sick weekend

the past three days weren't exactly party days for me, but i thank god for a huge blessing: wala kaming shoot today and tomorrow.

a huge blessing, dahil kelangan ko talaga ng pahinga. been sick with the flu for days, at kung hindi binigay samin ang dalawang araw na 'to, hindi ko alam kung masusurvive ko ang paglalagare sa mga susunod na araw.

bait talaga ni lord. you can't have everything, but you'll have just enough things in life to keep you going.

--

hay. gusto ko ng maraming pera. pero kung hindi talaga para sa kin ang maging mayaman, tatanggapin ko na rin. basta kung ano ang mga blessing na meron ako ngayon, andito pa din.

if i am right to be happy about certain things in my life right now, i can live with the status quo.

--

may nakita akong napakagandang mukha sa internet, hollywood celeb daw sya pero di ko alam ang pangalan nya. peaches and cream ang kutis nya, golden blonde hair, siguro mga 17-19 years old, ang amo-amo ng mukha. tinry kong hanapin ang name nya sa internet pero napagod na ko. haha.

nung 11-12 y.o. ako drowing ako nang drowing ng mukha ng babae, hoping to come up with the "perfect" female face. the best i could come up with had round wide eyes, an oval face, a pert nose, and dressed pretty conservatively. through the years nag-evolve na din ang perception ko ng feminine beauty. kung dati hindi ako nagagandahan sa mga chinita, ngayon na-realize ko na may mga chinita nga pala talagang magaganda. at hindi lahat ng caucasian at malaki ang mata, maganda.

never naman akong na-tung in this lifetime pero unabashed talaga ang admiration ko when it comes to beautiful women. maybe because in deep, i wish i could be as beautiful as them.

---

*&^)$@#)(_+#~!@#$#

sick, sick girl.

they make a cute pair

she's not uber pretty. pero magkamukha sila. pag magkamukha daw ang dalawang tao, nagkakatuluyan.

he posts dozens of pictures of the two of them together on friendster. parang proud na proud. it must mean that he loves her a lot. either that, or ganun lang talaga sya pag may gf. ganun lang talaga sya magmahal.

may mga lalakeng ganun. those who would proudly tell the whole world (or sa www) that they're in love with the woman they love. ang cute, parang straight out of a st@r c1nem@ movie.

four years ago, he was asking me out for coffee. single pa sya noon. i didn't take it seriously. kasi he's too tall. anubayun. sabi ko din sa sarili ko, di ko type ang mga chinito at mas bata sa kin. kebs kung maganda pa ang background nya. kahit mukhang malinis at mapapagkatiwalaan. i felt that if we went out for coffee (kahit under the pretext of me giving him a coffee of my thesis film, which he said he liked), he would eventually end up as Just Another Coffee Date. just another of those forgettable, Not-The-One ones.

minsan mababaw ang basehan. pano mo ba masasabi kung ang isang tao ay hindi ang The One? minsan, wrong timing lang. minsan, masama lang ang gising mo. minsan maiisip mo, sana binigyan mo ng chance yung sarili mo, yung tao. para at least, hindi ka nag-iisip ng mga what-ifs.

(naiisip ko lang naman ang mga what-ifs pag annoyed ako kay osobear. and this is one of those moments. for some asinine, non-normal girl's reason).

water under the bridge. all that is. i'm actually glad to see that he's happy, with someone whom he seems to love a lot.

bossing

matagal ko nang napapansin 'to sa kin.
in any work environ, i'm aloof towards whoever's The Boss. usually, almost always.

being aloof is an effort to hide the fact that in deep, i'm intimidated by them. by authority, in general, or whoever it is "up there" that has the power to judge or evaluate me. it's almost a...reflex (?) thing, something that i can't help, and something that i wish i could change. kasi, nasa showbiz tayo. dapat nga, mas bibuhan pa ang pakikitungo sa mga bossing, dahil sila ang may capacity para tulungan tayong rumaket everywhere.

pero, tsk.
i'm socially crippled.

di ko alam kung anong pinanggalingan nito. siguro dahil to kay miss pineda.

