50 sequences away from completion. deadline in 24 hours.
kung sana bawat oras, may 2 eksena akong natatapos, mamimeet ko ang deadline
lagi akong ganito. laging may tinik sa utak kapag may deadline na malupit.
pero THINK POSITIVE tayo. lalo na sa panahong ganito.
a finished script = MONEY! moolah! pambayad sa mga dapat bayaran!
bukod sa utang ko sa asawa ko, wala naman akong ibang utang. walang credit cards, walang utang sa ibang tao. except, well, yung hinuhulugang lupa namin. INVESTMENT!
so let's finish this dang script! just breeze through it!
LET'S MAKE MONEY, saffron!! let's go let's go! :-)
sa 2017, BABAHA ANG PERA! i know you're hearing me, universe!
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Saturday, November 12, 2016
sweet november
sana maging sweet ang november na ito, hanggang sa dulo.
deadline for 2 days of week 5 on tuesday/wednesday. may monday dinner. so i have today, sunday, and early tuesday to finish 40+ sequences.
our boss's birthday party last night. i got drunk on wine. drunk, as in, i was vomiting on the pavement. eww. parang hayskul na first time uminom. there goes my reputation.
but it was fun. i was happy. i drank to overcome my shyness (hate being in big parties!), ended up being a social butterfly. hindi ko alam kung ilang tao ang sinabihan ko ng "i love you" kagabi. i hope i didn't embarrass myself too much!
deadline for 2 days of week 5 on tuesday/wednesday. may monday dinner. so i have today, sunday, and early tuesday to finish 40+ sequences.
our boss's birthday party last night. i got drunk on wine. drunk, as in, i was vomiting on the pavement. eww. parang hayskul na first time uminom. there goes my reputation.
but it was fun. i was happy. i drank to overcome my shyness (hate being in big parties!), ended up being a social butterfly. hindi ko alam kung ilang tao ang sinabihan ko ng "i love you" kagabi. i hope i didn't embarrass myself too much!
Sunday, October 30, 2016
post-deadline stupor
after 7 days of writing...it's done. week 4, that is.
and suddenly i find myself a bit directionless. so it's done. what to do now?
well, for starters, enjoy the long weekend. 12 hours ago inggit na inggit ako sa mga maagang nag-long weekend. at 8pm tonight, my long weekend began. pero may butal pang research eklavu na kailangang isubmit, so... bukas na isubmit ang research. magmovie night muna with my bosobear.
happy ako sa week 4 na 'to. ang daming nangyayari. ang daming pasaberg. mas madali for me magsulat ng suspense, action, drama, kesa romance or comedy. i just realized that recently. it's easier to just...pile one quantum event after the other. kesa yung bubunuin mo at hihimayin mo ang emotions, idedevelop mo nang masusi ang relationships. o di kaya magpapatawa ka. seeing the humor in things.
kaya nga kahit uber late (justkolord. sana maiba naman), masaya ako. rare ako masaya sa isang tinrabaho. madami pang kulang, maraming pwedeng idagdag, pero for a first draft, i think it's not bad. maybe. o baka naman biased ako. let me read it again after a good night's sleep. :-D
nawalan na ako ng amor kay P, ewan ko ba. it's really easy for me to fall in and out crushes. really easy to tune out.
i want to decorate Plants vs Zombies cookies for November!
i want to bake a really yummy cake.
i want to learn a new recipe.
i want to eat at Sambokojin tomorrow with my mag-ama.
i want to pamper myself after this 7-day marathon work dahil feeling ko, deserve ko 'to.
i want to have a beer right now.
ang hirap talagang kumita ng pera. haha.
happy halloween, world!
and suddenly i find myself a bit directionless. so it's done. what to do now?
well, for starters, enjoy the long weekend. 12 hours ago inggit na inggit ako sa mga maagang nag-long weekend. at 8pm tonight, my long weekend began. pero may butal pang research eklavu na kailangang isubmit, so... bukas na isubmit ang research. magmovie night muna with my bosobear.
happy ako sa week 4 na 'to. ang daming nangyayari. ang daming pasaberg. mas madali for me magsulat ng suspense, action, drama, kesa romance or comedy. i just realized that recently. it's easier to just...pile one quantum event after the other. kesa yung bubunuin mo at hihimayin mo ang emotions, idedevelop mo nang masusi ang relationships. o di kaya magpapatawa ka. seeing the humor in things.
kaya nga kahit uber late (justkolord. sana maiba naman), masaya ako. rare ako masaya sa isang tinrabaho. madami pang kulang, maraming pwedeng idagdag, pero for a first draft, i think it's not bad. maybe. o baka naman biased ako. let me read it again after a good night's sleep. :-D
nawalan na ako ng amor kay P, ewan ko ba. it's really easy for me to fall in and out crushes. really easy to tune out.
i want to decorate Plants vs Zombies cookies for November!
i want to bake a really yummy cake.
i want to learn a new recipe.
i want to eat at Sambokojin tomorrow with my mag-ama.
i want to pamper myself after this 7-day marathon work dahil feeling ko, deserve ko 'to.
i want to have a beer right now.
ang hirap talagang kumita ng pera. haha.
happy halloween, world!
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
giving myself a night off
a weekend in the life of beeyatchy me:
saturday - labored over a cookie order. 60 pieces handcrafted one-by-one, for a baby shower
by afternoon, they were all shipped safely to client via Gr@b express. really efficient service! same day delivery to Makati, cost the client only P155. i don't share it on my social media accounts for selfish reasons-- the more people avail of the service, the greater the risk of its efficiency getting compromised. kaya, quiet lang ako. but i will use this for my deliveries from now on! not only with cookies, but with other thingies!
we were supposed to go out on a family date that Saturday, pero ang daming labada for work. Powerpoint presentation for Monday -- at that time, hindi ko pa buo ang mismong kwento, let alone the powerpoint version :-(
so i procrastinated, big time. spent all afternoon with my babygirl. after a hectic week na lagi akong umaalis for work, kailangang bumawi sa anak na mataba!
she likes creating! poems, drawings, stories, ideas for computer games, songs, lyrics, even dance steps and fictional worlds. she loves generating ideas, this beautiful girl. i hope she grows up to become a creator, but not the kind of creators that her parents are. wag na sanang writer, kasi gusto ko syang makapag-asawa! siguro mababaw na dahilan, pero ewan. minsan swerte-swertehan sa trabahong ito. i want the best for her future, and i want something sureball. like an engineering career, or a computer/infotech-related career (it's the future!). ayoko ding matuto syang magyosi, uminom, tumaba nang tumaba dahil sa kakaupo at kakastress over deadlines. :-D
gandang ganda din ako sa anak ko. i can't get over it. she does not look like me, but I'm just so in love with that face. Nagpapasalamat pa nga ako, na hindi sya namukha sa akin, cause she came out so much better-looking! (kung lalake ako, hindi ko matatypean ang sarili ko. ayoko sa mga mukhang masungit!) i just love those round, dreamy, sleepy, deep-set eyes. the little-girl button of a nose. the full lips she got from her father. that round face she got from me, pero sana it remains soft-edged kahit na hanggang paglaki nya (my cheekbones kinda acquired a life of their own when i hit puberty! reminds me of Maleficent)
#filteredeyesniMama
i just have to post pictures of her all over my virtual walls. it's something that i just am so COMPELLED to do, for reasons that I can't understand. compelled to share that beautiful face to the world.
and share every single potential talent, too. every single achievement. hindi ako mayabang sa sarili kong mga ganap (sa tingin ko naman! i kinda dislike hornblowers and showoffs), pero pagdating sa anak, lumalabas ang yabang!
at bilang nasa usapang achievements na rin ako, i'm happy that she's Top 2 in her Grade One class. the competitive mom in me would instinctively ask, bakit hindi Top 1? pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko, lalo na sa harap nya. I want her to absorb the right values (hindi mo kakumpitensya ang ibang tao, kundi ang sarili mo---but then she's in Grade One, let her enjoy her childhood and have fun!). At Grade One I was conditioned to be competitive and to achieve, pero ayokong ulitin yung ganong upbringing sa anak ko. mas gusto kong matutunan nya yung pagiging masipag, conscientious, at responsible about schoolwork. the results will only be the icing on the cake. ang importante, ginawa nya ang required na gawin, at hindi sya sumuko, tyinaga nya.
anyway, going back to Saturday. wala akong masyadong nagawa with regards to work. inuna ko pang gawin ang mga cookies ni babygirl for Teachers' Day
this was easier to do than build a story from the ground up.
Saturday evening, saw Captain America: Civil War for the first time (1 year delay! kaloka). Not bad, compared to that asinine B vs S movie that really annoyed me. Anything is better than that one.
Sunday.
Rushed something for work aside from the powerpoint that I was supposed to do. Spent all afternoon just finishing that.
Then the Powerpoint. Had to face the music. Kahit na hindi ko feel. Nagviber ang direktor namin with new inputs 24 hours earlier. Ngayong hinaharap ko na, ngayon kolang narealize hindi ganoon kadaling ayusin yung meron kami so far, to fit his inputs.
so all evening i spent just... mulling over it. I HATE concept development. I hate it :-(
Finally, MONDAY.
woke up Monday nang wala pang masyadong nagagawa for that powerpoint. was expecting to do work for the new show Monday til Thursday, on top of that powerpoint. Kaya medyo masama ang timpla ko this morning.
may meeting ng 6pm. being the only writer in the group, I knew I was expected na magpresent ng kwentong nabuo ko na from everyone's input. well guess what-- alas-12 na ng tanghali, lutang pa rin ako. hindi ko mahawakan ang isang ito. ilang taon na rin naman akong dumadaan sa pitching season. pero EWAN. today i was just out of it.
needed coffee and yowsi, ASAP.
but first, a visit to the Dentist.
i have periodontitis. A really bad gum disease. I have had one tooth extracted because of it. This week, I will have another molar pulled out of me. Permanently. so I've been having my teeth cleaned religiously to treat the periodontitis. and my dentist has advised me to stop smoking for good, or else all my teeth would fall off. :-(
hard decision to make. so I'm setting a deadline for my smoking habit. i don't know if I will be able to stick to that. but I have to. kasi ang hirap kumain nang walang ngipin! at mahilig pa naman akong kumain!
