past idiosyncrasy #2

speaking of past idiosyncrasies.

today someone asked me about the Hartshy Fartshy Dude. "Saffron, what do you think of ---?" of course the question could have meant a dozen different things, and the best answer of the innocent girl would've been, "What do you mean?" but the question sounded, ehem, suspicious to me, and in my guilt-ridden mind i automatically took it to mean that he was, well, asking if HFD was my type. haha.

i turned out to be right. because the follow-up question was, "type mo ba sya?".

"hindi," was my answer, donning on what i hoped was an innocent face. it was a lie and it wasn't. not a lie, because as a rule i don't dig those artsy-fartsy kewlie types. a lie, because when i first met him three years ago on that strange sunny afternoon, he had immediately become the exception.

my answer was accepted. no doubts, no skepticism. i did not have to further defend my answer (and why would i have to do that anyway? nuba!). and then i realized that one of the people in that table knew that i was lying. she'd been there when i'd told a couple of our friends about my schoolgirl thingie on this dude, way back when. her face showed me no reaction, though; nothing that said she was going to reveal what she knew. haha. thank god!

syempre, praning pa rin ako. di naman big deal, actually. a past idiosyncrasy was all that "crush" had been, like all the others. i inwardly reacted that way only because it was the first time that i had been asked something like that in front of a group. para kong na-corner. para kong in-interrogate about a past "sin". hehe. i felt guilty. cause i knew i could never say the truth.

haha. prude pa rin, hanggang ngayon.

"bakit mo naman natanong?" was my followup question to the person who'd asked.

"wala lang. kasi..." he paused. "wag na..." and then changed his mind. or wanted to make it appear like he did. "kasi dati tinanong nya dati sa kin, medyo matagal na yon. what do you think of saffron? wala ka pa yatang boyfriend non."

i nodded. the Friend Who Knew I Was Lying butted in, "type ka nya." haha. maybe if the circumstances were different i would've believed it. or wanted to believe it. but the praningerzi side of me couldn't help but think of a different scenario.

"saffron, what do you think of ---? type mo ba sya?"
"hindi. bakit mo naman natanong?"
"wala lang...kasi..." paused. THOUGHT BUBBLE: may nagbanggit kasi dati na may crush ka sa kanya eh. "wag na..." (sees the uber-curious, YOU-HAVE-TO-TELL-ME look in my eyes) THOUGHT BUBBLE: geez, she might freak out if i told her the truth. i have to make up something, fast. "kasi dati tinanong nya dati sa kin...what do you think of saffron?"

and that was the real story, really. haha. hindi malayong mangyari.

at this point, it doesn't really matter anyway. if i lied, if he lied, if i had had any chances with the Hartsy Fartsy Guy back then or no. past idiosyncrasy. all the untold truths and things-i-didn't-know (good AND bad) from the past are immaterial now.

makes me realize, too, how lucky i am now. because it had only taken a handful of harmless "past idiosyncrasies" before i became this happy.

thanks lord. i love it.

ironic

the other day i had an accidental meeting with this dude. the moment would've been nothing but a reminder of a past idiosyncrasy, except for one ironic detail. eight or nine months ago, the accidental meeting would've been my perfect Here's-Me-Hittin-Back-At-You-Ahole Fantasy.

it would've been, but now it doesn't matter anymore. i've long tucked away this case in my chest of uncherished memories. even embarrassed to admit that for a mad moment there i had actually thought that this person could matter in the scheme of my life. ehe, anubayun!

nonetheless, that chance encounter was one more to add to my list of Blessings-That-Came-A-Little-Too-Late. haha.

sometimes i forget to do this

thank you, lord. for everything.

for always taking care of me and the people who are dear to me.

for answering my prayers, even if i rarely pray.

for gifting me with happiness, even if i often feel that i haven't done much to deserve it.

i've always believed in what they said about the birds. na kung sila nga hindi nyo pinababayaan, tao pa kaya. i will always have that faith, cause my life is a perfect example of that.

thank you, thank you. for having been good to me. sana hindi kayo magsawa. sana makahanap ako ng chance to pay-it-forward.

beach fix

cravin to get my beach fix again.

my top ten places-to-go:

1. bolinao, pangasinan. we shot a movie here earlier this year. clear blue waters, cream-colored coral sands. serene, secluded, almost virginal, and at night you would hear the thunderous crashing of waves coming from the South China Sea. yun nga lang, walang cellphone signal. and it's a seven-hour drive from manila. pero panalo to. gusto kong bumalik dito.