teacher ko si miss pineda nung prep. lagi na lang yata akong may nagagawang mali kaya lagi akong napapagalitan. minsan pinauwi nya ko dahil nakalimutan kong dalhin yung math book ko. buti na lang yung bahay ko sa tapat lang ng skwelahan namin.haha.

hindi ko masabing terror si miss pineda, pero "mataray" ang pagkakaalala ko sa kanya. and back then i had a feeling that she really didn't like me very much. minsan tinawag nya kong "ulyanin"--at that time hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin nung "ulyanin", kaya pag-uwi ko tinanong ko sa mama ko kung ano nga ba yung "ulyanin". eto namang overprotective na mama ko, nagalit, sinabihan si miss pineda na wag tatawaging "ulyanin" ang anak nya. haha. sa akin bumuwelta yung ginawa ng nanay ko, dahil sabi ni miss pineda a few days later, nagsusumbong pa daw ako sa nanay ko, e totoo naman daw na makakalimutin ako. hehehe.

hay. di ko na alam kung anong nangyari kay miss pineda, pero alam ko after her marami pang teachers akong minahal at somekinda nagmahal din naman sa kin, kaya di ko rin alam kung tama bang sisihin sya sa pagiging socially-screwed up ko ngayon.

* * *

the other day i went back to the mother studio's office for a preprod meeting. nakita ko yung first boss ko in showbiz, si tbd. bigla akong nakaramdam ng nostalgia, for some reason. bigla ko syang na-miss. strangely, sinabi ko sa kanya yon, to her surprise. haha. mas madali talagang maging expressive when the boss is no longer the boss.

pumasok ako sa first job ko na scared of the big bad world. fresh grad, and tbd was technically my first "nanay". kaso hindi naman sya yung tipong mother hen--she herself admitted it--kaya left to our own survival mechanisms kaming mga anak nya. nung nag-resign ako ng 2004, sabi ko sa exit interview ko, "you're the best boss i've had". at ang tongue-in-cheek reply nya: "i'm the only boss you've ever had, saffron." haha. honganaman. pero actually, mabait na nanay pa tong si tbd. some fresh grads have had worse.

on the same day that i saw tbd, nakita ko din yung nanay of all nanays dun, for the first time since The Day that Put a Period on Things. she gave me a big warm hug, na sobrang na-appreciate ko. alam ko ganun sya sa lahat ng mga subordinates (past and present) nya, pero na-touch pa rin ako sa hug. hanggang ngayon pala naghahanap pa rin ako ng nanay. :-P

* * *

sa lahat ng mga naging direktor (boss) ko, pa-isa dalawa, tatlo pa lang yata yung masasabi kong naging "semblance" of nanay sa kin ever. isa pa sa kanila, nachugi na (hope you're happy where you are, manong). minsan nakakainggit din yung mga utaw na may masasabing "mentor" sa karerang pinasukan nila. hindi subordinate-boss ang relationship, mas mentor-student.

sana makahanap pa rin ako ng ganun. yung boss na maituturing kong nanay (o tatay). kung mangyari yun, it might just erase the legacy of Miss Pineda in this screwed-up mind, for good. :-P

shoptalks with myself and other inanities

not feeling well, physically. mentally and else, i'm gathering myself up for a storm.

i dreamed last night that i was in an amusement park. and because of work, i was forced to ride in a ferris wheel, which i'd always hated, being a halukay-bituka ride and all. but in my dream, surprisingly, i actually enjoyed it. eyes-closed, but enjoyed it nonetheless.

i'm taking on the ferris wheel soon. nothing big, nothing new, but if things go as planned, the coming days will see me on a juggling spree--balls up in the air, here and there, with barely enough breathing space in between.

they called me back for the hottie director project. they're agreeing on the terms i offered--pag may araw na sasapaw sa isang previous commitment, i'll get a sub. we have yet to talk about it, but it seems that it's gonna be a go. as scriptcon, mahirap maglagare ng dalawang projects nang sabay. one way or another something will suffer somehow, but i'm determined to keep that from happening this time. for mama, papa, iye, keanna, and myself. all systems go na ito, heart mind and body. char!

