now why didn't i think of this before

the worst person to fall for (apart from someone who doesn't dig the gender you belong to) is a non-normal neuro who's committed to someone else.

kung wala syang konsensya, baka ma-exploit ka pa. neurotics can be heartless sometimes.

* * *

but not all neuros will milk this for all it's worth.
and not all neuros will be heartless all the time.
sometimes, hindi nila masisikmura.
single or not,
attraction can't be forced.
either you're in or you're out.
at kung hindi ka naman binibigyan ng motibo,
bakit pa.
waste of time.
waste of gasoline.
waste of txt msgs and flatteries.
so stop it.

but a neuro will not tell you to stop.
they will want you to keep on,
because flattery makes them feel better about themselves.
they will not do anything about it
they will not do anything about you,
but they will not stop you.

for your sake, though,
you'd better go find someone else.

3 (contract) shooting days to go and a cameo

my, time flies. day 16 coming up tomorrow.
the last project before this was done in 24 days, i think. for project RR, god-willing, we're officially calling it a wrap on saturday.

for the american director and cast, at least. we're all guessing that once the boss direk is up and well enough to view the first cut of what we've shot, he'll call for additional shoots/reshoots. which will be approximately a month from now. give or take a week.

(figures-wise though, that, folks, should be another story.)

imagine finishing an action film of epic scale in 18 days? mehn. these two are the fastest directors i've EVER worked with. i mean really.

* * *

yesterday i was temporarily pulled out of my scripty job to do a cameo. the american director and his lead actor (who's also doubling as associate director. go figure) cast me for the role of a kid. there were no other kid-looking persons around so they picked me, and i was supposed to go up running to the lead actor to plead for help.

just for kicks, the exact lines were:

KID: Please Mr. Slade, you gotta help me. they're shooting my brothers for stealing water and they didn't do it!
SLADE: Sorry.
KID: (teary-eyed) PLEASE!

i've done bitplayer roles before in the movies i'd worked on but this one has got to top everything else, experience-wise. haha. on take one the director told me to "push" the hysteria (with rolling eyes, and i could almost hear him silently say "what can i expect, she's no pro"), so on take two, i wanted to do a better job (karirin ba? haha!). i remembered those acting classes we had in school and i just...winged it. pushed the hysterics. did the bit to the hilt. with near-tears!

when the director yelled "cut!", everyone clapped. it was the applause of co-workers cheering for their co-worker (sinu-sino pa ba ang magsusuportahan kundi kami-kami na rin lang), but i felt so embarrassed i literally hid behind my co-actor the whole time they were clapping. the director went to the set and quipped, "Saffron, YOU'RE HIRED!". for a director who doesn't mince words, that felt really uplifting.

the DOP said, "ume-3ric m0rris ha!" and i almost laughed aloud, because i WAS doing some halfhearted 3ric m0rris the whole time (a legacy of the old school). up until today my co-workers were still congratulating me for my bit performance yesterday (hehe, feel na feel ko naman). bigla ko na tuloy uli naisip yung naisip ko several months ago, nung nasa acting class pa ko: in deep, what i really want to do is act. haha.

packed up for the day

but there's a meeting later tonight.
bummer.

* * *

we shot scenes in porac, pampanga yesterday. things are getting more tense between two camps. i don't like the new direk's camp but i can't blame them for griping. things have been the way they are even during preprod. hindi na kami nagga-gripe kasi parang nasanay na kami. but these are new people and they're used to different procedures. they may be obnoxious and overbearing but they're professionals. so who can blame them.

it isn't any of my business, but the tension takes its toll sometimes. i don't want to take either sides. i just want to work. and be allowed to do my work. personally, though, i'm worried. that our shoots would be extended. and i doubt if the producers would agree to additional compensation for their workers beyond the agreed-upon wraptime.

* * *

i finally had the time to give osobear his birthday gift. it was a miniature caricature statuette of him. natuwa sya, haha. kasi guwapo yung statwa. parang mas guwapo pa nga sa kanya!

we saw indiana jones at trinoma. i was feeling sleepy midway through the movie. pambata. was a fan of the two indie movies that came before it (temple of doom and last crusade), and i think there were a few "rehashes" of old plot devices in this new installment. so-so. i knew i would be disappointed.

