post-hangover thoughts

drunk. numbed. out cold.
that night, from memory, was one big happy blur.

three shots of tequila, two bottles of beer, and the beeyatch couldn't contain it. argh, inexperienced drunk-o. but i went there prepared to get myself drunk. best time, best timing, best company, best everything.

and the best thing about bein drunk is that you forget. even yourself, and your so-called self-containing inhibitions. everything flies out the window, and you with it, and for as long as you're awake you're flying inside your head, with no thought to falling. lost in your own cloud, literally and else.

but if one of the best things about being drunk is that you lose your sense-of-shame, the worst thing about it is that the next day you quickly regain it. when you're up and sober, and that happy creature that you remember of yourself the night before comes back to haunt you. oh she-et. sense of shame.

in this case though there was no shame, nothing of the intense kind. just some sort of panghihinayang, because i was out cold before the real fun actually happened, which WAS a shame because the reason you get yourself drunk is you want to (cliche) forget it all and have pure untainted fun. but after three shots of tequila and two bottles of beer and a trip to the pantry with the bros, i plopped on the sofa and neatly passed out. asleep, while everyone else was partying. a shame. i missed out on half the night.

before all that, everything else was a happy blur. vibrant, slowmo-ed. larger than life in this soused little mind of mine. the movies that we saw. the laughter, the dancing, the beer chugging on that strange little funnel-and-pipe contraption, the nintendo wii, the first of the new guests, my strange bonding with the bathroom sink. and then, zzz.

before all that, at round midnight, somebody texted me. about to go to bed now, gudnyt! on any other night it would've been something to cap my day and tuck me to bed happy, but that night i was too...out of myself to even reply right.

gudnyt.i punched in the wrong button. the period was not supposed to be a period. it sounded terse, cold, angry, which i wasn't.
tried to erase the period, but ended up sending it instead. she-et. so i resent the gudnyt, this time with !, now that sounds happy. something to tuck someone to bed at peace, with the fact that someone wants him to sleep well.

and sleep the night away he did, unaware that i was blacking out somewhere, and couldn't even walk a straight line to the front door, and had been doin some serious mind-altering partying inside my head, things that he himself had probably not done in years. unaware, this dude is, and would've been displeased at the way i held my liquor that night, if he had known. but i couldn't care less. life's a busy highway for you and me sweetie, but in the most different of ways. do what you need to do, and i would do what i want to do right now, cause i would rather be busy being happy than be anything else these days.

diversion, distraction, detour. just a way to forget that i'm missing you, and will be missing you more in the coming weeks.

and yes, i know. we gotta do what we're paid to do.

* * *

speaking of which. there's one project that i absolutely do not look forward to finishing. even if i was paid to do what i must do.

last sunday, hindi ako nakapagsimba dahil sa kanya. meeting daw, tapos at the last minute, kinansel. kumusta naman yun. nasa meeting place na ko e. di ko na tuloy naisipang magsimba, nakalimutan ko na. bad girl talaga ko.

if i had no word of honor i would've bailed out of this project to AD for my favorite newbie director. minsan naiisip ko, sana wala na lang akong word of honor. minsan lang naman. pero at this point, di na dapat iniisip. no choice. finish what you've begun. buti na lang november pa sya magre-resume. buti na lang pahinga ko ngayon. para pagdating ng november, kahit ayoko na syang tapusin, me energy ako to deal with it. the pa-morningan, the dizzying two cameras, the royal pain, etcetera.

* * *

sana. matuloy. sana sagutin ako ng "oo" ng langit. sana, sana. cause if this pushes through, i'd be happy for the remainder of the year. wishing, hoping, praying. we need projects like this to survive. i fervently pray that the lord would give this to me.

* * *

at kumusta naman ang currently grinding comedian-child star movie. no shoot for the rest of the week. i don't know if i'm gonna be happy or sad. maybe a little of both. sana lang, matuloy itong pinagdadasal ko. i want this. i really, really want this!

* * *

sleepy. meeting a friend tonight. sana rin mag-yield to lucrative outcomes. that's all i can really think of these days, when i'm not thinking about the things that really matter.