alone in a room. i can't feel the ghosts tonight.
kaya siguro hindi inspired. hindi ko pa mahawakan ang mga ghosts na dapat ay nabubuhay na ngayon.
not even the thought of C can light this fire. kailangan pa syang isummon somewhere deep within.
20 sequences to go to complete 2 days. deadline by sunday. kahit 4 days man lang, realistically.
WAAAH. there are nights like this. times like this.
i just want to cuddle up in bed and sleep. :-(
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
week 6, done (possibly with revisions)
slowpokes don't have days off. but thankful enough for a full good night's sleep every 7 days or so.
six weeks down, how many more to go? i don't know. it's a good problem, but...it scares me. the way they like the show raises expectations, puts the pressure on. on top of that, the deadlines.
you're a cog in the big machinery, makes sure you do your part, and punctually enough. or else the machine might conk out, and you'd be blamed for it. blame is a strong word, but i'd rather think that, para hindiako mag-slack off at matakot ako at siguraduhin ko na hindi ako magkocause ng delay sa production. cause time is money. and in a show, no man is an island. no writer is an island. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective and mood), everything starts with YOU.
if you're late, it's a domino effect. if you don't do your job, the rest of the machine conks out.
on one hand, i'm happy to realize that where i am now, the work i do, it matters. unlike say, when i was scriptying for local movies. my whole scripty journey had been all about making my work matter. because honestly, in this inducstry, movies can get made withoout scriptys. but movies and TV shows can't get made without scriptwriters. in that aspect, i am thankful and feeling blest.
pero kung magpapakaparanoid tayo, the fact that evertrhing starts with your work... it's a daunting, even terrifying, pressuring task. kaya sa mga panahongpumepetiks na naman ako, o nadidistract ako masyado, i really should just remember. my actions affect the rest of the production. i'm not responsible for myself alone.i have a responsibility to the entire production, that i should deliver on time and material that is in fairly good shape.but mostly it really is about deadlines.
i really should be more aware of that. sharpen my sense of responsibility.
hello, week 7. how many weeks to go? i should sleep first. get a good night's sleep. when you start to care for the project, it becomes your life. i should have a consistent working rhythm, for the next many weeks or so.
sana naman wag sobrang stretch. good problem or not, we would want to remember this story as a good one. not a "stretched" one. let's preserve its essence.
thank you lord. but i'm scared. buti na lang, isa kaming tatsulok. me, my HW, and my CM. nothing beats the fulfillment of watching something you've written come alive. aside from the fulfillment of watching something you've directed, maybe.
actually, ito lang. ngayon lang ako napasabi nito, the first time since 2008. Gusto ko nang maging direktor. Para madirek ko si JR someday.
HAHA. usapang lasing na ito. pero oo, seryoso ako. nafrustrate much ako nung nagpapicture ako, at parang statwa si lolo. humanda ka sa kin balang araw... mwahahaha.
hay. balik na naman ang isip sa susunod na linggong gagawin. thank you lord. dahil parang may nabuhay sa pagkatao ko. yung kerida ko, halos hindi ko na sya binibisita. i'm an all-or-nothing beeyatch. either i love you so much, or i don't, at all. i can't do the in-between. i'd love to, but that's not me.
hello week 7!
six weeks down, how many more to go? i don't know. it's a good problem, but...it scares me. the way they like the show raises expectations, puts the pressure on. on top of that, the deadlines.
you're a cog in the big machinery, makes sure you do your part, and punctually enough. or else the machine might conk out, and you'd be blamed for it. blame is a strong word, but i'd rather think that, para hindiako mag-slack off at matakot ako at siguraduhin ko na hindi ako magkocause ng delay sa production. cause time is money. and in a show, no man is an island. no writer is an island. unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective and mood), everything starts with YOU.
if you're late, it's a domino effect. if you don't do your job, the rest of the machine conks out.
on one hand, i'm happy to realize that where i am now, the work i do, it matters. unlike say, when i was scriptying for local movies. my whole scripty journey had been all about making my work matter. because honestly, in this inducstry, movies can get made withoout scriptys. but movies and TV shows can't get made without scriptwriters. in that aspect, i am thankful and feeling blest.
