HAAAY

I just realized that this hugot-ng-hininga kind of expression could mean so many different things, depende sa araw sitwasyon at mindset ko.

Pwedeng HAAAAY, di pa ko tapos. HAAAAY, wala ako sa mood. HAAAAY, ang dami pa and my deadline is closing in on me again. HAAAAY, late na naman ako.

ito ang klase ng HAAAAY na ayoko.

Pwede ring HAAAAAY, salamat. natapos ko na rin ang script. HAAAAY, salamat, nakapasa naman daw ako sa pagsubok ng aming creative head. HAAAAAY, salamat lord, na-extend ang deadline namin to 5pm tomorrow. (bilang 20 sequences to go pa ko til completion, at meron pang hindi maitawid sa utak). ito naman ang mga klase ng HAAAAY na gusto ko. not necessarily in that order.

kaya ngayon, pagka-press ko ng "SEND" sa email at 9pm (4 hours away from deadline. i know, i know. dapat ginagarote na ako), isang malaking HAAAAY na hugot talaga sa baga ang pinakawalan ko. after the uber-haggard past week, finally, wala na kong iisipin this week. knock on wood. sana.

sana naman, next time na mag-HAAAAAY ako, ito naman ang ibig sabihin.

HAAAAY mabuti naman at binayaran kami sa spill week ng show namin. HAAAAY salamat may christmas bonus na. HAAAAAY salamat may dagdag kita from the bloody past week i had gone through. HAAAAAY salamat at may pambili na ng mga ireregalo...may pang-noche buena na...may pera para i-finance ang isang maligayang pasko.

sana. sana. HAAAY.

* * *

THINGS TO DO:
1. karirin ang restaurant city.
2. hanguin ang mga niluto sa cafe world.
3. tiyagain ang farm sa farmtown.
4. panoorin ang episode ng k@torse kanina sa pinoychannel.tv.
5. kumain.
6. maligo.
7. manood ng pilot ng fullhouse (as in, ngayon na).

ayan. happy monthsary sa amin ng bosobear kong cutie cute cute.

* * *

masaya naman ang binyag ng anak ng headwriter ko kagabi. nag-cram nga lang ako ng panreregalo pero at least nakahabol. at kahit hindi ako makakain nang maayos despite the yummy handa, masaya na rin dahil kasama ko si bosobear at ang mga co-writers ko. at lalong masaya dahil na-extend ang deadline cause of the binyag. kasi kung na-retain ang old deadline, siguradong hindi lang ako LATE. LATE na LATE na LATE.

kasi naman, inuna ko muna yung draft 3 ng week14 day 5. major revision yung last 2 bodies, kaya nagsusulat na ang mga co-writers ko ng week 15, stuck in week 14 pa rin ako. waaah. friday na ng gabi ko naisubmit ang week 14 day 5 draft 3. at saturday night ko na lang talaga nasimulan nang matino ang week 15 script ko.

kaya ayun. naghapit. nang sobra sobra sobra.

ikaw naman kasi gabby. ang hirap mong itawid. next time tulungan mo ako, wag mo akong pahirapan. pero labs kita. challenge kang mokong ka.

nood na ko fullhouse!!!

whoppin whirlwind week.

5:34 am. done with my quota for the night. sleep, din bukas uli. deadline for day 5 of week 14: tomorrow night. deadline for day 1 of week 15: monday morning.

alam ko hindi na ako dapat lumabas ng sabado ng gabi. pero kailangan. bukod pa sa namimiss ko ang oso ko, baka magalit na siya. maiinis ako kung hindi sya magagalit. haha.

so here i am, counting backwards again.

THURSDAY, NOV. 26. woke up at past 1. nakipag-haggle sa deadline. sabi ng EP, ano kaya ba tonight ang revisions? tataya na ako ng double unit ha? translated to mean: pag hindi mo nasubmit ang revisions tonight, it will cost the production and you will be responsible for it. after much self-delilberation, i committed.

so buong maghapon, gabi, at madaling araw akong nagklick-klick-klack. day 1 ang pinakamahirap for me. paisa-isa kong sinasubmit ang mga natatapos kong scripts. naloloka sa akin ang kausap kong taga-prod. pero masaya naman ako na somehow naiintindihan nila. i'm not my headwriter, kaya mas may pasensya sila.

by 5:30 am, naisubmit ko na ang nai-commit kong apat na revised draft 3. lord, please, sana wag nang bumalik sa akin. hindi ko na alam kung anong itsura nya. kung nagme-make sense ba sya. wala na akong alam. basta tinry ko na lang gawin ang minimum na nire-require nila, given the limited time.

