easier freakn said than done. aw, shut up. time is running out, beeyatch. you have less than 24hours now. why dont you just freaking CUT the internet and just keep writing and don't freaking stop? don't even watch the show at 6pm and just...KEEP WRITING????
ampangit ng nagiging habit ko. crammer beeyatch.
i just don't feel right. not feeling right right now. i really should just FOCUS. and forget everything else, but this story you need to freakin tell, freak.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
sa kuko ng setyembre
sleepless. lumaklak ng maraming kape para hindi makatulog dahil may deadline na hinahabol. i have more than 24 hours to finish 20-plus sequences. chicken for some. pero nahihirapan talaga ako.
three days since the great deluge. nung mga panahong nag-marathon rain for 7 hours straight, i was fast asleep. galing kami ng lockin ng mga co-writers ko at hanggang alas-7 ng umaga sa quezon city. mabuti na lang at naisipan na naming umuwi by then, dahil in an hour pala eh darating na ang delubyo. if we had stayed later, baka na-stranded kami sa quezon city.
alas-onse ng umaga, tumawag ang co-writer kong si penguin. it was raining outside, but i was too drunk with sleep to notice anything unusual. may alarm sa boses ni penguin--ok lang daw ba ako? i even thought the question was weird. sabi ko, oo...bakit? kasi daw inabot na ng baha ang sahig ng kwarto nya. hindi pa ko makausap nang matino. kasi nawi-weirduhan talaga ako na ginising pa nya ko just to say na binabaha ang kwarto nya. at that time, i didn't think there was anything to be red-alerted about.
went back to sleep after the call, was woken up by the brownout at 5pm. buong gabing walang ilaw sa lugar namin. the rain wouldn't stop, but i saw nothing to be worried about. naka-confine ang consciousness ko sa immediate environment---stormy, but since we were on high ground, hindi naman bumabaha. all evening may mga nagtetext to ask kung ano ang lagay ko dahil binabaha na raw ang buong marikina. the next day, seeing everything on tv, nun ko lang nalaman ang extent ng damage na hinatid ng bagyo.
it was surreal. watching the images on tv, i nurtured mixed feelings. half thankful to god na we were lucky to have been spared. half distressed for those who weren't as lucky as we are. lalong surreal nang nag-travel na ako the next day to see with my own eyes ang ruins na iniwan ng bagyo. nagsubside na ang baha pero kita sa mga buildings at mga bahay ang outline ng water level. everywhere there was mud and kuyagots. pati isang metal na karatula, nayupi sa tindi ng sinapit the day before. along the marikina bridge at sa barangka, andaming mga kotseng nakabalandra lang sa gilid ng kalsada. yung iba, parang mga matchbox cars na binangga ng isang destructive na bata against another car.
surreal din makita sa tumana (one of the worst-hit areas in marikina) yung mga homeowners na busy na nagtutulungang linisin ang mga bahay nila. it was monday and everyone was in working mode. nilalabahan ang mga damit, binabrush ang mga furniture. nakapila sa poso. nakapila sa bigasan. ang busy busy ng lugar in the midst of the wreckage. contrapuntal, dahil buhay na buhay silang lahat. tama ang isang kaibigan nang magcomment sya na ang mga pinoy, hanep sa bayanihan. and may i add na sa mga nakita ko sa tv, hanep din ang mga pinoy sa katatagan dahil binaha na nga at lahat, nakukuha pa ring ngumiti. binaha na at lahat, hindi gi-give up. lalangoy kung kinakailangan, and with a smile to boot.
nakakalungkot makita ang hometown ko na ganun ang itsura. for someone who's normally apathetic sa current events---hindi nga ako bumoboto--kinurot talaga ako ng nangyaring to. my heart goes out to those who lost their property. lalo na sa mga taong namatay o namatayan. i used to love rain. i used to love water. pero ngayon, konting ulan lang, konting baha lang na madadaanan on the way home, nara-rattle ako. paano pa kaya yung mga talagang nasalanta. financial and emotional ang hagupit sa kanila, at dadalhin nila yun for who knows how long.
sabi nila, parte daw si onyong ng climate change. sintomas sya. at hindi imposibleng may mga sumunod sa kanya. sana naman lord, wag na. kung hindi maiiwasan, at least sana handa na kaming lahat. sana wala nang mangyaring ganito.
8am. demmet.
nene, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko sa yo.
buhay na buhay ka na. at kami ang sumusulat ng buhay mo. natatakot akong sirain yung buhay na yon. with every script, dala ko ang takot na yon, at habang tumatagal, lalong tumitindi. kahit hindi lang ako ang may responsibilidad sa pagsusulat. nakaka-stress pa rin.
tulad ngayon, ne. paano na ba to? may balangkas na, pero parang hindi ako solved. hindi kita pwedeng sulatin na parang 2-dimensional na cardboard ka lang. kailangan sulatin kita na parang totoo kang tao. pagod na ko, hindi ko na alam kung paano. kailangan ng extra effort para iwasan ang hindi dapat gawin. extra extra effort pa rin na gawin ang tama, ang effective. at sa totoo lang, sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging effective. all i have is this fear. of ruining the illusion. of failing you. of not meeting the deadline. not necessarily in that order.
nene, tulungan mo ko. nag-ask na ko kay god ng tulong. sa yo naman ngayon, bilang totoong tao ka na sa utak namin. tell me, what would you do? how would you feel? what will bring you there from here? ano? bakit? paano?