this morning the bukidnon project resurfaced. moved na daw ang grind date, pwede na daw ba ko. my ultimate panghihinayang. 3 weeks in bukidnon with @ng3l, p10l0, and one of the mother studio's premiere direks. parang trabaho na bakasyon. pero malabo nang isama ang bolang to sa tatlong ija-juggle ko for the next several weeks. kahit sayang.

last day na kami for my friend's indie film sa aug28. we've only been shooting for four days. hah. indie. keri naman ng friend ko, uber bilis nya! ayokong iwanan ang project na to, kahit magsisimula nang mag-grind yung hottie direk's movie sa aug26. isang araw na lang naman.

yung project RR lang ang medyo malabo pang kausap ngayon. til now they haven't set a reshoot date. meeting lang ng meeting. have to follow this up soon.

three days ago i was too sick to go out. got a temp and body-wracking coughs and colds. still not fully well now, but i have two days to rest. have to make myself well in time for the whirlwind days ahead.

* * *

sayang yung videoke date sana namin nina beatlebum and marc. hay. ted, sana iresked natin to.

* * *

the other night was back-to-back bigscreen night. went to see AVSL and the X Files. liked AVSL kaso couldn't help comparing it to 1 more chance. which is unfair, kasi magkaibang materyal naman sila. could relate to laida's early stages of infatuation (shet, naaalala ko yung film 171 prof ko na sobrang ni-love ko din nung unang panahon...parang sya si miggy, except that my prof was gay. actually para din syang frog princess diaries ko, except that peer ko si f.g. at--yun din--bading sya), pero nung nagsisimula nang pansinin ni miggy si laida, a huge part of me was revolting. NO, HINDI YAN NANGYAYARI SA TOTOONG BUHAY! haha. parang pantasya kasi ng every unrequited lover everywhere...at bitter ako kasi hindi sya nangyari sa kin ever! heh!

the X-Files, on the other hand, was a TV episode that was played out at length on the big screen. maganda syang episode, at maganda rin ang big screen na pinanooran namin, kaso it lacks the "bigness" that i was expecting of the tv show's film version. naintriga lang akong panoorin kasi sabi ng nanay at tatay ko kamukha ni osobear si david duchovny. ha!ha! (at ang sagot ni osobear: "hindi ba si BENdavid duchovny..?" tsk. corny!)

* * *

gusto kong mapanood yung "jay". soon or someday. :-)

kung pwedeng umeskapo via avsl...

...ginawa ko na. kaso next week ko pa sya mapapanood. baka by that time, hindi ko na kelangang umeskapo.

ang guwapo ni lloydy sa trailer.
gusto kong makatrabaho yung direk. mahaba pa naman ang buhay.

sobrang naging popular ang sundance. kahit mga lalake (hindi sila market ng mga movies na tulad ng avsl), familiar sa sayaw. sabi ni osobear, manonood lang daw sya ng avsl kung may libreng passes. haha.

buti na lang binigyan kami ng passes ni wtrfwl at penguin. may extra pang isa, kaya baka isama namin si keanna.

gusto ko ng pelikulang pang-eskapo!

* * *

the prestige. i saw it on HBO last night.
like ko tong pelikulang to. hindi ko ma-pinpoint kung anong genre nya, pero it works for me. ang galing talaga ni nolan. naka-eskapo ako kagabi dahil sa the prestige.

kumusta naman ang yummy christian bale dito? mas gusto ko sya pag may laman sya ng onti. even the grim line that is his mouth beefs up into a kissable (?!) pout when he fills out. parang nagkakahawig sila ng konti ni keanu reeves, the love of my highschool life. haha, pathetic no?

ano bang magandang palabas sa sinehan.
sassy girl, chick flick. napanood ko na yung asian version, baka madisappoint lang ako.

ano pa ba. ano pa ba. ano pa baaa.

non-normal

hindi ako naniniwala na "yun" ang normal. kasi kung "yun" ang normal, eh kebs na. i'd rather keep on dreaming of the abnormal and impossible than settle for the so-called "norm".

* * *

went out for cigarettes. wonderful weather, downcast and windy. i rarely go out of the house except when i'm leaving for work or someplace else, but i was glad for the fresh air.

this is not my best day.

