week 13

and i've got another secret to tell, faneys.

i lurk in your hangouts. you think i'm one of you, and try to sound as faney as i can. it amuses me, the irony, of you not knowing that there's someone from the inside infiltrating your virtual crowd.

so we have to have 17 scripts in before christmas vacay. not impossible. but we're a bit behind.

crush ko na ulit si C. nakakatuwa sya pag hinaharot nya si L. deadma na sa reactions nyo kay L, immune na ako dyan. antay antay lang kayo sa mga walang katapusang pechayan. mamumukadkad ang mga pechay, kayo mismo mauumay.

day 2 treatment. tick tock.

excited ako sa newest addition. may karibal na si C sa puso ko at dati ko na syang cras. having 2 different concepts of my ideal guy in one project, how lucky can one get?? diko alam kung paano ko hahatiin ang writer's puso ko sa dalawa. KILIG KILIG

dear faneys

may pagkabipolar din kayo ano?

isang lingggo kayong bwisit na bwisit. tapos isang gabi lang ng kiligtawa, biglang love na love nyo na naman ang show. best show evah, happy happy talaga ng (toot-toot), etc. kalurky din kayo ha?

and to think tinatry naming magpakarealistic, na iproseso ang pinagdadaanan ng mga characters. kung kaming lahat lang talaga ang masusunod isang araw lang magpapabebe yang si L. pero iniisip namin ang realidad.

eh ang realidad pala, pwedeng maging bipolar ang normal na tao. taena, kung alam lang namin! sana pala ginanun na lang namin si L! eh di happy pa kayo!

bwiset!! ayoko nang magbasa ng feedback! kliyente namin kayo oo, pero hindi kayo ang boss ko. so at the end of the day kahit ano pang ngakngak nyo, kung happy naman ang boss ko, achieve pa rin.

faney din ako sa totoo lang. kaya nga ang first draft ko, malamang yun ang matatypean nyo. kaso ang first draft noon, malandi si L. may problema na nga sa nanay, nakuha pang lumantod (not that i could blame her). pero yun nga. basag trip, pero kailangang iproseso. and the bosses made that clear noon, kaya sa kanila kayo magwelga okay!??

happy friday, mga bipolar beeyatches! labyu!

i'll tell you a secret

bago pa kayo nabwisit, nauna na akong nabwisit kesa sa inyo.  

but i say nothing, reply to nothing. except for 1 or 2 friends who ask.  but even then, my answers were always sanitized. at hanggat kaya ko ipagtatanggol ko si L. paninindigan ko yan.

kaya kong ilitanya ang mga dahilan ni L kung bat ganon sya magreact, like a memorized excuse. i understand, but i can't empathize. dahil MATANDA na sya for god's sake.  siguro naman kaya na nyang ianalyze ang iba't ibang scenarios. di porke nangyari sa isa, mangyayari din sa isa, lalo na at yung isa nanay mo at yung isa jowa na KAHIT KAILAN wala namang ginawa para pagdudahan mo ang pagmamahal nya sa yo.

pero yun. ganoon daw magreact ang isang babaeng nasa sitwasyon nya. no one really questioned it. maybe because it came from way up high. anyway, moving on. here's another week that i DON'T get. so good luck. whenever i'm ifffy about something, i say it to kinauukulan. if he doesn't listen, at least i have done my part.

Deadline Tonight

and still a long way to go.

a long way to go for this show, too. a blessing.

hindi na ako naaapektuhan. nagdetach na ako. nandito pa rin ako. pero ang primary concern ko, getting stuff done. writing with or without my heart on it.

madalas, lately, without love. if someone imposes things on me i don't agree with but i have to do, i lose the love. labor becomes work. i can  only do so much, kaya sige, tapusin na lang. try to make it good enough for my taste, but still within the constraints of someone else's vision.

write without love. mabilis lang sigurong gawin yun.

i'm over the panghihinayang. the sadness. kung isang season lang ito, we should be barreling towards a high ending. pero hindi, aabutan kami ng pasko, bagong taon, valentines, etc.

and i have to keep reminding myself, IT'S A GOOD THING. longer run, more money.

there are some things na wala na talaga sa control mo. weeks ago, i have learned to let go. it wasn't that hard a thing to do naman pala.

money. money, money.

week 12

keywords for this script week. 

April. (good problem)

La Breza.  

Conflict. 

ako lang ba? ako lang ba ang nakakaramdam ng ganito? kung walang conflict ang buhay nila, walang kwento?? 

hindi na kasi ako faney mode. kaya kapag walang nangyayaring problema, restless ako. tatlong araw na landian? trulily??? yun ang gusto nyo??

hay. yes. pumapanget na sya. 

