why i hate you

they say that in dreams, we process our emotions, resolve our personal issues. i wish i could dream of you. i wish i could work it out within myself why i hate you SO much.

but now i've decided not to wait for my subconscious to resolve this pet peeve for me. kung alam mo lang how bitter i am, for reasons that my conscious mind cannot exactly pinpoint at the moment. basta alam ko lang, pag nababanggit ka, something negative stirs in me. i'm dampened, no matter how happy i am. like a shadow on a sunny day, rain on a wedding day.

pag iisipin ko, now i know why. or whys. and it has to do not only with the past but also with the present. i HATE you because of the past and because of the present. i HATE you even if i was the one who left, the one who did the "rejecting", just because. para kang latay noon sa pagkatao ko. kaya nga kita iniwanan in the first place. pero alam ko, deep inside, na pag hindi kita iniwanan, iiwanan mo rin ako. kaya siguro inunahan na kita. in deep, hindi ko man aminin, isa yon sa major reason.

now i'm fine, now i'm in a good place. with good people. and even if the memory of my past with you no longer hurts me, i will still carry the scars. not your fault. not anyone's fault, really. maybe except mine.

maraming kasong ganito. pero yung iba, naproseso ko nang tama. kaya okay na ko. wala akong bitterness. wala akong hatred. pero ikaw, ginusto lang kitang kalimutan. i simply shoved your memory at the back of my mind, and moved on. kaya siguro ngayon nagiging hangup.

i hated you for the past. for the bad feelings you brought upon me. but i hate you for the present, too. wala na kong mahihiling pa. nagpapasalamat ako sa diyos. i left you but i had a feeling that if i had wanted to come back to you, i would be the one rejected. and for that you are inaccessible to me in many senses of the word. inaccessible, unattainable. i was the one who left you and yet i'm the one who felt rejected and jilted. that's why i hate you so much.

if i would ever want you again, it would only be because i believe you wouldn't have me. ganon talaga siguro ang tao. they are tormented by those which they think they can never have. kahit masaya na sila.

that's why i hate you. and not only that. i also resent my inability to gain access to you. my inability to get inside you. you are literally closed in. and i hate you for it. because as far as i'm concerned, your doors have always been closed for me, and it's a fitting metaphor of our relationship. i was the one who left you, yet i feel that it was you who never gave me a chance.

i felt that there has been an injustice. siguro kaya masama ang loob ko. at kahit naiintindihan ng utak ko ngayon na wala namang rason para magalit, i still carry my baggage inside. and there's nothing that i want MORE than for you to finish up and get your ass out of my immediate environment. finish up and curl up and die, because i don't want to hear about you again.

so that's why i hate you. acknowledgment is the first step. i HATE you. i HATE you and i feel better now, just saying it.