...that i really love going to new far-off places.
especially if it's for free.
gusto kong pumunta ng bukidnon!
* * *
i remember someone having gone to bukidnon, a long long time ago. he called me and told me that he was out there, smoking weed under the stars. or something like that.
years later he told me, that was the past, saffron. and that was just one night in bukidnon.
haha. haller?!
hindi pa ko nakapunta ng bukidnon. hindi ko nga alam kung sa visayas ba sya o mindanao (o sa luzon?). hindi ko alam ang itsura nya, kahit sa pictures. ang naiisip ko pag nababanggit ang bukidnon, bukid. haha.
gusto ko, gusto ko!
makakapunta ko ng bukidnon this september. I WILL IT!
* * *
asap daw.
kaya nase-stress ako.
taena. istorbo pa ang mga miting miting e. istorbo din ang chika. istorbo din ang internet. andaming istorbo!
basta, this friday. THIS FRIDAY. no later.
what the hell is so hard about a freakin ppt anyway? anoba!
* * *
hay.
hindi ko na alam.
natutuwa ako para sa iba, pero hindi na ko nangangarap para sa sarili ko ng tulad ng nangyayari sa kanila.
mahaba pa naman ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng magbago.
* * *
i dreamed of her again.
she was shooing me away.
she came into the room and saw me, and turned to someone and said, "i can't believe she'd stoop this low."
hindi pa nya sinabi sa kin nang diretso. sa dream, hindi ako na-hurt. parang expected ko na. she shooed me away the last time i saw her. hindi na bago ang kahit ano.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
redirecting...please wait
sometimes being busy isn't synonymous with being productive. it depends on what being "productive" means to you.
if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.
which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?
and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.
but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.
you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).
nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.
whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.
coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!
* * *
saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.
we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.
the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.
* * *
monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.
naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).
in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.
kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.
kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.
na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.
sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).
i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!
* * *
ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.
sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.
if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.
which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?
and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.
but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.
you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).
nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.
whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.
coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!
* * *
saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.
we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.
the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.
* * *
monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.
naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).
in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.
kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.
kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.
na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.
sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).
i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!
* * *
ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.
sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
happy haggard tuesday
finally, a wrap for the m@rk herr@s indie film. a year and a half later. hehe.
our day began at 1am, pullout time. 30-plus sequences sa schedule (including a lovemaking scene, a giving birth scene, a m@rk herr@s huramentado scene) to be shot on five different locations. OA ang schedule pero gusto nilang matapos ng isang araw. suntok sa buwan on a one-cam, one-unit setup, kaya kumuha ng pangalawang unit.
naoo-OA-an din ako sa 2am calltime on set sa montalban. as a biological rule people slow down pag madaling araw. pag nagsimula ng madaling araw, sa kalagitnaan ng araw pagod na. pero yun ang utos ni direk kaya go na din ako. ambilis ng pacing namin kasi adik kaming lahat. pero by midday, nararamdaman ko na yung hapo. nung magsplit na ang unit at lumipat ako sa unit 2, bigla kaming binagyo--ulan for at least an hour--kaya nagkaroon ako ng excuse magpahinga. haha.
na-anticipate ko na magiging (hilaw na) 2nd unit director ako pero mahirap pala pag nagmamadali ka, at pag hindi mo kabisado ang eksena dahil wala kang bagong kopya ng script (kumusta naman yun!). isang eksena lang yung pinaubaya sa kin ng direktor para sa sarili kong blocking, pero feeling ko chaka-ly executed. not bad but not good either. haha, na-conscious daw o.
our last shoot was more than a year ago pa (june 2007), kaya medyo madugo ang pag-maintain ng continuity. dito ko narealize na kung hindi magiging mabusisi ang direktor (at ang mga manonood), continuity is really going to be the least of their concerns. buti na lang hindi ako ang continuity sa project na to, dahil parang magiging panira ng rep. haha.
nakakapanibago din mag-1st AD uli, dahil yung last time na nag-1st AD ako sa skwela pa (more than 6 months ago). yung mga sumunod mostly 2nd-AD and continuity work kaya nakaka-miss din. first time ko din as AD na makapag-orchestrate ng 2-unit setup-- mas mabilis talaga ang buhay, basta't planado at laging may presence of mind ang mga tao (kahit nangangarag sa oras). na-realize ko uli na kung magpo-production ako for life itong trabahong 'to talaga ang mas gusto kong karirin, dahil mas madali sya for me kesa continuity. how ironic na kung ano yung mas mahirap na trabaho yun pa yung mas underrated.
natapos kami ng 4 am kinabukasan. first shot namin was 445am the day before. so pasok kami sa 24 hour shoot, pero in totality, 26 hours mahigit ang working hours namin. nalipasan at naabutan na ko uli ng antok. haha. pero at the end of the long long day, masaya-saya naman. kasi, bukod sa kadatungan at the end of the day, pelikulang ito ang 1st AD job ko...and i'm happy na finally, tapos na sya!