 

happy sunday

i wish i could go back to those days when i could write pretty well in straight english. but sigh. i don't know. i've been rusty. haven't been keeping "house" all that well these past many years. i wonder what changed? oh, the love of my life happened. so what did he have to do with me needing to write here less? maybe because HE became my personal diary. sounding board, confidante, shock absorber, what-have-you. 

he barely speaks, this dude. what he usually does is mutter (which i HATE by the way). but he does listen, most of the time. out of the blue i'd say something--mostly about the show these days--and he'd get it. and that's one of the reasons why he's the love of mah life. 

cue romantic music. charot. 

i'm such a talker. i should really talk less, listen more. you learn so many things just by listening. 

Week 10

more changes, but i'm not ranting.  the longer, the better. the more surprises, the better.

one temptation i can't help but give in to: when our daughter bursts in through the door, all giggly and happy, plops down on the bed, asking me to play P vs Z with her.

and she, throwing herself all over me, saying "mama ang lambot lambot mo talaga". hahaha. kakainis. pwede bang hindi maging malambot? malambot = mataba, anak. will you lose your love for me kung mawala ang human kutson mo?

happy memory #1001--  when she bursts in through the door every morning, in her school uniform, to say goodbye to me. throwing herself at me. hugging me goodbye.

our daily convo:

me- ano kayang aaralin ni audrey ngayon sa school?
a- "A!"
me- "A" na naman?? di na umusad??

then she would giggle. like chimes, to me. chimes in the breeze, my daughter's giggle. i wonder if how long will she giggle like that. til 6 yo? 7?

kaya kahit may deadline ako.kahit nagmamadali supposedly, di ko maresist ang batang to. dahil hindi sya habang panahong ganito. i dread the time when she'd be leaving the house with just a "bye ma" and a peck on the cheek.  and be gone the entire day, and come home late at night, with the same brief reply. yung dadaan dadaanan na lang kami. yung may iba na sya buhay sa labas ng pamilya namin. :-(

of course children have to grow up. pero lagi kong sinasabi sa 5 year old na 'to-- sana kahit malaki ka na, mahal na mahal mo pa rin kami ha.  sana sweet ka pa rin.

and she'd just say yes and giggle. kahit di nya alam kung bakit ko sinasabi yon, sana subconsciously maitanim ko sa utak nya yung mensahe.

Week 10. Week 9 wasn't mine. somehow that makes me sad. yung sense of ownership, nabawasan. but we can only go solo for so long in this setup. masyadong mabilis angbuhay for slowpoke me.

now THIS is what i REALLY feel

gets ko sya. up until that moment she decided to leave. leave the love of your life? why? i totally get the reason, it's on paper. pero yung emosyon ko. yung emosyon kooooo! di kita magets bitchessa! hindi!!!! ang tanda mo na ha!! pati si C dinamay mo!

pag may stumbling block na ganun, mahirap magpatuloy. pero you just try to understand her. kahit mahirap. you rationalize. itawid mo. kasi pag hindi mo naitatawid sa papel malamang hindi rin maiintindihan ng mga tao. if you dont know the answers, they won't either. it's what you put in there.

so wk 7 onwards was when she just. lost me. but i'm trying to make it work, this relationship with this girl. cause magsasama pa kami til next year. hindi sya ako. pero sinusubukan ko syang unawain.

kainis lang. ang fluid up to that frickin moment. nanay mo may kasalanan. jowa paparusahan? damn twisted logic.

ilang beses ko nang nasabi yan sa mga confidantes at sounding boards at mga immediate na kinauukulan. dahil pag ikaw hindi mo maintindihan, hindi mo maisusulat. the first person you will have to convince is yourself, bitch.

last note. instead of that uber tight sando on C, sana pala bunny rabbit girl's shirt na lang. that would look cuter on him. and ill bet it would go viral. anything on C is viral-ous.

C wearing L's bunny rabbit t-shirt. that would be cute.  SAYANG!

P.S. the fans like the 3r1k santos song. i don't. ako lang ba? hindi lang talaga maganda sa tenga ko. hindi rin ako namumove emotionally. it sounds so 80s. throwback feels.

madness tuesday

changes, changes everyday.

NKKLK.

nasa gitna ka na. biglang titibagin. biglang mag-iiba.

oh well. daily realities.

as if  chasing (missing) deadlines isn't bad enough.

lugmok ako ngayon, puyat, masama pakiramdam. and honestly. times like these... money is my only consolation.

yes, they love the show, yadda yadda. thank you lord. but at the end of the day. it's really all about money to me.

di ko kailangan ng prestige. kailangan ko, moolah.

madness. rght now, just let me fuckin succumb to it. itigil muna natin ang pag-ikot ng letcheng (masikip at lonely) na mundong ito. at maging baliw lang at magsisigaw. dahil need ko ng moolah. at nabubwisit ako sa mga anak ng diyos na dahilan kung bakit mababawasan ang moolah at kailangang magmadali ng mga inilalabas namin. para maaccommodate ang oras nya.

i love those moments. when i feel like i'm in love with you, and i was born for you. but those moments are rare. at sa mundong ito, na sobrang bilis, wala akong time namnamin yung mga moments na yon. dahil 50:50 ang Golden Rule dito. bilis, ganda. pag wala ang isa, wala ring kwenta.