WEDNESDAY, NOV 25. preprod scene-per-scene meeting for the raket. after 2 hours, diretso sa bahay ng headwriter ko for week 15 lockin. in between these two events, nakatanggap ako ng mga comments from our creative head re: week 14 draft 2. nanlumo ako. pagharap ko sa headwriter ko that night, lalo akong nanlumo. kasi sabi nya major revisions daw as far as she is concerned. waaah.

i failed the test. yun ang tumatak sa utak ko. pero strangely, during those moments, wala akong sense of loss. para bang naka-mind set na ko from the very start na i wasn't entitled to anything. i never really expected to actually pass with flying colors.

EP called later that night and i negotiated for a deadline. then a talk with creative head somehow lifted me up from my slump. pasalamat daw ako na hindi structural ang revisions. parang nabanggit pa nga nya yung magic word: "minor". potah. parang gusto kong tumalon. lumukso ang dugo ko. gusto kong ipaulit sa kanya. sir, minor po ba ang revisions? did that mean i didn't totally fail?

sobrang comforting ang conversation na yon. kasi sya yung nagsabi sa akin sa simula, "don't let me down". i SO BADLY HOPE i didn't let him down, pero sa ngayon immaterial na yung concern na yon. what is done is done. so bahala na si batman. basta masaya ako where i am. sa ngayon, kontento na ako sa safe haven which is the life of a member of my headwriter's team. pero kung ia-uproot nila ko, kung sakaling ma-bless ako ng ganong chance, okay din lang. wala naman yan sa mga kamay ko, at hindi rin isa sa mga super fervent wishes ko. kasi parang hirap pa ako, kaya malamang hindi pa ako hinog for the primetime warzone. everything has its own time.

TUESDAY, NOV 24. tapos ko ang day 5 draft 2 by around 7:30 pm. uber late. waaah. pero nakahinga ako nang maluwag, dahil 5th night of my marathon lock-in-with-myself sa bahay ng headwriter ko ay tapos na. nakapag-dinner na ako nang walang iniintindi (at that moment). kinuha ko na si keanna the cat sa buntisan center. na-miss ko ang pusa ko. sobra.

MONDAY, NOV 23. nasimulan ko na ang draft 5 liners, gabi na. kasi buong maghapon lost ako. nagdadasal for brilliance. kahit sandali lang. kahit 3 hours lang, just a drop of brilliance to get me through the last script. kasi entirely new script sya. wala akong magagamit sa 1st drafts. nag-SOS na ko sa lahat. sa mga co-writers ko. sa mga writer friends ko. sa pamilya ko. i asked for prayers. i asked for suggestions. buong maghapon sobrang tense ako. because MONDAY was deadline day. parang 1pm ko na yata naisubmit ang day 4 ko na ginawa ko habang sabaw ang utak ko. sobrang ayaw ko sya, pero strangely, yun pa ang ang nagustuhan ng headwriter ko. at yung mga scripts na nadalian akong gawin with a sound mind, yun pa ang ayaw nya. weird.

SUNDAY, NOV 22. gusto ko nang umuwi. natapos ko ang days 2 and 3 nang mabilis pero stuck ako forever sa day 4. halos entirely new din sya. at pagdating na ng madaling araw, ayaw nang gumana ng utak ko. sabi ng headwriter ko, kulay gray na daw ang kulay ko. gusto ko nang umiyak. gusto ko nang umuwi. gusto ko nang mag-give up. sabi ko sa headwriter ko, hindi ko na po kaya. pero nase-sense ko na ayaw nyang pumayag. ayaw nyang tapusin ang nasimulan ko. so wala akong choice kundi sige lang. ipagpatuloy kung hangga'ng saan abutin ng deadline. at this point i never really thought i'd be able to finish all five days.

SATURDAYU, NOV 21. stuck in day 1. parang dalawang araw na ako sa day 1. everytime bumababa sa den ang headwriter ko para kumustahin ako, puros "day 1 pa rin po" ang nairereport ko sa kanya. kasi ang day 1, entirely new din. waaah. ito yung sobrang entirely new, worse than 4 or 5. at this point i knew, it would take a miracle para matapos ko ito. the miracle had been an extended deadline. thank you lord jesus for the miracle.