24 hours pa naman. we have time, ne. talk to me. schizo mode, but kebs. as the weeks fly by, it's getting harder and harder to keep you alive and real. please, help.
magiging busy ang october. lord, help. sana kayanin ko nang walang magsa-suffer. ok nang ako ang mag-suffer, basta ok ang trabaho.
three days since the great deluge. nung mga panahong nag-marathon rain for 7 hours straight, i was fast asleep. galing kami ng lockin ng mga co-writers ko at hanggang alas-7 ng umaga sa quezon city. mabuti na lang at naisipan na naming umuwi by then, dahil in an hour pala eh darating na ang delubyo. if we had stayed later, baka na-stranded kami sa quezon city.
alas-onse ng umaga, tumawag ang co-writer kong si penguin. it was raining outside, but i was too drunk with sleep to notice anything unusual. may alarm sa boses ni penguin--ok lang daw ba ako? i even thought the question was weird. sabi ko, oo...bakit? kasi daw inabot na ng baha ang sahig ng kwarto nya. hindi pa ko makausap nang matino. kasi nawi-weirduhan talaga ako na ginising pa nya ko just to say na binabaha ang kwarto nya. at that time, i didn't think there was anything to be red-alerted about.
went back to sleep after the call, was woken up by the brownout at 5pm. buong gabing walang ilaw sa lugar namin. the rain wouldn't stop, but i saw nothing to be worried about. naka-confine ang consciousness ko sa immediate environment---stormy, but since we were on high ground, hindi naman bumabaha. all evening may mga nagtetext to ask kung ano ang lagay ko dahil binabaha na raw ang buong marikina. the next day, seeing everything on tv, nun ko lang nalaman ang extent ng damage na hinatid ng bagyo.
it was surreal. watching the images on tv, i nurtured mixed feelings. half thankful to god na we were lucky to have been spared. half distressed for those who weren't as lucky as we are. lalong surreal nang nag-travel na ako the next day to see with my own eyes ang ruins na iniwan ng bagyo. nagsubside na ang baha pero kita sa mga buildings at mga bahay ang outline ng water level. everywhere there was mud and kuyagots. pati isang metal na karatula, nayupi sa tindi ng sinapit the day before. along the marikina bridge at sa barangka, andaming mga kotseng nakabalandra lang sa gilid ng kalsada. yung iba, parang mga matchbox cars na binangga ng isang destructive na bata against another car.
surreal din makita sa tumana (one of the worst-hit areas in marikina) yung mga homeowners na busy na nagtutulungang linisin ang mga bahay nila. it was monday and everyone was in working mode. nilalabahan ang mga damit, binabrush ang mga furniture. nakapila sa poso. nakapila sa bigasan. ang busy busy ng lugar in the midst of the wreckage. contrapuntal, dahil buhay na buhay silang lahat. tama ang isang kaibigan nang magcomment sya na ang mga pinoy, hanep sa bayanihan. and may i add na sa mga nakita ko sa tv, hanep din ang mga pinoy sa katatagan dahil binaha na nga at lahat, nakukuha pa ring ngumiti. binaha na at lahat, hindi gi-give up. lalangoy kung kinakailangan, and with a smile to boot.
nakakalungkot makita ang hometown ko na ganun ang itsura. for someone who's normally apathetic sa current events---hindi nga ako bumoboto--kinurot talaga ako ng nangyaring to. my heart goes out to those who lost their property. lalo na sa mga taong namatay o namatayan. i used to love rain. i used to love water. pero ngayon, konting ulan lang, konting baha lang na madadaanan on the way home, nara-rattle ako. paano pa kaya yung mga talagang nasalanta. financial and emotional ang hagupit sa kanila, at dadalhin nila yun for who knows how long.
sabi nila, parte daw si onyong ng climate change. sintomas sya. at hindi imposibleng may mga sumunod sa kanya. sana naman lord, wag na. kung hindi maiiwasan, at least sana handa na kaming lahat. sana wala nang mangyaring ganito.
8am. demmet.
nene, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko sa yo.
buhay na buhay ka na. at kami ang sumusulat ng buhay mo. natatakot akong sirain yung buhay na yon. with every script, dala ko ang takot na yon, at habang tumatagal, lalong tumitindi. kahit hindi lang ako ang may responsibilidad sa pagsusulat. nakaka-stress pa rin.
tulad ngayon, ne. paano na ba to? may balangkas na, pero parang hindi ako solved. hindi kita pwedeng sulatin na parang 2-dimensional na cardboard ka lang. kailangan sulatin kita na parang totoo kang tao. pagod na ko, hindi ko na alam kung paano. kailangan ng extra effort para iwasan ang hindi dapat gawin. extra extra effort pa rin na gawin ang tama, ang effective. at sa totoo lang, sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging effective. all i have is this fear. of ruining the illusion. of failing you. of not meeting the deadline. not necessarily in that order.
nene, tulungan mo ko. nag-ask na ko kay god ng tulong. sa yo naman ngayon, bilang totoong tao ka na sa utak namin. tell me, what would you do? how would you feel? what will bring you there from here? ano? bakit? paano?