2. matutinao beach, cebu. we shot a movie here three years ago. the seaside was simply glorious at sunrise. even bolinao fades in comparison. at low tide the shore would be littered with starfishes and sea shells of all shapes, colors, and sizes. at high noon the waters would be a dazzling bright blue. hanggang ngayon napapanaginipan ko pa ang beach na to. hay. kelan kaya ako makakabalik sa mga exotic beaches ng cebu?

3. boracay island, aklan. we shot a cinema ad here two summers ago. work by day, island-roving at night, and the rest of the weekend was just one memorable vacation between two girlfriends (dang! really miss you, sheryll!). bora is probably as crowded as manila this time of the year but it still beats those black-sand cavite beaches any old time. har.

4. wawa dam, montalban. haha. seriously. exotic para sa kin ang wawa. i'd take this over an oversized basin (aka swimming pool) any old time. we shot an indie movie here recently. nagulat ako dahil ang ganda-ganda pala nya--the towering mountain ranges of Sierra Madre (Sierra Madre nga ba yun?), the river boulders, the raging white waters of the batis, the falls that spans the dam's entire breadth. when i was a kid i dreamed of having a batis in our backyard. kung pwede lang sanang may Wawa dam sa likod bahay namin ngayon!

5. subic, zambales. the most accessible beach crib there is, in my book. hindi kasing ganda ng bolinao or cebu pero maganda na rin at madaling puntahan. i've lost count of the times that i've been to subic but the most memorable treks i'd had was almost twenty years ago (in White Rock--we tagged along with my ninong na member ng exclusive resort na to), when we shot Da Pwamis early this year (even got to ride a yacht with R1chard Guti3rrez! kumusta naman yun!), and of course, my Kew-pids day-at-the-beach with the co-workers (including Frog Princess. naks!). malamang sa Subic ang lagpak ko next week (knock on wood! sana wala nang kontra!). good enough for me. hoping, praying, wishing for happy, sunny (and prosperous) beach days ahead!

hay. days are getting hotter. minsan naiisip ko, sana, june na. sana, tapos na ang latest season ng B@h@y ni K0ya. wala na ko don pero somehow apektado pa rin ang buhay ko. ehe. kumusta naman yun!

a day in the life

ang iniiiiiiiiit.

gusto kong mag-beach.
gusto kong mag-Wawa Dam.
gusto kong magbabad sa isang malaking lababo.

* * *

24 hours ago. we were shooting in a semi-posh hotel suite for the j@de movie. me on let's-get-going-mode, despite the light schedule and the controlled environment. we've been shooting for 8 days and this location was actually the most comfy of all so far.

shoot was wrapped at 1237 in the morning. a record, for this movie.
it was someone's birthday so we hung out for a while. i wanted to stay in the semi-posh suite with the others but i opted to go home instead. i still had things to do for the remaining five-or-six shooting days.

missing someone.

when i got home i gave my mother a hug. i owed her that.

i love my mom.

* * *

48 hours ago. no shoot. still hadn't recovered yet from the puyatan and ngaragan of the past three days. nurtured a secret tampo towards someone. got into a fight with my mother. was crying at 1 am. haha. the first time i actually cried my heart out in a long time.

i'm busy most of the time but that day was the first time that i pretended to be, even if i was not. just to spite/test/hit back at someone.

kung alam mo lang ang totoo. kahit busy ako, lagi akong magkakaroon ng oras para sa yo.

* * *

72 hours ago. we were all over the metro. from the suburbs of caloocan to a tony resto in quezon circle to the suburbs of UP village. haha. that's a little exaggeration, but it was a looooong day for the j@de movie, with emotion-laden scenes-to-be-shot on the schedule. we wrapped at 6 am, with one scene dropped from the sked.

hot, hot, hot weather. what's new.

* * *

96 hours ago. on the set of the @ngel movie. a long action sequence, with guns and armory and all that jazz.

i'd gone from one shoot to this one, slept in somebody's house the night before. i was a bit out-of-my-wits, but still functioning.

still missing someone, though.

* * *

gusto kong manood ng The Reaping. pero itutulog ko na lang ang araw na to. i owe my body that.

whirlwind sunshine in a timeful of sand, part two

one morning i was woken up by a phone call. it was the AD i'd met on the set of a movie and got to work with for one shooting day. at the end of the shooting day he'd gotten my number and said that he'd call me when he'd need someone like me.

and then that morning. the question. the offer. i want to include you on the list. will you be available? happiness. because once again i'm being promised another day in the sun. literally. in the sun, with the sand, plus sparkling blue waters.

i want, i want! what wonderful promising news to wake up to!
sana, sana.