60 kilos. the weighing scale said last week. malamang ganyan pa din akoo ngayon, give or take. during my OWTWOWL days I had gone up to 63, maybe more. grabe. donya jubis days. ngayon medyo donyita jubis na lang. sana mawala na ang donyita next month. tapos next next month, yung jubis mawala na din.
wishful thinking. i love food too damn much. :-(
so after the dentist appointment i spent all afternoon at Starbucks, just wringing my brain. forcing myself to construct this story. golgotha. ang hirap. :-( sayang din ang ginastos ko sa Starbucks kung wala akong magagawa (MORTAL NA KASALANAN, ayon sa asawa ko).
pero at 5pm, salamat naman. yung mga inubo ng utak kong nangangalawang these past three days, nagamit ko naman para sa powerpoint presentation na ipepresent ko sa groupmates ko. half-baked, hilaw yes. pero at least...buo. sa mata ng groupmates ko, at least.
wednesday ang next meeting. thursday ang pitching, SANA SANA yung CM ko na lang ang magpitch! marami pang bubunuin between tonight and those days. pero for TONIGHT, night-off muna! kumain ako ng paborito kong lembest sisig at kanin (kahit gabi na--bakit ba!).
at maya-maya nandito na si hubby. tinirahan ko sya ng sisig.
tulog na si babygirl. bukas ng umaga na lang kami magkikitta.
for now, ipapainit ko muna ang sisig.
i love this life! kapag walang deadlines at stressful thingies!
thank you Lord!
saturday - labored over a cookie order. 60 pieces handcrafted one-by-one, for a baby shower
by afternoon, they were all shipped safely to client via Gr@b express. really efficient service! same day delivery to Makati, cost the client only P155. i don't share it on my social media accounts for selfish reasons-- the more people avail of the service, the greater the risk of its efficiency getting compromised. kaya, quiet lang ako. but i will use this for my deliveries from now on! not only with cookies, but with other thingies!
we were supposed to go out on a family date that Saturday, pero ang daming labada for work. Powerpoint presentation for Monday -- at that time, hindi ko pa buo ang mismong kwento, let alone the powerpoint version :-(
so i procrastinated, big time. spent all afternoon with my babygirl. after a hectic week na lagi akong umaalis for work, kailangang bumawi sa anak na mataba!
she likes creating! poems, drawings, stories, ideas for computer games, songs, lyrics, even dance steps and fictional worlds. she loves generating ideas, this beautiful girl. i hope she grows up to become a creator, but not the kind of creators that her parents are. wag na sanang writer, kasi gusto ko syang makapag-asawa! siguro mababaw na dahilan, pero ewan. minsan swerte-swertehan sa trabahong ito. i want the best for her future, and i want something sureball. like an engineering career, or a computer/infotech-related career (it's the future!). ayoko ding matuto syang magyosi, uminom, tumaba nang tumaba dahil sa kakaupo at kakastress over deadlines. :-D
gandang ganda din ako sa anak ko. i can't get over it. she does not look like me, but I'm just so in love with that face. Nagpapasalamat pa nga ako, na hindi sya namukha sa akin, cause she came out so much better-looking! (kung lalake ako, hindi ko matatypean ang sarili ko. ayoko sa mga mukhang masungit!) i just love those round, dreamy, sleepy, deep-set eyes. the little-girl button of a nose. the full lips she got from her father. that round face she got from me, pero sana it remains soft-edged kahit na hanggang paglaki nya (my cheekbones kinda acquired a life of their own when i hit puberty! reminds me of Maleficent)
#filteredeyesniMama
i just have to post pictures of her all over my virtual walls. it's something that i just am so COMPELLED to do, for reasons that I can't understand. compelled to share that beautiful face to the world.
and share every single potential talent, too. every single achievement. hindi ako mayabang sa sarili kong mga ganap (sa tingin ko naman! i kinda dislike hornblowers and showoffs), pero pagdating sa anak, lumalabas ang yabang!
at bilang nasa usapang achievements na rin ako, i'm happy that she's Top 2 in her Grade One class. the competitive mom in me would instinctively ask, bakit hindi Top 1? pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko, lalo na sa harap nya. I want her to absorb the right values (hindi mo kakumpitensya ang ibang tao, kundi ang sarili mo---but then she's in Grade One, let her enjoy her childhood and have fun!). At Grade One I was conditioned to be competitive and to achieve, pero ayokong ulitin yung ganong upbringing sa anak ko. mas gusto kong matutunan nya yung pagiging masipag, conscientious, at responsible about schoolwork. the results will only be the icing on the cake. ang importante, ginawa nya ang required na gawin, at hindi sya sumuko, tyinaga nya.
anyway, going back to Saturday. wala akong masyadong nagawa with regards to work. inuna ko pang gawin ang mga cookies ni babygirl for Teachers' Day
this was easier to do than build a story from the ground up.
Saturday evening, saw Captain America: Civil War for the first time (1 year delay! kaloka). Not bad, compared to that asinine B vs S movie that really annoyed me. Anything is better than that one.
Sunday.
Rushed something for work aside from the powerpoint that I was supposed to do. Spent all afternoon just finishing that.
Then the Powerpoint. Had to face the music. Kahit na hindi ko feel. Nagviber ang direktor namin with new inputs 24 hours earlier. Ngayong hinaharap ko na, ngayon kolang narealize hindi ganoon kadaling ayusin yung meron kami so far, to fit his inputs.
so all evening i spent just... mulling over it. I HATE concept development. I hate it :-(
Finally, MONDAY.
woke up Monday nang wala pang masyadong nagagawa for that powerpoint. was expecting to do work for the new show Monday til Thursday, on top of that powerpoint. Kaya medyo masama ang timpla ko this morning.
may meeting ng 6pm. being the only writer in the group, I knew I was expected na magpresent ng kwentong nabuo ko na from everyone's input. well guess what-- alas-12 na ng tanghali, lutang pa rin ako. hindi ko mahawakan ang isang ito. ilang taon na rin naman akong dumadaan sa pitching season. pero EWAN. today i was just out of it.
needed coffee and yowsi, ASAP.
but first, a visit to the Dentist.
i have periodontitis. A really bad gum disease. I have had one tooth extracted because of it. This week, I will have another molar pulled out of me. Permanently. so I've been having my teeth cleaned religiously to treat the periodontitis. and my dentist has advised me to stop smoking for good, or else all my teeth would fall off. :-(
hard decision to make. so I'm setting a deadline for my smoking habit. i don't know if I will be able to stick to that. but I have to. kasi ang hirap kumain nang walang ngipin! at mahilig pa naman akong kumain!
60 kilos. the weighing scale said last week. malamang ganyan pa din akoo ngayon, give or take. during my OWTWOWL days I had gone up to 63, maybe more. grabe. donya jubis days. ngayon medyo donyita jubis na lang. sana mawala na ang donyita next month. tapos next next month, yung jubis mawala na din.
wishful thinking. i love food too damn much. :-(
so after the dentist appointment i spent all afternoon at Starbucks, just wringing my brain. forcing myself to construct this story. golgotha. ang hirap. :-( sayang din ang ginastos ko sa Starbucks kung wala akong magagawa (MORTAL NA KASALANAN, ayon sa asawa ko).
pero at 5pm, salamat naman. yung mga inubo ng utak kong nangangalawang these past three days, nagamit ko naman para sa powerpoint presentation na ipepresent ko sa groupmates ko. half-baked, hilaw yes. pero at least...buo. sa mata ng groupmates ko, at least.
wednesday ang next meeting. thursday ang pitching, SANA SANA yung CM ko na lang ang magpitch! marami pang bubunuin between tonight and those days. pero for TONIGHT, night-off muna! kumain ako ng paborito kong lembest sisig at kanin (kahit gabi na--bakit ba!).
at maya-maya nandito na si hubby. tinirahan ko sya ng sisig.
tulog na si babygirl. bukas ng umaga na lang kami magkikitta.
for now, ipapainit ko muna ang sisig.
i love this life! kapag walang deadlines at stressful thingies!
thank you Lord!
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Dear P
Ang guwapo mo! Sobra!
Everything about the way you look is just perfect to me. The shape of your head, the shape of your face, your haircut, your clean-cut look, the symmetry of your features, your flawless skin, your beautiful eyes, your height and build..and I can go on and on.
There, I just need to let it out.
Well...as if I have been keeping my fangirl-ing a secret-- ang totoo, nakukulili na ang mga katrabaho ko sa akin. Paulit-ulit lang naman ang monologue ko--- "Ang guwapo ni P!". Actually, hindi ko napapansin. Until our director mentioned it tonight. Hahaha. Malala na ito. Dapat na ba akong mahiya? Para akong 16! Kasi ang guwapo mo! I have this character in my head. Pwede bang mahiram ang itsura mo para sa kanya?
Ang weird. Para akong sinaniban ng kung ano. Wala pa namang dapat ikatakot ang hubby ko. Sounding board ko pa nga sya (same dialogue-- "ang guwapo ni P". Hah. Profound, 'teh!). Interesting, cause exactly one year ago sounding board ko din si hubby while I was fangirl-ing over another guy. Same lines, same feelings, different person. Different character, different show.
Ganun yata talaga. Kelangan sa trabaho? Kelangan ng muse? Kapag romance ang sinusulat, kung sinuman ang bida, crush ko siya. May tawag ba sa ganitong syndrome? Whatever. Basta natutuwa ako pag nakikita kita. Kung naglilihi man ako, SANA lumabas na maging kamukha mo ang anak namin, kung boy siya!