* * *

i'm wracked with coughs and a slightly worsening cold. gusto ko sanang lumabas. meet up with friends, etc. pero wag ngayon. i wouldn't be the most animated person to be with.

osobear and i are seeing some movie tomorrow. same old, same old. i'm tired of routines right now. i just want to see him more often. maybe i'll make that my major angst in life. kesa naman mag-angst sa mga mas nakakadepress na bagay.

sana matapos na ang araw na to. sana bukas na.

ang ganda ganda ng pusa ko. pero kahit sobrang nagagandahan ako sa kanya at nahahawakan, nakakatabi ko sya, a moment always comes when i don't know what to do with her beauty.

i wish i could sleep. i can't.

i wish there are bigger dreams, bigger sources of happiness. i wish i were more hopeful.

i long for someone to talk to. pero di ko na sila iistorbohin. they did not come into my life to play the role of a shrink.

* * *

i know. i'll make coffee.
coffee will be my ultimate source of happiness. at least for the moment.

"challenging" day

masaya na sanang nagsimula ang araw ko ngayon. gumising ako ng 7am para tapusin yung remnants ng assignment ko from a future co-worker (haha. talagang future). 10 am, na-email ko na. masaya ko kasi hindi ko in-expect na jugalicious me would actually get it done within the morning.

may 1130 am meeting daw for project:rr. kahapon napag-isipan ko nang hindi pumunta (pano, meeting nang meeting, wala naman masyadong nangyayari...hanggang ngayon wala pa ring naka-set na exact date for reshoots. aksaya lang ng oras at pamasahe), kaso na-realize ko na baka isipin ng sekretarya ni boss direk (na nabukelya ako sa isang pagsisinungaling re: attendance sa meetings, some weeks ago) na nagdadahilan na naman ako. at isa pa, feeling ko kahapon, yung meeting ngayon ang magde-define ng exact date of reshoots. at kelangan ko nang malaman yun asap.

1135, andun ako sa ortigas. may homework pa kong kelangan tapusin within the day, kaya balak ko lumarga na as soon as matapos ang meeting. 1230 na, wala pa si boss direk. nagsisimula na kong mainip/mainis. i could've been somewhere else, doing more important things than wait.

1pm na. namuti na ang mata naming lahat. naubusan na ng pag-uusapan. bumaba na ko sa ground floor (nasa 25th floor kami) para magyosi at nakabalik na uli. tsaka pa lang sinabi na hindi makakarating ang boss direk, at ireresked na lang daw ang miting.

wala akong masabi. hindi ako naiinis ke boss direk per se. naiinis ako sa ginawa nya. di ko alam ang reasons nya--malamang masama ang pakiramdam, recuperating from chemo pa kasi--pero HAY. sayang ang oras ng mga taong dumayo dun para sa wala--(ah, me pinabaon ng pala sa min ng puto't kutsinta, supposedly meryenda namin yun sa meeting). sayang ang pang-gas sa sasakyan. mabuti kung lahat kami, kapitbahay lang yung meeting venue. putcha, bumabagtas pa ko ng dalawang ilog at sandamukal na highway para lang makarating ng ortigas e.

sabi ko, hamo na. hindi ko na nga lang maipa-promise na next time makakaattend pa ko, dahil may iba din akong commitments, at hindi naman umiikot ang mundo naming lahat sa project RR. kelangan din naming kumita, kasi hindi pa buo ang sweldo namin galing sa inyo, remember? kakainis talaga pag naaalala ko. pero sabi ko nga. kebs na. hindi naman si boss direk ang may kasalanan kung bakit hindi pa kumpleto ang sweldo naming lahat. pero siguro naman may nagawa sya kahit papano para hindi kami paghintayin kanina nang halos dalawang oras.

hamo na.

fly ako sa qc para kumubra ng paycheck ko from a one-day raket long, long ago. in fairness, excited ako, kasi antagal din akong pinaghintay (pagkatapos ng ilang buwang pangungulit sa AP...in a nice way. haha). tapos pagkakita ko, ay buwitre. ganon na ba kalaki ang kinakaltas ng SSS,Philhealth,etcetera sa TFs ng mga freelancer? nalula ako, dahil kung ia-assume ko yung standard TF ng isang 2nd AD sa kumpanyang yon, aba eh 75% ang nawala. na hindi naman nag-reflect sa payslip. feeling ko computer error, o sobrang exploiter lang ang show na yon dahil sa sobrang baba ng tf na binibigay sa mga rumaraket sa kanya.