:-)
pagdating ko ng bahay, alas-6 na ata ng umaga. di ko na maalala kung pano ko nakapasok ng bahay at nakarating sa kama ko. woke up at 1, had lunch, sailed away in open-eyed sleep all afternoon, got up and had dinner, fell asleep at 10pm, woke up at 3am. parang nag-recharge lang ako buong araw ng miyerkules.
may isa pala akong naalala nung dumating ako ng bahay. sinalubong ako ng pusa ko. sabi ng kapatid ko, nung wala daw ako, pabalik-balik si keanna sa kuwarto ko to. haha, na-touch naman ako dun. :-)
our day began at 1am, pullout time. 30-plus sequences sa schedule (including a lovemaking scene, a giving birth scene, a m@rk herr@s huramentado scene) to be shot on five different locations. OA ang schedule pero gusto nilang matapos ng isang araw. suntok sa buwan on a one-cam, one-unit setup, kaya kumuha ng pangalawang unit.
naoo-OA-an din ako sa 2am calltime on set sa montalban. as a biological rule people slow down pag madaling araw. pag nagsimula ng madaling araw, sa kalagitnaan ng araw pagod na. pero yun ang utos ni direk kaya go na din ako. ambilis ng pacing namin kasi adik kaming lahat. pero by midday, nararamdaman ko na yung hapo. nung magsplit na ang unit at lumipat ako sa unit 2, bigla kaming binagyo--ulan for at least an hour--kaya nagkaroon ako ng excuse magpahinga. haha.
na-anticipate ko na magiging (hilaw na) 2nd unit director ako pero mahirap pala pag nagmamadali ka, at pag hindi mo kabisado ang eksena dahil wala kang bagong kopya ng script (kumusta naman yun!). isang eksena lang yung pinaubaya sa kin ng direktor para sa sarili kong blocking, pero feeling ko chaka-ly executed. not bad but not good either. haha, na-conscious daw o.
our last shoot was more than a year ago pa (june 2007), kaya medyo madugo ang pag-maintain ng continuity. dito ko narealize na kung hindi magiging mabusisi ang direktor (at ang mga manonood), continuity is really going to be the least of their concerns. buti na lang hindi ako ang continuity sa project na to, dahil parang magiging panira ng rep. haha.
nakakapanibago din mag-1st AD uli, dahil yung last time na nag-1st AD ako sa skwela pa (more than 6 months ago). yung mga sumunod mostly 2nd-AD and continuity work kaya nakaka-miss din. first time ko din as AD na makapag-orchestrate ng 2-unit setup-- mas mabilis talaga ang buhay, basta't planado at laging may presence of mind ang mga tao (kahit nangangarag sa oras). na-realize ko uli na kung magpo-production ako for life itong trabahong 'to talaga ang mas gusto kong karirin, dahil mas madali sya for me kesa continuity. how ironic na kung ano yung mas mahirap na trabaho yun pa yung mas underrated.
natapos kami ng 4 am kinabukasan. first shot namin was 445am the day before. so pasok kami sa 24 hour shoot, pero in totality, 26 hours mahigit ang working hours namin. nalipasan at naabutan na ko uli ng antok. haha. pero at the end of the long long day, masaya-saya naman. kasi, bukod sa kadatungan at the end of the day, pelikulang ito ang 1st AD job ko...and i'm happy na finally, tapos na sya!
:-)
pagdating ko ng bahay, alas-6 na ata ng umaga. di ko na maalala kung pano ko nakapasok ng bahay at nakarating sa kama ko. woke up at 1, had lunch, sailed away in open-eyed sleep all afternoon, got up and had dinner, fell asleep at 10pm, woke up at 3am. parang nag-recharge lang ako buong araw ng miyerkules.
may isa pala akong naalala nung dumating ako ng bahay. sinalubong ako ng pusa ko. sabi ng kapatid ko, nung wala daw ako, pabalik-balik si keanna sa kuwarto ko to. haha, na-touch naman ako dun. :-)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
meantime girl
tired.
stressed myself over a lost minidv tape earlier this morning. i hate the fact that i had been stressing over nothing, because the tape was eventually found.
i hate the fact, too, that i HAD to stress over a freakin minidv tape. on the bright side, though, i was just glad the day was over.
* * *
if i had chosen differently, i would have segued to another long day from that stressful 24-hour meantime thing. there was a long long moment last night when i was weighing things. money, or performance? but i decided to forego the sunday job. magiging madugo ang araw sa tuesday at marami pang kelangang gawin. kelangang pumili, kesehoda.
sayang nga din lang. malinaw na pera at the end of the shoot. dun na lang umiikot ang meantime days ko ngayon. pera, pera...pangit.
* * *
in exchange for the lost tf, i got to sleep til afternoon today. i got to surf the net. and i'm doing homework tonight for tuesday's shoot. kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko at tutupad sa pangako ang mga tao, yung lost tf for today, marerecover ko sa tuesday, and more. please lord, sana.
* * *
everytime makakarinig o makakabasa ko ng idealistic rants and raves from a fresh grad, parang gusto kong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. napupurga na ko. naaalala ko ang sarili ko noon. ayoko nang maalala e. naiinis lang ako. hindi sa mga idealistic bagets kungdi sa sarili ko, sa time circumstance and fate, sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko control, sa mga bagay na may control ako pero hindi ko nacontrol nang tama, sa opportunity and promise, sa lost tomorrows and tomorrows i used to not want to lose, sa tomorrows na hindi ko nakikita ngayon at hindi ko na iniisip.
everyone has his/her own journey, so i'll let them be. not everyone will end up as scarred and jaded as me, so i won't spoil it for them.
* * *
basta happy ako sa promise ng tf at the end of the day. daily is the name of the game, and it's the only redeeming factor in most of my workdays these days.
pero sa tuesday, iba. hindi lang pera. (although looking forward ako sa pera). gusto ko ang gagawin ko. at hindi ako magla-log ng shots o magbe-babysit ng punyetang mga minidv tapes. nasa field ako. and in a way, may feeling ako na magdidirek na din ako. kahit papano, almost.
* * *
napostpone yung saturday taping supposedly na kinukwento ko nung isang araw. sayang.
nung tinext ako about it, more of relief than panghihinayang ang first reaction ko. kasi sobrang haggard ang schedule. maraming pinapagawa sa kin within the day.
pero later on nung na-realize kong babalik na ang orig AD sa susunod na taping day nila at malamang hindi na ko masasalang, na-praning na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung postponed talaga o may humarang sa participation ko sa first tv directing venture ni King-of-Calm Direk (king of calm talaga! gusto mo yon, rekdi?). sabi nga ni waterfowl, justified man o hindi ang kapraningan ko, kebs.
pero nakakalungkot kung it turns out na justified. siguro naman hindi. siguro naman hindi ganon ang mga tao.