daily realities.  a bitch.

hindi ko alam kung para ba ako sa yo. siguro tama yung isang writer na kakilala ko.  sa ngayon, para ako sa yo. at this point, i'm meant to be here. but if i am. bakit lagi akong late. bakit parang may something sa loob ko na sinusubok ang tadhana. is it a subconscious effort to...i don'nt know... just spit at the concept of time? am i really meant to be this for the rest of my pokpoking life?

which brings to this thought- i want an early retirement. but before you can afford something like that, you should fuckin SAVE. SAVE like you've never saved before. because you can never save enough. the more you save, the earlier you can afford freedom.

i love this. most of the time. no scratch that. half the time. i'm just sad about less moolah now.

stress. more real to me than anything in my list of daily realities to live with, these days.

ayokong magkasakit sa stress. butina lang, nababalanse ng good feelings.

healthy sa body ang show. makes me smile, makes me happy, watching. paano pa kaya kung hindi ko mahal ang show. stress x 100. patayan na ito. ayoko...

may iba akong buhay sa labas nito. pero sa ngayon, ito ang mundo ko hanggang pebrero.

the ones who got away

i miss doing these.

i miss those quiet days and nights in the kitchen. engrossed in the work. yes, i was that serious. i took baking and cookie decorating verrry seriously. 

she was a very engaging mistress. and there was actually a mad moment when i had wanted to run away with her. make her my "wife". 

but then... sigh. the legal wife got a whiff of what i'd been up to. started putting the pressure on me. 

then the mistress got demanding, too. and it came to a point when i had to choose. 

i was a coward. i couldn't fight for what i desired. di ko sya kayang ipaglaban, kasi natatakot akong iwan yung "asawa" ko. maybe i could've made the gamble. but at that point it was too big a gamble. i'm a breadwinner to my parents. i'm sponsoring my brother in college. i still have financial goals. wanting our own house and lot. aiming for millions. many, many goals still. 

of course, there's that possibility that someday this could become a lucrative business. but it might take years before we could break even and start profiting. i couldn't risk that. not until brother is out of frickin' college. mabilis na lang gastusin ang pera ngayon. you can never save enough. 

besides, the "wife" has been so good to me. she has taken care of me for the past 5 years. i lost my "virginity" in the industry to her. in many ways, i grew up with her. ang ganda pa ng pangalan nya. kaya kahit anong akit sa akin ng "kabit" ko...ang hirap i-ignore ng mga factors na yon. kung magbabalak kang hiwalayan ang "asawang" ganon... it will have to be really worth it. prize catch sya sa mata ng marami. and once upon a time, i too, had only dreamed of her. she was a dream come true. just like how this mistress became to me.  

so i had to break up with the kabit.  as in, sever all ties. kasi alam ko, kapag half-half ako, madadarang na naman ako. it's either i love you, or i don't. 

well. it was fun while it lasted.  and we had many "children". 

at narealize ko rin, mas mahal ko ang misis ko. i belong with her. this is what i'm meant to do, for the next few or many years. i think. 

but who knows. maybe someday. babalikan kita. pwede siguro ngayon, pafling fling. pero hindi na negosyo. i'll bake for family. i'll bake for friends. pero not for money. 

ibibigay na yun sa akin ng wifey ko. sabi ng wifey ko, just be good to me. give me what i need. work hard on it. you won't have to worry about money. haha. #sugarmommy

hay, the kitchen. my second home. someday, babalikan kita.  like the shooting set. babalikan ko kayo someday. 

for now, back to the phosphorus screen. deadline to meet baby! bring it on, wifey! 

write like your life depended on it.

and it does.
at least, livelihood does.

pero kung magsusulat ako na parang may nakatutok na baril sa ulo ko at kung ma-late ako kahit 1- minuto eh puputok ang baril, tingnan lang natin kung malate pa ako, ever. EVER.

so yan ang bago kong motivation. tama na ang soft motivation (clarky). hard naman ngayon. di ka makuha sa landi, makuha ka sa sindak beeyatch.

pero may little voice in my head kasi na lagi akong dinadarang. WAG KA MUNA MAGSULAT. MANOOD KA MUNA NG DVD. MALIGO KA MUNA. KUMAIN KA MUNA. GAWIN MO NA MUNA LAHAT BAGO YUG DAPAT MONG GAWIIIN.

hindi ko alam kung saan galing yun. demonyo, malamang. at ang dami nyang ginagamit na instrumento.

oo na. fine. walang ibang dapat sisihin sa pagiging late ko kundi ako.

dapat medyo taasan ko ang pagpapahalaga ko sa punctuality. kasi aminado, mas importante sa akin ang quality. isipin mo na lang, sa criteria ng 100%, 50-50 sila. walang lamang. kung maaga nga pero pangit, laos. kung maganda nga pero late, LAOS pa rin.

50-50. kelan ka makaka100%??? ayoko na ng 50% letche! baka nga 40% ka lang, kaya wag ka magmaganda!