pero kung magpapakaparanoid tayo, the fact that evertrhing starts with your work... it's a daunting, even terrifying, pressuring task. kaya sa mga panahongpumepetiks na naman ako, o nadidistract ako masyado, i really should just remember. my actions affect the rest of the production. i'm not responsible for myself alone.i have a responsibility to the entire production, that i should deliver on time and material that is in fairly good shape.but mostly it really is about deadlines.
i really should be more aware of that. sharpen my sense of responsibility.
hello, week 7. how many weeks to go? i should sleep first. get a good night's sleep. when you start to care for the project, it becomes your life. i should have a consistent working rhythm, for the next many weeks or so.
sana naman wag sobrang stretch. good problem or not, we would want to remember this story as a good one. not a "stretched" one. let's preserve its essence.
thank you lord. but i'm scared. buti na lang, isa kaming tatsulok. me, my HW, and my CM. nothing beats the fulfillment of watching something you've written come alive. aside from the fulfillment of watching something you've directed, maybe.
actually, ito lang. ngayon lang ako napasabi nito, the first time since 2008. Gusto ko nang maging direktor. Para madirek ko si JR someday.
HAHA. usapang lasing na ito. pero oo, seryoso ako. nafrustrate much ako nung nagpapicture ako, at parang statwa si lolo. humanda ka sa kin balang araw... mwahahaha.
hay. balik na naman ang isip sa susunod na linggong gagawin. thank you lord. dahil parang may nabuhay sa pagkatao ko. yung kerida ko, halos hindi ko na sya binibisita. i'm an all-or-nothing beeyatch. either i love you so much, or i don't, at all. i can't do the in-between. i'd love to, but that's not me.
hello week 7!
Dahil sa isang Humans of New York post...
Napaisip tuloy ako. How does it feel to be a mother?
Let me count the feels.
Yung aliw, sa tuwing sumisipa sya sa loob ng tiyan ko. She used to kick in the lower left side of my abdomen. :-)
Yung agonizing pain, nung gusto na nyang lumabas at hindi pa ko ready. My labor hours were short but intense. Parang may dumudurog sa mga buto ng balakang ko and it was, literally, nearly intolerable. white-knuckled kind of pain. PERO SULIT NA SULIT NAMAN YON, dahil...
Yung indescribable joy, the first time ko syang nakita, at the very moment she was born. I remember vividly how she looked. She was yellowbrown, around 13 inches long, with a barrel torso, like all newborn babies. She was beautiful, and she was mine, and if I weren't so tired and drugged from all that "laboring" i would have cried. literally indescribable kind of joy, dahil wala akong mahanap na salita para klase ng saya na naramdaman ko noon. maybe a mix of wonder, awe, bliss-- pero not even close.
Yung terror, the moment she was brought into the hospital room to stay with me overnight, na hindi ko alam kung paano maging isang ina sa isang maliit na baby. i was terrified. 5 minutes of cold feet/ mommy jitters.
Yung tuwa, the first time I breastfed her successfully. yung unang sagap nya ng milk from my teat. I'd been worried na baka hindi nya matutunan agad dumede from my teat. i had wanted to breastfeed her exclusively (walang formula)
Yung fear, when she was a newborn, na baka madaganan ko sya habang natutulog o maging biktima sya ng SIDS. because she was so fragile and small. as a first time mother i had many fears.
Yung frustration, kapag hindi ko siya mapatulog o mapatahan as a baby, o kapag inaantok na ako o pagod ako at hindi ko pa rin sya mapatulog.
Yung pride, the first time she said "Mama" (or was it "Papa"?).
Yung lungkot, when i'd be away at work and i'd miss her so badly. hanggang ngayon, when i'd only be working inside my room and hardly come out for days, namimiss ko pa rin siya.