* * *
kaya nung sabado, balik sa dating gawi. laguna naman ang loc. pamorningan.
nainggit ako sa friends na nag-troop to ccp to watch the cinemalaya films. parang gusto kong humabol.
sa sobrang buryo ko sa set that day, i broke my promise and started smoking again.
eh 36 hours na kong tumigil a few days ago. nakaya ko naman.
na-break ang 36 hours nung nabwisit ako sa isang walang kawenta-wentang argumento with osobear. sinimulan ko na naman sa isang stick. dumating sya sa bahay, and caught me with the cigarette. i didn't expect him to arrive. i guess the cigarette was a giveaway that i was somekinda upset. haha.
and then the next day, wala. bumigay ang lola mo. paksyet. bakit ba. keber sa mga testimonies na binabasa pa ng nanay ko sa harap ko (ALOUD) about how smoking can kill you in so many excruciating ways. on that day, i needed it to survive. which is just. so. pathetic.
just. so. lame.
now i've started to quit smoking again. and counting the number of hours. parang yung device sa Hulk.
Hours after Incident: 1
sana makaya ko na this time. wag lang akong mabwisit o maburyo, dahil yun ang pinakatempting na oras para magyosi. hah. ampangit!
lord! help me! i want to live longer!
stressed myself over a lost minidv tape earlier this morning. i hate the fact that i had been stressing over nothing, because the tape was eventually found.
i hate the fact, too, that i HAD to stress over a freakin minidv tape. on the bright side, though, i was just glad the day was over.
* * *
if i had chosen differently, i would have segued to another long day from that stressful 24-hour meantime thing. there was a long long moment last night when i was weighing things. money, or performance? but i decided to forego the sunday job. magiging madugo ang araw sa tuesday at marami pang kelangang gawin. kelangang pumili, kesehoda.
sayang nga din lang. malinaw na pera at the end of the shoot. dun na lang umiikot ang meantime days ko ngayon. pera, pera...pangit.
* * *
in exchange for the lost tf, i got to sleep til afternoon today. i got to surf the net. and i'm doing homework tonight for tuesday's shoot. kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko at tutupad sa pangako ang mga tao, yung lost tf for today, marerecover ko sa tuesday, and more. please lord, sana.
* * *
everytime makakarinig o makakabasa ko ng idealistic rants and raves from a fresh grad, parang gusto kong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. napupurga na ko. naaalala ko ang sarili ko noon. ayoko nang maalala e. naiinis lang ako. hindi sa mga idealistic bagets kungdi sa sarili ko, sa time circumstance and fate, sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko control, sa mga bagay na may control ako pero hindi ko nacontrol nang tama, sa opportunity and promise, sa lost tomorrows and tomorrows i used to not want to lose, sa tomorrows na hindi ko nakikita ngayon at hindi ko na iniisip.
everyone has his/her own journey, so i'll let them be. not everyone will end up as scarred and jaded as me, so i won't spoil it for them.
* * *
basta happy ako sa promise ng tf at the end of the day. daily is the name of the game, and it's the only redeeming factor in most of my workdays these days.
pero sa tuesday, iba. hindi lang pera. (although looking forward ako sa pera). gusto ko ang gagawin ko. at hindi ako magla-log ng shots o magbe-babysit ng punyetang mga minidv tapes. nasa field ako. and in a way, may feeling ako na magdidirek na din ako. kahit papano, almost.
* * *
napostpone yung saturday taping supposedly na kinukwento ko nung isang araw. sayang.
nung tinext ako about it, more of relief than panghihinayang ang first reaction ko. kasi sobrang haggard ang schedule. maraming pinapagawa sa kin within the day.
pero later on nung na-realize kong babalik na ang orig AD sa susunod na taping day nila at malamang hindi na ko masasalang, na-praning na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung postponed talaga o may humarang sa participation ko sa first tv directing venture ni King-of-Calm Direk (king of calm talaga! gusto mo yon, rekdi?). sabi nga ni waterfowl, justified man o hindi ang kapraningan ko, kebs.
pero nakakalungkot kung it turns out na justified. siguro naman hindi. siguro naman hindi ganon ang mga tao.
* * *
kaya nung sabado, balik sa dating gawi. laguna naman ang loc. pamorningan.
nainggit ako sa friends na nag-troop to ccp to watch the cinemalaya films. parang gusto kong humabol.
sa sobrang buryo ko sa set that day, i broke my promise and started smoking again.
eh 36 hours na kong tumigil a few days ago. nakaya ko naman.
na-break ang 36 hours nung nabwisit ako sa isang walang kawenta-wentang argumento with osobear. sinimulan ko na naman sa isang stick. dumating sya sa bahay, and caught me with the cigarette. i didn't expect him to arrive. i guess the cigarette was a giveaway that i was somekinda upset. haha.
and then the next day, wala. bumigay ang lola mo. paksyet. bakit ba. keber sa mga testimonies na binabasa pa ng nanay ko sa harap ko (ALOUD) about how smoking can kill you in so many excruciating ways. on that day, i needed it to survive. which is just. so. pathetic.
just. so. lame.
now i've started to quit smoking again. and counting the number of hours. parang yung device sa Hulk.
