ang boyfriend ay parang sinigang

two days ago, sabi ko, ang sarap kumain ng sinigang pag tapos mo na ang trabaho mo.

akala ko off the hook na ko sa trabaho for the weekend, kaya nagschedule na ng lakad with osobear sa sunday. dahil headwriter naman ang usually nagfa-final draft ng script namin. yun na ang SOP.

pero dahil birthday nya today at minor lang naman ang revisions ng direktor, biglang kami na ang pinag-revise niya. monday ang deadline. blag.

okay lang naman, dahil actually trabaho naman ng writer ang mag-revise. kaso parang gusto ko na namang kumain ng sinigang. KASO hindi ko pa deserve kumain ng sinigang. mas masarap ang sinigang pag wala ka nang iniintindi, pag tapos na ang trabaho mo.

mas masarap din mag-badminton and movie date with osobear kung wala ka nang iniintindi at tapos na ang trabaho mo.

pwede ko rin naman i-cancel with osobear, iresched na lang sa ibang araw. kaso antagal na naming hindi lumalabas. kaya para hindi mapurnada ang lakad ko sa sunday, kailangan matapos ang revision by sunday morning, at the latest.

good luck. pero sige na saffron, tapusin mo na, parang awa mo na. kahit i-robot mode mo na ang sarili mo. para makakain ka na ng sinigang. para maka-date mo na si osobear.

at kaya ko pino-post 'to dito para wala akong choice kundi pilitin syang tapusin (nang hindi naman panget ang output, syempre). dahil kung ito ay isang episode ng show namin, letdown naman sa audience kung ang goal na sinet ng protagonist mo ay hindi niya maa-achieve in the end.

fast forward to: sunday, sasabihin ko kay osobear, "pinilit ko talagang tapusin yung homework para sa date natin. kita mo, ang lakas mo talaga sa 'kin." sana kiligin siya. haha.

dangit! tapusin na yan!!!

free for the meantime

3-day hermit's life officially ended for me at 4:25 PM.
one-big-sigh. with a smile. dahil makakatulog na rin ako kung gusto ko. makakapaginternet at my heart's content.
dahil tapos na ang trabaho. for the meantime.


hindi ako masaya sa kanya. pero okay na rin. at least natapos na siya.
nakakatawa, kasi ito yata ang worst childbirth i've had for the show. feeling ko. 2nd only to that episodic thingie, na inabot ng tatlong drafts.

kaya nagpapasalamat na rin ako na natapos sya. that alone is a blessing from god. dahil at 8 am kaninang umaga, akala ko hindi ako aabot sa deadline. paulit-ulit ko nang pinatay ang sarili ko. tapos sisindihan uli. patay-sindi ako. just to get that good vibe.

pero iba pa rin. iba pa rin ang a-a-a-ander-eyds. mas gusto ko yon. mas mahal ko yon.
kasi may come-and-get-me vibe yon.

* * *

things to do after the hermit's life:
1) sleep
2) eat sinigang
3) take a bath

not necessarily in that order.

breather

arghh. lagpas alas-5 na, nyeta.
kelangan kong putulin ang internet para di magprocrastinate.
gusto ko lang huminga.

i want a paid vacation. somewhere in a paradise beach.
i miss my friends.
i crave for a movie-and-dinner night.
and there's nothing SO badly i want right now than to finish the script that i haven't even started.
kung mabibili lang ang writing mood, umutang na ko sa kung sino para mamakyaw.

i want a stripping scene. a come-and-get-me vibe going on in my homework.
everything's just a prelude, in this life. because the best things have yet to come. gusto kong maniwalang ganon.