Waah. I'm just... happy. Your face makes me happy, the way Keanu's face did, 20 years ago. Ang lakas makagood vibes ng pagiging fangirl. A natural upper.
syempre, ganito lang ako kapag kami-kami lang. pero kapag kaharap ka na...hindi ko yata kaya. at hindi yata dapat. at kahit naman pwede, hindi ko rin gugustuhin. kahit nung single pa ako, never kong pinahalata sa kahit sino na crush ko sila, kahit gaano man kababaw. Core na yun ng pagkatao ko, hehe.
okay na ako na tingnan ka. ayoko nga yatang kilalanin ka. baka madisappoint lang ako, masira ang buong ilusyon. just maintain your beauty. I'll fill in the gaps.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
26 years old, NBSB, with all the time in the world
A blog posted by my 26-year-old self. I sounded like I was going through a somekinduva heartbreaking episode.
today i finish all the pending tasks. fold up everything from the last project. sleep this off or watch a good movie, eat something sweet or mag-"emote" sa isang sulok, cry it out if needed. haha. overdramatic. but i only have until today to get this outta my system. not healthy, to go through another beginning with baggage from the immediate past.
should i take that nap before i go out? catch the last days of narnia, or king kong? chocolate with peanuts, almonds, or some other nut? maybe i don't really need a crying session with myself. been through worse before, really. this is a pinch, compared to everything else from the past combined.
In fairness, ang daming time ha? Haha. Those were the days when my time was all mine to spend. Single 26-year-old me. Wala pa ngang boyfriend (I met my first boyfriend and future husband, 2 months later!) .
Today, how would I deal with depression? Can't afford to do a lot of these things. Because at 3pm may daughter comes home from school, and we have to do homework or review for a test. I have me-time til around 7pm, if I don't have deadlines to meet. 8pm -10pm is Mama and baby time, and it's non-negotiable (or else you'll have a 6-year-old bawling, demanding time that's "due" her!). then at 1 am husband comes home, and unless there's work to do and I have to stay up, I'm compelled to go to bed at the same time as he does. Sleeping together (literally), has become a happy habit for us two, most of the time.
So yes, my time is no longer absolutely mine. But I'd like to think I'm happier. 1 million times happier than 10 years ago. Amused ako, realizing how the years have changed me. how, when placed in a similar situation, a 26-year-old NBSB girl would react differently from a 36-year-old married woman.
ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko, sa totoo lang. just came from a work marathon and slept at 10 am. and there's still a lot of work to do. pero wala, namiss ko lang kausapin ang sarili ko. Aside from hanging out with friends, it's blogging and chronicling that I've done a lot less of these past 5 years.
so ganito na lang. i will list down the keywords. Then get back to them later.
- Dear P
- Dear Oso
- my newest favorite TV show
- alternate realities
for now, have to review my little girl for 2 long tests tomorrow.
today i finish all the pending tasks. fold up everything from the last project. sleep this off or watch a good movie, eat something sweet or mag-"emote" sa isang sulok, cry it out if needed. haha. overdramatic. but i only have until today to get this outta my system. not healthy, to go through another beginning with baggage from the immediate past.
should i take that nap before i go out? catch the last days of narnia, or king kong? chocolate with peanuts, almonds, or some other nut? maybe i don't really need a crying session with myself. been through worse before, really. this is a pinch, compared to everything else from the past combined.
In fairness, ang daming time ha? Haha. Those were the days when my time was all mine to spend. Single 26-year-old me. Wala pa ngang boyfriend (I met my first boyfriend and future husband, 2 months later!) .
Today, how would I deal with depression? Can't afford to do a lot of these things. Because at 3pm may daughter comes home from school, and we have to do homework or review for a test. I have me-time til around 7pm, if I don't have deadlines to meet. 8pm -10pm is Mama and baby time, and it's non-negotiable (or else you'll have a 6-year-old bawling, demanding time that's "due" her!). then at 1 am husband comes home, and unless there's work to do and I have to stay up, I'm compelled to go to bed at the same time as he does. Sleeping together (literally), has become a happy habit for us two, most of the time.
So yes, my time is no longer absolutely mine. But I'd like to think I'm happier. 1 million times happier than 10 years ago. Amused ako, realizing how the years have changed me. how, when placed in a similar situation, a 26-year-old NBSB girl would react differently from a 36-year-old married woman.
ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko, sa totoo lang. just came from a work marathon and slept at 10 am. and there's still a lot of work to do. pero wala, namiss ko lang kausapin ang sarili ko. Aside from hanging out with friends, it's blogging and chronicling that I've done a lot less of these past 5 years.
so ganito na lang. i will list down the keywords. Then get back to them later.
- Dear P
- Dear Oso
- my newest favorite TV show
- alternate realities
for now, have to review my little girl for 2 long tests tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
officially obsessed with that other life
tell me. may kulang ba sa buhay ko at nagkakaganito ako?
kulang sa fairy tales, siguro. kulang sa thrill, maybe. pero definitely, hindi kulang sa pagmamahal. the grounded, real kind.
nagpaalam naman ako. at alam nya.
ang sabi ko sa kanya, "may alternate world ako. kaya kapag nakita mo akong nakatulala, alam mo nang nasa kabilang mundo ako."
tinawanan lang nya. hindi nya sineryoso. may imaginary friend din daw ba ako na umiiyak ng kendi.
eh kung alam nya lang.
i've done this before, at 12 years old. spent my days and nights, dreaming my life away.
it fuelled my passion, to write them all down. using an old typewriter. days and nights, clacking away. pasko, bagong taon, wala akong pinipili. i wanted to get it out of me, wanted to make that world real. it was more real to me than my actual world.
nasaan na kaya ang mga sinulat kong yon?
feverish. obsessed. that face has become the most beautiful face i've ever seen in that other life.
Tuesday, September 06, 2016
love and hate, and those feelings in between
nanganay ako sa week 3. and to think 2 days lang ang dapat kong isulat.
in my worst moments, i dream of donuts. not the donuts i will eat. but the donuts i will create.
in my worst moments, napapasabi ako ng ayoko na. pero wala akong karapatang umayaw. dahil marami akong obligations.
kaya in my worst moments, i dream of alternatives. fallbacks. i dream of being an entrepreneur.
pagod na akong maging indentured slave. pagod na ako sa paulit-ulit. pagod na ako sa dreary moments.
so yes it's confirmed. in my worst moments, facing the blank screen, being frozen with fear, a deadline looming ahead, I tend to hate the job.
but in my best moments, when the mood sets in, when i read things that work that came from me, when i watch something good that i helped make, i love the job. kaya okay na rin.
for now, though. i hate it. i dream of alternate lives. the lives i wish i could live. dreams i could have pursued.
22+ sequences. at wala akong gana. i was worse two days ago. bilanggo ng deadline. at walang gana. walang amor. crippled by fear.
tapusin na 'tong script na ito. para makalaya na ako. para mabisita ko na ang bago kong kitten sa marikina. para ma-assemble na namin ng anak ko ang bago nyang laruan. para magawa ko na ang bagong cookie order na end of septmber ang deadline. para masampolan ko na ang donut na magpapayaman sa amin.
i have low expectations of this project, but i hope i'm wrong. gusto ko lang sumweldo, kumita, kiumubra ng malaki every payday. gusto ko lang mabayaran ang investment kong lupa and i have 4 years to go. week 3, maybe 8 scripts to go, at may kahati pa ako. okay lang. basta tapusin na natin 'to. hindi pa man, excited na akong mag-move on. either sa next project, o sa negosyong magsesave sa amin sa pagiging alipin ng korporasyon.
on that note, let me just say-- walang umaapi sa akin. napakabait ng korporasyon, at ang mga boss ko na alipin din naman nila. lahat kami, alipin. a strong word to use, but in essence, yun na rin. kung anong kailangang gawin, sundin.
a lonely job, this writing gig. 7 years and counting, give our take a year writing for a reality show before i got "married" to drama. perp pag bumabalik ako sa set, naninibago ako. maarte na pala ako. ayoko sa mainit, sa masikip, sa hindi komportableng lokasyon. maybe passion will be enough para suuingin mong lahat yon. kanya-kanyang hirap lang yan girl, so be fucking grateful bitch.
everything takes work. lahat ng trabaho, mahirap. kaya nga trabaho di ba.
WERK WERK WERK IT YOU WHINING BEEYATCH!
in my worst moments, i dream of donuts. not the donuts i will eat. but the donuts i will create.
in my worst moments, napapasabi ako ng ayoko na. pero wala akong karapatang umayaw. dahil marami akong obligations.
kaya in my worst moments, i dream of alternatives. fallbacks. i dream of being an entrepreneur.
pagod na akong maging indentured slave. pagod na ako sa paulit-ulit. pagod na ako sa dreary moments.
so yes it's confirmed. in my worst moments, facing the blank screen, being frozen with fear, a deadline looming ahead, I tend to hate the job.
but in my best moments, when the mood sets in, when i read things that work that came from me, when i watch something good that i helped make, i love the job. kaya okay na rin.
for now, though. i hate it. i dream of alternate lives. the lives i wish i could live. dreams i could have pursued.
22+ sequences. at wala akong gana. i was worse two days ago. bilanggo ng deadline. at walang gana. walang amor. crippled by fear.
tapusin na 'tong script na ito. para makalaya na ako. para mabisita ko na ang bago kong kitten sa marikina. para ma-assemble na namin ng anak ko ang bago nyang laruan. para magawa ko na ang bagong cookie order na end of septmber ang deadline. para masampolan ko na ang donut na magpapayaman sa amin.
i have low expectations of this project, but i hope i'm wrong. gusto ko lang sumweldo, kumita, kiumubra ng malaki every payday. gusto ko lang mabayaran ang investment kong lupa and i have 4 years to go. week 3, maybe 8 scripts to go, at may kahati pa ako. okay lang. basta tapusin na natin 'to. hindi pa man, excited na akong mag-move on. either sa next project, o sa negosyong magsesave sa amin sa pagiging alipin ng korporasyon.
on that note, let me just say-- walang umaapi sa akin. napakabait ng korporasyon, at ang mga boss ko na alipin din naman nila. lahat kami, alipin. a strong word to use, but in essence, yun na rin. kung anong kailangang gawin, sundin.
a lonely job, this writing gig. 7 years and counting, give our take a year writing for a reality show before i got "married" to drama. perp pag bumabalik ako sa set, naninibago ako. maarte na pala ako. ayoko sa mainit, sa masikip, sa hindi komportableng lokasyon. maybe passion will be enough para suuingin mong lahat yon. kanya-kanyang hirap lang yan girl, so be fucking grateful bitch.
everything takes work. lahat ng trabaho, mahirap. kaya nga trabaho di ba.