FRIDAY, NOV 20. day 1 blues. 1st night ko sa bahay ng headwriter ko. takot na takot ako sa impending work to be done. kaya mega-consult ako with every step. takot magkamali. praying, praying, praying.


okay. may pagpapatuloy pa ang whoppin whirlwind days ko. dahil may bukas pa for Week 14 Day 5 draft 3 at sunday for Week 15 Day 1 draft 1. lord help me. i need my saturday night off, kahit practical me would surely stay home and keep writing. pero 2 weeks na kaming di nagkikita ng oso ko. wawa naman sya. pag busy ka hindi mo nararamdaman ang mga araw sa pagitan ng bawat pagkikita. pero sabi ng utak mo, hoy, kailangan mong maramdaman.

kaya nami-miss kita. sobrang miss kita. kahit ang buong pagkatao ko, nasa trabaho ngayon, there will always be a little window in my schedule for you.

3 hours to go

said na. said na.

it's my 3rd night here. done with 3 revised scripts. down to 2 and they're both looking like major work to me. and i'm in one of those bobo moments. how lucky.

nate-tense ako sa deadline. kaya di ako makaisip. i hate it when it's like that. i hate it. di ko matatapos lahat. di ako super. kung di ko kaya, malamang di ko pa panahon. bigyan nyo ko ng time to revise. a little more time, just a little more.

give me brilliance, lord. kahit momentary lang. just for this one. thank you for getting me past the 1st 3. thank you. just a little more energy and a drop of brilliance. para lumiwanag lahat. para malaman ko kung ano ang gagawin.

kasi yung dalawang susunod, kailangan ng oras. and that luxury aint affordable for me at this time. pero gusto kong mahiga at pumikit at matulog.

lord. i need a miracle. please, please help me. please.

kung ang mga araw ko ngayon ay eksena sa isang soap

INT. HEADWRITER'S HOUSE. DAY/NIGHT.

Magtatype. Magyoyosi. Tutunganga. Habang nakatunganga, maririnig ang MALAKAS NA PAGTICKTOCK ng relo sa isang sulok, and in these dreary hours ume-echo sa utak ang mga unforgettable lines from the past three days.

i'm counting on you.
it's like a song. it's your song.
break mo, kagatin mo.


Mapapamura. Wala nang Pag-asa pero putangina. Lalaban tayo. Hindi tayo titigil. Gagawin natin hanggang saan tayo aabutin ng putanginang kontrabidang deadline. magte-taping na sila. ang hirap pala ng trabaho ng headwriter ko. ito ang dinadaan nya every single week of those past 13 weeks.


Gusto ko na lang magmura nang magmura. kasi gusto kong labanan yung takot ko. gusto kong sigawan ng putangina hindin ako papatalo sa yo hayop ka. lalaban ako.

at dahil isa itong soap kailangan magdrama ng ganito kahit sandali. pksyet.

i'm going to be alpha male for the f**in weekend

i was scared. hanggang ngayon takot pa rin ako. takot magkamali. takot sumablay.

tumawag ang headwriter ko kanina. may sakit daw sya at sinasuggest nya sa ep at head-of-creative namin na ako na muna ang mag-final draft. biglang lumamig ang dugo ko sa takot. salamat sa vote of confidence pero ayoko po. ayoko. malaking ayoko.

pwede din daw kasi na yung head-of-creative namin ang tumira. hinihintay lang nya ang sagot. kaya pagkababa ko ng phone sobrang nag-wish ako na sana sya na lang. dumaan ang ilang oras, halos nakahinga na ko nang maluwag. dahil mukhang hindi na nga ako ang pagagawin ng final draft.

matutulog na sana ko nang nagtext ang head-of-creative namin. gawin ko na daw. i jolted back up in bed. nagyelo ang dugo ko sa takot. putaena. noooo!

sabi ko lang, ok po. sabi nya, monday and deadline nyan, for taping. kaya ibuhos mo na ang lakas at galing mo dyan because i'm counting on you. right at that moment, gusto ko nang mamatay. oo, nagpapasalamat ako sa tiwala, pero takot na takot ako sa ganitong klaseng responsibility. dyos ko, bakit ako pa. dyos ko, bakit hindi na lang sya. siya naman ang nag-comment sa first drafts namin, siya na rin sana ang tumira. dyos ko, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. hindi ko pa to nagawa ever. hindi ko alam kung kaya ng bubot na powers ko.

diyos ko, diyos ko. tulungan nyo ko. please, tulungan nyo ko!

