grumpy night

I'm in a BAD, BAD, BAD mood right now. Can't these teenaged boys playing some network game (Ragnarok, is that what it's called?) do so without guddang yelling? It's a very small internet space, you know.

L-O-S-E-R is how you spell my name. Right now, that's how I feel. Feel like a real big one. A pathetic conventional sucker for the mainstream. If I am to make something of myself I should really try to check and reexamine how I think, what my creative sensibilities are. When I say I'm doing something "corny" and "cheesy", am I disengaging myself from the work?

Wait a second...it DID come from me, didn't it? Concept, treatment, and all, right?

I can blame the system all I want. Blame the genre, the politics, the limited funding, heck even the singer himself. I can friggin blame EVERYONE else except
me. But I will always know the truth. I have my name attached to that "corny", "cheesy" thing. That "thing" came from me.

What kind of a mother would disown her own child, anyway? If you brought an ugly child into this world, would you deny him? What kind of a creator would detach herself from the work because she deems it ugly? Tigilan na nga ang paghuhugas ng kamay. Galing yan sa yo. Kahit ano pang sabihin mo. Kahit ano pang idahilan mo. So mag-isip isip ka. Baka naman ganyan ka talaga mag-isip. Baka naman "corny" at "cheesy" talaga ang sensibilidad mo.

There are no victims here. Only suckers and sellouts. Seeing something truly new and innovative tonight made me realize that no, nothing has really limited me from coming up with something new. Nothing really did. Not money or genre or the system. I
have always had enough freedom. If I really wanted to, I could have really pushed it. Enough that it would be somewhat different, somehow.

I feel bad about it. About everything. Next time the work will be different. Next time I will see to it that nothing as cringe-worthy as that will come from me again. I refuse to embrace mediocrity. Ayokong tuluyan nang lamunin ng mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon. Ayokong ma-convert. Kung nagsisimula man na siya ngayon, I will fight it. Because that's not what I want to become.

I feel really horrible right now. Thank God the teenaged boys have shut up.