WERK WERK WERK IT YOU WHINING BEEYATCH!
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
lunatic nights like these
just submitted work 24 hours late, so forgive me. so many things i want to do all at the same time, diet has been OUT the window for the past 7 days. i just feel trashy. physically. so i just want to dump a little here, pasintabi pow.
naiinggit ako. sa mga nag-aabroad for work. kasi, libre silang nakakapunta sa ibang bansa. oo, work pa rin, sabi ni osobear. pero still, libre!
kelan kaya ako ipapadala sa ibang bansa for work? oo na, writer po ako. hindi kailangan ng writer kapag nagshushoot out there. syempre, mauuna ang headwriter o creative manager sa slot na yun. hindi pinapadala ang mga graphic artist/draftsmen sa site, mga arkitekto/engineers pwede pa.
greece. japan. the mediterranean. the U-frickin-S. yung isang bossing up namin, nakailang bansa na this year pa lang. do i have to become a big boss para lang makalibre ng travel abroad because of work? kelangan bang maging direktor para lang makaburaot ng libreng trip abroad?? (at mind you, 1st unit! ang mga 2nd, waley, nganga dito sa pinas, nanghuhuli ng tutubi habang nagshushoot ang mga 1st unit out there in the world)
naiinggit ako oo. pero hindi yung bad na inggit (yung tipong--- sana hindi na kayo mapadala for abroad ever! or something ill-wishing like that). yung inggit na, "sana ako din". dahil wala na yata akong narating beyond the four corners of this phosphorus screen. hanggang pangarap at imagination na lang.
itchyfeet. lagi lagi. FB, IG. they're bad for the inggiterang frog like yours truly. lakas makaitchyfeet ng mga scenic shots. lalo na kung libre pamasahe. huwaw. yun ang trip na trip ko. ang makalibre.
pero kapag yung tipo ng vacation trips na ikaw lahat magbabayad, parang...meh. di ako naiinggit much. kasi magastos. kami pa naman kapag umalis, hindi pwedeng solo trip lang (PERO gusto kong itry ito. GUSTO KO TALAGA! yung mag-isa lang! at gumasta nang di ko iniisip ang gastos, dahil SOLO lang akech! HAHA). laging TIMES 3, TIMES 4, TIMES 5. hindi ko naman maasahang gumastos ang osobear dahil sya na sa mga basic necessities (me, wants. him, needs) so YEAH... kaya siguro laway na laway ako sa mga out of the country company-sponsored trips na HINDI naman ako sinasama. HUHU. in fair, wala naman yatang writer na sinasama sa mga ganun.
* * *
japan. ramen. okonomiyaki. the city at night. the cherry blossoms. mt. fuji.
greece. kahit saaan don. basta may dagat.
france.
the US.
prague.
spain.
HK. again. and again. and again.
hell, kahit vietnam papatusin ko. (kaya inggit ako kay hubby! libre sya na may per diem pa!)
at marami pa akong pwedeng idagdag. kahit saan nyo ako ipadala, basta libre! okay lang sa aking gumising ng maaga at magtrabaho sa production (dati ko namang ginagawa at namiss ko din), basta libreng experience of a new place out there. libreng memories to look back on when I'm old and gray.
hay. investment. ipon ipon, tipid tipid. all i think about everyday, besides my babygirl and work, is money. obsessed with making money. obsessed with being wealthy. being free to do whatever i want, maintain the same lifestyle (even more) without having to work. millionaire fastlane. it keeps me up at night sometimes. i wonder what that business is, that business that will make all my financial dreams come true. Lord, please, show me.
dahil nakakapagod magsulat bilang trabaho. well lahat naman talaga nakakapagod kapag naging trabaho. kahit wala ka sa mood, kailangan gawin mo. everything takes work. kaya swerte na rin talaga ako, dahil yung dati ay pastime ko lang, na love ko naman talagang gawin kapag paminsan-minsan, naging trabaho ko.
yun nga lang, hindi ako pinapadala sa ibang bansa ng kumpanya ko.
taena, eh yung LD nga na kaklase ko nung highschool! pinadala sa LA! huhuhu! inggit much!
bakit ba ko ganito??
kasi dati, nung nasa prod ako, kung saan saan ako timitilapon. yung mga times na pinapadala ako out of the country for work, naenjoy ko talaga. kaya ayan, throwing that WISH out there, tossing it out to the universe. I WISH I GET SHIPPED OVERSEAS FOR WORK. Wag lang sa middle east. Dubai, okay pa po Lord. At sana po wag sobrang tagal. Parang pagsusulat lang din yan, masarap kapag paminsan minsan o maiklian. Pero kapag nakababad ka na, gusto mo nang umuwi,
sabi ng universe ano ba tong taong to? Nagwiwish na nga lang, ang dami pang demands!
Basta po yun ang wish ko. sana po, kahit writer lang ako, mapadala din ako abroad all expenses paid. kahit 1 week lang hehe :-)
adik mode? wala ang saya ko lang. kasi tapos na ako sa weekly show script. kaya mahaharap ko na ang treatment for week 3 ng serye. na medyo daunting task for me. kaya magkecandy crush muna ako ngayon (DESERVE KO TO after that weekly show script!) at pepetiks. tapos aattend ng 11am meeting bukas, at manonood ng c1nemal@ya films all day tomorrow.
haist. c1nem@laya. there was a time, it was my beacon of hope.
i have a secret. nagsubmit ako ng storyline once. the first, and so far the last. that was 2004. hindi nakapasa e. nahurt ako much, kaya hindi na ako umulit. ang dami kong excuses every single year. daming work, busy sa life, di inspired, etc. ewan.
kaya i believe that when it comes to success in life, there are two kinds of people. those who DO and those who DON'T. unfortunately (or not?), i belonged to the latter category. i had a dream once, but then i did not do anything about it. the farthest i got was to apply for a film outfit Scholarship, which sealed the end of that childhood dream.
so, ngayon, and mga aspirants, wala nang excuse to not DO. you can shoot an entire movie using only your cellphone. ang dami nang avenues para ipakita mo ang galing mo (kung meron man). hindi katulad nung panahon namin, na wala pang masyadong digital chever. film talaga, at monopolyo ng mga film outfits. you don't get to be a "legit" director until you're past 30.
ngayon, at 10 you can. wow, the internet. wow, digital revolution. you have made the world such a better, better, better place. you've leveled the playing field in so many ways.
so there, i feel like... drinking beer. why not! got an 11 am meeting tomorrow, got to fall asleep!
bye for now!
Friday, July 01, 2016
sad
blame it on the hormones, on the appetite suppressant i've been taking. and a few unpleasant details that cloud over my sunny skies. yet, despite all that, there's more to thank God for than be sad about.
husband is flying to vietnam for a 2-week work stint for Da Haus. sad wifey me, because I've never been that away from him for that long, not since the day we were married. I think.
i've gotten so used to coming home to a house filled with all his noise and mess (TV on in the sala, him sprawled on the sofa tapping away on his laptop). but i know, i'll get used to it. before i know it, he'll be back home.
it's so damn hard to lose frickin weight. because of the last project, i had let myself completely go. :-( and my body showed the damage, from late nights munching away at anything and everything to cope with the sleepiness and the pressure, from sedentary working hours, from lack of sleep and too much sugar in the bloodstream for many months. i really thank God for owtwowl, but I really hope that when the daily deadlines start again, I wouldn't damage my figure as horribly as I had done during owtwowl.
so now, while it's downtime, i'm trying to get myself back in shape. keyword- trying. three weeks ago scale said i was 60 kgs. today, i'm 58. 5 measly frickin pounds in three weeks. and it still doesn't frickin show.
so yes, i'm sad. but it's the appetite suppressant, i know. and the hormones. if i could only get back to my 48 kilogram self then maybe, i'd be 20 pounds happier
husband is flying to vietnam for a 2-week work stint for Da Haus. sad wifey me, because I've never been that away from him for that long, not since the day we were married. I think.
i've gotten so used to coming home to a house filled with all his noise and mess (TV on in the sala, him sprawled on the sofa tapping away on his laptop). but i know, i'll get used to it. before i know it, he'll be back home.
it's so damn hard to lose frickin weight. because of the last project, i had let myself completely go. :-( and my body showed the damage, from late nights munching away at anything and everything to cope with the sleepiness and the pressure, from sedentary working hours, from lack of sleep and too much sugar in the bloodstream for many months. i really thank God for owtwowl, but I really hope that when the daily deadlines start again, I wouldn't damage my figure as horribly as I had done during owtwowl.
so now, while it's downtime, i'm trying to get myself back in shape. keyword- trying. three weeks ago scale said i was 60 kgs. today, i'm 58. 5 measly frickin pounds in three weeks. and it still doesn't frickin show.
so yes, i'm sad. but it's the appetite suppressant, i know. and the hormones. if i could only get back to my 48 kilogram self then maybe, i'd be 20 pounds happier
Sunday, May 08, 2016
starfish, sandbars, and sea snakes
FOUND THIS IN MY "DRAFTS" BIN-- haven't gotten around to finishing and publishing, so here it is!
gad, so many things to write about!
sorry dahil naaalala ko lang magsulat dito kapag may deadline ako, blogging is one of my fave procrasstinasty-ing ways.
so after that finale script, scripting for the show officially ended february 12. after that, i planned an impromptu weekend family getaway to this place:
Stilts, Calatagan in Batangas. A really charming, beautiful place. If you crave for nature, peace and quiet, somewhere you can reflect and just...stay still for a while-- this is just the place for you.
so tempted to rent those cottage on stilts (the smallest of which costs P8,000+ a night), pero tadhana na ang nagdesisyon for me--- wala nang bakante.
