week 7 day 3 ongoing

in a perfect world, i'd take my time. make it as close to my version of perfect, nurture it like a mother gestating her own child.

pero ang realidad, there's no time to take. no time to waste. no time to catch "the mood" or whatever. time is gold and every minute counts, especially when the show is airing.  lagi kong pantasya ang daanan ang bawat scene-to-do na parang bagyo at magsubmit on time---or much better, before deadline. pantasya ko rin ang tirahin na lang nang tirahin without careful thought or consideration, at least for the first pass. matapos lang sya, mabuo lang sya. tapos itutulog ko sya. at kinabukasan, saka ako mageedit. i can take all the time that i need, kasi if worse comes to worst at kinailangan na nila ang script, may maisasubmit akong buo at kumpleto.

yun ang pangarap ko. because i would love a day off every week, thank you very much. but slowpokes and procrastinators and comfort-seeking creatures do not deserve days off. not when they have work to do and deadlines start to overlap one another.

between passing on time with mediocre work and passing late with work that you can call passable at the very least, ano ang mas magaan sa dibdib? dahil may cm naman na nagpapasada sa scripts ko siguro mas pracitcal nga to make deadlines my foremost priority. ok na yung di masyadong bonggang output basta may makukuha naman si cm at may enough time pa makapagprepare ang lahat to shoot it.

pero iba ang pakiramdam pag nakakalusot kay cm ang trabaho mo na hindi mo ikinatutuwa. pag napapanood mo sya at nalulugmok ka dahil pakramdam mo, panira. mabigat sa dibdib. di ko gusto. someday---after three or four or five more shows probably---makukuha ko rin ang relative bilis na kailangan at ang gandang nagniningning na kinauhuhumalingan. sana, sana.

hoy. magtrabaho ka na. 3 more script days. lets friggin GOGOGOGO

no rest for the slowpoke

week 6 done on friday night. week 7, begin asap. kahit wala pang directives.
kaloka ang life. so this is how it feels. ang tumao sa tindahan with only your boss bilang kasama. your world will revolve around the project. your life will be defined by deadlines. the project will be the last thing you think about at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. katatapos mo lang ng previous week, next week na agad ang iisipin mo.

but there are moments, rewarding moments, when i'm inside myself, immersed in the work, nakasakay sa jeep na umaarangkada. maraming nabubuo sa loob ng apat na sulok ng isang kwarto. maraming nabubuo nang di mo namamalayan. minsan ginagawa mo na lang sya on autopilot mode, pero by some miracle mas okay pa yung in-autopilot mo kesa dun sa kinarir mo. (subconscious writing? yun ba yun?). minsan maiisip mong bigla to throw in an element. and the element comes alive. pinasakay mo sila sa jeepney, pinaamoy mo sya sa t-shirt, pinag-date mo sila spontaneously, almost kiss, almost touch, nakulong sa cabinet, naisip mong ipasabi sa isang character ang isang linya, and then the next day everything falls into place pag pinapanood mo na... yung naisip mo spontaneously, nakikita mo na... nagrereact ang mga tao... sobrang bonus pa kung matuwa sila. minsan babalikan mo yung moment kung kailan mo yun naisip--- teka, antokyo japan na ako non, niraraos ko na lang nung time na yon para matapos na---and you realize the irony. minsan pala kahit pagod ka na hindi ka dapat tumitigil. kasi kahit akala mo wala nang mapipiga sa utak, meron pa pala. hindi ka lang conscious about it.

i'm in my adolescent stage as a writer for this format, yes. first time alone, emerging into adulthood on my own, and so far i'm enjoying the experience. with child like wonder.  for now i live and breathe for the show, i'm in there heart and soul. but will only be in there for as long as I need to. stressfull ang working conditions ng isang umeere, for all parties especially those on the field, and things most unexpected can happen. pag nawala ang isang artista, rewrite. buwag ang ginawa mo. ang sakit sa puso, grabeng panghihinayang. pero kakayanin kong magdetach. kakayanin kong idisown. to save myself from heartache. because life is short, and i have a life outside of work.

for now, though, fight fight fight. at the start of every week i am filled with hope---this week, i will meet my deadline. this week, i will submit early. this week, i will actually fulfill my promises. week 7.... magsasubmit tayo on time. AT MAGANDA. AT ON TIME. simula na ang mga pasabog. life and death na ito. beyond kilig, beyond almost kisses, beyond car chases. time to live inside myself again, and put everything else (including life) on hold.

