Dear P

Ang guwapo mo! Sobra! 

Everything about the way you look is just perfect to me. The shape of your head, the shape of your face, your haircut, your clean-cut look, the symmetry of your features, your flawless skin, your beautiful eyes, your height and build..and I can go on and on. 

 

There, I just need to let it out. 

Well...as if I have been keeping my fangirl-ing a secret-- ang totoo, nakukulili na ang mga katrabaho ko sa akin. Paulit-ulit lang naman ang monologue ko--- "Ang guwapo ni P!". Actually, hindi ko napapansin. Until our director mentioned it tonight. Hahaha. Malala na ito. Dapat na ba akong mahiya? Para akong 16! Kasi ang guwapo mo! I have this character in my head. Pwede bang mahiram ang itsura mo para sa kanya? 

Ang weird. Para akong sinaniban ng kung ano. Wala pa namang dapat ikatakot ang hubby ko. Sounding board ko pa nga sya (same dialogue-- "ang guwapo ni P". Hah.  Profound, 'teh!). Interesting, cause exactly one year ago sounding board ko din si hubby while I was fangirl-ing over another guy. Same lines, same feelings, different person. Different character, different show. 

Ganun yata talaga. Kelangan sa trabaho? Kelangan ng muse? Kapag romance ang sinusulat, kung sinuman ang bida, crush ko siya. May tawag ba sa ganitong syndrome? Whatever. Basta natutuwa ako pag nakikita kita. Kung naglilihi man ako, SANA lumabas na maging kamukha mo ang anak namin, kung boy siya! 

Waah. I'm just... happy. Your face makes me happy, the way Keanu's face did, 20 years ago. Ang lakas makagood vibes ng pagiging fangirl. A natural upper. 

syempre, ganito lang ako kapag kami-kami lang. pero kapag kaharap ka na...hindi ko yata kaya. at hindi yata dapat. at kahit naman pwede, hindi ko rin gugustuhin. kahit nung single pa ako, never kong pinahalata sa kahit sino na crush ko sila, kahit gaano man kababaw. Core na yun ng pagkatao ko, hehe. 

okay na ako na tingnan ka. ayoko nga yatang kilalanin ka. baka madisappoint lang ako, masira ang buong ilusyon. just maintain your beauty. I'll fill in the gaps. 

26 years old, NBSB, with all the time in the world

A blog posted by my 26-year-old self. I sounded like I was going through a somekinduva heartbreaking episode.

today i finish all the pending tasks. fold up everything from the last project. sleep this off or watch a good movie, eat something sweet or mag-"emote" sa isang sulok, cry it out if needed. haha. overdramatic. but i only have until today to get this outta my system. not healthy, to go through another beginning with baggage from the immediate past.

should i take that nap before i go out? catch the last days of narnia, or king kong? chocolate with peanuts, almonds, or some other nut? maybe i don't really need a crying session with myself. been through worse before, really. this is a pinch, compared to everything else from the past combined. 


In fairness, ang daming time ha? Haha. Those were the days when my time was all mine to spend. Single 26-year-old me. Wala pa ngang boyfriend (I met my first boyfriend and future husband, 2 months later!) .

Today, how would I deal with depression? Can't afford to do a lot of these things. Because at 3pm may daughter comes home from school, and we have to do homework or review for a test. I have me-time til around 7pm, if I don't have deadlines to meet. 8pm -10pm is Mama and baby time, and it's non-negotiable (or else you'll have a 6-year-old bawling, demanding time that's "due" her!). then at 1 am husband comes home, and unless there's work to do and I have to stay up, I'm compelled to go to bed at the same time as he does. Sleeping together (literally), has become a happy habit for us two, most of the time.