Hours after Incident: 1
sana makaya ko na this time. wag lang akong mabwisit o maburyo, dahil yun ang pinakatempting na oras para magyosi. hah. ampangit!
lord! help me! i want to live longer!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
days in the life
i was caught up in a little whirlpool these past few days. and trying to deal with a whirlpool of different emotions as well.
monday i spent all day trying to meet a self-imposed deadline. on the brink of a nervous breakdown, uttering curses aloud, blowing out air (and cigarette smoke) to unload myself of the tension. at the end of the day, i was done and all but ready to email my 3 days' worth of labor. and guess what. the freakin internet wouldn't connect me.
tuesday was taping day. spiels, boring. strangely i was at my busiest on set, as compared to those gawddang outdoor tapings, when i would hardly be on the set at all, sitting on my fanny monitoring those freakin minidvtapes. when on any other day, in any other job, i couldn't friggin care less about them. the day ended at 1 am, and my head was aching. someone was expecting an email of a revised shooting schedule for a film that's about to resume and i was running a day late. that had to wait, because...
wednesday was another taping day. outdoors in the boondocks of pililla, rizal. the place was comfy on a stormy day but i was glum. disgruntled. i loved where i was and who i was with, but i HATED what i was doing. so much, at that time, that i contemplated on resigning. even the thought of baguio couldn't do me any good. my abhorrence of those tapes outweighs everything else.
they promised me something else. something more. somehow they have not gotten around to giving it to me. and probably i'm too shy or too proud to ask again. if they meant it, they would've asked me again about it by now.
i was thinking of a good excuse to get out. the (ex)favorite Direk's movie was grinding soon. that would do. later that night i got a message telling me that the shoot for july has been postponed. so there. sign ba yun ni lord? should i stay or should i go? there are other options, but they're not concrete at this point. hoping high, but for now the present matters. and money matters as well.
in the middle of the night i learned about the demise of Manong. i was shocked. akala ko ok na sya, akala ko recovering na. yun pala nag-cardiac arrest uli, and this time around he never came back again. i was sad. love ko si manong, kahit may mga tantrums sya. love ko sya kasi as a director, alam nya ang ginagawa nya. as a person, he's actually endearing. sad din ako, kasi i hate it when someone i know dies.
my cellphone took another (literal) fall that night as well. mukhang susunod na rin sya kay Manong. deadbatt ako all night, and the phone was chipped in the hinge.
3 am, packup time. i still had that shooting schedule to deal with when i get home. got home at 6, did the breakdown, but the friggin internet wouldn't cooperate again. so i slept muna. woke up at 10 am to a phone call from the direk asking me (for the Nth time) about the freakin breakdown. kulang pa ang 4 hours na tulog sa kin pero no choice. finally, inemail ko na.
i was to have a meeting today. but a phone talk changed my plans.
there's something new. a challenge. a first. and i'm apprehensive and hopeful about it at the same time. this was what i wanted right? not the freakin minidv tapes. so now God has granted one of my prayers. i just need to overcome the negative feelings and do the best that i can on saturday.
now i'm waiting for download manager. cause i was emailed a file that needs to be opened with a program that isn't in my hard drive. eh magmimeeting kami mamayang 5pm nung direk. i have to come up with a breakdown by then, and it's freakin 2 pm!
natetense na naman ako, pucha. ano ba tong ambagal na download manager na to.
di ako aabot sa 5 pm. i'll have to tell him. put*ng i*a!!!!
monday i spent all day trying to meet a self-imposed deadline. on the brink of a nervous breakdown, uttering curses aloud, blowing out air (and cigarette smoke) to unload myself of the tension. at the end of the day, i was done and all but ready to email my 3 days' worth of labor. and guess what. the freakin internet wouldn't connect me.
tuesday was taping day. spiels, boring. strangely i was at my busiest on set, as compared to those gawddang outdoor tapings, when i would hardly be on the set at all, sitting on my fanny monitoring those freakin minidvtapes. when on any other day, in any other job, i couldn't friggin care less about them. the day ended at 1 am, and my head was aching. someone was expecting an email of a revised shooting schedule for a film that's about to resume and i was running a day late. that had to wait, because...
wednesday was another taping day. outdoors in the boondocks of pililla, rizal. the place was comfy on a stormy day but i was glum. disgruntled. i loved where i was and who i was with, but i HATED what i was doing. so much, at that time, that i contemplated on resigning. even the thought of baguio couldn't do me any good. my abhorrence of those tapes outweighs everything else.
they promised me something else. something more. somehow they have not gotten around to giving it to me. and probably i'm too shy or too proud to ask again. if they meant it, they would've asked me again about it by now.
i was thinking of a good excuse to get out. the (ex)favorite Direk's movie was grinding soon. that would do. later that night i got a message telling me that the shoot for july has been postponed. so there. sign ba yun ni lord? should i stay or should i go? there are other options, but they're not concrete at this point. hoping high, but for now the present matters. and money matters as well.
in the middle of the night i learned about the demise of Manong. i was shocked. akala ko ok na sya, akala ko recovering na. yun pala nag-cardiac arrest uli, and this time around he never came back again. i was sad. love ko si manong, kahit may mga tantrums sya. love ko sya kasi as a director, alam nya ang ginagawa nya. as a person, he's actually endearing. sad din ako, kasi i hate it when someone i know dies.
my cellphone took another (literal) fall that night as well. mukhang susunod na rin sya kay Manong. deadbatt ako all night, and the phone was chipped in the hinge.
3 am, packup time. i still had that shooting schedule to deal with when i get home. got home at 6, did the breakdown, but the friggin internet wouldn't cooperate again. so i slept muna. woke up at 10 am to a phone call from the direk asking me (for the Nth time) about the freakin breakdown. kulang pa ang 4 hours na tulog sa kin pero no choice. finally, inemail ko na.
i was to have a meeting today. but a phone talk changed my plans.
there's something new. a challenge. a first. and i'm apprehensive and hopeful about it at the same time. this was what i wanted right? not the freakin minidv tapes. so now God has granted one of my prayers. i just need to overcome the negative feelings and do the best that i can on saturday.
now i'm waiting for download manager. cause i was emailed a file that needs to be opened with a program that isn't in my hard drive. eh magmimeeting kami mamayang 5pm nung direk. i have to come up with a breakdown by then, and it's freakin 2 pm!
natetense na naman ako, pucha. ano ba tong ambagal na download manager na to.
di ako aabot sa 5 pm. i'll have to tell him. put*ng i*a!!!!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
nakakalokaaaa
hindi ko kayang sabayan ng pagku-quit ng yosi ito.