HOOOOOOY! 5:08 na!!!!

two days before a deadline

and it's so nice to be home.
the past three days were just a prelude. today, as one co-worker said, the real work begins.

it's always like this. you know that what you'll be working on WILL be changed in the final draft. it's just a matter of whether it's going to be a minor or a major revision, but for sure it will be changed. the ones up there will have the final say, at dahil wala sila sa brainstorm, brace yourself. kaya for the meantime, gawin natin ang napag-usapan.

kaya gusto kong maging active sa preludes, dahil kung sakaling hindi ko na makikilala ang trabaho ko in the final cut, at least nakapag-contribute ako nang butil butil sa usapan. at least masasabi kong nagtrabaho talaga ako, at nagma-matter naman siya kahit papano in the grand scheme of things.

pero minsan mahirap. maraming factors na kailangang isipin.
siguro ganito na lang. kung ganito na ang direksyon, sundin. lamanan. keber na sa externals. basta alam mo, deep in your heart, na nagtrabaho ka. na hindi ka nagkulang. kasi in the end, there's only one party to please anyway. keber na sa kahit ano.

* * *

na-realize ko yet again na ang laking factor ng pinagdaanan mo ng hayskul sa paghubog ng pagkatao mo. socially, at least. kung paano ka magre-react sa mga bagay bagay. pag hindi maganda ang naging experience mo nung hayskul, lalabas at lalabas ang kargang yon sa present life mo, given the right stimulus.

kaya siguro ang lakas ng drive ko to express my individuality nung college. because highschool life was pakinanginangsyet for the most part. fourth year na lang talaga ako nagkaroon ng sense of self.

tapos, after college, tinuruan ako ng buhay to balance the scales. from one pole to another then to the middle ground. but the scales will not be balanced all the time. minsan nagsu-switch ako from one pole to another, which upsets my equilibrium. which, i suppose, is the reason why pakinanginangsyet moments come every now and then. pero ang sasabihin ng sensible, rational side ko, go back to what is expected of you. go back to what you are, at the core. dun ka lang makakahanap ng strength. dun ka lang magiging matibay. pag kilala mo ang sarili mo.

* * *

hindi ko pala nabanggit. two weeks ago, nanganak na ang pusa kong si keanna.
isa lang, tatlo ang kulay, mukhang pusakal. mana sa tatay. o tatays.
but it's a bouncing healthy baby cat. ang unica/unico ng anak ko. (di ko pa alam kung girl sya o boy, it's hard to tell when they're still small.

* * *

maybe i should sleep first. or coffee my lethargy away.
simulan ko na dapat para hindi maghapit.
yun ang ideal.

* * *

i miss you like how a crying little girl misses her stuffed bear. waaah.
sabi mo, tahan na.
sabi ko, hikbi...hikbi..hikbi...
i find it funny that you treat me like a little girl.
waaah. miss na talaga kita.

all in a day's job

pangalawang araw na namin sa Headquarters.
you get days when you feel like you would rather be out there instead. na parang ang energy/enthusiasm level mo, bumulusok below normal, for some reason. na parang gusto mo na lang ng regular office job.

tapos, manonood ka ng show nyo, tapos mari-realize mo--yet again--kung paano nagsimula lahat ng napapanood mo ngayon--right where you're sitting, six weeks ago, on a night that's the same as that which you went through last night.

maaalala mo kung pano nyo binuo at binuno ang bawat eksena, bawat plot point na napapanood mo ngayon, and somehow you feel reenergized. pride siya actually, morale
booster for the tired laborer, that same glow of pride you feel when you're watching a movie that you helped create--bawat eksena, alam mo ang behind the scenes, naaalala mo kung paano nyo shinoot and the problems and anecdotes during which. it's the same feeling, only better, kasi kwento nyo ito, creative ito, at feeling mo bawing bawi lahat ng pagod mo, na worth it ang lahat, all for that moment of pride pag napapanood mo ang finished product sa tv.

deadma na sa issue ng sole authorship. ganun talaga. deadma na sa issue na kung anong inuupuan nyo now ay pwedeng buwagin later, at pag lumabas na sa tv, pira-pirasong silip na lang sa original script mo ang makikita mo. in an imperfect world, crumbs ar better than nothing at all.

