. and paranoia. kahit walang stimulus, ako ang magbibigay ng interpretation.
hindi healthy. kasi ako din ang mahihirapan. at ayoko ring dumating sa punto na magiging mahirap din para sa ibang tao. cause it seeps out. kung nalulungkot ako o naiinis ako. kakailanganin at kakailanganin ko ng catharsis. kawawa naman yung mga inosente, kung magiging biktima sila ng neurosis ko.
time to refocus and redirect. mas malaki sa kin ang dalawang mundong nag-uumpugan. okay. fine. hindi naman ako ganon kahina. hindi naman siguro kelangang tumakbo. kaduwagan actually. maraming pwedeng paghugutan ng happiness out of life. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng heroes and saviors. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng matatakbuhan.
for the record, i hate sports. i hate doing them, watching them. proud ako kay pacquiao like any other pinoy, pero wala talaga kong interes. panoorin syang makipagsuntukan. pero gets ko kung bakit gusto yon ng tatay ko. gets ko kung bakit mas pipiliin ng mga lalake si pacquiao kesa sa mga girlfriends nila. hindi na kasi mangyayari uli. ako man, mas pipiliin ko si wong kar wai in a once-in-a-lifetime meet-and-greet kesa sa boyfriend ko.
ha! so there.
okay. late na ko.
actually, 3. or 4. pero set call, 1pm.
kakatamad. kasi two weeks kaming natengga sa project na to. nakakasira ng momentum. parang unfinished business na pinipilit kang tapusin. lalo na ngayong may nagsimula nang bago, at iba na ang focus mo.
pero kelangang tapusin ang nasimulan na. kasi, committed ka.
at least, sa trabaho. buti na lang iba ang philosophy ko pagdating sa personal relationships.
* * *
nahihirapan akong pagsabayin ang dalawang forces-to-reckon-with. work and school. magkaiba kasing mundo, pero parehong tina-tackle ang iisang subject matter. minsan, o madalas, ako lang naman ang nag-iinterpret sa mga sitwasyon, kung dapat silang ika-pressure o ika-stress. minsan siguro, overreading. pero andun ang mga stimuli, they are real. and nearly every single day of the week, i have to deal with two different pressurized worlds alternately. nadidisorient ako. may nangyayari sa loob ng utak ko na hindi ko mabigyan ng tamang description.
pinaghalu-halong emotions. in my worst moments, parang gusto kong tumakbo. parang gusto kong may takbuhan.
* * *
love. solace and sanctuary. pag bumabalik na naman ako sa trabaho the next day, parang panaginip yung nakaraang araw. yung panaginip na maganda, na parang gusto mong ilagay sa time capsule at balik-balikan in times of stress and distress.
hindi maganda. kasi totohanan na ang usapan. hindi na sya parang isang Ideal Bading na nilagay ko sa pedestal, pero hindi malapit-lapitan. hindi na maganda kung nilalamon ka na ng panaginip. kung hinahanap-hanap mo na yung tao. euw. hindi na healthy, kasi pati ikaw nilalamon na rin ng nararamdaman mo.
i know myself. hindi healthy para sa kin ang magmahal nang todo. anything intense breeds fear. and paranoia. kahit walang stimulus, ako ang magbibigay ng interpretation.
hindi healthy. kasi ako din ang mahihirapan. at ayoko ring dumating sa punto na magiging mahirap din para sa ibang tao. cause it seeps out. kung nalulungkot ako o naiinis ako. kakailanganin at kakailanganin ko ng catharsis. kawawa naman yung mga inosente, kung magiging biktima sila ng neurosis ko.
time to refocus and redirect. mas malaki sa kin ang dalawang mundong nag-uumpugan. okay. fine. hindi naman ako ganon kahina. hindi naman siguro kelangang tumakbo. kaduwagan actually. maraming pwedeng paghugutan ng happiness out of life. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng heroes and saviors. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng matatakbuhan.
for the record, i hate sports. i hate doing them, watching them. proud ako kay pacquiao like any other pinoy, pero wala talaga kong interes. panoorin syang makipagsuntukan. pero gets ko kung bakit gusto yon ng tatay ko. gets ko kung bakit mas pipiliin ng mga lalake si pacquiao kesa sa mga girlfriends nila. hindi na kasi mangyayari uli. ako man, mas pipiliin ko si wong kar wai in a once-in-a-lifetime meet-and-greet kesa sa boyfriend ko.
ha! so there.
okay. late na ko.
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