like a jilted lover

iba ang sakit nung minsan naging "kayo", tapos nawala sa yo.
yung tipong kahit limang minuto lang, naranasan mong mahalin ka nya. kahit papano.

then he or she becomes "the one that got away".

iba ang the one that got away ko. di tao, di hayop.

* * *

kung babalikan mo lang ang isang former flame dahil lang na-challenge ka, huwag na.

magiging parang tulad lang din yan ng dati.

parang wala kang pinagkatandaan o natutunan.

anyways, kung magkakaboses lang sya, at isa itong pelikula, marami syang isusumbat sa iyo.

anong problema mo, eh hindi mo naman ako ipinaglaban noon? ikaw ang sumuko, hindi ba?

at tama naman sya.

ang greatest lesson na natutunan ko sa kabanatang iyon ng buhay ko... at the end of the day, what will really matter is that you have been a good person.

and i'm not sure if going back to that one that got away would make me a good person at all. ang biggest fear ko, is that it would bring out the worst in me.

* * *

i long for the simple life.

simple life, financially-free.

yan ang totoong pangarap ko.

all the rest are just memories of my youth.

wish

throwing this wish out there.

i wish, matapos ko na ang ginagawa kong script ngayon.

i wish, matapos ko na ang lahat ng dapat kong gawing scripts within today, march 11.

i wish, matapos ko na lahat ng obligasyon ko within today, march 11.

i wish, Lord. I pray. dahil sa ngayon, i really really need the universe to work with me. I really, really need Your help Lord God.

alam ko, matutulungan nyo ako. please Lord, help me. I need to finish everything today.

cul de sac?

there must be a hole in the wall. either i have to drill it, or climb up to the top. basta dapat, makaalis ako sa letseng cul de sac na 'to.

motivation. dati, ano? fame? glory? advancement? a pat on the back?

ngayon, di na nagwowork yon sa akin. di  ko alam kung bakit.

money. money, money.

kulang pa. kulang.

so thats the reason why i need to haul myself out of this cul de sac. because there's money on the other side of the wall.

drill it, bitch.

And the mistress is on a roll

while the "wife" is away...you know what they say.

kaya habang may free time pa in between script drafts, laro-laro muna ako with our little cookie-making business.

apparently, hindi ko na sya mabitawan. dahil pati husband kong si osobear, involved na sa "affair" na ito.

habang dumadami ang mga orders, lalo lang kaming naiinlove sa kanya. and i couldn't help fantasizing that someday, who knows...maybe the mistress could someday be my wife. someday. pero siguro, medyo matagal pang someday yon.

then again. who knows?

ngayon, tatlong standing orders for the month of march. nakapila ang mga nagpapagawa ng samples (samples really help close deals!). at kung matutuloy lahat yun, meron na kaming orders for april, may, and september :-)

kakaiba yung thrill. thank you lord. sana magtuluy-tuloy na. kahit kumakain ng oras sa araw at gabi, kahit imbes na matulog, makipagbonding, o maglamyerda eh nagbebake kami...okay lang. ganyan daw talaga pag nagsisimula ng negosyo. parang pagpapalaki ng anak. pagpupuyatan mo, pagtutuunan mo ng oras at atensyon habang nagsisimula mo pa lang syang mabuhay.

maraming salamat po uli, lord. sana po, mapagsabay ko ang relationships ko with the wife and the mistress. sana po maperfect ko ang time management at magkaroon din ng time for the mistress nang mas marami-rami.

Time, not money, is the most precious commodity on earth.

mahal kita pero kailangan ko siya

there are writers, and there is me.
i don't think i was born a writer. i don't write during my free time (except here-- and even writing here minsan kinakatamaran ko pa). i'm not by nature brimming with story ideas that i ache to realize on paper/phosphorus screen.

i used to be that. i used to be in love. with stories. with writing. at 15, i wrote to escape from boring chemistry lectures. i used to read a lot, and there was a longing in me--- to write the kind of stories that i myself would want to read.

but now? i hardly read anymore. the longing is no longer there (i don't know if  the passion for reading and the passion for writing are correlated) but i have to keep on writing, because by profession, i'm a writer. i am paid to create stories. to realize them on paper. i have a job that i used to fantasize about, at 16. i had dreamed of having this when i was young.

but now it's so hard. so hard for me. dahil nawawala ang puso ko. natuon na yata sa iba ang pagmamahal ko. while i write, i fantasize about my oven. about the orders that are waiting in line. the samples i have to make as soon as i'm done with my real job. what keeps me awake are not ideas for stories. but ideas for cookie designs.

it's ridiculous. maybe this will pass. maybe i just need to go back to why i fell in love with writing, at 15. why this had become my One Great Dream, a long time ago. i'm living a childhood Dream. so what's wrong with me?

deadline in 4 days. ni hindi pa nakakaalis sa laot ang barko. lumilipad ang isip ko. :-(