24 hours pa naman. we have time, ne. talk to me. schizo mode, but kebs. as the weeks fly by, it's getting harder and harder to keep you alive and real. please, help.
magiging busy ang october. lord, help. sana kayanin ko nang walang magsa-suffer. ok nang ako ang mag-suffer, basta ok ang trabaho.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
90s kid forever
they're playing late-90s songs on the radio. bigla akong bumalik sa "wonder years" ko--late highschool and the entirety of college. sunud-sunod ang kanta, at kilala ko lahat ang mga artists, alam ko lahat ng mga lyrics. i don't wanna wait ni paula cole. don't throw it all away ni jennifer love. "it's another sad love song..." ni toni braxton. "how do i live" ni trisha yearwood. ang mga unforgettably forgettable songs ng boyzone. HAY. ika nga ni celine dion nung 1997, it's all coming back to me now. nostalgia mode.
there was a time na kasama ko sa sleeping rituals ko ang panonood ng MTV. na araw-araw kong pinapatugtog ang mga kanta ni sarah mclachlan sa CD/cassette player ng tatay ko. ang sarap magwala sa harap ng salamin habang nakikikanta with alanis morrissette ng "you oughtta know". ang sarap mag-"dancercise" to the tune of "wannabe", "who do you think you are" and "spice up your life" ng spice girls. and there was a time na nasikmura ko na rin ang "quit playing games" ng backstreet boys, if only for the pretty instrumental intro (and the cheesily pretty Wet Boys music video). naging part din ng life ko noon ang pagkain sa (then-new) Kenny Rogers along katipunan, na laging nagpapatugtog ng mga songs nina trisha yearwood at shania twain.
back to present. nagsalita ang DJ sa radio: welcome to our Retro Show! natigilan ako. natigalgal. napatiimbagang ---did i hear right? RETRO na ang 90s? wasn't it only yesterday? sya na ba ang bagong retro ngayon? ganon na sya katagal? no sh**t?!
and then it hit me. my gas, the 90s is the first decade that i've REALLY lived through, from start to end. pinanganak ako ng 1980 pero the early and mid-80s were just a blur to me. pero ang 90s, buong ningning kong naaalala. 10 years old na ko nung 1990. naaalala ko na ang "vogue" music video ni madonna, ang "it must have been love" ng roxette (na soundtrack ng "pretty woman" starring julia roberts), ang "toyang" ng e-heads (na paulit-ulit na pinapatugtog ng isang kong highschool classmate sa isang field trip noon), at ang "humanap ka ng panget" ni andrew e. in essence, milestone decade ko ang dekada '90. kasi sya ang unang dekada na nasaksihan ko vividly from start to finish. it was my growing-up decade. and for that, the 90s will always be special for me. aww.
now my second decade is about to end. 2000-2010. sige lang, bring it on. i want to live through many many decades more. pero ika nga ni sinead o' connor nung 1991 (?), Nothing Compares to You, '90s. ehe.
other songs from the Soundtrack of my 90s:
"Stay" by Lisa Loeb (dedicated to my ultimate highschool love J.L.---damn, what did i see in you?!)
"The Actor" by Mchael Learns to Rock (ang ganda ng instrumental. syet. tinransport ako sa isang fantasy time and place noon.)
"Magasin" by E-heads. (wala kong pakialam kahit pangit ang boses ko, basta kakantahin ko to anywhere, anytime i want)
"You Were There" by Rick Price (?). isang dapithapong naalimpungatan ako, napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. in my barely-awake eyes, ang ganda-ganda bigla ng papalubog na araw. tapos narinig ko ang kantang to sa radyo. parang nagka-scoring ang paglubog ng araw. it was surreal.
"Andrew Ford Medina" by Andrew E. nung 10 years old ako, aliw na aliw ako sa kantang to. pagalingan kami ng mga pinsan ko sa pagkabisa ng lyrics nito. hehe.
"Lambada". sinayaw namin to ng mga pinsan ko on my 11th birthday. ako pa ang nagchoreograph, haha.
"Cherish" by Madonna. my first favorite music video nung 1990. ewan ko kung bakit. bago pa lang kasi sa akin ang music videos noon. hindi ko pa alam ang MTV.
"Bizaare Love Triangle" by Frente. 14 ako non. i used to sit outside our house on rainy afternoons. ito ang kantang tumutugtog sa utak ko.
"Cot" from the "Speed" soundtrack. Keanu was a memorable fixture of my highschool years. bumili pa ko ng soundtrack ng launching movie nya, at ito ang kantang tumatak.
"I'm Gonna be a Supermodel" from the "Clueless" soundtrack. in my mad quest to be as thin as i could be (circa mid-90s), ito ang naging national anthem ko at some point.
"Adia" by Sarah McLachlan. heavenly.
"With or Without You" by U2. naaalala ko ang isang memorably serene moment with the sea and sky nung '98 pag naririnig ko ang kantang ito.
"Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin. MTV brought me closer to this song. ang ganda ng video, ang ganda rin ng kanta.
