procrasstinating weighs

Reality. always a dampener, as far as my semi-obsession with this boy is concerned. truth is he's so different from the character he's playing, right down to the wedding ring on his finger, that powerful little detail.

looks of an angel. those eyes. vulnerable one time, seductive the next. but then i see a video of him playing horsey horsey with his fellow male celebrity, looking like a little boy na nakawala sa playpen. toink. there goes C. hello, J, you 22-year-old little tot you.


it's going to be a long, long long night. hopefully, the last night for this friggin treatment.

sabi ng EP, go girl. maganda show natin. hindi nya alam kung gaano ko naappreciate yung little rah-rah nyang yun.

gasolina. food, hugs, appreciation, and food for the illusions like J/C

week 8

4:55 am. time's a-ticking. like a timebomb waiting to explode on my friggin procrastinating face.
isipin mo na lang. responsibilidad mo yan.
kapag nalate ka, apektado ang iba.
mahiya ka naman. tapusin mo na!

ang mahirap, yung di mo pa alam ang gagawin :-( yung nangangapa ka sa dilim. at instead na dun ka nagsusulat, dito sa blog, for some bitchin reason na ikaw mismo di mo alam.

ghosts haunting me.

please, haunt me.

C looks so sexy with that wedding ring on. makes a man out of him, i guess. that face looks youthful, but that face+the wedding ring adds manhood points. which makes him more attractive in this 30ish girl's eyes.

J, never mind him. him and the girls. him and the adulation. i'd rather float away with my illusions of C who looks like J, cause he's the perfect one, the good one, the one who will love his girl til forever.

the one who would tell you he'd still come back for you, no matter what.
the one who would say, there's no one else, just you.
the one who would put on a mascot costume and dance silly, para sa babaeng mahal nya.
yung sasalo sa yo kapag mahuhulog ka.
yung mahihingahan mo ng sama ng loob at makikinig at pwedeng iyakan ang balikat nya.
yung titingnan ka na parang ang ganda ganda mo at ikaw lang ang nag-iisang babae sa mundo.
yung titingnan ka na parang di nya macontain ang love and longing nya para sa yo.


okay beeyatch. fantasy over. don't work. labor. go into labor!!! put your heart in it! get in the frickin zone or else!!!

feverish

week 8  treatment, deadline by friday.

so stop being a fan and work, beeyatch! grrr!

this made me cry

Namiss ko ang anak ko. 

I see her everyday, get to hug her and kiss her. But these days, I seldom get to be with her. As in, really spend time with her. I don't resent my job for that, we all need to work (at swerte na ako na sa bahay ako nagtatrabaho), but I'm just sad. That it's taking time away from my child, at a time when every moment, every single day counts, because her time as a child is limited and she won't be this small forever. Instead of me, it's her yaya who gets to be by her side, the first person she sees in the morning and the last person she sees at night. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to give her her baths, help her prepare for school, make hatid-sundo, prepare her meals. Instead of me, it's yaya who gets to have memories of these precious days. these days won't happen again, and I feel sad, and i can only hope that before she gets to be 7, 8 or 9, I'd be actively participating in her life again, enjoy those final years of early childhood with her, make memories with her as her mother. 

This is something that only working mothers might probably relate to. When a woman becomes a mother, everything else will become second priority. When you become a mother, marirealize mo na posible palang mamiss mo ang isang tao kahit wala pang 5 minutes kang nahiwalay sa kanya. When you become a mother,  quitting the ratrace and becoming a fulltime mom becomes an option, and the option. But you need to work, and you want to. So the yaya enters the picture to do the things you cannot do for your child. 

I was raised by yayas and a lola. hindi naman nagbago ang pagmamahal ko sa Mama ko. But as a mother, I really want to be hands-on. I've always tried my best to be hands-on, the be an active parent in her life. I had wanted to be the one to teach her to read, to write, to count. I had wanted to be the one to take her to school on her very first day. I had wanted (and still want) to be the one to tutor her in her homework, review her for her tests. I had wanted to be the one to teach her how to put her clothes on, how to put on her socks and her shoes. And so I did. 

Grateful ako kay Lord na binigyan ako ng free time these past 5 years, to get to be with my daughter. Siguro, sabi nya, okay na yun 5 years na nahubog mo ang pagkatao nya, na naging active participant ka sa everyday life nya.  She'll be fine. Ngayon, sabi ni Lord, kailangan kong mag-focus sa trabaho ko. Kailangan kong mag-give back, because this company, my bosses, they have been kind to me since Day 1. I think about it now, and somehow it makes me feel better.  Knowing that my Audrey will be fine. Cause she's 5, and her teacher says she's a good girl, pwede na akong maging kampante somehow. 

I love this project, there are highs and lows. To be able to commit myself 100%, I needed to go back to a version of me that existed long before Audrey came. And in that aspect, nagiguilty ako. Dahil hindi na ako yun ngayon. Once you become a mother, you'll always be a mother, pero these past few months, I've been someone else. I know my daughter is in good hands, kaya I allowed it, pero pag nakakabasa ako ng mga posts tulad ng nasa taas, naiiyak ako.  Reminded again , that to gain some you have to lose some, and in this case, it's precious time with my daughter. 

Alas 3 na ng umaga. may deadline pa and I'm running behind schedule again. Babalik na naman ako sa 20ish self ko, pero bago ako magpalit na naman ng pagkatao, I just needed to let all this out. When this project is over, babawi ako ng oras sa anak ko. Nang bonggang bongga. 

at least---and amazingly, parang binulong sa akin ng Diyos ngayon ngayon lang--- she's in good shape, character-wise, at this point. She'll be fine. Thank you Lord, for that reassurance. That's all I really need to know.

same time, next year

kinda down tonight. so before i start work, might as well revive an yearly "tradition".

one year ago, i was...
...34 years and 5 months old.   
...a writer for TV. 
...writing for a weekly series for kids. the story was about a dad who became a dog. (wow.)
...stressing. going through the beginnings of a midlife crisis
...struggling to light my fire. wanting to just...finish this.
...in love with the same husband. loving the same baby daughter. wishing i had more time for them. 
...baking to release stress. cooking to relax. 
... wanting to be free. financially free. dreaming of the day when i could afford to not work and still maintain the same lifestyle)

today this year i am...
...35 years and 5 months old. Old!!!
...a writer for TV. 
...fire regained, somehow. fell in love again with the job. or was it the job? 
...peddling dreams. selling illusions. 
...crushing on a 22-year-old TV star (or maybe it was his character) 
...seriously doubting myself. 
...missing work-free days
... missing the mall
...a mother, wishing for quality bonding time with her daughter. 
...a wife, wanting more wholesome cuddly hugs from her husband 
...a writer, wanting to get into the zone. 
...a laborer, cherishing quiet work time, wanting more of those eureka moments. 
...a tired soul
...waiting for the work to start by itself. hehe.
...a semi-retired baker


one year from now i...
...will be 36 years and 5 months old. Older!!!
...will still probably be writing on this blog.
...hope to be happier than i am now, and have ever been. 
...want to be richer than i am now, and have ever been. 
...want to be excited by new projects. want to keep that fire alive. 
...want to keep being a happy wife with a happy husband
...want to be a more hands-on motther to our daughter
....want to have gone to another foreign country. or at least, another beach paradise.
...want to stay intact and happy with my family.
...want to be slimmer!
...want to be a more learned, more giving, much better person.
...want to have more fulfilled wishes.