6:30 pm na. hanggang bukas ng umaga na lang ako.
tapos alas-2 may trabaho na.
new keanna pictures:
6:30 pm na. hanggang bukas ng umaga na lang ako.
tapos alas-2 may trabaho na.
new keanna pictures:
Saturday, July 12, 2008
rainy day monologues
na-shock ako sa entry ni o.b.
i almost couldn't believe that she's over him. e ilang buwan din na yung taong yon ang apple of her eye.
but good for her.
i hope she's found the right one now.
good for him, too.
that ought to teach guys like him a lesson.
* * *
still, can't help thinking, lalake talaga ang sensibilities nitong si o.b.
sana ganun din ako.
ang ganda ng dine-describe nyang exchange of emails between her and the dude. parang fantasy scenario ko noon, involving past Princes-Turned-Frogs.
you could've had me then, but you lost your chance. sorry na lang. friends?
haha. kick-ass!
* * *
nakakakalahati na ko. hindi ko lang alam kung tama ang ginagawa ko. kung masyado bang detalyado. kung magugustuhan ba. kung may kapupuntahan ba.
kung wala, at least nakapagpraktis ako. i haven't done this in a long time. i want to start again.
ang importante, i'm not frozen. and in a few minutes i'm going back to it. dapat matapos na to. ilang buwan na to.
i only have today and tomorrow left.
* * *
you have to enjoy it. the very act of doing it. para makatagal. para gawin syang lifetime career.
dati. i used to. nung high school ako. i churned it out. kahit walang nag-rerequire sa kin. i liked what i was doing.
sans pressure, i enjoy it.
e ako din lang naman ang nampe-pressure sa sarili ko.
i almost couldn't believe that she's over him. e ilang buwan din na yung taong yon ang apple of her eye.
but good for her.
i hope she's found the right one now.
good for him, too.
that ought to teach guys like him a lesson.
* * *
still, can't help thinking, lalake talaga ang sensibilities nitong si o.b.
sana ganun din ako.
ang ganda ng dine-describe nyang exchange of emails between her and the dude. parang fantasy scenario ko noon, involving past Princes-Turned-Frogs.
you could've had me then, but you lost your chance. sorry na lang. friends?
haha. kick-ass!
* * *
nakakakalahati na ko. hindi ko lang alam kung tama ang ginagawa ko. kung masyado bang detalyado. kung magugustuhan ba. kung may kapupuntahan ba.
kung wala, at least nakapagpraktis ako. i haven't done this in a long time. i want to start again.
ang importante, i'm not frozen. and in a few minutes i'm going back to it. dapat matapos na to. ilang buwan na to.
i only have today and tomorrow left.
* * *
you have to enjoy it. the very act of doing it. para makatagal. para gawin syang lifetime career.
dati. i used to. nung high school ako. i churned it out. kahit walang nag-rerequire sa kin. i liked what i was doing.
sans pressure, i enjoy it.
e ako din lang naman ang nampe-pressure sa sarili ko.
you're so cute
you didn't look this cute when i first met you. (you didn't register to me at all, when i first met you).
how could someone grow so cute in such a relatively short span of time?
how could someone grow so cute in such a relatively short span of time?
valley of the dolls
you go up, then you go down. and then you smoke a friggin lot, which i hate.
at least it gave me a few germ ideas for the entire afternoon.
* * *
depressed. sana makatulog na ko. kasi wala na kong gas para sa trabaho tonight. trabahong wala pang bayad, na umaasa akong magkakabayad, in one way or another, soon or very soon.
wala na kong gas tonight. inaantok na hindi.
why am i depressed. kasi ayokong umalis bukas, kahit na gusto ko. dahil may mga tao akong iniiwasang makita by accident. at dahil may trabaho ako.
kasi dadaan na naman ang tren sa august, at sobrang nakaka-tempt sumakay. wala na namang question dun kung sasakay ako o hindi. ang tanong, me pamasahe ba ko.
thing is, napa-praning ako.
dahil sa nangyari six or seven months ago, i feel like i'm shut out. banned.
not officially, pero sino ba ang magdedecide kung sino ang mga sasakay sa tren.
sino ba ang mga magbabantay sa mga nakasakay sa tren.
the same persons who wanted me off another train, some six or seven months ago. the same persons who decided that i wasn't ready. or that i was too sick in the head to be ready.
kaya ako depressed. kasi every year nangangarap akong sumakay sa train.
ngayon, ni manood ng parada, ayoko. hindi dahil sa ayokong manood. i'm not worthy.
self pity, self pity.
* * *
masyado akong expressive.
hindi ko na ine-edit ang sarili ko.
hindi ko alam kung good ba yun o bad.
hindi ko na lang iisipin. basta kung anong nararamdaman, hahayaan ko na lang.
* * *
sunod nang sunod sa kin yung pusa ko.
gusto kong isipin na ginagawa nya yon kasi mahal na nya ko, pero knowing cats, alam ko namang alam kasi nya kung sino ang nagpapakain sa kanya.
utilitarian ang mga pusa. user-friendly at walang loyalty. pero love ko pa rin sila, kasi ang ganda ganda nilang tingnan.
lalo na to:
sleep, bluey sleep.
at least it gave me a few germ ideas for the entire afternoon.