i wanted to celebrate the finished job with my family, and celebrate we did by the beach! sa mga bata pa lang, sulit na sulit na. it was our pamangkins' first time to go to the beach and they thoroughly enjoyed... the pool.
i don't know what it is with kids and pools. nung bata kasi ako, between the pool and the beach, i'd take the beach any damn old time! seashells, shovels and pails, waves pulling back the sand from my feet, the soft dry sand, the clouds, the blue horizon--those are my fondest early memories of the beach. and i had wanted our babygirl to have those happy memories, too.
uh, she wasn't too happy there, scared of "eels" that might be lurking in the seaweeds abundantly scattered around us. she also doesn't like the sand clinging onto her. oh well. at least she liked the pool.
it's a really beautiful resort. service is also excellent! the beach, though, is not ideal for swimming, because of the seaweeds (masakit sila sa paa, actually), and the fact that the tide can get very low all afternoon. for waders, this is really cool. but swimmers will only be able to "swim" when the tide gets high near sunset.
but here's the catch.at sunset, it's also"exploring" time for certain sea creatures. that afternoon, i had a near-brushin with a sea snake! i was floating face-up in the deeper waters when my companions told me there was an elongated black-and-white creature inches away from me. hindi ko na tiningnan yung "creature"- i bolted. instantly! no looking back. just ran!
i told the front desk about it, they said sea snakes were part of the natural topography of the place (sea snakes live in coral reefs--i think stilts very near or probably constructed right where calatagan reef is).
lesson learned- do NOT swim in the sea near sunset, unless you're fine with the possibility of swimming with snakes. however, should you encounter one, don't panic, just leave them alone and let them swim along. sea snakes don't bother you unless you bother them first.
I remember this moment at sunset. Daughter was asking father, bakit lumulubog ang araw? or some nature question like that. then, just a few feet away from them, something leapt from the water and dove back in again. coming from the snake scare, they instinctively ran to shore! later na lang namin narealize kung ano yon-- isda! natuwa naman ako! dito lang ako nakakita ng isdang lumalangoy kasama ng tao. cosmopolitan girl that i am. charot!
we spent the night by the sea-- a first time for me in many many years! ours was a beachfront cottage. that night the moon was full and bright (thank you lord, for this beautiful sight). my husband and i sat outside the cottage til dawn, talking, just breathing everything in. the wind, the sound of crashing waves, the lights from ships and bancas passing by, the moon and the stars. 10 years ago this would've taken my breath away, but now it's just something really special. that steady, quiet kind of love. you know you really love someone when both of you have gone past the can't-take-your-hands-off-each-other stage and you still want to be together, still enjoy being with each other.
as dawn came closer, the tide got lower, and for the first time, we witnessed a "moonset"-- (lumulubog din pala ang buwan?) and in those parts, ang bilis pala ng paglubog nya-- as the sun rose on the other side, the moon went down twice as fast.
early morning, we took a stroll around the resort.
the shore was teeming with living creatures-- mollusks of different kinds, still inside their shells, starfish (grabe may isang sobrang laki!)
i really wish we could have stayed longer. i would've wanted to spend a weekend in one of those stilt houses. waking up to the sight of the sea, right in front of you.
Sea Snake notwithstanding, I would really want to go back to this place. God-willing, soon. <3
gad, so many things to write about!
sorry dahil naaalala ko lang magsulat dito kapag may deadline ako, blogging is one of my fave procrasstinasty-ing ways.
so after that finale script, scripting for the show officially ended february 12. after that, i planned an impromptu weekend family getaway to this place:
Stilts, Calatagan in Batangas. A really charming, beautiful place. If you crave for nature, peace and quiet, somewhere you can reflect and just...stay still for a while-- this is just the place for you.
so tempted to rent those cottage on stilts (the smallest of which costs P8,000+ a night), pero tadhana na ang nagdesisyon for me--- wala nang bakante.
i wanted to celebrate the finished job with my family, and celebrate we did by the beach! sa mga bata pa lang, sulit na sulit na. it was our pamangkins' first time to go to the beach and they thoroughly enjoyed... the pool.
 |
| we went all the way to batangas for a swimming pool. seriously, kids? |
 |
uh, she wasn't too happy there, scared of "eels" that might be lurking in the seaweeds abundantly scattered around us. she also doesn't like the sand clinging onto her. oh well. at least she liked the pool.
it's a really beautiful resort. service is also excellent! the beach, though, is not ideal for swimming, because of the seaweeds (masakit sila sa paa, actually), and the fact that the tide can get very low all afternoon. for waders, this is really cool. but swimmers will only be able to "swim" when the tide gets high near sunset.
but here's the catch.at sunset, it's also"exploring" time for certain sea creatures. that afternoon, i had a near-brushin with a sea snake! i was floating face-up in the deeper waters when my companions told me there was an elongated black-and-white creature inches away from me. hindi ko na tiningnan yung "creature"- i bolted. instantly! no looking back. just ran!
i told the front desk about it, they said sea snakes were part of the natural topography of the place (sea snakes live in coral reefs--i think stilts very near or probably constructed right where calatagan reef is).
lesson learned- do NOT swim in the sea near sunset, unless you're fine with the possibility of swimming with snakes. however, should you encounter one, don't panic, just leave them alone and let them swim along. sea snakes don't bother you unless you bother them first.
 |
| Yes, Stilts is where little fish swim around your feet and starfish lie around the shore |
I remember this moment at sunset. Daughter was asking father, bakit lumulubog ang araw? or some nature question like that. then, just a few feet away from them, something leapt from the water and dove back in again. coming from the snake scare, they instinctively ran to shore! later na lang namin narealize kung ano yon-- isda! natuwa naman ako! dito lang ako nakakita ng isdang lumalangoy kasama ng tao. cosmopolitan girl that i am. charot!
we spent the night by the sea-- a first time for me in many many years! ours was a beachfront cottage. that night the moon was full and bright (thank you lord, for this beautiful sight). my husband and i sat outside the cottage til dawn, talking, just breathing everything in. the wind, the sound of crashing waves, the lights from ships and bancas passing by, the moon and the stars. 10 years ago this would've taken my breath away, but now it's just something really special. that steady, quiet kind of love. you know you really love someone when both of you have gone past the can't-take-your-hands-off-each-other stage and you still want to be together, still enjoy being with each other.
as dawn came closer, the tide got lower, and for the first time, we witnessed a "moonset"-- (lumulubog din pala ang buwan?) and in those parts, ang bilis pala ng paglubog nya-- as the sun rose on the other side, the moon went down twice as fast.
early morning, we took a stroll around the resort.
 |
| Super low tide in the early morning hours. The shore became a vast, vast sandbar. There was this dog running towards the edge of the water. stopped there, and just barked. kept barking for a about a minute, just barking at the sea! naisip tuloy namin-- nalunod kaya yung amo nya sa dagat? ritwal kaya nya ito araw-araw? |
the shore was teeming with living creatures-- mollusks of different kinds, still inside their shells, starfish (grabe may isang sobrang laki!)
 |
| this starfish was probably as big as my hand. sobrang laki! |
 |
| my thoughts exactly. sigh. |
i really wish we could have stayed longer. i would've wanted to spend a weekend in one of those stilt houses. waking up to the sight of the sea, right in front of you.
Sea Snake notwithstanding, I would really want to go back to this place. God-willing, soon. <3
Thursday, May 05, 2016
finally...
..a love story of your own, Simon. Though hindi ikaw si Simon, kamukha mo pa rin si P@ul0 @vel1no. :-)
after owtwol, i shed off the Simonista in me and moved on with life. really easy to do. parang artista lang din ang writer, haha.
but now a new story has to be told, at ikaw na naman. it's a romance, at kailangan ko na namang irevive ang girlhood self ko at mahalin ka kung paano ka mamahalin ng babaeng mamahalin mo. really easy to do, also. sinisimulan ko na.
lord, sana po maikwento namin nang maganda ito. at sana magustuhan ng mga tao, with figures and noise to prove it.
after owtwol, i shed off the Simonista in me and moved on with life. really easy to do. parang artista lang din ang writer, haha.
but now a new story has to be told, at ikaw na naman. it's a romance, at kailangan ko na namang irevive ang girlhood self ko at mahalin ka kung paano ka mamahalin ng babaeng mamahalin mo. really easy to do, also. sinisimulan ko na.
lord, sana po maikwento namin nang maganda ito. at sana magustuhan ng mga tao, with figures and noise to prove it.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
how do you tell an ex that you want him back the "real" way?
by "real", meaning--
- not soapy or cringe-worthy
- not desperate
- subtle
i have no idea. haven't had sleep since last night, it's 1pm and it's 5 sequences to go before bye-bye owtwowl. (sayang, our cm wil be handling the finale. :-( konti na lang yun e. the most exciting part of the show... stolen thunder!)
yan ang setback ng 1 boyfriend lang ever. wala akong ex. di ko alam feeling ng breakup, o dealing with an ex. pero.. KERING KERI LANG, Lord. Wala po akong intensyong maranasan lahat yan. research na lang po sa ibang tao.
thank you Lord! konting konti na lang! goodbye and sepanx time!
kahit ang dami daming emotions ang naranasan ko dahil saa project na 'to.. mahal na mahal na mahal ko 'to. (pag di ka affected, hindi mo mahal)
- not soapy or cringe-worthy
- not desperate
- subtle
i have no idea. haven't had sleep since last night, it's 1pm and it's 5 sequences to go before bye-bye owtwowl. (sayang, our cm wil be handling the finale. :-( konti na lang yun e. the most exciting part of the show... stolen thunder!)
yan ang setback ng 1 boyfriend lang ever. wala akong ex. di ko alam feeling ng breakup, o dealing with an ex. pero.. KERING KERI LANG, Lord. Wala po akong intensyong maranasan lahat yan. research na lang po sa ibang tao.
thank you Lord! konting konti na lang! goodbye and sepanx time!
