numbers numbers

10pm, 38 sequences to go. 12 noon deadline tomorrow.
sakit na ng likod kowwww.

lord, hindi po ako nagrereklamo. naghihinga lang. masaya po ako sa buhay ko, at nagpapasalamat sa mga blessings ninyo. pero sa mga panahong ito...balakid sa untainted happiness ang deadline.

tatlong araw lang ito. paano pa kayo kung lima na.
saan ba makakabili ng speed? ng hyper-energy? ng megasuperultra sharp concentrating powers? gagastusin ko ang isang taong sweldo para lang makabili ng lifetime's supply.

paano kaya nagagawa ng iba? nang hindi nagsasuffer ang ganda? sana, makaya ko rin. kung hindi ngayon, bukas. kung hindi bukas, someday. sa next script na isusulat ko. kung hindi sa next script, sa second next. kung hindi pa rin, sige, kahit sa next show na.

paano kaya nila nagagawa yon? or am i relly just wired this way, and will be wired this way for the rest of my writer's life?

lord, pray po ako sa inyo. thank you for everything...pero isang request po. sana po, bigyan nyo ako ng paunti-unting extra bilis at extra galing...kahit isang gasino isang taon...okay na rin. at least nadadagdagan. :-)

everyday is a day to thank god for...

especially when i remember this point in my life. being transported back to those days, napapausal ako ng pasasalamat. i thank god, for giving the chance to make a decision, 4 years ago. i thank god, for shining a beam of hope on me during those dark, lost, limbo-esque days in 2008.

reading back, i realize now just how painful it all was, writing the experiences with fresh ink and fresh memories. to say that i was miserable was an understatement. i was working on a project that i loathed but had to see through completion, i was counting the days, smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. kung hindi ako nagquit sa trabahong iyon, baka ikamatay ko pa.

natapos ang project. relief. joy. then came the realization. i wanted out, but i didn't know where to go. i had nowhere to go. i was 28, feeling lost and directionless, still in mourning over the death of a dream that i had nurtured for the most of my youth. i turned to prayers for hope. praying everyday, for him to lead me sa direksyon na gusto nya para sa akin.

and then, a text came. from a friend, with a door of opportunity. she was god's answer to my prayers. a beam of hope shone upon me. i gave it a try...full of hope yet full of fear...knocked on the door, expecting the best and the worst. and when a friendly face greeted me at the door, i felt relief course through me. i sat through the meeting, gave it my best shot...and the rest was happy history.

thank you, lord. hindi ko maaappreciate ang liwanag kung hindi ko naranasan ang dilim. thank you, thank you. kuntento na po ako sa ganitong lebel ng kasiyahan habambuhay, i'm happy enough with what you've given me. i only pray that i'd never have to go through dark times like 2008 ever again.

there's poetry in pain...

and i used to have that in my blog entries, years ago. now, i mostly write about day-in-the-life journals. boring, dry, practical stuff.

but i'd rather write like this than have the poetry come out of my words again. i'd rather be dry and boring than be in pain.

thank you lord. :-)

merry christmas

it's been a crazy christmas. in more ways than one. relative light of workload, but emotionally turbulent. in more ways than one.

i'm a happy mom and wife. i couldn't ask for more. thank you lord. whatever i have done to deserve all these blessings, i don't know. kung wala man, teach me how to pay everything forward. tell me how.

there are things that are just not worth acknowledging. believe in signs. and all signs point to NO. so stop it. stop.

the world revolves on deadlines

speed and quality. in a perfect world, you can have 'em both. and prioritize both. pero pag pukpukan na, at biglang tatawag ang ep to say na kailangang magsubmit ng script in 4 hours, minsan kelangan mong mamili sa dalawa. somehow.

usually, pinaprioritze ko ang quality. kaya usually, erm, nakocompromise ang speed. for a change, these past two submissions, pinrioritize ko ang speed. ang sarap ng feeling nang makasubmit nang mabilis. ang gaan sa pakiramdam, walang guilt, unlike, say, late ka.

pero na-realize ko, after a good night's sleep at binasa mo uli yung sinubmit mo nang mabilisan, ang bigat pala sa pakiramdam. parang gusto mong bawiin yung pinasa mo. suddenly you dread the day when you'd see what you'd written playing out on screen. passable is fine but passable is not going to make a good reputation. and hastily-done, downright ugly work can actually harm you.

not saying it's better to be late than low-grade. pero mabigat din pala sa loob yung trabahong "pwede na yan". lalo na kung alam mong yun na ang eere. parang gusto mo yatang magtago sa ilalim ng kama pag umere na. syempre mas maganda yung magsubmit ng maayos na trabaho and on time. but this is an imperfect world, and i am an imperfect writer. ang good news, though, people can get better. better, and faster.

moral of the story: try and try to be fast and good until you succeed.