Sunday, February 12, 2006

fed with sleep

slept at 1, woke up at 11. it's been days since i had a full night's sleep. yesterday i had stolen thirty minutes from worktime. and the days that had gone by before that, i hardly even remember.

it's cool, in a way. pushing your limits. i can still go without sleeping for more than 48 hours. it kills more brain cells than necessary but we have to compensate sometimes and sleep is the first luxury to go when push comes to shove. i've promised myself that soon i will not have to sacrifice sleep again.

a tadpole in the rapids. the old feeling surfaces every once in a while and has been resurfacing more often lately. it's the flurry of the world around me, i know. it's a bigger world than i've anticipated and the water is neck-deep. i'm still learning how to swim and i know i have to completely learn, if not master, the skill by the end of this week.

but first things first. i shouldn't be sacrificing sleep anymore.

* * *

haven't been in touch with the world for the past three weeks. friends outside of work. i miss them whenever i remember. and, well, these days life's been too busy for me to hardly remember.

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less yosi time. more minutes in the ice cream parlor. equals more sleep for me, in the long run.

* * *

in a relatively alien world with throats getting slashed and done away with every now and then, it helps to have friends around. friends who've been in that world much longer than you have. they anchor you, somehow, give you a sense of security. they tell you about what to anticipate, what not to do, how to do things. i'm glad for friends like that.

* * *

in the three weeks i'd been in this world i've come to love the show in a way. love, not as a viewer like how i had loved it before (way back when it was just starting, before The Bomb Dropped and i dropped watching it altogether), but love it as my own. a part of my life. i've warned myself not to make it my Be All End All, not to make it the center of my universe, but for the time being it can't be helped, and for the time being it does help, that i live for the show, that my total devotion is for the show. it drives you, somehow. keeps you going, makes you wanna do things better and faster. it's an item in the survival kit.

* * *

on the personal front (yes, meron pa palang ganun), yesterday i did something i'd never done before--openly discuss a past "crush" (how juvenile,hehe) with the crush-object himself. hindi kasi ko sanay na nalalaman ng mga taong crush ko na crush ko sila. at some point in my life it would have ranked top on my list of Possible Causes of Utter Embarrassment. but i got over that a long time ago. somehow. hehe.

i knew that he knew (thanks to a common friend of ours) and he knew that i knew that he was a member of the fairest gender (na NAMAN, i know), but even if we'd worked closely before, for the longest time i never had the guts to talk about it with him. it was taboo. the mere thought of it made me uneasy. yesterday, though, somehow i
managed to toss it out in the open. hoy, bat mo sinabi kay chorva chorva na may crush ako sa yo noon nung college? haha! hilarious. we were just plain rollin over with laughter. this scene should've been written in on the script long before, way back during our first show. then maybe that little taboo thingie would've been done and over with, and we could've been better friends back then.

* * *

noontime. i have work at 3 pm. my house has become that House. my life has become the lives of the fourteen people in it. for the time being, it helps to think that way. it keeps your heart on the job.

* * *

i totally missed out on the Oscar buzz. totally. when back then i would have closely monitored everything right down to the Best Short Film nominee. now i'm clueless. and i have a lot of other more important things to do than dabble into that.

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