kahit ang dami daming emotions ang naranasan ko dahil saa project na 'to.. mahal na mahal na mahal ko 'to. (pag di ka affected, hindi mo mahal)
blowing off STEAM
pasalamat kayo at mandated kami na hindi pumatol, pero sa totoo lang kagabi pa ako pikon na pikon sa inyo.
no, scratch that. LAST YEAR pa.
okay lang magcomment kayo pero PLEASE, stop fucking TAGGING me. kung maka-demand kayo parang kayo ang producer at nagbabayad kayo ng subscription?? LIBRE po yan at wala naman kayong box na pinagbabasehan ng ratings kaya pwede? umayos ayos kayo dahil NAKIKINOOD lang kayo sa palabas namin!
wala akong pakialam sa hinahangaan nyo, sumusunod lang ako sa napag-usapan, kaya PWEDE?? BACK. FUCKING. OFF.
hindi kayo kasi makapaghintay. para kayong mga bipolar. kagabi halos murahin nyo pagkatao namin dahil feeling nyo nagmukhang masama si L. tapos ngayon tuwang tuwa naman kayo dahil "naredeem" sya. BAKIT HINDI KASI MAGHINTAY???
and you, whoever you fucking are, calling us out on "POOR WRITING" dahil nagmukhang unsympathetic yung idol nyo? wow, e di IKAW NA ang expert sa pagsusulat at panunuri kung ano ang excellent at poor writing! bago mo kami pintasan, siguraduhin mo na ALAM MO ANG PINAGSASABI mo. ilang taon ang binuno namin sa trabahong ito bago kami nakapagsulat dyan, and i'd like to think na kahit papano alam namin ang ginagawa namin.
bakit hindi yang idol nyo ang itag mo sa tweet mo for her POOR ACTING? dahil sa totoo lang, BANO sya. nagmamakaawa na ang jowa nya with tears pa, ang mukha nya, parang may binubugaw na langaw. the mere fact na you can't distinguish what is WRONG with the scene just goes to show na HINDIOM ALAM ANG SINASABIMO. Stupid with a capital S.
no, scratch that. LAST YEAR pa.
okay lang magcomment kayo pero PLEASE, stop fucking TAGGING me. kung maka-demand kayo parang kayo ang producer at nagbabayad kayo ng subscription?? LIBRE po yan at wala naman kayong box na pinagbabasehan ng ratings kaya pwede? umayos ayos kayo dahil NAKIKINOOD lang kayo sa palabas namin!
wala akong pakialam sa hinahangaan nyo, sumusunod lang ako sa napag-usapan, kaya PWEDE?? BACK. FUCKING. OFF.
hindi kayo kasi makapaghintay. para kayong mga bipolar. kagabi halos murahin nyo pagkatao namin dahil feeling nyo nagmukhang masama si L. tapos ngayon tuwang tuwa naman kayo dahil "naredeem" sya. BAKIT HINDI KASI MAGHINTAY???
and you, whoever you fucking are, calling us out on "POOR WRITING" dahil nagmukhang unsympathetic yung idol nyo? wow, e di IKAW NA ang expert sa pagsusulat at panunuri kung ano ang excellent at poor writing! bago mo kami pintasan, siguraduhin mo na ALAM MO ANG PINAGSASABI mo. ilang taon ang binuno namin sa trabahong ito bago kami nakapagsulat dyan, and i'd like to think na kahit papano alam namin ang ginagawa namin.
bakit hindi yang idol nyo ang itag mo sa tweet mo for her POOR ACTING? dahil sa totoo lang, BANO sya. nagmamakaawa na ang jowa nya with tears pa, ang mukha nya, parang may binubugaw na langaw. the mere fact na you can't distinguish what is WRONG with the scene just goes to show na HINDIOM ALAM ANG SINASABIMO. Stupid with a capital S.
Tuesday, February 09, 2016
ideal
may pattern talaga ako. at mahilig mag-ulit ng sarili.
like this entry from 2009, about michael corleone from The GodFather. palitan mo lang ang mga pangalan, it's like i'm talking about my most recent obsession:
i saw the godfather trilogy again, a week ago. na-realize ko na crush ko si al pacino as michael corleone. the michael corleone of godfather 1 and 2. not only because of the quiet dark sicilian looks. the total package. quiet, sure-footed, brilliant, confident, sophisticated. yung tipong pag binigay mo ang buhay mo sa kanya para alagaan, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. kayang kaya ka nyang buuin. o sirain.
i've always feared that kind of man, but strangely i've always found myself attracted to him as well. siguro, nung past life ko, na-in love ako sa ganong klaseng lalake.
al pacino the actor is ok. but michael corleone wins my heart. pero dahil i've come to associate michael with al pacino, intrigued na rin ako kay al pacino. lagi siyang associated din with two of my past crushes --- keanu and kevin, pero ngayon ko lang talaga siya tinitingnan in a new light. matagal ko na ring alam na magka-birthday kami--he turned 40 the day i was born--pero ngayon lang siya nagka-relevance. haha.
galing ni coppola. he creates those worlds so convincingly, i'm drawn to it. they're romanticized in my head. the godfather world, the dracula world, the apocalypse now world. galing galing.
like this entry from 2009, about michael corleone from The GodFather. palitan mo lang ang mga pangalan, it's like i'm talking about my most recent obsession:
i saw the godfather trilogy again, a week ago. na-realize ko na crush ko si al pacino as michael corleone. the michael corleone of godfather 1 and 2. not only because of the quiet dark sicilian looks. the total package. quiet, sure-footed, brilliant, confident, sophisticated. yung tipong pag binigay mo ang buhay mo sa kanya para alagaan, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. kayang kaya ka nyang buuin. o sirain.
i've always feared that kind of man, but strangely i've always found myself attracted to him as well. siguro, nung past life ko, na-in love ako sa ganong klaseng lalake.
al pacino the actor is ok. but michael corleone wins my heart. pero dahil i've come to associate michael with al pacino, intrigued na rin ako kay al pacino. lagi siyang associated din with two of my past crushes --- keanu and kevin, pero ngayon ko lang talaga siya tinitingnan in a new light. matagal ko na ring alam na magka-birthday kami--he turned 40 the day i was born--pero ngayon lang siya nagka-relevance. haha.
galing ni coppola. he creates those worlds so convincingly, i'm drawn to it. they're romanticized in my head. the godfather world, the dracula world, the apocalypse now world. galing galing.
the movie in my mind
...is where there is no C and there's only S and the girl, and i can pursue their love story to my heart's content.
in another place and time, another world (another show), you are my male lead, S, that exact same you with the glasses and the GQ clothes, and the overachiever background. you're the same confident, enigmatic in-command boss, and from the beginning til the end... you get the girl.
but in this universe that is owtwowl, naaawa din ako sa yo. because your love is unconditional and giving. at least, it would turn out to be. all they see now is you wanting to steal C's girl, but you're not a bad person. not a bad person at all. nagkataon lang na yung babaeng gusto mo, may asawa.
at least, you're not doing anything about it, not actively, at least (bukod sa one time na nag"bakod" moves ka, at nagpaparty ka para sa kanya, pero nothing clear-cut and explicit, in fairness to you).
i'm all for C and L getting together. of course i am, because theirs is the love story that all of us want to have. but you, S, you deserve a love story of your own. a girl of your own. not necessarily L, but someone deserving of you, you in all your perfection.
 |
| Sir. Wag ka namang ganyan tumingin. ;-P |
3 weeks to go before finale. i'm going to have to post some of my own Happy Memories from this project. sniff sniff.
P.S.
i'm so bad at deadlines. :-( i hope it doesn't jeopardize my career. lol
Thursday, February 04, 2016
final stretch
last 3 days of finale script to write. why does it take so DAMN long to finish? why? why?? and why do i feel like i'm mentally harassing myself nearly everytime?
nalulungkot ako, actually.
look at the bright side. last 3 script days na lang ng owtwowl. at bukod sa mga besos, pictures, pa-lastdays and thank you gifts (kung meron) from peeps from the show, mga important lessons for the next shows to come.
1) next time, kapag sinabi ng boss (as in, pinakaboss) na ganito, wag naman sumunod blind obedience. analyze mo muna, baka kasi may mga namiss out din sila sa dami ng iniisip at dami ng mga concerns na iba. isipin mong mabuti muna. kasi baka mamaya, wrong move pala.
2) emotions-wise, map it up.
3) like designing a house, set a provision for an extension. (good luck..dahil hindi lahat ng concepts ay pwedeng i-extend nang bongga)
4) as much as possible, DO NOT meet the main lead actors/actresses in person. or at least, not until the last 1/8 of the show. (SO, perfect timing ang pagkameet ko in person kay S/P. Love him)
5) daig ng mabilis ang maganda. PERO daig ng MABILIS AT MAGANDA ang mabilis.
one more thing to be thankful for: the next project. thank you lord, for a project with a story that excites me. if you're going to devote so many hours of every day for the next many months to a project, it'd better be something you believe in. and i believe in this! sana po lord, maging masaya ang 2016 ko dahil sa project namin na ito.
nalulungkot ako, actually.
look at the bright side. last 3 script days na lang ng owtwowl. at bukod sa mga besos, pictures, pa-lastdays and thank you gifts (kung meron) from peeps from the show, mga important lessons for the next shows to come.
1) next time, kapag sinabi ng boss (as in, pinakaboss) na ganito, wag naman sumunod blind obedience. analyze mo muna, baka kasi may mga namiss out din sila sa dami ng iniisip at dami ng mga concerns na iba. isipin mong mabuti muna. kasi baka mamaya, wrong move pala.
2) emotions-wise, map it up.
3) like designing a house, set a provision for an extension. (good luck..dahil hindi lahat ng concepts ay pwedeng i-extend nang bongga)
4) as much as possible, DO NOT meet the main lead actors/actresses in person. or at least, not until the last 1/8 of the show. (SO, perfect timing ang pagkameet ko in person kay S/P. Love him)
5) daig ng mabilis ang maganda. PERO daig ng MABILIS AT MAGANDA ang mabilis.
one more thing to be thankful for: the next project. thank you lord, for a project with a story that excites me. if you're going to devote so many hours of every day for the next many months to a project, it'd better be something you believe in. and i believe in this! sana po lord, maging masaya ang 2016 ko dahil sa project namin na ito.