* * *

hay. gusto ko na lang magpahinga today e. nakakainis.

starstruck

our film doesn't have big hollywood stars. just one, and he's not even big enough to be a household name. not in these parts, no.

but MM is the biggest that we have, and he has been in two Quent1n t@rant1no films, and among our film's entire cast he is the only one who has a trailer of his own. his name sounded familiar, but i didn't know him from Adam.

and because i didn't know him, i wasn't fazed. i would approach him to tell him the scenes that were scheduled for the day. one day i was shooting in the Other Unit when i was called to the Unit One set. they said that MM was looking for "the scriptgirl", so i was called. when i arrived, Boss Direk told MM in front of everybody, "here's saffron, we missed her! very pretty, huh?", which sounded bugaw-like to me. hello!?

it was a joke, but the co-workers wouldn't stop harping about it. i felt iffy, and i knew it meant nothing, dahil malisyoso lang talaga ang mga katrabaho ko. pero biglang nailang ako. euw. i couldn't look at MM anymore. parang nabahiran.

but work, as usual, even if i tried hard not to show him that i was uncomfortable talking with him. he would insert out-of-the-blue questions like "how old are you?", "are you married?", "did you go to college?" during our scene by scene rundowns, and the discomfort started transforming into a muted kind of flattery with each day. urgh. i was becoming a fan. a schoolgirl. he was 50 years old, and he came to manila with his wife. i didn't like feeling that way, but i liked it when he would be nice to me.

just like a gullible little girl. haha.

one time he signed a personalized autograph on his script, and asked his P.A. to give it to me. that was nice, but i don't remember asking for an autographed script. haha! i told his PA, pakisabi thank you, pero gusto ko magpapicture sa kanya. the next day the PA told me that MM said that he would have his picture taken with me for one kiss a picture. haha. that's taking the whole startstruck thing a bit too far.

i had my picture taken with him, nonetheless. when i approached him for it he asked me to sit on his lap. i was aghast. in front of all those people, i was cornered. it meant nothing and i didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so i did. ang resulta, para kaming mag-ama sa picture. haha.

afterwards, MM's PA said to me (in front of MM), winking, "that's two pictures, what about the payment?"

"shut up!" i said jokingly, and went away. haha.

on his last day on our set, i got to chat up with him a bit, with the producers. he looked like a bad guy, but he was actually soft-spoken. and he could talk for hours, do his anecdotal monologues, inviting minimal interruptions, about the people he loved and missed, his family, his kids. that was a peek, and it was interesting for me. i knew that i would probably miss this old guy.

now i know i'm going to have to watch r3s3rvoir d0gs again. and pay close attention to that memorable scene where MM chopped off a guy's ear while dancing to happy music. :-)

project RR, week two

at the end of week one, the Boss Direk had to take a leave. a long one.

he was sick, and had to go under the knife. and recovery was going to last for a month. which means that we are stuck with a substitute director, who's so completely different from the Boss Direk.

Boss Direk is fatherly. compassionate, in a masculine, FPJ-like way. but this other guy...he doesn't care.

and he would always say so. everytime.
I don't care.
that's his favorite line. and each time i would remind him of a continuity detail that i felt was important, he would always shoot back at me, "If they notice that, then they're fags."

okay. so what am i here for?

i never liked directors who disregard continuity. and i HATE directors who not only disregard continuity, but also do so in an abrasive, bastos way.

and that's what he is.
bastos.
walang respeto sa bawat departamento.
hindi lang sa continuity. kundi sa audio, makeup, production design, script, and cast din. he just wants to wing it. to get it done. and finish everything by the end of the day. i think it's because hindi nya talaga pelikula to, kaya wala syang amor.

he throws his weight around the set, hurrying everyone up. kahit hindi naka-makeup ang artista, kahit hindi pa naka-lapel mic, kahit hindi kumpleto ang costumes at props, kahit hindi pa tapos ayusin ang set. he doesn't care. he will shoot.

freaking frustrating. because everyone on our set, and on other sets i've worked in in the past, have been operating on mutual respect. and consideration for everyone's work. kahit utility man na pagtimpla lang ng kape ang ginagawa, he would want to make the best coffee possible, cause that's what he's been paid to do. we would all want to do our jobs well.

that's why it's freaking frustrating. kasi panira ng career. makes me want to have my name taken off the credits as script supervisor.

people have been calling him "gago" in front of his face and he doesn't even have a clue what it means. i laugh to myself whenever i hear that.

i sorely miss Direk Bossing. i pray that he will get well soon.

week one: RR

week one of project RR almost over.
i'm acquainting myself with the minisubculture within. thank god, it's not as bad as i had expected.

they're different, but that doesn't mean they don't welcome strangers. they all call the director "boss". they've been in his team for decades, way back in the company's heydays (when foreign pictures would be shot in philippine shores thrice or four times a year). they will fetch anything for the boss even if it's outside of their line of job, and they don't mind; they're that devoted. the oldest members of the team don't even have things to do anymore, but the Boss keeps them on the payroll, because he considers them part of his company family.