"Runaway" by the Corrs. summer 1998. it was the benchmark song.
"I try to say goodbye and I choke..." ni Macy Gray. Naaalala ko yung crush kong teacher. Minsan hinulaan ako na mai-inlab daw sya sa akin. imposible, kasi bading sya. pero pag nung mga panahong torn ako between being realistic and being hopeful, ito ang kantang lagi kong pinapakinggan.
at marami pang iba. basta. gusto kong ulitin ang panahong yon. makikinig na ko ng radyo araw-araw from now on.
there was a time na kasama ko sa sleeping rituals ko ang panonood ng MTV. na araw-araw kong pinapatugtog ang mga kanta ni sarah mclachlan sa CD/cassette player ng tatay ko. ang sarap magwala sa harap ng salamin habang nakikikanta with alanis morrissette ng "you oughtta know". ang sarap mag-"dancercise" to the tune of "wannabe", "who do you think you are" and "spice up your life" ng spice girls. and there was a time na nasikmura ko na rin ang "quit playing games" ng backstreet boys, if only for the pretty instrumental intro (and the cheesily pretty Wet Boys music video). naging part din ng life ko noon ang pagkain sa (then-new) Kenny Rogers along katipunan, na laging nagpapatugtog ng mga songs nina trisha yearwood at shania twain.
back to present. nagsalita ang DJ sa radio: welcome to our Retro Show! natigilan ako. natigalgal. napatiimbagang ---did i hear right? RETRO na ang 90s? wasn't it only yesterday? sya na ba ang bagong retro ngayon? ganon na sya katagal? no sh**t?!
and then it hit me. my gas, the 90s is the first decade that i've REALLY lived through, from start to end. pinanganak ako ng 1980 pero the early and mid-80s were just a blur to me. pero ang 90s, buong ningning kong naaalala. 10 years old na ko nung 1990. naaalala ko na ang "vogue" music video ni madonna, ang "it must have been love" ng roxette (na soundtrack ng "pretty woman" starring julia roberts), ang "toyang" ng e-heads (na paulit-ulit na pinapatugtog ng isang kong highschool classmate sa isang field trip noon), at ang "humanap ka ng panget" ni andrew e. in essence, milestone decade ko ang dekada '90. kasi sya ang unang dekada na nasaksihan ko vividly from start to finish. it was my growing-up decade. and for that, the 90s will always be special for me. aww.
now my second decade is about to end. 2000-2010. sige lang, bring it on. i want to live through many many decades more. pero ika nga ni sinead o' connor nung 1991 (?), Nothing Compares to You, '90s. ehe.
other songs from the Soundtrack of my 90s:
"Stay" by Lisa Loeb (dedicated to my ultimate highschool love J.L.---damn, what did i see in you?!)
"The Actor" by Mchael Learns to Rock (ang ganda ng instrumental. syet. tinransport ako sa isang fantasy time and place noon.)
"Magasin" by E-heads. (wala kong pakialam kahit pangit ang boses ko, basta kakantahin ko to anywhere, anytime i want)
"You Were There" by Rick Price (?). isang dapithapong naalimpungatan ako, napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. in my barely-awake eyes, ang ganda-ganda bigla ng papalubog na araw. tapos narinig ko ang kantang to sa radyo. parang nagka-scoring ang paglubog ng araw. it was surreal.
"Andrew Ford Medina" by Andrew E. nung 10 years old ako, aliw na aliw ako sa kantang to. pagalingan kami ng mga pinsan ko sa pagkabisa ng lyrics nito. hehe.
"Lambada". sinayaw namin to ng mga pinsan ko on my 11th birthday. ako pa ang nagchoreograph, haha.
"Cherish" by Madonna. my first favorite music video nung 1990. ewan ko kung bakit. bago pa lang kasi sa akin ang music videos noon. hindi ko pa alam ang MTV.
"Bizaare Love Triangle" by Frente. 14 ako non. i used to sit outside our house on rainy afternoons. ito ang kantang tumutugtog sa utak ko.
"Cot" from the "Speed" soundtrack. Keanu was a memorable fixture of my highschool years. bumili pa ko ng soundtrack ng launching movie nya, at ito ang kantang tumatak.
"I'm Gonna be a Supermodel" from the "Clueless" soundtrack. in my mad quest to be as thin as i could be (circa mid-90s), ito ang naging national anthem ko at some point.
"Adia" by Sarah McLachlan. heavenly.
"With or Without You" by U2. naaalala ko ang isang memorably serene moment with the sea and sky nung '98 pag naririnig ko ang kantang ito.
"Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin. MTV brought me closer to this song. ang ganda ng video, ang ganda rin ng kanta.
"Runaway" by the Corrs. summer 1998. it was the benchmark song.