bad trip talaga, kasi antagal mo na ngang pinaghintay, tapos ganito pa.

sa loob ng company compound nakasalubong ko yung nag-elaborate sa kin ng The SEcret. syempre naalala ko na naman yung The SEcret. at that time nag-uumapaw ako sa negative feelings. na-double whammy kasi ako, kaya ang angst-y ko. pero bad nga daw yun, sabi ng The SEcret. dapat laging positive vibes.

in fairness, naiba ko naman ang timpla ko kahit papano. umuwi ako nang medyo pagod at nanlulumo sa nasayang na umaga at hapon pero ok pa rin naman. dahil at least mas marami pa ring bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat kesa mga bagay na dapat ikalungkot.

thank you pa din, lord.
hindi 'to bad day. emotionally "challenging" lang.
and the best thing about it is that tomorrow will be another day.

haha. hetchus! :-)

pero teka...

...tama ba ko?

hanggat hindi pa nagsisimulang mag-grind ang isang project, di ba hindi pa considered breach of ethics ang pagback-out, kasi hindi mo pa naman nasimulan?

what do you think?

naguguluhan na naman ako. pero kelangan din sigurong i-factor-in ang personal relationships mo with your co-workers. yung pinag-commit-an mo. kahit may pwede kang maging substitute at hindi naman maaantala ang production nila dahil sa pag-alis mo, your leaving also tells a lot about your level of commitment to them, at the very least, if not loyalty.

feeling ko naman tama ang naging desisyon ko. after all, i did pray to god before penguin read his quotable quote aloud. :-)

salamat kay penguin at sa quotable quote nya

when you can't decide, pray.

i prayed. na sana tulungan niya akong magdesisyon. mabilis ang reply talaga ni lord. salamat salamat lord.

* * *

dumating ang bukidnon project. gustong gusto ko sya. kaso masasagasaan ang isang project na nao-oohan ko na. umasa ako, sana ma-move ang grind date ng bukidnon, para makasama ako sa kanila pareho.

na-move nga ang grind date nya. kaso, na-move din ang grind date ng project kung saan ako naka-commit, kaya sapaw pa rin. i resigned myself to the fact na hindi talaga ako makakasama sa bukidnon. nakakahiya kasi sa producer at direk ng dream team; nung umalis ako para mag-aral, iniwan ko sila, tapos ngayong nagbalik ako, they were happy to take me back in.

tapos, eto na naman.
isang project na idederehe ng hottest direktor ng mother studio. putcha. gusto ko. as in. gusto kong sumama sa team nya. dahil alam kong pwede nya kong tangayin sa marami pang proyekto kung magustuhan nya ang trabaho ko.

ang tindi ng temptation. napaisip ako.

wala pa naman akong pinirmahan sa kabila, verbal lang naman ang commitment ko. legally speaking, pwede pang magbail out. pwede kong sabihin na hindi ako pinayagan ng mother studio (kasi may kontrata ko, bunga ng scholarship nung unang panahon). na may right of first offer (whatever it's called) ang mother studio--pag walang project sa loob, tsaka ka lang papayagang lumabas.

ang siste, kaya ko bang sabihin 'to sa produ with honesty in my voice? kaya ko bang idahilan 'to nang hindi makakaramdam ng guilt?

dahil ang totoo, kung pragmatism ang pag-uusapan, gugustuhin kong piliin yung projects na dadalhin ako sa bukidnon. at/o yung may direktor na hindi ko pa nakatrabaho at isa sa mga pangarap kong makatrabaho. at/o yung may mga artistang dati ko nang nakatrabaho at gusto kong makatrabaho uli. at yung projects na may certain level of prestige at alam kong magiging sparkling addition sa resume ko as scriptcon.

not to say na hindi magiging sparkling addition sa resume itong project na pinag-commitan ko. maayos sya. okay din naman ang direktor, isa sa mga pinakamagaling na direktor na nakatrabaho ko. pero hindi nya ko dadalhin sa bukidnon. hindi sya pelikula ng mother studio. and i doubt kung payayamanin nya ko for the span of time na tatrabahuhin ko sya.

madaling mag-backout kung iisipin, pero nagi-guilty ako. at natatakot ako na mag-burn ng bridges sa mga taong nagtiwala sa kin at matagal ko din namang nakatrabaho.
tinawagan ko ang isa kong kaibigan, si penguin. in response, may binasa syang quotable quote:

The highest courage is daring to be yourself in the face of adversity,
choosing right over wrong,
ethics over convenience,
truth over popularity.