Tuesday, February 02, 2016
spending time i haven't earned yet
boring ang buhay ng isang writer. all the action is happening inside the mind.
kaya eto ako. fangirling again. trying to create inspiration. feeding my dreams, for whatever they're worth.
dahil kay S, naging crush ko na rin tuloy si P who portrays him. (Teenager Mode: ON) at nasa getting-to-know-you stage ako ngayon. narealize ko, medyo artsy fartsy pala siya. 10 years ago, that would've been a plus pogi point for me. nakakasakay pa ako sa mga artsy fartsy types. pero ngayon may "duh" moment na ako--- like he's speaking another language, at may lag bago maabsorb ng utak ko.
must have been my husband's influence, na medyo allergic sa ganyang mga bagay. he's as "vernacular" as any ordinary average joe. he even scoffs at "artsy farsty" types sometimes. nahawa na ako sa kanya, kaya nung binabasa ko ang mga tweets ni P to fans about his favorite movies (Tangerine? what's that? CHAR), favorite songs (di ko na maalala, basta di ako makarelate), favorite animals (extinct daw ba, pwede? HA. PAWITTY KUYA?), favorite places to hang out ("somewhere quiet at the edge of the world", or something to that effect), napapa- "EH"? ako.
the first time he approached us, my boss introduced me. i shook his hand, met his eyes, and he asked me- "first time mong pumunta sa set? or sa set na nandito ako?" sinagot ko, di ko na maalala kung ano, and then there was this lull, and it was an awkward lull, i couldn't help looking away, kundi dahil siya si S sa utak ko, hindi ako maiilang.
okay pa sana yun, until nalaman nyang gusto kong magpapicture sa kanya. aha. fan-alert. kung imamapa ang character ng taong to based on his social media posts, he hates the showbiz side of his job. maybe even has disdain for fans who want to get pictures taken with him. but KEBS ko. gusto kong iimmortalize ang moment na 'to, nung nameet ko for the first time ang favorite character kong si S (na kamukha ni P).
and then the three of us, my boss and i and P sat down to smoke cigs. he was shown the teaser for the show's finale, hestarted talking about fish-eye lenses and stuff, that it would've been great if they used the fisheye for the first shot. ABA ABA, mukhang gustong magdirektor ni kuya someday. (pero napaisip ako dun- fisheye distorts things-- gusto mong gamitin sa mga mukha nyo for the teaser?).
pero fascinated ako, dahil hindi ko mafigure out if this guy is artsy fartsy real or he's just pretending, throwing in big words, wanting to be "iba", nagpapaka-deep, borne from a subconscious attempt maybe to set himself apart from the others. hindi naman siguro. but whatever you are, P. basta si S, kilalang-kilala ko. at least, yung side nya na gusto kong kilalanin. yung ideal side.
P.S.
What is love in one word? Ang sagot nya: "UNIVERSAL". Meh. Parang sagot ng isang hindi pa nainlove. there are a hundred emotional, personal, meaningful words you can use to describe love. and you use what?
What is love in many words? "The only feeling that lasts forever". Argh. Parang kinopya sa greeting card. Di pa nga yata nainlove si Kuya. Buti pa si C, "love is a step above friendship". at si L, "kahit walang kapalit, nagmamahal ka pa rin". At least, may personal stamp nila ang mga sagot nila.
Pero itong si P, sinoshowbiz ang mga sagot. either that, or pa-intellectual.
Dahil sa mga sagot nyang yan, parang mas malapit na kong maniwala na pa-intellectual lang itong taong 'to. Big words pa more, kuya. Tsktsk. Hindi ganyan si Sir S.
kaya eto ako. fangirling again. trying to create inspiration. feeding my dreams, for whatever they're worth.
dahil kay S, naging crush ko na rin tuloy si P who portrays him. (Teenager Mode: ON) at nasa getting-to-know-you stage ako ngayon. narealize ko, medyo artsy fartsy pala siya. 10 years ago, that would've been a plus pogi point for me. nakakasakay pa ako sa mga artsy fartsy types. pero ngayon may "duh" moment na ako--- like he's speaking another language, at may lag bago maabsorb ng utak ko.
must have been my husband's influence, na medyo allergic sa ganyang mga bagay. he's as "vernacular" as any ordinary average joe. he even scoffs at "artsy farsty" types sometimes. nahawa na ako sa kanya, kaya nung binabasa ko ang mga tweets ni P to fans about his favorite movies (Tangerine? what's that? CHAR), favorite songs (di ko na maalala, basta di ako makarelate), favorite animals (extinct daw ba, pwede? HA. PAWITTY KUYA?), favorite places to hang out ("somewhere quiet at the edge of the world", or something to that effect), napapa- "EH"? ako.
the first time he approached us, my boss introduced me. i shook his hand, met his eyes, and he asked me- "first time mong pumunta sa set? or sa set na nandito ako?" sinagot ko, di ko na maalala kung ano, and then there was this lull, and it was an awkward lull, i couldn't help looking away, kundi dahil siya si S sa utak ko, hindi ako maiilang.
okay pa sana yun, until nalaman nyang gusto kong magpapicture sa kanya. aha. fan-alert. kung imamapa ang character ng taong to based on his social media posts, he hates the showbiz side of his job. maybe even has disdain for fans who want to get pictures taken with him. but KEBS ko. gusto kong iimmortalize ang moment na 'to, nung nameet ko for the first time ang favorite character kong si S (na kamukha ni P).
and then the three of us, my boss and i and P sat down to smoke cigs. he was shown the teaser for the show's finale, hestarted talking about fish-eye lenses and stuff, that it would've been great if they used the fisheye for the first shot. ABA ABA, mukhang gustong magdirektor ni kuya someday. (pero napaisip ako dun- fisheye distorts things-- gusto mong gamitin sa mga mukha nyo for the teaser?).
pero fascinated ako, dahil hindi ko mafigure out if this guy is artsy fartsy real or he's just pretending, throwing in big words, wanting to be "iba", nagpapaka-deep, borne from a subconscious attempt maybe to set himself apart from the others. hindi naman siguro. but whatever you are, P. basta si S, kilalang-kilala ko. at least, yung side nya na gusto kong kilalanin. yung ideal side.
P.S.
What is love in one word? Ang sagot nya: "UNIVERSAL". Meh. Parang sagot ng isang hindi pa nainlove. there are a hundred emotional, personal, meaningful words you can use to describe love. and you use what?
What is love in many words? "The only feeling that lasts forever". Argh. Parang kinopya sa greeting card. Di pa nga yata nainlove si Kuya. Buti pa si C, "love is a step above friendship". at si L, "kahit walang kapalit, nagmamahal ka pa rin". At least, may personal stamp nila ang mga sagot nila.
Pero itong si P, sinoshowbiz ang mga sagot. either that, or pa-intellectual.
Dahil sa mga sagot nyang yan, parang mas malapit na kong maniwala na pa-intellectual lang itong taong 'to. Big words pa more, kuya. Tsktsk. Hindi ganyan si Sir S.
Monday, February 01, 2016
the beginning of the end...
...is the finale script. konting ire na lang. pero this one, gusto ko sanang mahalin kahit kaunti. isapuso habang sinusulat.
but, well, not a lot of time for that. because someone's leaving and we have to finish the finale asap. sige na, iraos na. pero susubukin pa ring ayusin.
kung kailan naman patapos na, saka naman ako nagkacrush nang totoo kay S with the looks of P. we dropped by the set the other night, and for the first time, i got to meet this mythical character in my mind. personified. hinihiram lang ang physical aspect ng artista, pero habang pinapanood ang eksena from a comfortable distance, seeing S being brought to life, it's surreal. like a literal dream come true.
S is the type of guy na, pag sinurrender mo sa kanya ang buhay mo, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. he's brilliant, successful, sure-footed, with cool, a quiet confidence that puts little man-boys to shame. mahirap syang basahin. he cannot be easily perturbed. if he needs to, he can take charge, without hesitation or uncertainty. but he will never impose himself on anybody. you will naturally gravitate to him. his confidence, his maturity, this strong sense of security that you feel when you're around him, that's part of his charisma.
and those eyes. oh my. dapat lahat ng romantic leading men may ganoong klaseng mga mata. yung may mas malakas na lengwahe kesa sa linyang sinasabi. yung kayang lumandi using his eyes alone. yung mga matang unfair, dahil they can see through you pero ikaw, you can't see through them.
so there he was, looking dapper in his black tie getup, the actor who plays him. yes, i know S is not P and i'm careful to make the distinction this time, but hell, it's a bonus that S has borrowed P's good looks. perfectly cast, this guy.
ang daming reklamo ng mga faney, pero wala na kong pake. kung ako lang talaga ang masusunod, magkakaroon ng sariling show si S at L. they have chemistry, at kung wala nga lang si C ang sarap ituloy tuloy ng love story nila
12:15am. natulog ako kaninang umaga ng 9am to finish liners. will be up all night clickclacking til the roosters crow. gusto ko na rin naman talagang matapos ito para dumalas-dalas ang pagdalaw namin sa set habang nandyan pa si S na kamukha ni P. heehee.
but, well, not a lot of time for that. because someone's leaving and we have to finish the finale asap. sige na, iraos na. pero susubukin pa ring ayusin.
kung kailan naman patapos na, saka naman ako nagkacrush nang totoo kay S with the looks of P. we dropped by the set the other night, and for the first time, i got to meet this mythical character in my mind. personified. hinihiram lang ang physical aspect ng artista, pero habang pinapanood ang eksena from a comfortable distance, seeing S being brought to life, it's surreal. like a literal dream come true.