"I try to say goodbye and I choke..." ni Macy Gray. Naaalala ko yung crush kong teacher. Minsan hinulaan ako na mai-inlab daw sya sa akin. imposible, kasi bading sya. pero pag nung mga panahong torn ako between being realistic and being hopeful, ito ang kantang lagi kong pinapakinggan.
at marami pang iba. basta. gusto kong ulitin ang panahong yon. makikinig na ko ng radyo araw-araw from now on.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
browsing back
from an entry 3 years ago, during my Days at Da BeeBee Haus:
march 9. three weeks and i'm saying hello to the outside world. it's brief wayward swims like these that stamp out the idealist in me. but i wouldn't have had it any other way. ika nga ng kung sino, things happen for a reason. maybe i won't see it now, but the reason will eventually turn up.
the last sentence makes me want to laugh out loud. so all things happen for a reason. if my BB stint happened for a reason, ano yung reason?
well, i fell in love. haha. the me of three years ago would've barfed and rolled eyes at that answer. but it happened. if it weren't for those breezy six weeks, i never would've met osobear, and that's something i would forever be grateful for.
knock on wood, wag sanang magbago!
just a li'l lovesick thought. haha. i miss osobear! grrr!
march 9. three weeks and i'm saying hello to the outside world. it's brief wayward swims like these that stamp out the idealist in me. but i wouldn't have had it any other way. ika nga ng kung sino, things happen for a reason. maybe i won't see it now, but the reason will eventually turn up.
the last sentence makes me want to laugh out loud. so all things happen for a reason. if my BB stint happened for a reason, ano yung reason?
well, i fell in love. haha. the me of three years ago would've barfed and rolled eyes at that answer. but it happened. if it weren't for those breezy six weeks, i never would've met osobear, and that's something i would forever be grateful for.
knock on wood, wag sanang magbago!
just a li'l lovesick thought. haha. i miss osobear! grrr!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
on a day with a meeting sked that's not yet sure
a part of me doesn't want to, a part of me needs to. who doesn't need money. and opportunity. but the group has been my comfort zone. now we know what they say about comfort zones. you always should try to get out of it.
i hope they retain us. we need that show. if money would be the only consideration, i'd pick that show over the soap. hay.
we'll reach 40. i will the universe to conspire with us. and then, they'll give us that out-of-town reward. basta! 40! at ireretro ang maliit na increase! at dadagdagan ng brainstorm fee! yayaman ako dahil sa soap! i will it! i will it!
i miss high school friends. i'm only in touch with them thru fb. karamihan sa kanila mga wives and mothers na. ang late bloomer ko talaga. mas lalong late bloomer si osobear. hay.
may kaklase ako noon, partner in crime ko pagdating sa kapilyahan. tuwing graduation practice namin nung highschool, we'd have an inside joke. each time may tinatawag na studyante sa stage para i-accept ang diploma, pinapalakpakan di ba, pero ang lakas ng palakpak naming dalawa ay depende sa kung gaano kalaki ang puwet ng studyanteng umaakyat ng stage. dahil nasa harapan kami pareho, kitang-kita namin ang mga puwet nila kaya pag malaking puwet, malakas na palakpak, tapos maghahagikgikan kami. eventually some of our other classmates caught on with our joke, kaya nung turn na nilang umakyat sa stage, masama ang tingin nila sa amin, tinitingnan nila kung gaano kalakas ang palakpak namin. haha. those were good times.
ngayon dalawa na yata ang anak nya. at kahit living in the same barangay lang kami hindi na kami nagkikita. ano ba kasi ang matagal na pwedeng pag-usapan na idadayo mo pa papunta sa kanila. hanggang fb na lang ang correspondence. the years caught up with us. we've led too different lives. well, no excuse. lagi akong busy e. di pa rin excuse. kung yung super bestfriend ko nga nung college na balikbayan di ko pa ma-meet for coffee, panu pa kaya yung highschool friend.
hay. bat ayaw nyong sumagot sa txts namin.
on a sunny note, may butal pa pala akong weekly sa movie na sinumpa ko last year. haha, ang tagal na. pero sayang din yon kaya bukas, kukunin ko, along with the sweldo for the soap. na hindi ko pa alam kung ilang weeks. buti na lang may raket ako (na hindi pa rin bayad nang buo, anuba!). kaya nabuhay these past two weeks nang medyo maginhawa. medyo lang.
kung hindi tuloy ang brainstorm today, sasama ko sa nanay ko sa pagpapacheckup nya today.
i hope they retain us. we need that show. if money would be the only consideration, i'd pick that show over the soap. hay.
we'll reach 40. i will the universe to conspire with us. and then, they'll give us that out-of-town reward. basta! 40! at ireretro ang maliit na increase! at dadagdagan ng brainstorm fee! yayaman ako dahil sa soap! i will it! i will it!
i miss high school friends. i'm only in touch with them thru fb. karamihan sa kanila mga wives and mothers na. ang late bloomer ko talaga. mas lalong late bloomer si osobear. hay.
may kaklase ako noon, partner in crime ko pagdating sa kapilyahan. tuwing graduation practice namin nung highschool, we'd have an inside joke. each time may tinatawag na studyante sa stage para i-accept ang diploma, pinapalakpakan di ba, pero ang lakas ng palakpak naming dalawa ay depende sa kung gaano kalaki ang puwet ng studyanteng umaakyat ng stage. dahil nasa harapan kami pareho, kitang-kita namin ang mga puwet nila kaya pag malaking puwet, malakas na palakpak, tapos maghahagikgikan kami. eventually some of our other classmates caught on with our joke, kaya nung turn na nilang umakyat sa stage, masama ang tingin nila sa amin, tinitingnan nila kung gaano kalakas ang palakpak namin. haha. those were good times.