These are the choices that measure our life.
Travel the path of integrity without looking back,
for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.

ang corny pakinggan, pero dahil sa quotable quote ni penguin, alam ko na bigla ang gagawin ko. siguro nga yun ang sagot ni lord sa dasal ko.

a promise is a promise. may kasulatan man o wala.
there's a thin line between pragmatism and ethics, at konsensya na lang ang magiging guide mo. you can never go wrong with your conscience.
sayang, pero hindi rin. dahil walang pera o prestige na pwedeng mag-compensate for professional integrity.

sabi nga ng nanay ko, ganun talaga. may mga opportunities talaga na kailangang palampasin, dahil may nauna na. at least you kept your word. here's hoping na marami pang ibang opportunities ang darating, at sana by that time, kering-keri na. no regrets, bagets!

salamat kay penguin at sa quotable quote nya!

mabilis mag-reply si lord...

so long as alam nyang makakabuti para sa marami ang wish mo.
thank you lord. for little blessings that you throw my way. i need them badly at this point.

* * *

the Once-Favorite Direk got in touch with me this afternoon.
a wish is a prayer your heart makes.

i wish for bukidnon. for bright happy days in the pinyahan.
i wish for smiles on my parents' faces. and mine.
i wish for a before-sunrise packup tomorrow.
i wish for a still-energetic and long-lasting me the day after tomorrow.
i wish for a positive reply from ate lolit this week, or next.
i wish for schedules that will work themselves out.
i wish for enough wisdom to be able to make the right decisions.
i wish for a smiling, happier me.
i wish for the OFD's positive correspondence soon.

i wish. i pray. for sunshine to stream through my windows. because i mean well, for everyone.

* * *

i miss my osobear.
last weekend we stormed the mall for the 3-day sale. he's a born shopper. his high EQ probably helps a lot. haha.

shopping tips from the osobear:
1. haggle, haggle. it's a quasi-art that takes patience, if not expertise. don't end the search in one shop alone. scour 'em all 'til you find the best price (kahit na sumakit ang paa mo sa kakaparit-parito at pabalik-balik)
2. know what you want and don't settle for anything less without at least trying to find the one you really want (again, kahit sumakit ang paa mo sa kakapanik-panaog at paglilibot-libot).
3. always make sure that you're getting your money's worth, quality-wise.
4. take advantage of mall-wide sales (kahit sobrang siksikan ang mall at para kang dilis na nagsu-swimming sa dagat ng tao). it just might save you a lot from acquiring good buys, especially necessities.
5. tutal andun ka na, sulitin mo na---mentally check kung nabili mo na ba ang lahat ng dapat mong bilhin (kahit yung mga tipo ng gamit na hindi naman uber-kelangan pero maaring maging pampaginhawa ng daily life mo). pero syempre, make sure na nasa budget ka pa rin.
6. magdala ng malaking bag para sa mga bibilhin. (pero sana wag yung bag na mandudunggol ng mga nakakasalubong, baka mapaaway ka pa nang di oras. hehe).

honestly, nakakapagod kasamang mag-shopping si osobear. daig pa nya ang babae sa pagiging metikuloso. pero hindi ako nagrereklamo (kahit naka-heels ako that day at muntik nang mapatid ang strap ng sapatuz ko). kasi masaya ko basta kasama ang paborito kong oso! awuawoo!

naisip ko, kung ang style nya ng pagsha-shopping ay pareho ng style sa pagpili ng nyowa, aba eh touched naman ako. haha. at syempre, being madaldal me, sinabi ko talaga yun!