S is the type of guy na, pag sinurrender mo sa kanya ang buhay mo, kayang kaya ka nyang dalhin. he's brilliant, successful, sure-footed, with cool, a quiet confidence that puts little man-boys to shame. mahirap syang basahin. he cannot be easily perturbed. if he needs to, he can take charge, without hesitation or uncertainty. but he will never impose himself on anybody. you will naturally gravitate to him. his confidence, his maturity, this strong sense of security that you feel when you're around him, that's part of his charisma.
and those eyes. oh my. dapat lahat ng romantic leading men may ganoong klaseng mga mata. yung may mas malakas na lengwahe kesa sa linyang sinasabi. yung kayang lumandi using his eyes alone. yung mga matang unfair, dahil they can see through you pero ikaw, you can't see through them.
so there he was, looking dapper in his black tie getup, the actor who plays him. yes, i know S is not P and i'm careful to make the distinction this time, but hell, it's a bonus that S has borrowed P's good looks. perfectly cast, this guy.
ang daming reklamo ng mga faney, pero wala na kong pake. kung ako lang talaga ang masusunod, magkakaroon ng sariling show si S at L. they have chemistry, at kung wala nga lang si C ang sarap ituloy tuloy ng love story nila
12:15am. natulog ako kaninang umaga ng 9am to finish liners. will be up all night clickclacking til the roosters crow. gusto ko na rin naman talagang matapos ito para dumalas-dalas ang pagdalaw namin sa set habang nandyan pa si S na kamukha ni P. heehee.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
dreaming of HK
sa gitna ng kalbaryo, lumilipad ang isip ko sa HK.
sobrang excited na akong magbakasyon dun. sobra, sobra.
tickets, check.
acccommodations, check.
application for vacation leave at work, check.
audrey's passport application- this saturday.
research and fine-tuning of itinerary- very soon.
malapit na, actually, two months to go.
but as always, a lot has to happen in the next two months, work-wise.
not complaining. thanking god. dahil sa trabaho, may pangHK ako.
excited na ako sa disneyland. sigurado, happy memory yun ni bagets.
excited na ako sa authentic chinese food! favorite namin yun ni hubby! lalo na si hubby, na pihikan sa pagkain. uuwi syang 5 pounds heavier! mwahaha
si mama.. i just wish she'd enjoy being in a foreign country for the second time in her lifetime. the first time, hindi daw sya masyadong nakagala. maybe she'd enjoy shopping, or the casino in macau. basta dapat gawin kong project ang masigurong mag-enjoy si mama. because this vacation came to be primarily because i wanted to go on a mom-anak bonding with my mom. it was actually supposed to be just her and me.
hay. sana lang balang araw makaexperience naman akong mag-check-in sa isang 5-star hotel and not worry about how expensive it is. i want to go on vacations around the world, and not be worried about the dent it might make on our savings.
sobrang excited na akong magbakasyon dun. sobra, sobra.
tickets, check.
acccommodations, check.
application for vacation leave at work, check.
audrey's passport application- this saturday.
research and fine-tuning of itinerary- very soon.
malapit na, actually, two months to go.
but as always, a lot has to happen in the next two months, work-wise.
not complaining. thanking god. dahil sa trabaho, may pangHK ako.
excited na ako sa disneyland. sigurado, happy memory yun ni bagets.
excited na ako sa authentic chinese food! favorite namin yun ni hubby! lalo na si hubby, na pihikan sa pagkain. uuwi syang 5 pounds heavier! mwahaha
si mama.. i just wish she'd enjoy being in a foreign country for the second time in her lifetime. the first time, hindi daw sya masyadong nakagala. maybe she'd enjoy shopping, or the casino in macau. basta dapat gawin kong project ang masigurong mag-enjoy si mama. because this vacation came to be primarily because i wanted to go on a mom-anak bonding with my mom. it was actually supposed to be just her and me.
hay. sana lang balang araw makaexperience naman akong mag-check-in sa isang 5-star hotel and not worry about how expensive it is. i want to go on vacations around the world, and not be worried about the dent it might make on our savings.
don't look back
just keep going.
that's what i've been conditioning myself to do these past few months.
but i'm a look-back-and-reflect kind of person by nature. which sometimes--no, most of the time--slows me down. but, it also helps me see things from a different perspective.
sa ngayon, yun ang wala ako. yung luxury, to look back and look at the big picture. i just need to keep going. going, going until we reach the finish line. because i am tired, we all are, and personally, i just want to move on.
detachment helps me keep going.
it's been a wonderful ride. a magical first three months, actually. that alone makes this project very special to me. it's given me what it can give. how i wish i can give more to it, how i wish i can give it more of me. pero walang time. to look back, to ruminate, to wait for the story to unfold in the four corners of my little mind. now is no longer like before.
it's much easier to just settle for mediocrity and keep myself within the comfort zone. gusto ko pa ring makagawa ng magandang trabaho, pero kung pakiramdam ko ako lang ang may honest-to-goodness desire to still keep fighting (at least, within the group) at yung iba, sige na lang, iraos na lang.. nakakadampen ng spirits. nakakawala ng puso.
this is a job. pero sa bawat iluwal may kalakip yang puso. more often, than not. o kahit dun sa mga jinejebs mo na lang at feeling mo namind-rape ka.. mahirap pa rin. may maliit na parte pa rin ng puso mo ang nandoon. kahit gaano kaliit.
but then, there's no time to stop. much less look back. i will just haveto keep going. ang hirap talaga ng natataranta, di ka makaisip nang maayos. just taking a short breather to write this, para lang i-immortalize ang puntong ito ng buhay ko.
three scripts to the end. let's keep going.
that's what i've been conditioning myself to do these past few months.
but i'm a look-back-and-reflect kind of person by nature. which sometimes--no, most of the time--slows me down. but, it also helps me see things from a different perspective.
sa ngayon, yun ang wala ako. yung luxury, to look back and look at the big picture. i just need to keep going. going, going until we reach the finish line. because i am tired, we all are, and personally, i just want to move on.
detachment helps me keep going.
it's been a wonderful ride. a magical first three months, actually. that alone makes this project very special to me. it's given me what it can give. how i wish i can give more to it, how i wish i can give it more of me. pero walang time. to look back, to ruminate, to wait for the story to unfold in the four corners of my little mind. now is no longer like before.
it's much easier to just settle for mediocrity and keep myself within the comfort zone. gusto ko pa ring makagawa ng magandang trabaho, pero kung pakiramdam ko ako lang ang may honest-to-goodness desire to still keep fighting (at least, within the group) at yung iba, sige na lang, iraos na lang.. nakakadampen ng spirits. nakakawala ng puso.
this is a job. pero sa bawat iluwal may kalakip yang puso. more often, than not. o kahit dun sa mga jinejebs mo na lang at feeling mo namind-rape ka.. mahirap pa rin. may maliit na parte pa rin ng puso mo ang nandoon. kahit gaano kaliit.
but then, there's no time to stop. much less look back. i will just haveto keep going. ang hirap talaga ng natataranta, di ka makaisip nang maayos. just taking a short breather to write this, para lang i-immortalize ang puntong ito ng buhay ko.
three scripts to the end. let's keep going.
Monday, January 04, 2016
mind-rape
ganyan ang naramdaman ko habang tinatapos ang nakatokang script for week 18. utak na pilit na pinipiga kahit pagod at said na.
habang nagsusulat, bilang ako nang bilang. at 1 in the morning, 13 sequences pa. natapos ako, 8 in the morning. how could 13 frickin sequences take up my entire night?
bakit feeling ko lagi, bilanggo ako ng deadline? kapag may deadline, hindi ako makausap nang masaya ako. parang laging may nakadagan sa mga balikat ko. wala akong wisyo ng petsa, oras, o taon. kapag may deadline, lalong mas masarap matulog, gumawa ng kung anu-ano malibanna lang sa magsulat. spending time i hadn't earned yet. i do a lot of that, and this is the price. mind-raping myself because time was running out. feeling like a prisoner. loving my job a little lot less than i would on normal days.
week 18. last two weeks to go. yehey. i will miss you, you two lovebirds. pero sa bilis ng mga pangyayari at sa pagtira-tira ko na lang ng mga bagay, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga pinagsususulat ko from weeks 15-18. dati, kabisado ko kung anong nangyayari sa bawat linggo. ngayon... zzzzz. kiung ang mismong writer ng show ay tinatamad nang manood, matakot ka na. that means it's turned into a show that not even the writer could love.
but no, i love our show. it's the closest to my heart in recent years. it's just that... after 1 year working on this, pagod na ako... gusto kong magbakasyon, kahit sa ilang linggo lang na nakatihaya at nakatunganga lang ako.
gusto kong magbaguio actually. nang wlang dinadalang trabaho doon. wedding anniversary namin ng husband ko, hihilingin ko sa kanya na ilibre ako sa buffet. yun nga lang, nasa baguio ang bufffet. hehe.
excited na akong planuhin ang HK disneyland trip namin ng anak ko at mama ko at husband ko.
i long to travel europe.
i long to go to japan.
i LOOONG to visit the US.
i want my own car. dahil looban itong lugar namin at ang hirap kumuha ng taxi!
pero at the same time, i have a financial quota for the year, too. if i am going to meet that one, walang lugar sa 2016 ang kotse o kahit anong byahe except HK na nakaplano na.
gusto ko lang magsallita na talaga. dahil napapansin ko, no one from my network really wanted to comment on it. maybe it was the wisest thing to do. pero hindi ko lang talaga masikmura yung mga santo santitang nanghuhusga ng tao at pinupublish ang unfairly formed opinion nila sa social media. di nyo ba narirealize, you're crucifying the person! hindi mo pa nga narinig ang side nya! hindi tamang nilabas yung sulat na yun sa social media. parang gusto mo talagang ipahiya yung nirereklamo mo. parang gusto mo talaga syang kuyugin. yun ba ang hustisya? o gusto mong gumanti?
you're an outsider, doing a job that you don't even KNOW how to do. you don't even know that you are costing the production MONEY because you don't know how to do your job right. not an excuse para muramurahin ka, maybe. sino ba naman ang may gusto na mamura sya. pero you publishing that open letter, you are way out of line.
anyway, 10:28 am. timefor bed. i'll probably be dead to the world until after lunch. im SO happy na aalis na sila for US in two days. at least, kahit papano, some time to breath bago umarangkada uli.
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