ngayon dalawa na yata ang anak nya. at kahit living in the same barangay lang kami hindi na kami nagkikita. ano ba kasi ang matagal na pwedeng pag-usapan na idadayo mo pa papunta sa kanila. hanggang fb na lang ang correspondence. the years caught up with us. we've led too different lives. well, no excuse. lagi akong busy e. di pa rin excuse. kung yung super bestfriend ko nga nung college na balikbayan di ko pa ma-meet for coffee, panu pa kaya yung highschool friend.
hay. bat ayaw nyong sumagot sa txts namin.
on a sunny note, may butal pa pala akong weekly sa movie na sinumpa ko last year. haha, ang tagal na. pero sayang din yon kaya bukas, kukunin ko, along with the sweldo for the soap. na hindi ko pa alam kung ilang weeks. buti na lang may raket ako (na hindi pa rin bayad nang buo, anuba!). kaya nabuhay these past two weeks nang medyo maginhawa. medyo lang.
kung hindi tuloy ang brainstorm today, sasama ko sa nanay ko sa pagpapacheckup nya today.
in case i forget
monday - sick-at-home day
tuesday - writing deadline day (til 5am next day)
wednesday - brainstorm
thursday - meeting
friday - brainstorm
most of the brainstorms and writing deadlines were for the show that's being pulled away from us soon. sigh. i guess we won't get paid for that. :-( the soap is fortunately doing well at the ratings (knock on wood) and they want us to produce 2 weeks' worth of scripts at a time to cost-cut. hay. that means they'll have to pull us out of the other show that's being cooked. sayang. kasi yun ang malaki ang kita. kumpara sa soap.
no they're wrong. being busy can't always be equated to being rich. even in this job. sana mabago na soon. sana masimulan na uli ang isa pang raket. pandagdag-kita din yon.
i hate it that my mom slipped and bumped her head. because we have to go to the doctor for an examination, kahit na wala syang nararamdaman. doctor means money. kaya nakakainis. pero i really really hope that she's okay inside out and i won't gamble on that by not having her checked. i just hate it that little accidents like that had to happen.
nung maysakit ako early this week natatakot ako. nagpe-pray ako. na sana gumaling ako at wala lang to. dahil takot ako sa doktor. takot ako maramdaman ang anxiety of waiting for the results. takot ako sa worst case scenarios. takot ako, period.
had a weird dream. i attended a wake of two people---my late grandma and a little girl--but there was only one coffin. tapos, biglang bumangon ang mga patay, one after the other. yung isa---yung lola ko pa yon--humingi pa sa kin ng pagkain.
so strange. i hope it doesn't mean anything bad.
i really wish i'd be rich. soon or a little later.
just got home at 5am because of a post-meeting inuman and late late dinner with osobear. mamaya, may brainstorm ng 1pm. parang nakaka-alang gana namang magbrainstorm para sa isang commitment na alam mong hindi ka mababayaran. i really wish they wouldn't pull us out. wala akong passion sa project pero sayang yung money.
hay. money makes the world go you-know. cliche, but true.
anong pipiliin mo, maging mayaman o maging maganda? haha. ang hirap naman. kasi pag mayaman ka, pwede mong gamitin ang pera para magpaganda. pero kung maganda ka naman, pwede mo rin namang gamitin ang ganda para magpayaman. hmm. tough choice at 6 am. itutulog ko muna.
tuesday - writing deadline day (til 5am next day)
wednesday - brainstorm
thursday - meeting
friday - brainstorm
most of the brainstorms and writing deadlines were for the show that's being pulled away from us soon. sigh. i guess we won't get paid for that. :-( the soap is fortunately doing well at the ratings (knock on wood) and they want us to produce 2 weeks' worth of scripts at a time to cost-cut. hay. that means they'll have to pull us out of the other show that's being cooked. sayang. kasi yun ang malaki ang kita. kumpara sa soap.
no they're wrong. being busy can't always be equated to being rich. even in this job. sana mabago na soon. sana masimulan na uli ang isa pang raket. pandagdag-kita din yon.
i hate it that my mom slipped and bumped her head. because we have to go to the doctor for an examination, kahit na wala syang nararamdaman. doctor means money. kaya nakakainis. pero i really really hope that she's okay inside out and i won't gamble on that by not having her checked. i just hate it that little accidents like that had to happen.
nung maysakit ako early this week natatakot ako. nagpe-pray ako. na sana gumaling ako at wala lang to. dahil takot ako sa doktor. takot ako maramdaman ang anxiety of waiting for the results. takot ako sa worst case scenarios. takot ako, period.
had a weird dream. i attended a wake of two people---my late grandma and a little girl--but there was only one coffin. tapos, biglang bumangon ang mga patay, one after the other. yung isa---yung lola ko pa yon--humingi pa sa kin ng pagkain.
so strange. i hope it doesn't mean anything bad.
i really wish i'd be rich. soon or a little later.
just got home at 5am because of a post-meeting inuman and late late dinner with osobear. mamaya, may brainstorm ng 1pm. parang nakaka-alang gana namang magbrainstorm para sa isang commitment na alam mong hindi ka mababayaran. i really wish they wouldn't pull us out. wala akong passion sa project pero sayang yung money.