lord, help us with week 7. 7 weeks na lang... LETS DO THISSS!!!!

like apples and oranges

and you...are...hot.
like freshly baked apple pie straight out of the oven.
especially when you make those, um, moves? (okay. cougar alert). i would love to borrow you for a day mother you til the cows come home. (mother? where the hell did that come from? haha)

pero hindi ikaw ang tipong gagawing  boyfriend. let alone wife.  hanggang labas lang ang appeal mo. which works just fine with me. you pretty little boy <3

but you. yes, you! you are the juice in orange juice. those little juicy tidbits.
nilalamon mo ang screen. lalo na pag light ka. you're maturity and depth, playfulness and charm, sensuality and smolder in one awesome, yummysome package. you're the type a girl would want to date exclusively boyfriend material. substance and frills.

pero mas guwapo pa rin yung little boy. hehe. at tingin ko, straight sya. ikaw? hmm. parang crush kita e. so you must be gay. hehe.

um, wait. oh, i forgot! i'm married. hehe. buti na lang napakasecure sa sarili ng mister ko. who, by the way,  can be a hybrid of appleboy and orangeguy ... if he really really wants to be. :-)

DEADLINE. Last freaking script day. dapat tonight. and what am i frickin doing? playing cougar and going ga-ga over apples and oranges. HELLO. magtrabaho ka na para makapag-day off ka naman. Week 6 almost done. 8 weeks na lang!!!! faster beeyatch!!!!

thorns and feathers

week 5, in. late again. :-(

another thorn pulled out. another feather on this slowpoke's cap. yes, i'm an optimist. every script week that i survive, i consider a personal achievement. kasi ngayon lang ako nakaranas maging mag-isa at solely responsible tulad nito.

hindi ko alam kung ilang feathers/thorns pa ang mahuhugot/masusulot ko. bibilis pa kaya ako? i will it. i will it. i will it. is speed of thought proportional to mental intelligence? so does this mean medyo bobo ako? haha.

focus actually. focus. discipline. yun ang nagdedelay sa akin. that feeling of discomfort, of being stuck in a difficult mental hurdle, i try to avoid as much as i can. so i candycrush muna. i eat muna. or play with my cat. or with my babygirl. or with my bigbrownosobear. or i write here.

discipline. focus. i will have it by week 6. walang choice. ikukulong na ako para masigurong hindi ma-late. i kinda like it. kasi sa totoo lang ... hindi ako makatanggi sa anak ko pag naglulupasay na sya at umiiyak ng "Mama....Mama ko..." (heartwrenching :-()   at pag nasa bahay ka, meron at meron pa ring iistorbo sa yo.

discipline. focus.  SPEED! you will be mine by week 6. MINE!

you know that feeling. one of the worst feelings when you write, and you finish something that you don't like. horrible feeling.  hindi ko alam kung anong mas horrible ang feeling, that or when you have finished something you think ain't so bad... and then feedback meeting comes, it gets bashed to pieces. yes, that hurt more. way more. it happened to me once. he broke my heart. napabili ako ng phone nang di oras, just to make me feel better.

the boss broke my heart, but repaired it again. with band aids and pins, two weeks later. he gave me this gift. i hope i can do this gift justice. til the very airing end.

another week to begin tomorrow. :-) help me lord.

hello august... !

just finished paspasin a madaliang 1-day script for taping tomorrow. stress. sumakit ang bagang ko. sakit sa dibdib magpasa ng alam mong di mo pinulido. naiinggit ka bigla sa mga katrabaho mong nakapanood ng c1nem@laya field trip today at nilibre pa ng bossing ng late dinner.

13 weeks kami. 5 scripts down. 8 to go. yehey. 8 na lang! mabilis na lang yon.. ewan ko di ba dapat magpray ako na mas marami pang scripts para mas maraming sweldo? haha. susko. nasabak ako sa whirlwind uli after a long time in a placid little stream. pero tulad nga ng sabi nila... all bodies of water lead to the ocean. and you have to learn to swim, all by yourself.

i just want to finish all those 8 scripts with me getting faster and better each week. i pray. i will it. i'm fighting lord. thanking you for every tidbit of learing everytime, for every little joy and every little triumph, for every little fulfilling thing about this job.

day 2 deadline is tomorrow. non negotiable. wala pang treatment. papahinga muna ako.