* * *

after one yosi and a banana nagpaka-alpha male mode ako. kelangan mataas ang self-confidence at malakas ang sense of competition. kahit wala namang ka-competition kundi sarili ko rin lang. kasi ang alpha male, he welcomes these kinds of challenges. it revs him up. it makes him want to conquer and win. so HELLO, miss i-have-to-win, are you still there? kelangan kita nang bonggang bongga. kaya natin to. kasi hindi pwedeng hindi! tanggalin ang negative thoughts! i'll just have to wing it and deliver, because i have no other choice.

para kasing may threat yung "i'm counting on you" nya. parang may silent na karugtong na "don't let me down". waaaah. i'm so afraid to let them down. pero di ko na iisipin yon! I WILL DO THIS! AND DO THIS FRIGGIN WELL!

si alpha male, iisipin nya na ito na ang break na hinihintay nya. ito na ang pagkakataon para ma-discover nilang lahat na may ibubuga siya. it's precisely circumstances like this where little people like me stumble upon the chance to shine. yun ang makikita ni alpha male, kaya he'll be ready to fight, gawdangit. so instead of seeing this as a daunting, terrifying responsibility, iisipin ko na lang, this could be my chance to prove that i can do it.

I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! BRING IT ON! TARA, TIRAHIN NA NATIN YAN! HINDI AKO NATATAKOT DYAN! KAYANG-KAYA KO YAN!!!!


WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SO HELP ME GOD! PLEASE HELP ME GOD. PLEASE.

* * *

wala akong weekend. no bosobear day this week. malungkot ako, pero sa ngayon, it's the least of my concerns. mabuti naman yon, para ma-miss naman nya ko.

sisimulan ko na! gogogogo!

shrug

in fairness sa mga scripts na nabasa ko from a new side project, nae-educate ako sa economics ng daily life. haha. i shouldn't be spending more than what i'm earning, kaya nagi-guilty ako ngayon, dahil IN HEAT ang pusa ko pero wala ako sa (financial) position para gumastos ng P800 para dalhin sya sa siamese stud service. at kahit na pumayag ang stud service na P400 muna ang i-downpayment ko, i really shouldn't be spending that much money dahil isang linggo away pa ang next sweldo.

kaso i shouldn't let this moment pass. baka bukas, wala na siya. kailangan ko nang ipakasta si keanna ngayon, or else yung pusakal na barako na naman sa labas ang bubuntis sa kanya.

kaya for the first time, i'm touching my savings account. waah. naisip ko kanina, di bale may raket namang paparating kaya kahit papano maibabalik ko naman ang "inutang" ko sa bangko. until nagtext ang line producer ko para sabihin na may problema sa schedules ng mga artista namin, at mukhang december 14 pa sila pwedeng magshoot. which might mean na mauunsyami ang inaasahan kong pa-christmas bonus ng raket na ito. syempre, that would be the least of my problems where this project is concerned, pero sad pa rin ako on the side dahil sa minor concern na yon.

naiinis din ako sa schedule ko sa day job dahil unpredictable sya. unconducive for rakets. not to say na hindi ako grateful. grateful ako. dahil nasa isang magandang posisyon ako ng buhay ko ngayon, career-wise. hindi magandang-maganda, dahil mahaba pa ang itatakbo ko, marami pa kong bigas na kakainin, kung baguio ang destinasyon ko eh nasa NLEX pa lang ako ngayon. pero masaya naman ako na ine-encourage akong umusad, at naaappreciate ng mga tao sa paligid ko ang effort at mileage na naibibigay ko so far.

kaya salamat, lord, salamat. i wish i can give more. i wish can do so much more. please help me.

so ngayon may appointment ako ng alas-3 sa magiging kapartner ni keanna. at 230 na hindi pa ko naliligo. bwitre. kagabi lang ako nakakumpleto ng tulog since my last script submission kaya bumubwelo pa lang ako, pero ang daming dapat gawin for the raket. waaah.

kaya gusto ko munang i-erase ang ibang bagay na nakakapagpalungkot sa akin ngayon, lalo na yung mga bagay na hindi naman kasalanan ng ibang tao. three years ago i would just shrug it off pero iba na ang mga bagay-bagay ngayon. that doesn't mean i can't shrug it off, still. dahil lagi naman tayong may choice. at pagdating sa feelings at pag-iisip, wala namang pwede makaalam (at makakakontrol) noon kundi ako lang.