So yes, my time is no longer absolutely mine. But I'd like to think I'm happier. 1 million times happier than 10 years ago. Amused ako, realizing how the years have changed me. how, when placed in a similar situation, a 26-year-old NBSB girl would react differently from a 36-year-old married woman.

ang daming tumatakbo sa utak ko, sa totoo lang. just came from a work marathon and slept at 10 am. and there's still a lot of work to do. pero wala, namiss ko lang kausapin ang sarili ko. Aside from hanging out with friends, it's blogging and chronicling that I've done a lot less of these past 5 years.

so ganito na lang. i will list down the keywords. Then get back to them later.
- Dear P
- Dear Oso
- my newest favorite TV show
- alternate realities

for now, have to review my little girl for 2 long tests tomorrow.

officially obsessed with that other life

tell me. may kulang ba sa buhay ko at nagkakaganito ako?

kulang sa fairy tales, siguro. kulang sa thrill, maybe. pero definitely, hindi kulang sa pagmamahal. the grounded, real kind. 

nagpaalam naman ako. at alam nya. 

ang sabi ko sa kanya, "may alternate world ako. kaya kapag nakita mo akong nakatulala, alam mo nang nasa kabilang mundo ako." 

tinawanan lang nya. hindi nya sineryoso. may imaginary friend din daw ba ako na umiiyak ng kendi. 

eh kung alam nya lang. 

i've done this before, at 12 years old. spent my days and nights, dreaming my life away. 

it fuelled my passion, to write them all down. using an old typewriter. days and nights, clacking away. pasko, bagong taon, wala akong pinipili. i wanted to get it out of me, wanted to make that world real. it was more real to me than my actual world. 

nasaan na kaya ang mga sinulat kong yon? 

feverish. obsessed. that face has become the most beautiful face i've ever seen in that other life. 

love and hate, and those feelings in between

nanganay ako sa week 3. and to think 2 days lang ang dapat kong isulat.

in my worst moments, i dream of donuts. not the donuts i will eat. but the donuts i will create.

in my worst moments, napapasabi ako ng ayoko na. pero wala akong karapatang umayaw. dahil marami akong obligations.

kaya in my worst moments, i dream of alternatives. fallbacks. i dream of being an entrepreneur.

pagod na akong maging indentured slave. pagod na ako sa paulit-ulit. pagod na ako sa dreary moments.

so yes it's confirmed. in my worst moments, facing the blank screen, being frozen with fear, a deadline looming ahead, I tend to hate the job.

but in my best moments, when the mood sets in, when i read things that work that came from me, when i watch something good that i helped make, i love the job. kaya okay na rin.

for now, though. i hate it. i dream of alternate lives. the lives i wish i could live. dreams i could have pursued.

22+ sequences. at wala akong gana. i  was worse two days ago. bilanggo ng deadline. at walang gana. walang amor. crippled by fear.

tapusin na 'tong script na ito. para makalaya na ako. para mabisita ko na ang bago kong kitten sa marikina. para ma-assemble na namin ng anak ko ang bago nyang laruan. para magawa ko na ang bagong cookie order na end of septmber ang deadline. para masampolan ko na ang donut na magpapayaman sa amin.

i have low expectations of this project, but i hope i'm wrong. gusto ko lang sumweldo, kumita, kiumubra ng malaki every payday. gusto ko lang mabayaran ang investment kong lupa and i have 4 years to go. week 3, maybe 8 scripts to go, at may kahati pa ako. okay lang. basta tapusin na natin 'to. hindi pa man, excited na akong mag-move on. either sa next project, o sa negosyong magsesave sa amin sa pagiging alipin ng korporasyon.

on that note, let me just say-- walang umaapi sa akin. napakabait ng korporasyon, at ang mga boss ko na alipin din naman nila. lahat kami, alipin. a strong word to use, but in essence, yun na rin. kung anong kailangang gawin, sundin.

a lonely job, this writing gig. 7 years and counting, give our take a year writing for a reality show before i got "married" to drama. perp pag bumabalik ako sa set, naninibago ako. maarte na pala ako. ayoko sa mainit, sa masikip, sa hindi komportableng lokasyon. maybe passion will be enough para suuingin mong lahat yon. kanya-kanyang hirap lang yan girl, so be fucking grateful bitch.

everything takes work. lahat ng trabaho, mahirap. kaya nga trabaho di ba.

WERK WERK WERK IT YOU WHINING BEEYATCH!