* * *

i love the summer. i hate the heat, the humid windless afternoons, but combine the sun with the sea and that sets summer apart from the usual tropical sunny day. i'm mesmerized by visions of it. of achingly beautiful pictures waiting to be immortalized on my digicam, of golden sunsets and cooling sands under my feet, of seashells and lapping waves at low tide. of infinite blue skies above me and tranquil waters around me, endless, endless moments of calm. parang ang layo layo ng lahat, naiwan lahat sa dalampasigan, sa lupa.

gusto kong maging mermaid. feeling ko sa dagat talaga ko pinanganak.

* * *

sana matuloy. if ever, there would only be one reason to hold me back, a shadow that would mar my sunny happy thoughts, but i know that it wouldn't be all that bad.

* * *
on second thought, there's another cause of rue. should my sun-sand-sea adventure push through, i wouldn't be able to work with the Direk on his latest project. that would be sad. kasi gusto kong makatrabaho ulit si Direk. he's my personal hero! chos!

pero mahaba pa ang buhay, at maliit lang ang mundo. more chances would come. more projects, more new people to meet, more moments to keep in my mental time capsules. we should think beyond the past and the present. and nurture no dangerously intense attachments.

teka, san ba ko nanggagaling?

wala, ako lang nakakaintindi sa sarili ko.

* * *
di ko alam kung matutuwa ako. siguro nga natutuwa ako. someone has said na sana hindi matuloy ang sun-sand-sea adventure ko para makuha nya ko sa project nya. putcha. ayoko nun. pwede siguro, ma-postpone (para i can have my cake and eat it too. haha). for a month, maybe. natutuwa ako kasi wala syang maisip na ibang tao para gawin yung trabaho ko. siguro dahil na rin sa kakulangan sa mga taong may training na. dahil ang mga scriptcon of olden times, nagsipag-asawa na o nag-career shift na o nag-abroad na. at sa mangilan-ngilan sa ming still in the biz, hindi lahat nakakapag-submit sa requirements ng mga bossing. flattered ako dun. i work hard, i try to keep myself on my toes, at pag naa-appreciate yun, malaking reward. malaking boost ng morale. kasi kahit sinong may pagpapapahalaga sa trabaho nya, kelangan yon. and the most tangible evidence na naa-appreciate nila ang trabaho mo is a job offer. because we survive on referrals, on connections, on people who would hire us on a per-project basis. masaya pag nagtitiwala sila sa yo. masaya pag sinasabi nilang maayos ang trabaho mo. kung may mga bagay man sa trabaho mo na tinitiis mo na lang, halos napupunan na ng appreciation na ganon.

* * *
pero naghahanap ako ng ibang soul food.
for a different kind of hunger.
the kind of hunger that surfaces each time i'd remember. once upon a time, gumagawa ako ng sarili kong pelikula.
when i'm at work, parang natatabunan na yon. yung creative side, the right-brain side. in favor of doing the things that should be done. dahil sa nature ng trabaho. logic. memory. organization. system. minsan may mga moments na hindi ko ma-determine kung maganda nga ba ang eksenang na-execute namin. kasi ang iniisip ko, basta happy ang direk at hindi naman sobrang ka-chakahan ang eksena as for it to really stand out, solved ako. we're pushing through with the shooting schedule. we're gonna get it done. basta ok ang continuity, basta hindi saliwa ang shots, basta documented ang bawat take at lente at aperture in my log sheet, i'm happy. kasi yun naman ang trabaho ko. i've long left the creative critiquing to the ones who are assigned those jobs.

kakalungkot. pero naniniwala ako na as long as you have it in you, you can summon it back to life. life has distracted me. pero promise ko sa sarili ko, babalikan ko din yan.

* * *
i dream of going places with him. places that i myself would want to go to. i want to share the sun and the sea and the sunset, the mountains and the pines and lovely up-north streets, the view of taal and the rolling plains.

i dream of all these and i tell him. and each time he would answer me the same thing. he'd go with my anywhere, he doesn't really care. but he would go so long as i'm with him.

haha. i've heard this in countless movies before. pero masarap pa ring pakinggan.

* * *
moments should be kept in a time capsule and left alone. dahil mahaba pa ang buhay, at marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay mo.

* * *
belated happy easter!