i'm upset and it seems illogical to be upset. if you ask me why, ni hindi ko masasagot kung bakit. at dahil kahit ako mismo wala akong magawa sa nararamdaman ko, i feel helpless and frustrated that i feel this way dahil wala rin naman akong magagawa about me and the situation, i'm just shrugging off everything for now. dahil marami pang dapat gawin. marami pang ibang dapat problemahin.

sabi nga sa nabasa kong script, don't spend more than what you're earning. come to think of it, matagal ko nang alam yan at matagal ko na ring ina-aaply sa buhay ko, hindi nga lang sa pera. haha.

the stress started wednesday and will end today.

WEDNESDAY.
early part of wednesday was somekinda sad. i don't know why. maybe because of the palpitating heart. maybe it was the heat, and having to walk to the bank from the company building in a dress for all to see, under a semi-blistering sun (hindi ako sanay maglakad mag-isa ng naka-dress. weirdly, i feel naked). during the brainstorm meeting i'd felt that i was mentally facing a blank wall most of the time. week 14 is so damn hard for a palpitating heart.

i've always hated making tambay at the neighborhood istarbaks when i'm not with friends or the writing team. there are always too many bigwig people there. i feel diminutive. literally, and else. but that afternoon in the company of non-smokers, i had to smoke outside alone, and people just kept passing by. for some reason, parang nasa takot-sa-tao mode ako. ayokong mag-hi or hello, either out of shyness or fear of coming out as awkward.

naisip ko, later that night i would have to deal with more stuff like this at the grandmama's party. kaya ayoko nang pumunta. pero hindi nga kami nag-brainstorm that night para lang makapunta, nakakahiya namang hindi pumunta. kaya pumunta na lang ako with everyone else.

nasilaw ako sa sobrang pagkastar-studded ng party na yon. i was a wallflower in the company of wallflowers at the Anti-Social table, at ilang beses na ngang dumaan si grandmama para sabihan kami na "makihalubilo naman", at may isang flamboyant gay dude from the unit's promo dept na may "prayer meeting" sa table namin. haha. it felt comforting, to have recluses for company. i felt normal.

high-profile parties, hate 'em. hindi pa nga daw high-profile ang party na iyon ni grandmama, unlike his past ones. pero just the same, the guest list was littered with glittering names. kulang na lang mag-show up sina brad pitt at angelina jolie.

feeling ko talaga hindi ko cup of tea ang showbiz, pero di ko alam kung bakit sobrang flattered ako nang lumapit sa kin at bumeso sina z2njoe, vh0ng, at j@son abal0s. flattered, dahil naaalala pa nila ko. at dahil sikat sila. haha. ayoko sa showbiz pero di ba may pagka-showbiz din yung reaction kong iyon!?

di naman ako nasa-starstruck nang ganito nung nasa productin ako. siguro kasi dahil katrabaho ko ang mga artista. pero sa trabaho ngayon, perks of the job ang ma-meet ang artista. kaya siguro nasa-starstruck ako. or something.

we left the party at around 2 and went straight to a funeral. yup, from party to funeral, on that same night. the father of a writer died so we dropped by to pay our last respects.

tapos nagmidnight snack kami sa isang pizza place para "magpagpag". got home at 4, with a huge headache.

on the way home may pinabaon sa akin ang boss ko that was the perfect nightcap. nothing tangible, just words. just enough for me to want to go on, and keep on til i'm there.

THURSDAY.

lockin. was hyper til 12 then the energy just plunged down til the wee hours of dawn. may lagnat, masakit ulo.

realization of the day: i really should just live and let live.

another nugget was dropped on my lap by my boss. i love her. i don't know if she meant to do it, or even if she meant to do it, i don't know if i can pull it through. cowardly, un-self-confident me. pero bahala na.

was home by 630 am.

FRIDAY.

deadline this monday. wanted to go to cabanatuan but i realized that my script will need some serious attention this time. so i just viewed all the student film entries that the Dep Ed film festival in cabanatuan had sent me. today ko lang binuksan yung LBS bag and was surprised to know na more than fifteen short films pala ang dapat kong panoorin. taenie. so sinimulan ko ng alas-3 at hindi ako tumigil til 3 am. WHEW.

realization of the day: i really should just forget that some people exist when i'm not around them so that i won't miss them at all.

big fat HMPF.

tomorrow i'm off to the mall. will be pinching some chubby boy's cheeks.





