last night: 4 hours
two nights ago: 2 hours
three nights ago: 5 hours
normally i'd need 6 hours of sleep to be able to say that i'm fully-recharged. based on the statistics above, guess i've been under-recharged for two nights now.
i hope it doesn't reflect on the work, though. i should make that my motto from now on: sacrifice everything if you must, but preserve what's left of your energy for the work.
live shows jolt you up, keep you on your toes. not that i'd want to be under those stressful conditions always. it's nice to have those jolt-uppers every now and then, though. demands your undivided attention, keeps your mind off other things.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
cannot be, borrow one from two
tama ang kaibigan ko. iba ang iniisip sa ginagawa.
kaya safe ako. kasi wala naman akong ginagawa. pero minsan nabubwisit ako sa sarili ko. sobrang kabaligtaran naman ang pinagkikikilos ko sa talagang nararamdaman ko. it frustrates me. because i end up estranging myself. i lock myself in, when it truth what i really wanted to do was embrace the feeling and welcome the person.
cannot be, borrow one from two.
avoid. shun. erase. i was born with it, didn't i say. kahit na hindi ko intensyon, dinadala ako ng mga paa ko sa direksyon na yon.
palayo. paiwas. hindi tumitingin sa mata. pag kinausap, civil pero earnest. parang hindi kakilala. i'm sad about the way i've been behaving because nanghihinayang ako. sa friendship na pwedeng mabuo, if i weren't so distant and affected. plain platonic friendship, nothing more. but because i've totally shut the person out, walang pagkakataon sa ngayon para magkaroon ng ganon. it saddens me, because i've seen the way he deals with his female friends. i can tell that he's loved and admired by his peers and co-workers. and from the way he's dealt with me, he was never anything but nice.
nice. so why am i being so friggin aloof and cold.
screw that Inverse Proportion theory.
nanghihinayang din ako kasi i'm depriving myself of those addictive little joys, the memories of those moments which i find myself wallowing in, at the end of the day. pathetic as it sounds, but it's those cheap little thrills that can make life a little rosier than usual.
forget it, beeyatch. cannot be, borrow one from two.
one indicator that you're over someone is when you can actually text him something like: wer u? tara kain tayo and not be hurt by a "no" reply. when eight months ago i wouldn't have imagined ever doing such a thing.
another indicator is when you find yourself wishing that he'd find the right person for him, and that you could gladly play matchmaker between him and his romantic prospects. and not get hurt by it.
but one indicator that you're into someone is when he looks at you a certain way and you realize that your day is already made. when he has the power to make you feel special.
stop. stop. cannot be, borrow one from two.
at the end of the day, you go home, realize that shit, all this is immaterial anyway. who am i fooling? i'm a non-normal girl. to hope for anything beautiful to actually happen to me is completely, utterly, improbable.
nah. maybe i'm just malungkot right now. why can't i just take things in without the excessive analysis and deconstruction?
that ought to make things easier for me. and yes, it would make me act a lot more "normal" when he's around. pretty soon, this will pan out. they always do, eventually.
kaya safe ako. kasi wala naman akong ginagawa. pero minsan nabubwisit ako sa sarili ko. sobrang kabaligtaran naman ang pinagkikikilos ko sa talagang nararamdaman ko. it frustrates me. because i end up estranging myself. i lock myself in, when it truth what i really wanted to do was embrace the feeling and welcome the person.
cannot be, borrow one from two.
avoid. shun. erase. i was born with it, didn't i say. kahit na hindi ko intensyon, dinadala ako ng mga paa ko sa direksyon na yon.
palayo. paiwas. hindi tumitingin sa mata. pag kinausap, civil pero earnest. parang hindi kakilala. i'm sad about the way i've been behaving because nanghihinayang ako. sa friendship na pwedeng mabuo, if i weren't so distant and affected. plain platonic friendship, nothing more. but because i've totally shut the person out, walang pagkakataon sa ngayon para magkaroon ng ganon. it saddens me, because i've seen the way he deals with his female friends. i can tell that he's loved and admired by his peers and co-workers. and from the way he's dealt with me, he was never anything but nice.