he's like a god in this group, but he seems to be a good god. not the power-tripping kind, because he doesn't need to do those kinds of things--everyone will kowtow to him anyway.

he's my boss, too, even if i'm not part of the family, and in the six days that i've worked with him, i'm coming to understand where everyone's loyalty and devotion is coming from. on my part, though, my attentiveness and concern comes with the fact that he's my director. and that he has poor health. as his scriptgirl, i'm concerned about the director's stamina. as a person, i worry about the old man's health. parang tatay mo na alam mong hindi na kayang ma-subject sa stress at pagod ng environment na tulad ng sa araw-araw na movie shoots.

another realization. moviemaking is for young people. dahil pag tumanda ka na, katawan mo na mismo ang magdidikta na tumigil ka na.

it's one of those days

feeling low. what's new.
sabayan pa ng ulan sa dapithapon, on a workday that ended early.
i wanted to start right. i wanted to be on positivist mode. but i failed today. i lapsed back.

it's one of those days. when i would feel the urge to run to someone i love. and seek to be comforted. and make him make me feel better. i know it's not right. to put that kind of pressure on people. and so i held myself back.

i poured it on my dad instead. over coffee and yosi. and for some strange reason, i actually cried.

god what i'd do to have you answer my questions. to receive a new blueprint from you. all i know is what things i don't want to do anymore. and what scenarios seem attractive right now, if only they would become real to me.

* * *

i so miss you right now.
nothing would've been more perfect than you hugging me out of this quasi-misery.

and it's back to the great outdoors again

11:39 pm, pc clock says.
tomorrow i have to be up by 415 am. day 1 of Project RR starts tomorrow.

i'm starting to gain enthusiasm for this project. revving myself up. i can't start this without that, or else it will turn out to be another Compost. and i don't want another Compost. not all of it was bad--the friends were actually fun, and i think i did a good job there--but it killed my spirits for a while. it made me love the job a lot less.

i don't want a repeat. i want to do a good job, for the next 30 or so calendar days.

the Thundercat co-workers were reliving the old movie heydays again today. sigh. it depressed me enough to text both my parents and rant. nade-depress ako sa mga to, parang caught in a time warp. parang nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanila 30 years from now. ayoko.

same old rant for the past two weeks. oh well.
syempre the 'rents had a lot of wise things to say. after all, they would understand these peeps much more than i would--they're about the same age, they're there. i know. tatanda din ako. and age really ain't that big an issue. sensibilities are.

ayokong tumanda sa pelikula. not if i'm going to be in the same place that i am in now. they had great stories to tell, the experiences were impressive. but still. it's not the past, but the present that matters. it's not how far you've spread out, but how far you've gone.

i've had my time to play around options. and experience everything.
time will come when i will have to make some career choices that are possibly lifelong.
all i know right now is that i want to grow old comfortably. and i want the 'rents to grow old comfortably, as well, c/o me.

i have respect for time, age, and experience. but i don't want to find myself growing old one day and raving about the past like it were my present, mainly because the present doesn't give me as much joy.

so that out of the way, i cheered up a little when the meeting started, and i was reminded again that we were going to shoot stuff outtatown. ilocos, by the beach, sometime around june.

now that's inspiring. that's one of the things i love about shooting.
11:54 pm. enough for tonight. have to go to bed.
good luck to me, and i hope everything will go smoothly.

stop ranting

that's what beatlebum said.
pero ang sarap mag-rant.
kasi pag nilabas mo, parang gumagaan ang pakiramdam, somehow.
kaya hindi ko mapigilan.
labas lang ako nang labas.
kahit alam kong hindi dapat. at dapat maging positive thinker.

maraming pwedeng i-angst sa ngayon. not over one case. but on certain areas, in general.
pero ang nilalabas ko sa ibang tao, angst on specific things.
dahil masyado nang weirdo kung magra-rant ako over general matters.
they'd think i'm a neuro. eh secret ko yun e. haha.

* * *

i feel like i'm regressing to my old self.
the self of eons ago, siguro mga six years.
eons na yon, considering the journey.
which doesn't necessarily translate to malayo na ang pinogress ng buhay na itich.
but that's another story.

ang sarap ibalik minsan yung dating ako.
ang sarap ibalik minsan yung dating state of things.
for the moment, parang gusto ko.
for the moment, feeling ko mas magiging madali ang buhay.
vague, vague.