FRIDAY.

stress wednesday?

sana naman wag. dapat ngayon naliligo na ako for the 3pm meeting. pero adik e. pagkatapos ng meeting, may party. kakainis na may meeting pa before the party, pero ganun talaga e. first time ko pa namang umattend na birthday party ng bagong grandmama ko. bongga daw ang mga parties nya, the stuff of legend.

reclusive mode still on. i'd really much rather stay home tonight. kaso paminsan-minsan lang magkaroon ng pagkakataong lumabas and to live life. most of the time cyber-world, bahay, at bahay ng headwriter ko lang ang mundo ko. malay ko, magiging masaya pala mamaya. may something i can write about, soon or someday.

nagpa-palpitate ako. magde-dress daw kami for the party tonight. i need to pluck my legs. i'm so late. and so inane. hay.

a big F*** Y*** to all that.

you have no other audience but you-know-who. everything else is just in the periphery, so to hell with all that.

* * *

another day, another lock-in. it's that time of the week. as i write i'm running later than usual. scripting over the weekend, a trip out of town to squeeze in between. sigh. lord help me with schedules. i miss giving a long long hug to my bosobear.

* * *

damn. i used to think i have a taste for showbiz but last night changed all that. i've realized that i ACTUALLY HATE showbiz and i am built for the reclusive, anti-social life of a person who writes. there are moments when i just wish i could be invisible.

* * *

peacocks are for the zoo. so don't join the zoo. be careful what you are contemptuous of, you just might become them. in the long run. NO.

* * *

i saw astroboy. i don't like the movie but i like the character astroboy. i want to have a son like him someday.

* * *

I NEED TO LOSE F***N WEIGHT. I'M LUMPY ALL OVER. ARGH!

downtime...

...and i have a feeling that in a matter of two or three days, it's about to end. oh, i couldn't be happier about that. rest days are fine but if they stretch on for too long, boredom--or some semblance of it--sets in. i find myself fidgeting, like a leaf from the whirlwind. you hate the whirlwind when it's there, when it's not you look for it. wait for it. kinda get torn between wanting and not wanting it.

i don't know if she was joking when she asked me if i wanted to do the final draft for the entire week, but i knew then--and i still know now---that to bite the bait would mean saying yes to a storm, not a mere whirlwind. i appreciate the little vote of confidence, but saying "game" to extra work is a little too much at this point for this little girl. it scares me as hell. though i know it shouldn't. but i know well enough to know that i don't need extra carcinogens in my body. mabuti na lang hindi pinilit. big sigh of relief.

sabi ko sa kanya, as we were walking along the company compound and gazing up at the big christmas lanterns in glowing company colors, at least this year masaya ang pasko ko. sabi nya, bakit? ah, kasi kasama mo kami?

(uh...yes. partly) opo. saka i'm here...writing. and i really meant it. kahit na nakakasaid ng fluid sa utak ang pagsusulat ng daily soap (kahit first drafts lang, haha), kahit na yung proseso na pinagdadaanan is not always nights of creative eureekas ("not always" is an, uh, understatement), i wouldn't exchange my job for anything else in the world right at the moment. not even directing. i love directing, but if i put all factors into consideration, writing is a healthy compromise for relative happiness in life. writing makes me happy. and somewhat stable. so at this point it doesn't really matter anymore if directing makes me happier.

kaya sobrang thank you ko sa diyos. because when i told her that my christmas last year sucked, i really meant it. of course it still had its blessings. i had my loved ones and family. i was in good health, and everyone i loved was in good health. but i was dead broke. i was buried in debt from my paglalagare of the last projects i'd taken in as script continuity and i couldn't even pay off my substitute. i couldn't even contribute anything significant to my family's christmas celebration, much less give them gifts. traveling outside during that christmas was frustrating. everything was just so happy and colorful and gay and there were so many beautiful things to buy, but i had no money. and i was at a career crossroad. the future had never been so uncertain but i knew in my heart that i didn't want to go back to my past again. kahit na may options being presented to me, tinigasan ko talaga ang resolve ko na hindi na ko babalik.

kaya knock on wood, sana, this christmas would be so much happier than last year's. i pray. i fervently pray.