and most importantly, it's a living, it feeds you somehow kahit in crumbs for the meantime. and you want to wholeheartedly believe that from crumbs the bread will really sprout out--in time, with a good measure of tenacity and hard work.

sana. kaya you keep working.

summer o summer

having my usual summer fantasies again.
of the beach. of free vacations by the sea. golden sunsets, blue skies, sea winds, halcyon seas, cooling sands, and the cliches can go on and on til the feverish heat dies down.

wala akong perang pambakasyon, pero libre naman ang mangarap.

* * *

predictably, babalik na naman ako sa past mirages of the Perfect Summer Vacation ko. actually, most of them, hindi naman mirages, na-enjoy ko ang moment when i was living it, pero nae-elevate to Perfection status ang mga bagay-bagay pag nililingon mo na lang sila. bilang nakaraan. bilang tapos na. then, gusto mo silang balikan.

1985. cavite.
1988. white rock, subic.
1999. batangas.
2004. cebu.
2005. bora.
2007. bolinao.
2007. zambales.

hindi naman balikan. gusto mo lang maulit. i go through this stage EVERY year. this year, i REALLY REALLY wish na sana, maulit. at all expenses-paid, sana. kung hindi, the next best thing would be extra moolah and a bunch of fun-loving friends. or family.

* * *

hay. the politics of it all.
so many things i want to write about. so dang many.
we've been pushing to get a concept approved for the show's upcoming 8-week series. today, we've somehow succeeded. half-half. so-so.
and tomorrow, lock-in.

simula na naman ng isa na namang round ng pagharap sa phosphorus screen. two days, two nights, hopefully less.

mood for the day: hopeful. :-)

not only about the show. about work, in general.
hopeful, grateful, and praying, fervently. that god would let all things come to fruition. that everything will fall into place. that what promise the present seems to have will be real in the future.

because we need it.
not only because we need it.
but primarily, because we need it.

lord, please. this morning's project. the imperial suites project. and the boys project. please, help us.

* * *

andami mong matutunan, just by listening.
i realize that in this job, you need to have an ear. a nose. and eyes. for the story. for what can be used from real life. and you have to use those senses, 24/7. you have to make it a habit, a part of everyday life.

that's how i think it should be done.
but it's easier said than done.

* * *

it's unfair. i understand.
i feel guilty about the fact that other people would've given a day in their lives to have what has been offered to me.
i feel guilty, because i didn't rise up to the challenge. too scared. too cowardly.
get friggin out of your comfort zone beeyatch! there's no other way to move ahead in this life, dammit!

waaah. gusto kong umiyak.
nasasayangan ako.
sana. sana, pwede pa. sana after the 27th, pwede pa.

lord, kayo na lang po bahala.

* * *

three nights ago, i fainted in the middle of a meeting.
it was the first time in ten years. never saw it coming.
nung una, na-twist ang muscles sa arms and back ko from an awkward move i made. i waited for the pain to subside. but it didn't. instead, my vision started to dim--gabi non ha, pero kita ko pa rin ang black spots--and the sound of everything around me started retreating into what seemed like a deep distance--parang may naglagay ng ear clogs sa mga tenga ko. nung una hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. hindi ko masabing hilo, hindi ko masabing hindi ako makahinga. i just felt like lying down, but i couldn't, because i was in the middle of the meeting. so i stood up to go to the bathroom. a few steps and i couldn't take it anymore--napaluhod na ko. hilong-hilo na ko.

"ok ka lang? ok ka lang?" someone was asking me through the haze. i felt too physically ill to speak. after a while i realized that a group of people were crowding around me. may pumapaypay, may tumatawag ng pangalan ko.