* * *
depressed. sana makatulog na ko. kasi wala na kong gas para sa trabaho tonight. trabahong wala pang bayad, na umaasa akong magkakabayad, in one way or another, soon or very soon.
wala na kong gas tonight. inaantok na hindi.
why am i depressed. kasi ayokong umalis bukas, kahit na gusto ko. dahil may mga tao akong iniiwasang makita by accident. at dahil may trabaho ako.
kasi dadaan na naman ang tren sa august, at sobrang nakaka-tempt sumakay. wala na namang question dun kung sasakay ako o hindi. ang tanong, me pamasahe ba ko.
thing is, napa-praning ako.
dahil sa nangyari six or seven months ago, i feel like i'm shut out. banned.
not officially, pero sino ba ang magdedecide kung sino ang mga sasakay sa tren.
sino ba ang mga magbabantay sa mga nakasakay sa tren.
the same persons who wanted me off another train, some six or seven months ago. the same persons who decided that i wasn't ready. or that i was too sick in the head to be ready.
kaya ako depressed. kasi every year nangangarap akong sumakay sa train.
ngayon, ni manood ng parada, ayoko. hindi dahil sa ayokong manood. i'm not worthy.
self pity, self pity.
* * *
masyado akong expressive.
hindi ko na ine-edit ang sarili ko.
hindi ko alam kung good ba yun o bad.
hindi ko na lang iisipin. basta kung anong nararamdaman, hahayaan ko na lang.
* * *
sunod nang sunod sa kin yung pusa ko.
gusto kong isipin na ginagawa nya yon kasi mahal na nya ko, pero knowing cats, alam ko namang alam kasi nya kung sino ang nagpapakain sa kanya.
utilitarian ang mga pusa. user-friendly at walang loyalty. pero love ko pa rin sila, kasi ang ganda ganda nilang tingnan.
lalo na to:
sleep, bluey sleep.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
ibigay nyo NA!!!
hay. ang daldal ko kasi, nabuyag tuloy.
indefinitely postponed ang baguio work-related trip.
pero syet, ibigay nyo na sa kin. IBIGAY NYO NA!!!
it's the only way i could ever find the smallest fulfillment in this mundane thing we're doing.
* * *
IBIGAY NYO NA RIN ang natitirang sweldo namin sa project RR. parang awa nyo na. malaking ginhawa yon if it reaches my hands. it will give my mom something that would bring a smile to her face.
may meeting with the bosses daw sa thu o fri. Serendra, The Fort. soshal. kung yung ipang-aalmusal don eh ipambabayad na lang sa mga tao e di sana mas maraming masaya. pero flattered ako. kasi ako lang yata ang sinama na hindi bossing. on the other hand ibig lang sabihin non ako ang magiging sekretarya sa meeting (buti na lang bumili na ko ng bagong pilot sign pen). sana yung AD na lang ang inimbayt, tutal sya naman ang AD. ang layo kaya ng bahay ko sa bwitreng Da Fort, at alas-9 ng umaga noh!
pero wow, ano kayang magiging almusal sa Serendra? for sure it would beat the usual tuyo and pritong itlog na hinahain sa min sa mga shoots.
* * *
i long to travel, to go to a new far-off place.
hindi ko na kinagat yung tour daw ng short film namin ni dennis, for some reason. kasi unahan daw ang mga filmmakers sa pag-sign up. wala ako sa competitive mood noon. at kung sakali mang magka-slot for me, wala din ako sa mood na dumaldal tungkol sa pelikulang yon sa harap ng maraming tao. two years ago na kasi, nakalimutan ko na nga kung ano bang tema at tungkol ba sya saan, baka magmukha lang akong hindi alam ang sinasabi.
gusto ko ng bagong lugar. yung may beach, o yung malamig. sosyal lalo kung may snow. haha. pero yung bisita lang. hindi magtatagal. at yung ako pa ang babayaran for going there.
o pwede din na hindi ako bayaran, basta hindi lang ako gagastos.
* * *
nung last taping day, nasa nasugbu kami. walang beach. mas tagaytay yung feel nya. ang lamig nung gabi. dahil wala naman akong ginagawa pag nagsesetup sila, ninanamnam ko na lang yung malamig na hangin. sarap!
me gagawin pala si erstwhile Favorite Direk na pelikula this july. naka-oo na ko na magko-continuity, kaso rival company pala ng so-called Home Studio yung magpo-produce. no no pwede. di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin na hindi na ko makakasama. kakahiya kasi.
tsaka kung IBIBIGAY NILA yung gusto ko sa reality show, mas pipiliin ko yon. malamang for the whole month of july ang tapings, might even stretch to august. kaya please, IBIGAY NYO NA!!!
* * *
nag-text back na yung field cashier. wala pa daw yung sweldo sa project RR, hanap pa daw funding. pffft. hay. napakamundane ng mga pinagsusulat ko dito. na-miss ko lang mag-rant sa mga walang kawawaan.
indefinitely postponed ang baguio work-related trip.
pero syet, ibigay nyo na sa kin. IBIGAY NYO NA!!!
it's the only way i could ever find the smallest fulfillment in this mundane thing we're doing.
* * *
IBIGAY NYO NA RIN ang natitirang sweldo namin sa project RR. parang awa nyo na. malaking ginhawa yon if it reaches my hands. it will give my mom something that would bring a smile to her face.
may meeting with the bosses daw sa thu o fri. Serendra, The Fort. soshal. kung yung ipang-aalmusal don eh ipambabayad na lang sa mga tao e di sana mas maraming masaya. pero flattered ako. kasi ako lang yata ang sinama na hindi bossing. on the other hand ibig lang sabihin non ako ang magiging sekretarya sa meeting (buti na lang bumili na ko ng bagong pilot sign pen). sana yung AD na lang ang inimbayt, tutal sya naman ang AD. ang layo kaya ng bahay ko sa bwitreng Da Fort, at alas-9 ng umaga noh!
pero wow, ano kayang magiging almusal sa Serendra? for sure it would beat the usual tuyo and pritong itlog na hinahain sa min sa mga shoots.