on to other concerns. i hate being unreasonably angry. because i end up being angry at myself more than at the other person. pero minsan kasi kailangan mong ilabas. kahit isang outburst lang. tapos, okay ka na. you feel better, but you feel guilty at the same time. kasi feelings mo lang (na naman) ang inisip mo. kasi nilabas mo dun sa tao and unreasonable anger mo, at malamang nasaktan mo siya. o na-offend siya.

hindi ko mae-explain sa kanya kung bakit ako ganito, kaya magso-sorry na lang ako. and i would feel even worse, because "sorry" doesn't erase thing. you will be forgiven, pero better make sure hindi mo na uulitin. dahil mapagpasensya yung tao, hindi ulyanin. ako din ganon, kaya naiintindihan ko ang mga taong ganon. i easily forgive--and genuinely--but i don't forget. at least, my subconscious does not forget.

* * *

nabubwisit lang ako sa FB, dahil may isang tao don na SOBRANG kinamumuhian ko whose profile kept appearing in the FRIENDS YOU MAY KNOW section on the right side of the page. putangina, pwede bang i-turn off ang section na yon? makita ko pa lang ang nakangising pagmumukha ng asong yon nasisira na ang araw ko. eventually alam ko mapapatawad ko rin siya pero i need another year or two. sa ngayon naaalala ko pa nang bonggang-bongga ang makailang beses na pang-aapi na ginawa nya sa akin.

* * *

movie-marathon online. the other day i saw teeth. intriguing, novel concept, pero hilaw ang pelikula para sa akin. medyo mababaw. naging semi-horror/ (penis) slasher flick na lang sya, when it could have delved deeper into the material. kaso yung mga characters parang drowing lang. lalo na yung bidang babae. sana kung babae ang nagdirect at nagsulat malamang mas mabibigyan ng justice yung character ng babaeng my teeth ang vagina. haha, ang sexist ko pero totoo naman. :-)

88 minutes. al pacino thriller. lahat na lang red herrings. may mga logical inconsistencies sa kwento pero compelling watch siya para sa akin. kaso yung kontrabida sa dulo, hindi kayang makipag-face off sa dialogues with pacino. buwisit, gusto ko siyang palitan. HAHA. feeling ko mas kaya ko pang magtaray hahaha.

the hangover. na hindi ko natapos kasi hindi kumpleto ang pagkaka-download nung pinapanooran ko sa net. very interesting, from what i've seen so far.

batch '81. gusto kong manood ng pelikula to escape, kaya ayoko sanang manood ng pinoy movies. kasi pag dito rin sa pinas ang mundo ng pelikula parang hindi rin ako umeskapo. pero dahil intrigued talaga ako dito sa batch '81 pinanood ko na rin. not mike de leon's best work pero expectedly, okay na rin. naiirita lang ako kay sandy andolong na nagpapaka-conyo ang character pero laos naman sa pronuncieyyyshun. hehe.

riding in cars with boys. sana napanood ko to several weeks ago. tungkol kasi sya sa teenage mom na nabuntis at 15. sayang, kasi malaki na ang anak ni nene sa sinusulat namin ngayon for the teenage mama show. iba talaga pag ang writer, naranasan first-hand ang sinusulat nya. iba ang insight, sobrang totoo.

dvd-thon din when i'm not online. finally, i've seen (500) days of summer. not as life-changingly beautiful as it was hyped up to be, nagpapakaiba ang dating niya, pero in fairness. emotion-wise, it hits the target. it knows how to take care of the protagonist's emo-ing progression. hehe. kaya on the 500th day, nung makuha nya ang catharsis nya, naiyak ako sa nangyari sa kanya. siguro nga kung pinanood ko to eight years ago humagulgol ako nang sobra-sobra. lalo na yung line na sinabi nung babaeng bida na "one morning i woke up and i just knew...of what i was never sure of when i was with you." ang sakit-sakit non kung sinabi sa yo, pero somehow it will free you. it will put a period on things and somehow encourage you to let it go and move on. kaya sobrang gets ko kung bakit maraming taong makaka-relate sa kanya. it's a universal experience, trying to get over an ex. kasing-universal ng unrequited love. aww.

orphan. dati tinutukso ako ni bosobear na kamukha ko raw si orphan sa movie poster nya. sana mapanood nya to para makita nya kung gaano kami magkaiba ni orphan. kasi si orphan, orphan from hell! thrill-fest ang pelikulang to.

hay. bukas, manonood uli ako ng sine. alam ko dapat mga tv shows youtube ang pinapanood ko. para aralin. but watching tv shows reminds me of reality. gusto kong umeskapo sa pelikula. napapamahal na nga ata ako uli sa american culture dahil sa mga hollywood movies na pinapanood ko. hehe.

i love my keanna. i love taking care of her everyday. i love feeding her, and watching her sleep. at least kahit hindi ko madalas makita yung nagbigay sa kin sa kanya, si keanna lagi kong kasama. aww. meow.