sabi nya, "ayan, nagfo-flowchart ka na naman ng tao." na ang ibig sabihin eh gumagawa na naman daw ako ng "trending" sa behavioral patterns nya. sabi ko, oo nga, may "if-then" syndrome na naman ako. masyado ko namang fina-flatter ang sarili ko, oy! haha!

hindi naman lahat ng trends eh consistent. eh di sana hindi ko naging osobear si osobear, dahil consistently badinggerzi ang lahat ng mga nagugustuhan ko non. although hindi pa naman too late, baka eventually eh mahawahan ko din si oso ng kavaklahan ko.

type! :-)

never again

i got drunk last night. and it wasn't a very wise thing to do.
my mother called me to ask me where i was. which was strange, because it was only 10 pm. i said i was with a co-worker, at shakey's. my voice was slurred, i knew. i was tipsy, but i was lucid.

one proof that i was was that i was conscious. and could still sense things. and still harbored the same reactions to those things that i could sense as when i'm sober.

same, but with significantly more tolerance.
kumbaga, hindi ka magagalit sa tao, hindi mo pepersonalin.
kaso, pag lasing lang ako ganon.

waking up to memories of last night, i wake up to blechs. dahil kung sakali mang tama ang na-sense ko kagabi, kadiri. alibadbad. kung sakaling totoo, i would feel betrayed. for trusting, and considering someone as a friend, tapos ganon.

kasi YUCK. dahil anak ako, at may tatay ako. at hello. ka-edad nyo po sya. at nakakababa ng respeto sa inyo, kung sakali man. nakakabetray, at nakakababa ng respeto sa tao, at nakakaalibadbad. sana mali ako, sana lasing ako talaga kagabi, at mali ang suspetsa ko, dahil nakakadismaya kung tama pala ako.

just minutes ago my mom said she called me last night kasi bigla daw syang kinabahan kagabi, for some reason. na-bother ako sa sinabi nya. sabi ko, katrabaho ko ang kasama ko at safe ako. sabi nya, you never really know people unless they're you. or something to that effect.

ayokong mag-isip ng masama sa ibang tao. pero just to be sure, never again.

ang sarap mag-cuddle pag umuulan

this morning i caught the final scene of "sphere", a submarine movie about a bunch of people trapped underwater with a mysterious alien ball that could turn one's desires and fears into reality.

i'd seen this film ten years ago, in the big screen, pero di ko na masyadong matandaan ang mga detalye. apparently halos lahat ng nasa submarine na yon ay pessimists, dahil imbes na yung desires nila ang natupad, ang na-pickup na vibes ng sphere ay yung mga fears nila, na nagkatotoo, which caused the demise of 'em all.

in the final scene dustin hoffman says, (almost to himself): we are such a primitive race...we let it bring out the worst instead of the best in us...we are not yet ready for such a thing of power.

naalala ko na naman ang the secret. the laws of attraction.

kung ime-marry natin ang "sphere" at ang laws of attraction, pwedeng maging physicalized metaphor ang sphere ng uniberso. matakot ka sa pwedeng gawin sa yo ng sansinukuban kung lagi kang nag-iisip ng nega. pero kung positive thinker ka, kakampi mo ang sphere, ang uniberso. it can make your desires and wishes come true.

gusto kong maging positive thinker. or at least, bawasan ang pagiging nega. because the "sphere" is everywhere, just waiting to pick up the vibes i give out, just waiting to respond "accordingly".

optimism begets success. love begets love. positivity begets positivity!

easier said (and written) than done.
pero shet, let's think positive.

* * *

finally, kahapon, natapos ko na yung ppt na tatlong buwan ko na yatang utang. na-email ko na. ngayon antay na lang ng feedback. sana positive.

of course, it will be positive! because the world can be ours!
haha.

seriously. i believe. mabibigyan ko ng pambakasyon abroad ang mama at papa ko dahil sa project na to.

:-)

* * *

ang sarap itulog ng maulang dapithapon. cuddling my keanna.
she's growing prettier everyday.
she's soft everywhere.
soft fur, soft tummy, soft paws, soft features.
coffee color coat becoming more and more vivid.
blue eyes, bluer than ever.

and she loves me. follows me everywhere. even to the bathroom.
she lets me hold her for as long as i want.
cuddles with me on rainy days like this.

i love my keanna!