Yung awa, kapag umiiyak at humahabol siya sa tuwing aalis ako ng bahay. pinakamalala ito between 3 mos and 3.5 years. ang sakit sa puso. hindi ko matiis. may time na ayaw nya akong bitawan dahil papasok na naman ako ng working room. the room is within our house, pero ayaw nya pa rin. naiiyak tuloy ako as i write! :-( my baby used to be so clingy.
Yung inis, during her makulit/malikot/tigas ulo moments. Pero ang anak ko, mabait at behaved na kumpara sa iba.
Yung pride, for seeing proof that she is a well-behaved, mabait na bata. when teachers and co-parents say na mabait ang anak ko--- grabe. nakakatuwa. because it means, bukod sa naturalesa nya yon, that we are not doing something wrong when it comes to her upbringing.
Yung frustration, kapag masyado akong busy at hindi ko matutukan ang anak ko.
Yung hindi macontain na excitement, on her first day of school. For some reason I felt like i was the one who was going to Kinder 2. Kahit hanggang ngayon, pag papasok na sya sa school, i'd always ask, "ano kayang aaralin nina Audrey today?" and she 'd always answer, "Letter A!" to which i'd always reply, "Letter A na naman!? di na nakausad?!"haha.
Yung heartwarming joy, sa tuwing niyayaykap nya ako before she leaves for/ when she comes home from school. My daughter's hugs and kisses are precious to me. Ngayon naiintindihan ko na ang feeling ng tatay ko each time i'd indulge his request for a hug or a kiss when i was a kid.
Yung fear, na baka we're not raising her the right way. Parents mean well, but sometimes they don't know any better. We are imperfect people who are trying our best to raise good kids, pero minsan may nagagawa na pala tayong harmful, pero hindi natin alam. yun ang worst fear ko... to do harm to my child, and not be even aware of it. My husband and I agree on one priority--- disciplining her so that she wouuld grow up to be a good person. Yung may compassion, may malasakit, marunong magshare, at marunong makipagkapwa tao. kulang na lang dyan, yung makadiyos.
ang haba na. pero ang tagal ko ring hindi nagkwento about my daughter. I am many things. But it's being a mother that I love the most. kung may legacy man ako sa mundong ito, i think it's my child.
one more feeling: yung Love, kapag kinukwento mo ang anak mo. it's not something that everyone can relate to or be interested in. but it brings me joy, talking about her. i remember just how much i love her, recallig our history together.
Let me count the feels.
Yung aliw, sa tuwing sumisipa sya sa loob ng tiyan ko. She used to kick in the lower left side of my abdomen. :-)
Yung agonizing pain, nung gusto na nyang lumabas at hindi pa ko ready. My labor hours were short but intense. Parang may dumudurog sa mga buto ng balakang ko and it was, literally, nearly intolerable. white-knuckled kind of pain. PERO SULIT NA SULIT NAMAN YON, dahil...
Yung indescribable joy, the first time ko syang nakita, at the very moment she was born. I remember vividly how she looked. She was yellowbrown, around 13 inches long, with a barrel torso, like all newborn babies. She was beautiful, and she was mine, and if I weren't so tired and drugged from all that "laboring" i would have cried. literally indescribable kind of joy, dahil wala akong mahanap na salita para klase ng saya na naramdaman ko noon. maybe a mix of wonder, awe, bliss-- pero not even close.
Yung terror, the moment she was brought into the hospital room to stay with me overnight, na hindi ko alam kung paano maging isang ina sa isang maliit na baby. i was terrified. 5 minutes of cold feet/ mommy jitters.
Yung tuwa, the first time I breastfed her successfully. yung unang sagap nya ng milk from my teat. I'd been worried na baka hindi nya matutunan agad dumede from my teat. i had wanted to breastfeed her exclusively (walang formula)
Yung fear, when she was a newborn, na baka madaganan ko sya habang natutulog o maging biktima sya ng SIDS. because she was so fragile and small. as a first time mother i had many fears.
Yung frustration, kapag hindi ko siya mapatulog o mapatahan as a baby, o kapag inaantok na ako o pagod ako at hindi ko pa rin sya mapatulog.
Yung pride, the first time she said "Mama" (or was it "Papa"?).