* * *

sa hinahaba-haba ng magiging prusisyon, ilang beses ka bang makakasalubong ng isang heckler?
everytime a heckler comes along, lagi mong iniisip, tang-inang heckler yan.
mabubwisit ka. at hindi pwedeng hindi ka na naman mag-rant.
eh laging magkakaroon ng heckler e. pano ba yan.
the earth is teeming with them, reeks of them.
so better deal with it.
kasi nakakapagod ding mabwisit, di ba.

mas malalim naman siguro ang pagkakakilala sa yo ng naglagay sa yo sa prusisyon.
hindi sila basta basta masu-sway ng isang heckler.
there must have been something in you that they'd seen that made them put you in that procession.
that doesn't mean you're better than anyone else. just that the ones who put you there must've seen something in you that they liked.
kaya kahit gano pa ka-convincing ang mga hecklers sa bawat barrio na madadaanan nyo.
kahit ilang hecklers pa yan, sa bawat kanto at bawat sulok ng ruta nyo.
hindi basta basta maiiba ang mga bagay-bagay.

hindi ganon ang pinasukan mo.
hindi ganon ang konsepto.
at maniwala ka na nagkakaintindihan kayo ng kausap mo sa konseptong ng prusisyong to.
mas malalim kesa sa iniisip mo.

so stop fretting.
and stop ranting.
and let it go.

dahil mahaba pa ang prusisyon. at nakakapagod ding mabwisit sa walang kawawaan.

* * *

hindi sa iisang aspeto ng pagkatao ng isang tao nakasalalay ang value nya bilang isang tao.
hindi lang yon ang basehan.
masyadong mababaw.
nakakasira ng araw. mo, at ng iba.

* * *

ang sarap sarap kayang mabuhay.
why do i insist on choosing to see the ugly side of things?
bakit pag masaya, natatakot na agad akong may malungkot na bwelta?
hindi naman ganon e.
god gives blessings with no conditions, no strings.

prayers. baka yun ang solusyon.
dahil ang mga taong malapit sa diyos, kadalasan masaya at optimistic.
tulad ng dati kong officemate.
ibang iba kami noon.
kung merong black and white sa opisina, kaming dalawa na yon.
syempre ako ang black.
at tumatak na sa utak ko yun.
hanggang ngayon, dala-dala ko pa rin.

* * *

lahat ng bagay na nangyayari sa tin, merong iniiwan.
we think we'd gotten past it, we think we'd forgotten. but no.
darating ang panahon, lulutang na lang ang baggages nang walang pasubali. at an opportune time. given the right stimulus.

the subconscious doesn't forget. unfortunately.

* * *

12:44 am. may 9 am meeting pa bukas.
i should sleep. but i'm bothered, and i can't stop.
ranting. angst-ing.
nami-miss ko si avril lavigne.
wanna go to the beach.
wanna be happy.
and i so friggin want to choose to be.
why is it so friggin hard.

* * *

keanna.
sabi ni monj, she'll grow up to become a beautiful cat.
i know.
naisipan ko na ng regalo si osobear para sa haberday nya.
ang hirap tapatan ng isang keanna, pero best effort na lang. tutal mahilig sya sa action figures, bibigyan ko sya ng isang Mini-Osobear.
sana magustuhan nya.

waterfowl is free and flying

happy ako for you, kahit hindi ko alam ang buong storya.
right now, parang na-inspire ako sa nababasa ko sa current life mo.
sana magtuloy-tuloy na yan. :-)

whatever big thing it is.
pati ang happiness.
at renewed optimism (kahit may kahalong anxiety).

i'm raring to see you again. :-)

on the other hand...

nakakabuhay...
...ang isang stick ng marlboro menthol
...ang isang tasa ng mainit na 3 in 1 San Mig coffee
...ang isang rainshower, any time of the day
...ang makita ang alaga mong pussykitten na tumatakbo papunta sa yo, in all her glorious cuteness
...ang kumain ng paborito mong pagkain
...ang isipin ang talent fee na ipinangako sa yo
...ang isipin ang downpayment na (sabi nila) ay makukuha mo very soon
...makipag-usap at makipagtawanan sa isang malapit na kaibigan
...makasama ang mahal mo sa buhay
...isipin na may pag-asa ka pang mangarap
...isipin ang mga pelikulang pwede mo pa ring gawin balang-araw
...isipin na bata ka pa, at 28 years old
...isipin na mahal ka ng mahal mo
...mag-song-and-dance sa videoke bar kasama ang mga kaibigan mo
...tumawa
...ang flattery na dulot ng atensyon ng isang taong kinagigiliwan mo
...mag-shopping ng mga pirated DVDs ng mga hard-to-find movies sa sulok-sulok ng Makati Cinema Square
...manood ng isang pelikulang gustong-gustong-gusto mo
...gumising sa umaga nang umuulan at malamig
...isipin na may bukas pa. (haha, chos)

nakakapagod...