hay. money makes the world go you-know. cliche, but true.
anong pipiliin mo, maging mayaman o maging maganda? haha. ang hirap naman. kasi pag mayaman ka, pwede mong gamitin ang pera para magpaganda. pero kung maganda ka naman, pwede mo rin namang gamitin ang ganda para magpayaman. hmm. tough choice at 6 am. itutulog ko muna.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
august recap
my august was a whirlwind. too loaded with TTDs to stop and actually write about them. things that kept my hands full were the tv shows and the AVP. up until yesterday, juggling pa rin. minsan nahuhulog ang isang bola, pero tinatantya ko. tinuturuan ko na ang sarili kong mag-prioritize. sana naman natuto na nga talaga ako.
broke for the moment, but that will change soon. will be a bit stabler. kahit papano. i thank god for a better august this year than that of last year. i was depressed, big time. lord, sana po wag kayong magsasawang ilayo kami sa anumang cause of unhappiness.
1st week of august. preprod week. naloloka ako sa limitadong oras at dami ng dapat gawin. kaya ganun na lang ang dasal ko, nasa sana naman ngitian kami ng langit sa...
2nd week of august. shoot week. nairaos naman. with HD, you can't go wrong---at least, look-wise. my first directing job since That Day. thank god walang mga dangerously risky scenes. haha. made a lot of compromises, as expected. but i didn't let the frustrations get to me. this was work. this wasn't (still isn't) mine. they hired me as a specialist. i just tried to do my job despite the limitations. siguro kung personal project to nagdurugo ang puso ko, pero somehow i've learned to distinguish the difference between what's personal and professional where laboring is concerned. dati kasi, kahit anong directing project, ginagawa kong personal project. kaya doon lumalabas ang katigasan ng ulo. ang frustrations. ang madugong work process (instigated by me on other people). pero kahit ganon, marami pa rin akong mga winish na ginawa ko nung shoot nang dumating ako sa...
3rd and 4th week of august. postprod week. na-realize ko na sa lahat talaga ng stages postprod ang pinakafavorite ko. iba ang high pag nakikita mong nabubuo ang pinlano at shinoot mo. ang pinakamajor angst ko lang (bukod sa artistang hitad na ayaw mag-dubbing) ay ang layo layo ng lugar ng editing. and the fact that postprod has been going on longer than usual. ok na ang client sa 2nd cut pero may pinapahabol pang konting minor revisions. di ko na yata feel bumagtas sa kabilang dulo ng mundo para lang upuan ang minor revisions na yon. at least nabunutan na ko ng tinik, at kung totoo ang sinasabi nila, happy naman sila. yun lang naman ang importante sa akin, na happy sila!
pero on the other hand, kung hindi naman sila talaga happy at hindi na nila ako kunin uli, wala din naman kaso sa akin. i'm married to my day job at querida ko ang mga rakets na iba. demanding na querida ang pagdidirek ng avp na to pero in fairness, masarap siya. hahaha. pero like how most married men feel about queridas, hindi ako emotionally attached sa kanya. kaya kahit ano, okay lang. for the experience alone, masaya ko dahil na-miss ko.
the soap has been airing for almost two weeks now and thank god, maganda ang ratings nya. ang sarap din ng feeling na napapanood mo yung mga eksenang sinulat mo. haha. lalo na pag pumapatok sya sa mga aling bebangs of the world. ang saya. sana ma-maintain namin.
kahapon na-disturb ako. may isang kakilala ako na pinatay. everytime that happens, nalulugmok ako. kasi kahit di ko ka-close, nakita ko syang buhay. and i'm reminded yet again of how frail we all are. of how everything can be cut short just like that. hindi ako nakatulog kagabi sa sobrang pagka-disturb ko. lalo pa't may co-writer ako who's been hospitalized and at some point was "fighting for his life". kahit hindi kami super friends nun iba pa rin talaga ang impact pag may nangyayaring mga ganon sa mga people in your circle. promise, lord, yung ganoong distansya is too close to home na for me. ganun pa lang, sobrang affected na ko. sana po lord lagi nyong poprotektahan ang mga pamilya at kaibigan ko.
masakit ang tiyan ko. for some reason. silly me, natakot ako na baka kung ano na to. baka mamatay na ko. ayoko pang mamatay. at 29, i have never been as afraid of death as i have ever been. takot nga ako sa ospital. gusto ko pag mamamatay ako yung biglaan at painless. minsan kasi nai-imagine ko kung anong pakiramdam pag may kutsilyo o balang tumatagos sa katawan ko, and the vividness of the feeling terrifies me. i'm terrified of death. i dread it just as much as i dread riding on a rollercoaster.
september na. i keep praying for divine guidance and protection. last year my september was almost hellish, what with THAT movie na sinusumpa-sumpa ko noon. minsan natatakot na ko na baka pag calm ang tubig, naghahanda lang ang isang tidal wave overhead. but i just rely on faith. that everything will be okay. that i'm just a chronic worrier. that god is good and this is my good karma for the ugly stuff that i'd gone through in the latter part of '07 and all of '08. lord, sana.
nanganak na uli ang pusa kong si keanna. mga pusakal. hay. nagrereklamo na ang parents ko sa dami ng mga hayop sa bahay. kaya one of these days kailangan na silang mag-evacuate somewhere. pero gusto ko pa rin talagang ipakasta si keanna sa isang siamese din. sayang naman ang DNA ng pusa kong maganda. hehe.
argh. gusto ko nang makatulog.
broke for the moment, but that will change soon. will be a bit stabler. kahit papano. i thank god for a better august this year than that of last year. i was depressed, big time. lord, sana po wag kayong magsasawang ilayo kami sa anumang cause of unhappiness.