* * *
i long to travel, to go to a new far-off place.
hindi ko na kinagat yung tour daw ng short film namin ni dennis, for some reason. kasi unahan daw ang mga filmmakers sa pag-sign up. wala ako sa competitive mood noon. at kung sakali mang magka-slot for me, wala din ako sa mood na dumaldal tungkol sa pelikulang yon sa harap ng maraming tao. two years ago na kasi, nakalimutan ko na nga kung ano bang tema at tungkol ba sya saan, baka magmukha lang akong hindi alam ang sinasabi.
gusto ko ng bagong lugar. yung may beach, o yung malamig. sosyal lalo kung may snow. haha. pero yung bisita lang. hindi magtatagal. at yung ako pa ang babayaran for going there.
o pwede din na hindi ako bayaran, basta hindi lang ako gagastos.
* * *
nung last taping day, nasa nasugbu kami. walang beach. mas tagaytay yung feel nya. ang lamig nung gabi. dahil wala naman akong ginagawa pag nagsesetup sila, ninanamnam ko na lang yung malamig na hangin. sarap!
me gagawin pala si erstwhile Favorite Direk na pelikula this july. naka-oo na ko na magko-continuity, kaso rival company pala ng so-called Home Studio yung magpo-produce. no no pwede. di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin na hindi na ko makakasama. kakahiya kasi.
tsaka kung IBIBIGAY NILA yung gusto ko sa reality show, mas pipiliin ko yon. malamang for the whole month of july ang tapings, might even stretch to august. kaya please, IBIGAY NYO NA!!!
* * *
nag-text back na yung field cashier. wala pa daw yung sweldo sa project RR, hanap pa daw funding. pffft. hay. napakamundane ng mga pinagsusulat ko dito. na-miss ko lang mag-rant sa mga walang kawawaan.
Monday, July 07, 2008
will love be enough?
i got this quote from a multiply:
"there is no money in filmmaking. only love for the cinema, and respect for co-artists."
if there's only love and no money, will love be enough?
the best solution as i see it now is to get the money from elsewhere.
i've had this conversation with myself years ago. and formulated my plan: to get the money from somewhere that was close to what i loved to do. and do what i love to do on the side.
somehow the "day jobs" drowned out the thing that i was supposed to do "on the side". and encouraged the coward in me. you need love and money to survive. the love was there but it was never really sated; and the money that was supposed to fill in the emptiness just wasn't enough. and i mean figures-speaking. so it was probably a stupid move, to stick to it, to have had the misconception that i could compromise, and marry my two mistresses, and come out halfway happy.
if you want money, get it elsewhere. not in making films.
dahil sabi nga nila, there is no money in filmmaking. whatever position you're in.
love will not be enough. you need to be brave enough, too. to churn it out. to actually do it. it's one thing to dream and another thing to do something about it.
there is no straight line to the fulfillment of a dream. no easy way up. no stepping stones, no surefire plans, no scholarships that would ensure you'll get There.
in the final analysis, it really is ALL.UP.TO YOU.
for all the world cares. you can make money from stockbrokering during the day and make your films during the night. in the end, you fulfill your two needs.
on the other hand, you can slave away in the same field, thinking that you are on the right track. getting yourself misled, misdirected. mistaking one for the other.
and end up with nothing but regrets.
* * *
love will not be enough. but didn't they say that if you love something enough, you will want to do everything to get it?
so maybe that's something to think about, too.
ewan ko. confused ako. for the first time in a long time, hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko.
* * *
love for something versus love for someone. it doesn't have to be that way, but if it has to be that way, the choice would probably be easy.
or maybe not.
i don't know.
just sorting out thoughts.
"there is no money in filmmaking. only love for the cinema, and respect for co-artists."
if there's only love and no money, will love be enough?
the best solution as i see it now is to get the money from elsewhere.
i've had this conversation with myself years ago. and formulated my plan: to get the money from somewhere that was close to what i loved to do. and do what i love to do on the side.
somehow the "day jobs" drowned out the thing that i was supposed to do "on the side". and encouraged the coward in me. you need love and money to survive. the love was there but it was never really sated; and the money that was supposed to fill in the emptiness just wasn't enough. and i mean figures-speaking. so it was probably a stupid move, to stick to it, to have had the misconception that i could compromise, and marry my two mistresses, and come out halfway happy.
if you want money, get it elsewhere. not in making films.
dahil sabi nga nila, there is no money in filmmaking. whatever position you're in.
love will not be enough. you need to be brave enough, too. to churn it out. to actually do it. it's one thing to dream and another thing to do something about it.
there is no straight line to the fulfillment of a dream. no easy way up. no stepping stones, no surefire plans, no scholarships that would ensure you'll get There.
in the final analysis, it really is ALL.UP.TO YOU.
for all the world cares. you can make money from stockbrokering during the day and make your films during the night. in the end, you fulfill your two needs.
on the other hand, you can slave away in the same field, thinking that you are on the right track. getting yourself misled, misdirected. mistaking one for the other.
and end up with nothing but regrets.
* * *
love will not be enough. but didn't they say that if you love something enough, you will want to do everything to get it?
so maybe that's something to think about, too.
ewan ko. confused ako. for the first time in a long time, hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko.
* * *
love for something versus love for someone. it doesn't have to be that way, but if it has to be that way, the choice would probably be easy.
or maybe not.
i don't know.
just sorting out thoughts.
Friday, July 04, 2008
tita shirley
nakadilat na daw si manong. :-)
pero nakakamangha yung balitang 27 minutes daw syang declared dead, tapos bumalik sya. hindi ko alam kung out of danger na sya ngayon, but i'm maintaining my hopes that he will be truly safe.
hindi kami close, pero somehow na-bother talaga ko sa nangyari sa kanya.