Yung lungkot, when i'd be away at work and i'd miss her so badly. hanggang ngayon, when i'd only be working inside my room and hardly come out for days, namimiss ko pa rin siya.
Yung awa, kapag umiiyak at humahabol siya sa tuwing aalis ako ng bahay. pinakamalala ito between 3 mos and 3.5 years. ang sakit sa puso. hindi ko matiis. may time na ayaw nya akong bitawan dahil papasok na naman ako ng working room. the room is within our house, pero ayaw nya pa rin. naiiyak tuloy ako as i write! :-( my baby used to be so clingy.
Yung inis, during her makulit/malikot/tigas ulo moments. Pero ang anak ko, mabait at behaved na kumpara sa iba.
Yung pride, for seeing proof that she is a well-behaved, mabait na bata. when teachers and co-parents say na mabait ang anak ko--- grabe. nakakatuwa. because it means, bukod sa naturalesa nya yon, that we are not doing something wrong when it comes to her upbringing.
Yung frustration, kapag masyado akong busy at hindi ko matutukan ang anak ko.
Yung hindi macontain na excitement, on her first day of school. For some reason I felt like i was the one who was going to Kinder 2. Kahit hanggang ngayon, pag papasok na sya sa school, i'd always ask, "ano kayang aaralin nina Audrey today?" and she 'd always answer, "Letter A!" to which i'd always reply, "Letter A na naman!? di na nakausad?!"haha.
Yung heartwarming joy, sa tuwing niyayaykap nya ako before she leaves for/ when she comes home from school. My daughter's hugs and kisses are precious to me. Ngayon naiintindihan ko na ang feeling ng tatay ko each time i'd indulge his request for a hug or a kiss when i was a kid.
Yung fear, na baka we're not raising her the right way. Parents mean well, but sometimes they don't know any better. We are imperfect people who are trying our best to raise good kids, pero minsan may nagagawa na pala tayong harmful, pero hindi natin alam. yun ang worst fear ko... to do harm to my child, and not be even aware of it. My husband and I agree on one priority--- disciplining her so that she wouuld grow up to be a good person. Yung may compassion, may malasakit, marunong magshare, at marunong makipagkapwa tao. kulang na lang dyan, yung makadiyos.
ang haba na. pero ang tagal ko ring hindi nagkwento about my daughter. I am many things. But it's being a mother that I love the most. kung may legacy man ako sa mundong ito, i think it's my child.
one more feeling: yung Love, kapag kinukwento mo ang anak mo. it's not something that everyone can relate to or be interested in. but it brings me joy, talking about her. i remember just how much i love her, recallig our history together.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
my prayers for today
Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you for this day. I just pray for two things.
1) That I finish 3 days' worth of script by 7pm tonight -- only 3/4 into the first (pero kahit po 2 days na sarado, at masaya naman ako, pwede na po, Lord)
2) That I get a decent picture with "Clark" at the thankee party tonight (by decent, meaning, maganda naman po ang kuha ko-- siya kasi, hindi na natin poproblemahin)
Number 1 is a colossal task, but I have faith that You will help me. Give me speed and energy Lord, help me write nonstop para po matapos ko ang 2 (kung suswertehin, 3) script days tonight.
iisipin ko na lang po na yungNumber 2 would be my reward for accomplishing number 1. Please, help me accomplish number 1, Lord Jesus.
Thank you so much. You really are the Greatest!
Love,
Saffron
Thank you for this day. I just pray for two things.
1) That I finish 3 days' worth of script by 7pm tonight -- only 3/4 into the first (pero kahit po 2 days na sarado, at masaya naman ako, pwede na po, Lord)
2) That I get a decent picture with "Clark" at the thankee party tonight (by decent, meaning, maganda naman po ang kuha ko-- siya kasi, hindi na natin poproblemahin)
Number 1 is a colossal task, but I have faith that You will help me. Give me speed and energy Lord, help me write nonstop para po matapos ko ang 2 (kung suswertehin, 3) script days tonight.
iisipin ko na lang po na yungNumber 2 would be my reward for accomplishing number 1. Please, help me accomplish number 1, Lord Jesus.