1st week of august. preprod week. naloloka ako sa limitadong oras at dami ng dapat gawin. kaya ganun na lang ang dasal ko, nasa sana naman ngitian kami ng langit sa...
2nd week of august. shoot week. nairaos naman. with HD, you can't go wrong---at least, look-wise. my first directing job since That Day. thank god walang mga dangerously risky scenes. haha. made a lot of compromises, as expected. but i didn't let the frustrations get to me. this was work. this wasn't (still isn't) mine. they hired me as a specialist. i just tried to do my job despite the limitations. siguro kung personal project to nagdurugo ang puso ko, pero somehow i've learned to distinguish the difference between what's personal and professional where laboring is concerned. dati kasi, kahit anong directing project, ginagawa kong personal project. kaya doon lumalabas ang katigasan ng ulo. ang frustrations. ang madugong work process (instigated by me on other people). pero kahit ganon, marami pa rin akong mga winish na ginawa ko nung shoot nang dumating ako sa...
3rd and 4th week of august. postprod week. na-realize ko na sa lahat talaga ng stages postprod ang pinakafavorite ko. iba ang high pag nakikita mong nabubuo ang pinlano at shinoot mo. ang pinakamajor angst ko lang (bukod sa artistang hitad na ayaw mag-dubbing) ay ang layo layo ng lugar ng editing. and the fact that postprod has been going on longer than usual. ok na ang client sa 2nd cut pero may pinapahabol pang konting minor revisions. di ko na yata feel bumagtas sa kabilang dulo ng mundo para lang upuan ang minor revisions na yon. at least nabunutan na ko ng tinik, at kung totoo ang sinasabi nila, happy naman sila. yun lang naman ang importante sa akin, na happy sila!
pero on the other hand, kung hindi naman sila talaga happy at hindi na nila ako kunin uli, wala din naman kaso sa akin. i'm married to my day job at querida ko ang mga rakets na iba. demanding na querida ang pagdidirek ng avp na to pero in fairness, masarap siya. hahaha. pero like how most married men feel about queridas, hindi ako emotionally attached sa kanya. kaya kahit ano, okay lang. for the experience alone, masaya ko dahil na-miss ko.
the soap has been airing for almost two weeks now and thank god, maganda ang ratings nya. ang sarap din ng feeling na napapanood mo yung mga eksenang sinulat mo. haha. lalo na pag pumapatok sya sa mga aling bebangs of the world. ang saya. sana ma-maintain namin.
kahapon na-disturb ako. may isang kakilala ako na pinatay. everytime that happens, nalulugmok ako. kasi kahit di ko ka-close, nakita ko syang buhay. and i'm reminded yet again of how frail we all are. of how everything can be cut short just like that. hindi ako nakatulog kagabi sa sobrang pagka-disturb ko. lalo pa't may co-writer ako who's been hospitalized and at some point was "fighting for his life". kahit hindi kami super friends nun iba pa rin talaga ang impact pag may nangyayaring mga ganon sa mga people in your circle. promise, lord, yung ganoong distansya is too close to home na for me. ganun pa lang, sobrang affected na ko. sana po lord lagi nyong poprotektahan ang mga pamilya at kaibigan ko.
masakit ang tiyan ko. for some reason. silly me, natakot ako na baka kung ano na to. baka mamatay na ko. ayoko pang mamatay. at 29, i have never been as afraid of death as i have ever been. takot nga ako sa ospital. gusto ko pag mamamatay ako yung biglaan at painless. minsan kasi nai-imagine ko kung anong pakiramdam pag may kutsilyo o balang tumatagos sa katawan ko, and the vividness of the feeling terrifies me. i'm terrified of death. i dread it just as much as i dread riding on a rollercoaster.
september na. i keep praying for divine guidance and protection. last year my september was almost hellish, what with THAT movie na sinusumpa-sumpa ko noon. minsan natatakot na ko na baka pag calm ang tubig, naghahanda lang ang isang tidal wave overhead. but i just rely on faith. that everything will be okay. that i'm just a chronic worrier. that god is good and this is my good karma for the ugly stuff that i'd gone through in the latter part of '07 and all of '08. lord, sana.
nanganak na uli ang pusa kong si keanna. mga pusakal. hay. nagrereklamo na ang parents ko sa dami ng mga hayop sa bahay. kaya one of these days kailangan na silang mag-evacuate somewhere. pero gusto ko pa rin talagang ipakasta si keanna sa isang siamese din. sayang naman ang DNA ng pusa kong maganda. hehe.
argh. gusto ko nang makatulog.
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