...magnitpick ng detalye sa isang continuity breakdown for 160+ sequences.

...maglakad sa kahabaan ng megamall buong maghapon, dala-dala ang 1kilo-kabigat na bag (na naglalaman ng script, laptop, charger, at kung anu-ano pang abubot).

...maghintay nang walang ginagawa sa opisina when you can think of a dozen places you'd want to be at that very moment.

...bwisitin ang sarili.

...mainis sa sarili dahil alam mong ikaw ang non-normal neuro, hindi sila.

...isipin ang mga susunod na araw, dahil alam mong malapit ka na namang mabilad, mangitim, mapagod, mapuyat, manlimahid sa bawat shooting day na bubunuin mo kasama ang mga lolo't lola.

...bwisitin ang sarili, at idamay ang mga nasa paligid mo.

...isipin na kelangan mo nang balikan ang 160-seq continuity breakdown, dahil 11:30 na at deadline mo na bukas (gayong hindi mo pa nga sya nasisimulang busisiin).

...mainis sa mga tao nang walang basehan.

...mainis sa sarili dahil wala namang basehan ang pagkainis mo sa mga tao.

...mainis sa sarili dahil sadya kang pinanganak na pessimist.

...mainis sa sarili dahil kahit gustuhin mo mang magpaka-optimist, isang bagay lang talaga yata ang tinadhanang Achilles Heel mo.

...mangarap at umasang darating pa ang Ultimate Summer Vacation of the Year.

...mapagod at magpakapagod nang walang katuturan.

on anger

Feelings aren't optional. It's not like you've got an actual choice, they're just there.

What you do once you recognize them is another matter.

Like, I can't control kung super galit na galit ako, pero I can control kung anong pwede kong gawin sa galit na yun.

If galit ako right now, galit ako eh. Hindi ko naman pwede sabihin sa sarili ko na, "hey don't get mad na." Pigilan ko ba naman yun? Edi lalo akong sumabog. Shempre, iintayin ko namang lumamig ang ulo ko. Coz for sure, it will eventually happen.

It doesn't mean na if me galit ako sa isang tao, I dwell on it forever at dun umiikot ang mundo ko. NO. It's not like that. What I feel on a certain period can differ from another point.

Whether mababaw or not, I don't care. It's my feelings. Ako ang nasaktan at ako ang galit.

Ewan ko kung ganyan kayo, pero ganyan ako.

i got this blog entry from xuagram. an eye opener.
we are entitled to our own feelings. we shouldn't apologize for it.

goodbye, summer

and it just passed me by.
no beaches, nothing.
not even a huge lababo to dip me-self in.

by choice. i was waiting for the Big Vacation.
the ultimate summer getaway of the year.
and by waiting, i passed on a lot of chances.

that doesn't mean i missed out on a lot, though.
i might have saved myself from a lot of things as well.

* * *

rain in may. i love it.
we love it.
not-so-many rainy mays ago, rainy days used to make me think of love.
now is no different.
rainy day or not.
which doesn't make rainy days special anymore.
and so i have to associate it with other things now.

* * *

keanna is starting to use her claws.
still soft, but sharp. fresh from her mother's womb.
i bought her a litter box and a collar that's too big for her.
i learned about that way too late.
i love her, still. even if she's starting to be clingy.
i hope she doesn't grow up to be one of those annoying types.

* * *

a new movie starts grind on may 9.
hay.
gut feel from first meeting: i'm not so excited about this project.
the feeling has no logical explanation.
is it because puro old-school thundercats ang mga katrabaho ko at ako ang pinakabata sa team?
because i'm afraid of another Compost Movie setup (bloody action movie, bloody continuity, bloody long hours, bloody long shooting days)
because i'm tired of continuity?

bakit hindi ganito ang feeling ko nung sinimulan ko ang Silly Movie two months ago?

and now people are resigning.
the AD.
the PM.
tsk tsk.
i had started with a wrong gut feel.
now i'm a bit tempted, kahit walang rason para umalis.

i'll find out when i see the contract.
because, honestly, it's primarily about the figures.
in this project, i work for that.

* * *

they ask everyone to multi-task. that is, do stuff that's outside of their designated D&Rs.
they asked the AD to buy props. hello?
no wonder he resigned.
they asked the PM to buy props. and today he resigned, too.
if they ask me to buy props tomorrow, i don't know what i'll do.
but leaving is starting to become a very tempting, though impractical, option.

it all depends on the figures.