* * *
someone sent me news on my multiply tonight that shirley batulan has passed away. si shirley batulan, isa syang stage actress na minsan kong pinagkautangan ng loob. umarte kasi sya sa thesis film ko eight years ago, for free. promise ko sa sarili ko noon na pag naging certified working director na ko, isasama ko lagi sa mga directing rackets ko ang mga naging artista ko sa thesis, and this time around babayaran sila in full. over the years nabigyan ko si tita shirley ng dalawa o tatlong rackets pero feeling ko hindi ko pa rin sya nabayaran ng sapat. pero sobrang bait nya, dahil hindi sya nagrereklamo. napakabait, at buong buo ang suporta nya.
ngayon wala na pala sya. nakakagulat, dahil wala pa yata syang 60. at nung huli kaming magkita, ang healthy healthy nya. ni hindi ko man lang natupad yung promise kong isama sya sa mga pelikulang gagawin ko, dahil naghihingalo na din yung pangarap kong yun. baka sumunod na nga rin sya kay tita shirley.
tita shirley, i hope you're happy where you are now. sobrang salamat talaga. i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you before you left.
pero nakakamangha yung balitang 27 minutes daw syang declared dead, tapos bumalik sya. hindi ko alam kung out of danger na sya ngayon, but i'm maintaining my hopes that he will be truly safe.
hindi kami close, pero somehow na-bother talaga ko sa nangyari sa kanya.
* * *
someone sent me news on my multiply tonight that shirley batulan has passed away. si shirley batulan, isa syang stage actress na minsan kong pinagkautangan ng loob. umarte kasi sya sa thesis film ko eight years ago, for free. promise ko sa sarili ko noon na pag naging certified working director na ko, isasama ko lagi sa mga directing rackets ko ang mga naging artista ko sa thesis, and this time around babayaran sila in full. over the years nabigyan ko si tita shirley ng dalawa o tatlong rackets pero feeling ko hindi ko pa rin sya nabayaran ng sapat. pero sobrang bait nya, dahil hindi sya nagrereklamo. napakabait, at buong buo ang suporta nya.
ngayon wala na pala sya. nakakagulat, dahil wala pa yata syang 60. at nung huli kaming magkita, ang healthy healthy nya. ni hindi ko man lang natupad yung promise kong isama sya sa mga pelikulang gagawin ko, dahil naghihingalo na din yung pangarap kong yun. baka sumunod na nga rin sya kay tita shirley.
tita shirley, i hope you're happy where you are now. sobrang salamat talaga. i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you before you left.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
manong, i hope you get well soon
we're really worried about you. i so badly hope you get out of danger soon.
he suffered a heart attack the other day and was in a coma yesterday. sabi nila 50-50pa rin daw ngayon. pagdasal natin na ma-save si manong.
he suffered a heart attack the other day and was in a coma yesterday. sabi nila 50-50pa rin daw ngayon. pagdasal natin na ma-save si manong.
i heart baguio!
and i've made a pact with myself (starting tonight) that i should go there every year.
next week (or the week after next), i will. most probably (sana walang kumontra). for work. excited ako! love the weather, love the pines, love the mornings and waking up to the scent of fresh mountain air. sana lang sa impending visit hindi ako saniban ng kung anong maligno (ayoko!) dahil magshushoot kami sa isang haunted place.
pagpunta namin don, sana sa project na to iba na ang job designation ko. pray pray! sana wag mabulilyaso!
happy na siguro ako sa ganitong buhay. happy-happy.
basta matupad lang ang pinramis sa kin. :-)
* * *
diplomat hotel. awoooo.
naaalala ko nung unang punta ko ng baguio. 8 years old ako non. my most vivid memory was the view outside our window when i woke up on our first morning in the city--fog was so thick, i could hardly see the trees outside.
and then there was session road. one afternoon nabasa kami ng mama ko sa ulan (it was june) and i experienced my first "shiver"--literally, nangangatog ako. we walked the streets and there was this sidewalk stand selling inihaw na mais with butter dripping all over it. we bought two. sarap.
my second visit there would be more than a decade later, in 2004. a real estate trip, a quickie thingie. mas mahaba pa yung binyahe namin kesa nilagi namin dun. but that was when i realized na andami palang guwapo sa baguio. haha.
later that year, bumalik ako. for work. we were going to shoot N@sa@n k@ m@n. we stayed there for weeks. we shot in the mountains, at night. my most vivid memory was me sneaking out of the set for a moment to go to minesview park (it was just a walk away) to buy pasalubong. we had just been given our paychecks by that time. i bought the usual--peanut brittle, ube halaya, choco mallows--but it was a happy moment. because at that time i felt that i was spending money that was hard-earned.
in 2005, i went to Baguio on a whim, with a bunch of friends, for a getaway weekend. fantastic! we stayed at the Igorot Lodge. coffee, talks, boating at burnham's man-made lake, traversing a really creepy deserted road in Camp John Hay at midnight, "partying" with the artsykewlies of Pine City in "ohmygulay". i loved it. lalo kong minahal sina mich, ted, and monj (sana kasama namin si maryrose!) because of this trip.
2006, i got the chance to go back for the Baguio Bold Movie. haha. huwaw. lotsa memories. shooting a blow job scene in the mountains. the chalet-type of house we stayed in (beautiful!). a cemetary at sunset in the outskirts of the city (see top photo!). i especially loved this visit. it was memorable in so many ways.
and then last year's trip. walking along a really dark street on a drizzly night. eating jollibee, one-day-old, and tuknene in one sumptuous dinner. going to minesview to sit and watch the stars with someone you love. aww.
hay. sana matuloy talaga ang susunod kong baguio trip.
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