Thank you so much. You really are the Greatest!
Love,
Saffron
Monday, August 17, 2015
oh, man. you have it bad.
dala siguro ng deadlines.
pero ngayon ko lang naexperience 'to.
naiinis ako sa mga babaeng nalilink sa kanya.
hindi "link" as in nachichismis lang.
yung nalilink na may ebidensya. as in, fb.
ang totoo, naiinggit ako! masyado kayong swerte ha! letche kayo.
kasi, lahat sila, mga...ewan ang fez. haha. now i sound like a true blue fantard.
but no. really.
all of them, they are not even HALF as beautiful as he is. not even.
so what's with these chicks with made-up faces? yun ang mga type mo? really??
mas maganda pa si leah dyan e.
mas matatanggap ko pa kung sakanya ka na lang. it's either sa kanya ka, o sa akin ka. but then, i'm no longer available (sorry), kaya sa kanya na lang. :-)
sobrang beautiful mo kaya. bakit mahilig ka sa mga chinitang hilaw na makakapal ang makeup at may itsurang retokada? #fantardbitch
(seriously, i'm not referring to just one chick. but 2 or 3. yeah, he's, well, a bit careless. in this age of social media, you can't date around without the entire www knowing)
pero talaga ha! mas matatanggap ko pa kung true blue maganda! nakakainis ka talaga.
week 6. hi! ba't wala ako sa mood sa yo?
lakas makaBV nitong mga dinedate ni crush-of-the-moment e.
pero ngayon ko lang naexperience 'to.
naiinis ako sa mga babaeng nalilink sa kanya.
hindi "link" as in nachichismis lang.
yung nalilink na may ebidensya. as in, fb.
ang totoo, naiinggit ako! masyado kayong swerte ha! letche kayo.
kasi, lahat sila, mga...ewan ang fez. haha. now i sound like a true blue fantard.
but no. really.
all of them, they are not even HALF as beautiful as he is. not even.
so what's with these chicks with made-up faces? yun ang mga type mo? really??
mas maganda pa si leah dyan e.
mas matatanggap ko pa kung sakanya ka na lang. it's either sa kanya ka, o sa akin ka. but then, i'm no longer available (sorry), kaya sa kanya na lang. :-)
sobrang beautiful mo kaya. bakit mahilig ka sa mga chinitang hilaw na makakapal ang makeup at may itsurang retokada? #fantardbitch
(seriously, i'm not referring to just one chick. but 2 or 3. yeah, he's, well, a bit careless. in this age of social media, you can't date around without the entire www knowing)
pero talaga ha! mas matatanggap ko pa kung true blue maganda! nakakainis ka talaga.
week 6. hi! ba't wala ako sa mood sa yo?
lakas makaBV nitong mga dinedate ni crush-of-the-moment e.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
selling dreams
when i'm in the zone, it's my dreams i'm trying to sell to you. it becomes more than just a job. it becomes an outlet. i discover these dreams that i never knew i had.
when i'm in the zone, i look forward to continuing their story. i look forward to living it, alongside these two people whom i feel i know very well. at best, it's like living another life, being another person, carving out a dream world.
* * *
writing, especially under the pressure of a deadline, can be hell.
but there are rare moments. pag nakaimmerse ka sa sinusulat mo. in that world, undistracted, when it feels good. almost great. you know these people. you know their problems. you know the world they're in. you actually CARE.
i haven't cared for a project like this in a long time. i haven't known characters this way for years. may parte sa loob ko na nabuhay, and i don't even know how that happened.
maybe it was self-motivated. i had to find something (someone) to inspire me. to make me care.
