summer o summer

having my usual summer fantasies again.
of the beach. of free vacations by the sea. golden sunsets, blue skies, sea winds, halcyon seas, cooling sands, and the cliches can go on and on til the feverish heat dies down.

wala akong perang pambakasyon, pero libre naman ang mangarap.

* * *

predictably, babalik na naman ako sa past mirages of the Perfect Summer Vacation ko. actually, most of them, hindi naman mirages, na-enjoy ko ang moment when i was living it, pero nae-elevate to Perfection status ang mga bagay-bagay pag nililingon mo na lang sila. bilang nakaraan. bilang tapos na. then, gusto mo silang balikan.

1985. cavite.
1988. white rock, subic.
1999. batangas.
2004. cebu.
2005. bora.
2007. bolinao.
2007. zambales.

hindi naman balikan. gusto mo lang maulit. i go through this stage EVERY year. this year, i REALLY REALLY wish na sana, maulit. at all expenses-paid, sana. kung hindi, the next best thing would be extra moolah and a bunch of fun-loving friends. or family.

* * *

hay. the politics of it all.
so many things i want to write about. so dang many.
we've been pushing to get a concept approved for the show's upcoming 8-week series. today, we've somehow succeeded. half-half. so-so.
and tomorrow, lock-in.

simula na naman ng isa na namang round ng pagharap sa phosphorus screen. two days, two nights, hopefully less.

mood for the day: hopeful. :-)

not only about the show. about work, in general.
hopeful, grateful, and praying, fervently. that god would let all things come to fruition. that everything will fall into place. that what promise the present seems to have will be real in the future.

because we need it.
not only because we need it.
but primarily, because we need it.

lord, please. this morning's project. the imperial suites project. and the boys project. please, help us.

* * *

andami mong matutunan, just by listening.
i realize that in this job, you need to have an ear. a nose. and eyes. for the story. for what can be used from real life. and you have to use those senses, 24/7. you have to make it a habit, a part of everyday life.

that's how i think it should be done.
but it's easier said than done.

* * *

it's unfair. i understand.
i feel guilty about the fact that other people would've given a day in their lives to have what has been offered to me.
i feel guilty, because i didn't rise up to the challenge. too scared. too cowardly.
get friggin out of your comfort zone beeyatch! there's no other way to move ahead in this life, dammit!

waaah. gusto kong umiyak.
nasasayangan ako.
sana. sana, pwede pa. sana after the 27th, pwede pa.

lord, kayo na lang po bahala.

* * *

three nights ago, i fainted in the middle of a meeting.
it was the first time in ten years. never saw it coming.
nung una, na-twist ang muscles sa arms and back ko from an awkward move i made. i waited for the pain to subside. but it didn't. instead, my vision started to dim--gabi non ha, pero kita ko pa rin ang black spots--and the sound of everything around me started retreating into what seemed like a deep distance--parang may naglagay ng ear clogs sa mga tenga ko. nung una hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. hindi ko masabing hilo, hindi ko masabing hindi ako makahinga. i just felt like lying down, but i couldn't, because i was in the middle of the meeting. so i stood up to go to the bathroom. a few steps and i couldn't take it anymore--napaluhod na ko. hilong-hilo na ko.

"ok ka lang? ok ka lang?" someone was asking me through the haze. i felt too physically ill to speak. after a while i realized that a group of people were crowding around me. may pumapaypay, may tumatawag ng pangalan ko.

"water? anong gusto mo?" the same familiar voice who called my name asked me. i knew my eyes were open but nothing was clear. at the back of my mind naisip ko, shet nasa public place ako, nagi-iskandalo ako dito! naisip ko din, nakakahiya namang mag-request ng water sa mga taong 'to--instinctively i got the feeling na hindi sila dapat inuutusan. pero gusto ko ng tubig e. kaya i mumbled--politely--for water. na binigay naman. and then someone put a strong-odored thingie under my nose.

the water and the strong-odored thingie brought me back to focus. na-recognize ko ang mukha na nasa harap ko--si direk j. someone wheeled in a wheelchair and i was made to sit on it. pero actually, bumalik na ko sa wisyo. ok na ko, hilong talilong lang. sobrang nagpapasensya ko sa mga tao sa istorbo. naloka sila sa kin. akala siguro nila mamamatay na ko. haha.

hypoglycemia, the nurse said. low blood sugar. ten years ago it was the same exact diagnosis. ten years ago i wrote on my journal, "today my body betrayed me." because of what happened nung isang araw, na-remind na naman ako that my body can still betray me anytime. it's vulnerable to disease and injury.

on the other hand, i am reminded, too, of people's basic goodness. the people who helped me when i fainted ranged from former superiors to virtual strangers. dinala nila ko sa clinic at binilhan ng energy drink para tumaas ang blood sugar ko. inalert din nila ang mga ka-meeting ko sa nangyari sa kin. sobrang grateful ako sa kanila.

shet. naalala ko. 5 years ago nangyari na pala 'to, 2nd time in this lifetime. umaakyat ako ng bundok sa baguio, malamig, wala pang masyadong tulog. ganitong ganito din ang nangyari. waah. sana naman may tendency lang ako for hypoglycemia. ayoko pang mamatay. gusto ko pang mabuhay til the ripe old age of 80! gusto ko pang ikasal, magka-babies, gusto ko pang dalhin ang pamilya ko on a european vacation! gusto ko pang yumaman, tumulong sa maraming tao, makatravel uli sa france, magkaapo, maging magaling na writer, maging direktor balang araw!

lord, i want to live long. please make me healthy!