1:42 am. maybe i can stay awake a little longer for another movie.

halloween night

six years ago, i was having one of the best halloween nights of me life. i was wading in the gays-in-black district of malate for the first time, with happy fellows, first-timers in malate, like me. masaya yun. hanggang ngayon, naaalala ko pa. every year, naaalala ko, tuwing magha-halloween.

ngayon, i crave for another halloween night out again. after so many years. i'd tried replicating that halloween night so many years ago but so far none has ever topped it. strangely when we were there at that time it was just...awkward, as how anything you'd do for the first time would normally feel. haha. and then we had coffee, and dun ko na-realize how fun it actually was, while having coffee after an awfully awkward first-time experience.

(sidenote: naaalala ko, it was also on THAT night when i learned from a friend na nabuntis ng rapper-dude crush ko yung gf nya. di ako umiyak. pero pinagluksa at pinag-celebrate ko ang news sa malate that night. hehe)

sana this year maulit yung ganong happiness. very soon. as in, two days from now.

* * *

pusang inamoy. inaatake na naman ako ng tamaritis.

malamig, masarap magtrabaho. i have two days. monday's the deadline. i have the liners now. bakit ang tamad-tamad ko?! lahat na ginawa ko except magsulat nang tuloy-tuloy. I HATE IT.

tapos, naje-jebs pa ko. but for some reason pati pagjebs pinu-put off ko. potah! ang script na to ay parang jebs. i have to just get it out of me to relieve myself.

basta nene, talk to me. keep talking to me.

kailangan kong ma-realize na magkaiba tayo ng magiging reaksyon sa mga bagay-bagay. hindi ako ikaw. hindi ka kasing-bitchy katulad ko. and in some cases, you would be passive. you would bow down. HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN, honestly. kasi in the same situation, i would fight for my rights. i would fight like hell. pero kung sabi ng headwriter ko ay ganon ka, despite the fact na ilang beses ko nang kinontest at ilang beses ko nang tina-try intindihin ang ganong klaseng pananaw, sige a-agree na lang ako. hindi ako nagrereklamo, ha. nilalabas ko lang. my boss would probably have a certain wisdom about these things that i should respect and acknowledge. so susubukan ko na lang na intindihin.

pero kung ako nga ikaw ne, potahenah. sasapakin ko na yang lalakeng yan e. at lalayas kami ng anak ko, gago sya!

hay. time is a-ticking. maybe i should take a laxative.

* * *

party. party, party!

na-guilty ako nung isulat ko yung previous entry. pero dahil sa encouragement na binigay ni W, parang gusto ko pang mag-angst. kasi marami pa over the past two years. hay, akalain mong ang isang tulad ko ay marami palang angst. tina-try ko na ngang maging sunshiney mahoney as much as i can. ehehe.

last year na lang, ang daming carcinogens na tinanggap ng katawan ko dahil sa stress at sama ng loob. wala akong sinisisi (except sa isang kaso na talaga namang hanggang ngayon, parang gusto kong paliguan ng mura yung taong kinamumuhian ko sa workplace last year. gusto ko siyang sulatan dito, pero baka puro bad words lang ang lamanin ng sulat na yon.). pero siguro hindi pa ito yung panahon para i-proseso ko sya. masaya ako e. i feel that i've been saved from that kind of life. and at this point i feel no discomfort, looking back, kasi wala namang bearing ang trauma na iyon sa present life ko. i actually feel happier each time i remember. happier than happy, that i don't have to experience that kind of thing anymore. thank you lord.

pero may mga bagay na may bearing pa rin sa present mo, mga multo na hanggang ngayon minumulto ka pa rin dahil somehow nakasawsaw ang isang parte ng present mo sa kanya.

looking back at 2008, though, dapat mas ganado ako ngayong magsulat, kasi nga, ito ang nag-save sa akin. during those dreary days i dreamed of being where i am now. kaya sobrang nagpapasalamat ako. sobra sobra. KAYA dapat, back to work na!!!!!

syet, ngayon inaantok naman ako. ang lamig, sarap matulog.