joyeux noel! (just some notes before christmas)

WISH LIST FOR CHRISTMAS:
1. A brand new PC unit that's ideal for Adobe Premiere editing.
2. An Orange DVD player.
3. A comfy couch-potato sofa (to complement my DVD player).
4. A CD man.
5. Repair services for my CD player.
6. A minidv cam. Or better yet, a Panasonic 24P cam.
7. A digital stillcam.
8. A confirmed new job assignment.
10.Merry Christmas text messages from the ones who matter. (wink, wink)
11. A brilliant concept for a short film.
12. All Wong Kar Wai movies, wrapped with a bow.

It just gets really cold sometimes. So much so that the first interesting person to display some dint of warmth can easily become a hero.
I never really believed that a person's genuine niceness could be such an attractive trait, up until two days ago. Of course I'll have to erase this from memory, exorcise it out of me because it's out of the question.

Natutuwa lang ako. How someone who's smart, sophisticated, talented, and impressively laidback can still be surprisingly, genuinely friendly. It's not something that I would expect from someone of his status and personality. It disarmed me. For a mad moment there, I thought I was smitten.

Lightning bolts in and out of the sky. As fast and fleeting and electric as that. This, too, shall pass, for mad moments never last long.

So he's such a man-of-the-world. I'm just a little girl here. The discrepancy is too much to take in. Forget it.

And besides, he's gay.

End of story.


Footnote--
New Year's resolution number 1: Stop falling for gay men.

won't take the train away from 2046 (not yet, anyway)

I cannot rave enough about Wong Kar Wai's new film, 2046. Sent raves to all of my fellow WKW fans, posted a rave on Friendster, gabbed about it dozens of times. I pray that someday, I can get to make a film like that. A film that will hit the right mark in people's hearts. A film that will show how it is to be human in an imperfect, complicated world. A film that will make 24-year-old girls cry.

We are transients in each other's lives...
Passing through, like ghosts,
touching each other for a moment or longer...
...til the next train comes.

That train in 2046, in all its cold metallic sadness. Run away from all the unfulfilled yearnings of your heart. Run away from the painful memories. Take that train, that train that train that train away from 2046...

God I love that movie. And I love Tony Leung! Was a Leslie Cheung fan before and hardly noticed his partner in "Happy Together", but Tony was just damn gorgeous in 2046. And I don't only pertain to his looks. He looks great, man, but it's how he moves in that smooth sophisticated way, how he looks at a person with those doleful, courting, take-care-of-me eyes. And the scene where Zang Ziyi slaps him is, as far as I'm concerned, a shining moment. Tony's expression smoothly changes from embarrassment (a GIRL just slapped ME) and anger (Why, you bitch, I'll show you) to a mask of calm amusement. Then he tells Zang: I'm glad I made you feel better by that slap. Slap me again, if that's what it will take to make you happy.

Ang galeng galeng. Nakakatakot atang maka-meet ng ganyang lalake sa tunay na buhay.

I'd settle for the lesser mortals in my midst. The new people I meet everyday, thanks to my current racket. I'm raring to begin on a new shoot again but while I'm waiting, there's the monitoring job to do.

I'd like to tell myself that I met someone new, someone interesting, but then again I know the truth and truth is it's all just in my mind. If a hype-up would bring rosiness to this life somehow, then why not, but in my past history we know that I don't handle hypeup cases all too well. I get carried away. I hype the person up so well in my head that I tend to forget how falsely it all started.

whoring the craft

let's collect our thoughts, shall we...
- what's making me restless right now?! what's wrong with me? oh, yeah, i wanted to ask one director about some racket that i was really praying i could be part of. he called me thirty minutes ago but he made no mention of it. he did mention, though, that he was going to be busy in the next week. if i had gotten the racket, shouldn't he have mentioned it? does his non-mention mean i didn't get it? so what do i do? right--ASK. simple as that.
- sa trabahong to, walang mangyayari sa yo kung mahiyain ka. lakas ng loob, tapang ng apog, kapal ng mukha. i want to work continually. i want to learn more on the job. i want to be better. and yes, i want money.
- but one thing i really hated (and still hating) myself for was that SHOOTING DIRECTOR racket for an music video featuring a certain hunk/wannabe-balladeer. if there's anything i learned about it, it's this: NEVER whore your craft again...unless you really need the money. and no, folks, when i decided to take that racket i didn't need the money. i just wanted it. it was degradingly small for a director's salary, but i wanted something extra for the holidays.
- okay. crucify me. "filmmakers" with integrity will NOT take rackets like that. especially on such short notice (was offered the project one day before we were to shoot). i was such a whore at that time. i hated myself.
-there wasn't even enough time to think about how to improve the storyboard i'd been given (expectedly, corny...dang, was such a whore...). so i did the best i could to ride on with the material. you want corny? i'll give you corny. surprisingly, though, they found the rushes "videoke"...(Duh?! tingnan nyo nga yang storyboard nyo, sinusunod ko lang po yan.). It was a nightmare. Kung ayaw nyo yung ginagawa ko, mas lalong ayaw ko ang ginagawa ko! P--**y***ta!
- It was all my fault, i know. I know. I got into it knowing full well what it was. And all for how much? If you're gonna whore yourself, honey, make sure the price is worth the degradation.
- maybe i could be a lot, lot better, but i'm not so bad. so to hell with all the shit that they're going to haul at me that can feed my insecurities. you want me off postprod, fine. pangalan ko lang naman ang nakataya. i know i should have insisted. but getting to be in that place and with those people again is something i dread. but i know i should be there. kahit pro-bono. i didn't give birth to that child, but it was given to me to raise. gotta make sure it turns out okay, at the very least, if not well.
- self-loathing. it's the worst kind of hate to live with.

my nostalgia

Two afternoons ago, I accidentally met my gay lola at the Seiko office.
He was wearing white (body-hugging, of course). His hair was a bit longer in the bangs. Clean-shaven, clear-eyed. He looked so fresh I wanted to kiss his pretty face. But the best thing about the way he looked that afternoon was the warmth in his eyes when he would address me.

Like he was almost glad to see me. Like it was almost a pleasant surprise for him. It meant nothing to him and should mean nothing to me, but fondness should not necessarily mean your hoping for reciprocation. That's the difference of it with infatuation.

I'm still fond of you, my gay lola. Despite everything else. The only thing that I really want is for us to be truly friends. You, Will. Me, Grace. Is that possible, somehow?

I'm sad. Because I miss you. I miss being emotionally unstable. Haha!