nice. so why am i being so friggin aloof and cold.
screw that Inverse Proportion theory.
nanghihinayang din ako kasi i'm depriving myself of those addictive little joys, the memories of those moments which i find myself wallowing in, at the end of the day. pathetic as it sounds, but it's those cheap little thrills that can make life a little rosier than usual.
forget it, beeyatch. cannot be, borrow one from two.
one indicator that you're over someone is when you can actually text him something like: wer u? tara kain tayo and not be hurt by a "no" reply. when eight months ago i wouldn't have imagined ever doing such a thing.
another indicator is when you find yourself wishing that he'd find the right person for him, and that you could gladly play matchmaker between him and his romantic prospects. and not get hurt by it.
but one indicator that you're into someone is when he looks at you a certain way and you realize that your day is already made. when he has the power to make you feel special.
stop. stop. cannot be, borrow one from two.
at the end of the day, you go home, realize that shit, all this is immaterial anyway. who am i fooling? i'm a non-normal girl. to hope for anything beautiful to actually happen to me is completely, utterly, improbable.
nah. maybe i'm just malungkot right now. why can't i just take things in without the excessive analysis and deconstruction?
that ought to make things easier for me. and yes, it would make me act a lot more "normal" when he's around. pretty soon, this will pan out. they always do, eventually.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
200th post na pala and other discoveries
discovery since yesterday:
1. despite the firewalls, i'm actually more vulnerable than i thought.
2. the day that i would get to receive flowers on valentine's day--now that would be the day.
3. despite the "stay away, i bite" aura (something that i was probably born with) i have with me, i'm actually just a naive little dudette here. a friggin young girl.
discovery today:
1. of the 100 avoidances and precautions i'd taken in the past 25 years, nothing could protect me from the harm that one mistake could cause. 1 mistake is all that it would take. and everything i've held in a glass case would be in smithereens. heartbreaking.
2. i don't know why, but i'm so tempted to make that mistake right now. it's mad. maddening. it's crazy-mad and it makes me friggin angry-mad.
3. inversely proportional. that's me. the more love there is on the inside, less warmth i show on the outside. i can't help it. i was built that way. and i used to wonder why i'm still a member of The Club?
discovery 1 hour ago:
1. i'm stupid, but i'm not the only one.
2. i feel special, but we all did. or do.
3. the more i think about it, the more i can't stop thinking about it.
4. i am being manipulated. by my own feelings.
5. the moth HAD known exactly what it was getting close to. but the flame was just too damn dangerous to resist.
6. it's those kinds of looks, those kinds of glances, that can keep you up all night. boolsheet. i'm too old for this already.
1. despite the firewalls, i'm actually more vulnerable than i thought.
2. the day that i would get to receive flowers on valentine's day--now that would be the day.
3. despite the "stay away, i bite" aura (something that i was probably born with) i have with me, i'm actually just a naive little dudette here. a friggin young girl.
discovery today:
1. of the 100 avoidances and precautions i'd taken in the past 25 years, nothing could protect me from the harm that one mistake could cause. 1 mistake is all that it would take. and everything i've held in a glass case would be in smithereens. heartbreaking.
2. i don't know why, but i'm so tempted to make that mistake right now. it's mad. maddening. it's crazy-mad and it makes me friggin angry-mad.
3. inversely proportional. that's me. the more love there is on the inside, less warmth i show on the outside. i can't help it. i was built that way. and i used to wonder why i'm still a member of The Club?
discovery 1 hour ago:
1. i'm stupid, but i'm not the only one.
2. i feel special, but we all did. or do.
3. the more i think about it, the more i can't stop thinking about it.
4. i am being manipulated. by my own feelings.
5. the moth HAD known exactly what it was getting close to. but the flame was just too damn dangerous to resist.