"water? anong gusto mo?" the same familiar voice who called my name asked me. i knew my eyes were open but nothing was clear. at the back of my mind naisip ko, shet nasa public place ako, nagi-iskandalo ako dito! naisip ko din, nakakahiya namang mag-request ng water sa mga taong 'to--instinctively i got the feeling na hindi sila dapat inuutusan. pero gusto ko ng tubig e. kaya i mumbled--politely--for water. na binigay naman. and then someone put a strong-odored thingie under my nose.

the water and the strong-odored thingie brought me back to focus. na-recognize ko ang mukha na nasa harap ko--si direk j. someone wheeled in a wheelchair and i was made to sit on it. pero actually, bumalik na ko sa wisyo. ok na ko, hilong talilong lang. sobrang nagpapasensya ko sa mga tao sa istorbo. naloka sila sa kin. akala siguro nila mamamatay na ko. haha.

hypoglycemia, the nurse said. low blood sugar. ten years ago it was the same exact diagnosis. ten years ago i wrote on my journal, "today my body betrayed me." because of what happened nung isang araw, na-remind na naman ako that my body can still betray me anytime. it's vulnerable to disease and injury.

on the other hand, i am reminded, too, of people's basic goodness. the people who helped me when i fainted ranged from former superiors to virtual strangers. dinala nila ko sa clinic at binilhan ng energy drink para tumaas ang blood sugar ko. inalert din nila ang mga ka-meeting ko sa nangyari sa kin. sobrang grateful ako sa kanila.

shet. naalala ko. 5 years ago nangyari na pala 'to, 2nd time in this lifetime. umaakyat ako ng bundok sa baguio, malamig, wala pang masyadong tulog. ganitong ganito din ang nangyari. waah. sana naman may tendency lang ako for hypoglycemia. ayoko pang mamatay. gusto ko pang mabuhay til the ripe old age of 80! gusto ko pang ikasal, magka-babies, gusto ko pang dalhin ang pamilya ko on a european vacation! gusto ko pang yumaman, tumulong sa maraming tao, makatravel uli sa france, magkaapo, maging magaling na writer, maging direktor balang araw!

lord, i want to live long. please make me healthy!

everything's internal

that's why.
you can't ask, how do you do it?
you just do.
hindi sya cinematic.
you can't watch it like a self-help video.
you have to figure it out on your own.

and i'm stumped.
i feel stupid.
i feel out of it.
lost.
empty.

i wish god would help me.
but like what we wanted to say through one character at work,
people have to help themselves.
one should take full responsibility.
you can't rely on anyone else but you.

and if you yourself can't rely on yourself,
you're dead.

* * *

they don't drop from heaven like bird shit.
you can't wait for something to drop on your lap.
you have to work it out. within you. internally.
everything's internal, really.
the challenge is how to just--friggin'--EXTERNALIZE it.
pero kung wala kang niluluto sa loob ng kusina, wala kang maihahain sa hapagkainan.

minsan lang talaga, i wish i could open up someone's clock--anyone who is in the same sphere as me--and try to figure out what makes them tick.

sore and scared but not giving up

sore.
ang muscles ng legs at thighs ko. after all that running yesterday (until this morning). nag-2nd AD kasi ako for a tv show taping, at madugo ang crowd scenes. actually, buong taping day, lahat, as in LAHAT ay crowd scenes. kaya ihi lang ang pahinga. one time nga nasi-CR na talaga ko but i had to wait dahil di pa nagro-roll. at baka magka-aberya na naman sa mga talents na bina-block ko.

eh medyo matagal-tagal na since my last strenous shoot. yung last shoot ko, 1-day scriptcon job (nagsa-sub ako sa isang friend for a movie shoot when she's not available), parang one month ago pa yata. kaya ang resulta, sore maskels. para nga akong nagbadminton buong maghapon magdamag sa pagka-sore ng lower extremities. pero keri lang. that's life.

