sore.
ang muscles ng legs at thighs ko. after all that running yesterday (until this morning). nag-2nd AD kasi ako for a tv show taping, at madugo ang crowd scenes. actually, buong taping day, lahat, as in LAHAT ay crowd scenes. kaya ihi lang ang pahinga. one time nga nasi-CR na talaga ko but i had to wait dahil di pa nagro-roll. at baka magka-aberya na naman sa mga talents na bina-block ko.
eh medyo matagal-tagal na since my last strenous shoot. yung last shoot ko, 1-day scriptcon job (nagsa-sub ako sa isang friend for a movie shoot when she's not available), parang one month ago pa yata. kaya ang resulta, sore maskels. para nga akong nagbadminton buong maghapon magdamag sa pagka-sore ng lower extremities. pero keri lang. that's life.
scared.
actually, the night before, parang may portion ng self ko na ayaw sumipot kinabukasan. kahit naka-oo na ko. first time ko kasing jo-join sa show na yun at matagal-tagal na rin since my last 2nd AD tv racket. a part of me didn't want to leave my comfort zone, and joining a new crew, undertaking a relatively fresh role, is outside of my comfort zone. naka-ilang crowd director jobs na rin ako pero feeling ko talaga i can still do so much better. and that's a euphemism. kahit as 1st AD noon, crowd blocking ang pinakamahirap para sa akin, pag malalaking crowd scenes na. i have yet to learn the technnique to make things so much easier kaya parang natatakot akong humarap na naman sa ganoong challenge. lalo na't nalaman kong yung direk sa first ever solo scriptcon project ko (sa Cebu Movie in 2004) ang magiging direk. ngi. mabait naman sya at idol ko sya pero alam ko ang standards nya. kaya nate-tense ako. ayokong sumabit. ayokong i-disappoint sya.
andaming ganoon concerns. na nata-translate, hindi lang sa raket kahapon, kundi sa mga ibang undertakings din sa present life. hay.
lagi kong pine-pray kay god na mag-full blast ako sa bagong career, meaning, magkaroon ako ng ibang shows bukod sa present. pero pag opportunity na ang dumating, mas matimbang ang fear kesa joy. alam ko hindi dapat ganon, dapat i-recognize ko sya for what it happily is--an opportunity for more work. pero malaki din ang pressure na nararamdaman ko to prove myself. na bilang bago sa grupong pinasukan ko, kailangang patunayan ko na deserving ako for that slot.
not giving up.
minsan nabanggit ko dito sa blog na ang utak ko, parang impotent penis. the more it's pressured to perform, the more it can't perform. huhu. ayoko nang maging impotent penis. kailangang ibahin ang mindset.
ang hirap ng birth pains, financially. nang lumipat ako ng mundo para kong pinapanganak uli. figuratively. ilang beses nang dumaan sa isip ko ang pagko-contemplate ng ibang fields of work, those which are more financially stable, those with security and benefits. pero isang malaking reason to stay is the fact that i have to prove something to myself first. may mode na ganun. lagi na lang kasi akong umaalis pag hindi ako masaya. this time around try ko naman ang konting pasensya. konting pagtitiyaga. kasi mukhang maayos naman ang magiging kinabukasan if all goes well. sa inalisan kong mundo, tatlong taon akong nagtiyaga, only to realize na mali naman pala ang mahahanap ko at the end of the rainbow. sometimes we get that. sometimes wrong judgment call, wrong expectations. minsan maling kamada na rin sa laro ng buhay.
actually minsan confused ako. minsan uncertain ako. minsan hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang impressions ko sa bagong mundong pinasok ko. at may mga moments na feeling ko, i'm a tadpole in the current. but i'm not giving up. because i know na hindi kami pababayaan ni god. if he wants me to be here, all elements will fall into place at the right time. i entrust everything to him. i always have, and despite everything, i can honestly say that he has never let us down. kasi nandito pa rin kami. ok pa rin kami ng pamilya ko. at kahit hindi ko pa magampanan ang role ng breadwinner to the max, we're surviving. and for that alone grateful ako kay god.
minsan naisip ko, pag bored and jaded ka, one way to alter your state of mind is to remind yourself how lucky you are. to count the blessings that have been given to you. that way, you'd be happy to be where you are, dahil hindi ka naman entitled sa kahit ano. blessings are graces. you don't necessarily deserve what you've been blessed with, kaya dapat grateful ka.
i'm not sure if i deserve a shot at a writing career, pero grateful ako. i'm happy to be here. alam ko hindi mapupunan ng trabahong ito ang lahat ng ideals ko, alam ko marami akong pagdadaanang struggles and frustrations, pero hopeful pa rin ako that it will give me at least a fair measure of the necessary joys that i need to live a basically happy, content life. sana. faith should lead me in the right direction.
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