6. it's those kinds of looks, those kinds of glances, that can keep you up all night. boolsheet. i'm too old for this already.
Monday, February 13, 2006
this, too, shall pan out
i've been loving our family dinners lately. mama, papa, me, iye, all in the same table, eating together.
at the dinner table i tell them nearly everything about me, from the trivial to the vital, and it's true that if people love you, more often than not they'll be a lot more patient with you. and so they listen.
well lately i've been telling stories that my parents don't seem to want to hear. and they want me to stop. stop telling, and plain stop whatever. or else.
i'd hate to arrive at the day when i'd be all secretive and quiet in front of my parents. because it could only mean one thing. at this point. weird, but someone's whispering inside my head that i'm somehow, kinda wishing for that day to arrive.
noooo. you don't really wish for that.
goodness-badness. lucidness-madness. tug-o-war. but in cases like these, the goodness-lucidness side of me has always won out. the built-in firewalls have always kept me safe.
in a way, though, they have also shut me out.
at the dinner table i tell them nearly everything about me, from the trivial to the vital, and it's true that if people love you, more often than not they'll be a lot more patient with you. and so they listen.
well lately i've been telling stories that my parents don't seem to want to hear. and they want me to stop. stop telling, and plain stop whatever. or else.
i'd hate to arrive at the day when i'd be all secretive and quiet in front of my parents. because it could only mean one thing. at this point. weird, but someone's whispering inside my head that i'm somehow, kinda wishing for that day to arrive.
noooo. you don't really wish for that.
goodness-badness. lucidness-madness. tug-o-war. but in cases like these, the goodness-lucidness side of me has always won out. the built-in firewalls have always kept me safe.
in a way, though, they have also shut me out.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
fed with sleep
slept at 1, woke up at 11. it's been days since i had a full night's sleep. yesterday i had stolen thirty minutes from worktime. and the days that had gone by before that, i hardly even remember.
it's cool, in a way. pushing your limits. i can still go without sleeping for more than 48 hours. it kills more brain cells than necessary but we have to compensate sometimes and sleep is the first luxury to go when push comes to shove. i've promised myself that soon i will not have to sacrifice sleep again.
a tadpole in the rapids. the old feeling surfaces every once in a while and has been resurfacing more often lately. it's the flurry of the world around me, i know. it's a bigger world than i've anticipated and the water is neck-deep. i'm still learning how to swim and i know i have to completely learn, if not master, the skill by the end of this week.
but first things first. i shouldn't be sacrificing sleep anymore.
* * *
haven't been in touch with the world for the past three weeks. friends outside of work. i miss them whenever i remember. and, well, these days life's been too busy for me to hardly remember.
* * *
less yosi time. more minutes in the ice cream parlor. equals more sleep for me, in the long run.
* * *
in a relatively alien world with throats getting slashed and done away with every now and then, it helps to have friends around. friends who've been in that world much longer than you have. they anchor you, somehow, give you a sense of security. they tell you about what to anticipate, what not to do, how to do things. i'm glad for friends like that.
* * *
in the three weeks i'd been in this world i've come to love the show in a way. love, not as a viewer like how i had loved it before (way back when it was just starting, before The Bomb Dropped and i dropped watching it altogether), but love it as my own. a part of my life. i've warned myself not to make it my Be All End All, not to make it the center of my universe, but for the time being it can't be helped, and for the time being it does help, that i live for the show, that my total devotion is for the show. it drives you, somehow. keeps you going, makes you wanna do things better and faster. it's an item in the survival kit.