scared.
actually, the night before, parang may portion ng self ko na ayaw sumipot kinabukasan. kahit naka-oo na ko. first time ko kasing jo-join sa show na yun at matagal-tagal na rin since my last 2nd AD tv racket. a part of me didn't want to leave my comfort zone, and joining a new crew, undertaking a relatively fresh role, is outside of my comfort zone. naka-ilang crowd director jobs na rin ako pero feeling ko talaga i can still do so much better. and that's a euphemism. kahit as 1st AD noon, crowd blocking ang pinakamahirap para sa akin, pag malalaking crowd scenes na. i have yet to learn the technnique to make things so much easier kaya parang natatakot akong humarap na naman sa ganoong challenge. lalo na't nalaman kong yung direk sa first ever solo scriptcon project ko (sa Cebu Movie in 2004) ang magiging direk. ngi. mabait naman sya at idol ko sya pero alam ko ang standards nya. kaya nate-tense ako. ayokong sumabit. ayokong i-disappoint sya.

andaming ganoon concerns. na nata-translate, hindi lang sa raket kahapon, kundi sa mga ibang undertakings din sa present life. hay.

lagi kong pine-pray kay god na mag-full blast ako sa bagong career, meaning, magkaroon ako ng ibang shows bukod sa present. pero pag opportunity na ang dumating, mas matimbang ang fear kesa joy. alam ko hindi dapat ganon, dapat i-recognize ko sya for what it happily is--an opportunity for more work. pero malaki din ang pressure na nararamdaman ko to prove myself. na bilang bago sa grupong pinasukan ko, kailangang patunayan ko na deserving ako for that slot.

not giving up.
minsan nabanggit ko dito sa blog na ang utak ko, parang impotent penis. the more it's pressured to perform, the more it can't perform. huhu. ayoko nang maging impotent penis. kailangang ibahin ang mindset.

ang hirap ng birth pains, financially. nang lumipat ako ng mundo para kong pinapanganak uli. figuratively. ilang beses nang dumaan sa isip ko ang pagko-contemplate ng ibang fields of work, those which are more financially stable, those with security and benefits. pero isang malaking reason to stay is the fact that i have to prove something to myself first. may mode na ganun. lagi na lang kasi akong umaalis pag hindi ako masaya. this time around try ko naman ang konting pasensya. konting pagtitiyaga. kasi mukhang maayos naman ang magiging kinabukasan if all goes well. sa inalisan kong mundo, tatlong taon akong nagtiyaga, only to realize na mali naman pala ang mahahanap ko at the end of the rainbow. sometimes we get that. sometimes wrong judgment call, wrong expectations. minsan maling kamada na rin sa laro ng buhay.

actually minsan confused ako. minsan uncertain ako. minsan hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang impressions ko sa bagong mundong pinasok ko. at may mga moments na feeling ko, i'm a tadpole in the current. but i'm not giving up. because i know na hindi kami pababayaan ni god. if he wants me to be here, all elements will fall into place at the right time. i entrust everything to him. i always have, and despite everything, i can honestly say that he has never let us down. kasi nandito pa rin kami. ok pa rin kami ng pamilya ko. at kahit hindi ko pa magampanan ang role ng breadwinner to the max, we're surviving. and for that alone grateful ako kay god.

minsan naisip ko, pag bored and jaded ka, one way to alter your state of mind is to remind yourself how lucky you are. to count the blessings that have been given to you. that way, you'd be happy to be where you are, dahil hindi ka naman entitled sa kahit ano. blessings are graces. you don't necessarily deserve what you've been blessed with, kaya dapat grateful ka.

i'm not sure if i deserve a shot at a writing career, pero grateful ako. i'm happy to be here. alam ko hindi mapupunan ng trabahong ito ang lahat ng ideals ko, alam ko marami akong pagdadaanang struggles and frustrations, pero hopeful pa rin ako that it will give me at least a fair measure of the necessary joys that i need to live a basically happy, content life. sana. faith should lead me in the right direction.