* * *
their love story can go on and on and on kung ako lang ang masusunod. but it's time to go home. :-(
'
Wednesday, August 05, 2015
inspiration
he's so beautiful.
ang daming beautiful sa industrya, pero kakaiba sya. he smolders. he broods (effortlessly).he seduces (without contrivance). but there's a little boy vulnerability to him, as well. and yes, mystery. and the way he looks at you with those soul-deep eyes. #fan
he reminds me of keanu. the same aura. the same quiet mien. i never really noticed how magnetic he was. we've been working on this project since january, but i only got to take that second look, that lingering look, at him recently. maybe because there was a need. a need for inspiration.
week 5. and soon life is going to be verrry busy and verrry toxic, if i am to be karpintero for the rest of our scripting. at this point, yes, i need an inspiration. BADLY. DESPERATELY.
i write, and i see him in my head. to me he is not J. he is C, the character, the lead in this love story. i can fall in love with C, because he looks like J, and i feel like i know him, very well, and he embodies almost all that i ever look for in a guy (almost).
on day 3 now. need to finish this TODAY. stress is no longer a side dish, but a main course ingested more than 3x a day. coffee has become my BFF. thank you lord, for C who looks like J. as of week 5, he is my muse, my inspiration. he loves her, the girl in our story, i feel like he can love me.
we get inspiration wherever, whenever it is available.
(happily married with a beautiful kid, but crushing on C/J doesn't make me love my hubby osobear any less. besides, he doesn't mind. he understands that at the end of the day, i end up coming home to his arms)
okay, may traces pa ng romance novel paperback writingstyle ang tono ko. back to romance novel paperback writing style again.
week 5. i wonder if i will really have to tackle this til the end (as karpintero) on my own.
ang daming beautiful sa industrya, pero kakaiba sya. he smolders. he broods (effortlessly).he seduces (without contrivance). but there's a little boy vulnerability to him, as well. and yes, mystery. and the way he looks at you with those soul-deep eyes. #fan
he reminds me of keanu. the same aura. the same quiet mien. i never really noticed how magnetic he was. we've been working on this project since january, but i only got to take that second look, that lingering look, at him recently. maybe because there was a need. a need for inspiration.
week 5. and soon life is going to be verrry busy and verrry toxic, if i am to be karpintero for the rest of our scripting. at this point, yes, i need an inspiration. BADLY. DESPERATELY.
i write, and i see him in my head. to me he is not J. he is C, the character, the lead in this love story. i can fall in love with C, because he looks like J, and i feel like i know him, very well, and he embodies almost all that i ever look for in a guy (almost).
on day 3 now. need to finish this TODAY. stress is no longer a side dish, but a main course ingested more than 3x a day. coffee has become my BFF. thank you lord, for C who looks like J. as of week 5, he is my muse, my inspiration. he loves her, the girl in our story, i feel like he can love me.
we get inspiration wherever, whenever it is available.
(happily married with a beautiful kid, but crushing on C/J doesn't make me love my hubby osobear any less. besides, he doesn't mind. he understands that at the end of the day, i end up coming home to his arms)
okay, may traces pa ng romance novel paperback writingstyle ang tono ko. back to romance novel paperback writing style again.
week 5. i wonder if i will really have to tackle this til the end (as karpintero) on my own.
Saturday, August 01, 2015
outside the nursery
lessons from outside the nursery:
* do not take everything at face value. everything --- including people's actions and reactions--- has a story behind it. lahat may pinanggagalingan. laging may big picture.
* the world is a great machine running 24/7, and we are all butt cogs and wheels. try to be the best cog/wheel/screw that you can be. cause if the machine fucks up, you wouldn't want to be the cause.
*be careful who you trust.
*be aware of factions, but be neutral.
*keep your secrets, secrets. or if you must really let someone know, choose your confidantes wisely.
*the world is a big ocean, and we're all trying to keep ourselves above water. people can and do help and support each other, but when push comes to shove, don't expect them to prioritize your ass over theirs. which brings me to the next point...
*don't rely on anyone to protect and save your ass but yourself.
*know the names on your "distrust" list. conversely, know your allies.
*know the people to please. make them your allies. it doesn't matter how you feel about them. you don't have to be friends with them (though that would be ideal), just make sure they like you. in the context of what you all do.
and another thing:
* do not understimate the power of the "like", a smile, or a little verbal appreciation. they will come a long way.
*the best way to say "thank you" and "fuck you" is to do your best.
*the best way to say "thank you" and "fuck you" is to do your best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)