* * *
on the personal front (yes, meron pa palang ganun), yesterday i did something i'd never done before--openly discuss a past "crush" (how juvenile,hehe) with the crush-object himself. hindi kasi ko sanay na nalalaman ng mga taong crush ko na crush ko sila. at some point in my life it would have ranked top on my list of Possible Causes of Utter Embarrassment. but i got over that a long time ago. somehow. hehe.
i knew that he knew (thanks to a common friend of ours) and he knew that i knew that he was a member of the fairest gender (na NAMAN, i know), but even if we'd worked closely before, for the longest time i never had the guts to talk about it with him. it was taboo. the mere thought of it made me uneasy. yesterday, though, somehow i
managed to toss it out in the open. hoy, bat mo sinabi kay chorva chorva na may crush ako sa yo noon nung college? haha! hilarious. we were just plain rollin over with laughter. this scene should've been written in on the script long before, way back during our first show. then maybe that little taboo thingie would've been done and over with, and we could've been better friends back then.
* * *
noontime. i have work at 3 pm. my house has become that House. my life has become the lives of the fourteen people in it. for the time being, it helps to think that way. it keeps your heart on the job.
* * *
i totally missed out on the Oscar buzz. totally. when back then i would have closely monitored everything right down to the Best Short Film nominee. now i'm clueless. and i have a lot of other more important things to do than dabble into that.
* * *
it's cool, in a way. pushing your limits. i can still go without sleeping for more than 48 hours. it kills more brain cells than necessary but we have to compensate sometimes and sleep is the first luxury to go when push comes to shove. i've promised myself that soon i will not have to sacrifice sleep again.
a tadpole in the rapids. the old feeling surfaces every once in a while and has been resurfacing more often lately. it's the flurry of the world around me, i know. it's a bigger world than i've anticipated and the water is neck-deep. i'm still learning how to swim and i know i have to completely learn, if not master, the skill by the end of this week.
but first things first. i shouldn't be sacrificing sleep anymore.
* * *
haven't been in touch with the world for the past three weeks. friends outside of work. i miss them whenever i remember. and, well, these days life's been too busy for me to hardly remember.
* * *
less yosi time. more minutes in the ice cream parlor. equals more sleep for me, in the long run.
* * *
in a relatively alien world with throats getting slashed and done away with every now and then, it helps to have friends around. friends who've been in that world much longer than you have. they anchor you, somehow, give you a sense of security. they tell you about what to anticipate, what not to do, how to do things. i'm glad for friends like that.
* * *
in the three weeks i'd been in this world i've come to love the show in a way. love, not as a viewer like how i had loved it before (way back when it was just starting, before The Bomb Dropped and i dropped watching it altogether), but love it as my own. a part of my life. i've warned myself not to make it my Be All End All, not to make it the center of my universe, but for the time being it can't be helped, and for the time being it does help, that i live for the show, that my total devotion is for the show. it drives you, somehow. keeps you going, makes you wanna do things better and faster. it's an item in the survival kit.
* * *
on the personal front (yes, meron pa palang ganun), yesterday i did something i'd never done before--openly discuss a past "crush" (how juvenile,hehe) with the crush-object himself. hindi kasi ko sanay na nalalaman ng mga taong crush ko na crush ko sila. at some point in my life it would have ranked top on my list of Possible Causes of Utter Embarrassment. but i got over that a long time ago. somehow. hehe.
i knew that he knew (thanks to a common friend of ours) and he knew that i knew that he was a member of the fairest gender (na NAMAN, i know), but even if we'd worked closely before, for the longest time i never had the guts to talk about it with him. it was taboo. the mere thought of it made me uneasy. yesterday, though, somehow i
managed to toss it out in the open. hoy, bat mo sinabi kay chorva chorva na may crush ako sa yo noon nung college? haha! hilarious. we were just plain rollin over with laughter. this scene should've been written in on the script long before, way back during our first show. then maybe that little taboo thingie would've been done and over with, and we could've been better friends back then.
* * *
noontime. i have work at 3 pm. my house has become that House. my life has become the lives of the fourteen people in it. for the time being, it helps to think that way. it keeps your heart on the job.
* * *
i totally missed out on the Oscar buzz. totally. when back then i would have closely monitored everything right down to the Best Short Film nominee. now i'm clueless. and i have a lot of other more important things to do than dabble into that.
* * *
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