one morning i was woken up by a phone call. it was the AD i'd met on the set of a movie and got to work with for one shooting day. at the end of the shooting day he'd gotten my number and said that he'd call me when he'd need someone like me.
and then that morning. the question. the offer. i want to include you on the list. will you be available? happiness. because once again i'm being promised another day in the sun. literally. in the sun, with the sand, plus sparkling blue waters.
i want, i want! what wonderful promising news to wake up to!
sana, sana.
* * *
i love the summer. i hate the heat, the humid windless afternoons, but combine the sun with the sea and that sets summer apart from the usual tropical sunny day. i'm mesmerized by visions of it. of achingly beautiful pictures waiting to be immortalized on my digicam, of golden sunsets and cooling sands under my feet, of seashells and lapping waves at low tide. of infinite blue skies above me and tranquil waters around me, endless, endless moments of calm. parang ang layo layo ng lahat, naiwan lahat sa dalampasigan, sa lupa.
gusto kong maging mermaid. feeling ko sa dagat talaga ko pinanganak.
* * *
sana matuloy. if ever, there would only be one reason to hold me back, a shadow that would mar my sunny happy thoughts, but i know that it wouldn't be all that bad.
* * *
on second thought, there's another cause of rue. should my sun-sand-sea adventure push through, i wouldn't be able to work with the Direk on his latest project. that would be sad. kasi gusto kong makatrabaho ulit si Direk. he's my personal hero! chos!
pero mahaba pa ang buhay, at maliit lang ang mundo. more chances would come. more projects, more new people to meet, more moments to keep in my mental time capsules. we should think beyond the past and the present. and nurture no dangerously intense attachments.
teka, san ba ko nanggagaling?
wala, ako lang nakakaintindi sa sarili ko.
* * *
di ko alam kung matutuwa ako. siguro nga natutuwa ako. someone has said na sana hindi matuloy ang sun-sand-sea adventure ko para makuha nya ko sa project nya. putcha. ayoko nun. pwede siguro, ma-postpone (para i can have my cake and eat it too. haha). for a month, maybe. natutuwa ako kasi wala syang maisip na ibang tao para gawin yung trabaho ko. siguro dahil na rin sa kakulangan sa mga taong may training na. dahil ang mga scriptcon of olden times, nagsipag-asawa na o nag-career shift na o nag-abroad na. at sa mangilan-ngilan sa ming still in the biz, hindi lahat nakakapag-submit sa requirements ng mga bossing. flattered ako dun. i work hard, i try to keep myself on my toes, at pag naa-appreciate yun, malaking reward. malaking boost ng morale. kasi kahit sinong may pagpapapahalaga sa trabaho nya, kelangan yon. and the most tangible evidence na naa-appreciate nila ang trabaho mo is a job offer. because we survive on referrals, on connections, on people who would hire us on a per-project basis. masaya pag nagtitiwala sila sa yo. masaya pag sinasabi nilang maayos ang trabaho mo. kung may mga bagay man sa trabaho mo na tinitiis mo na lang, halos napupunan na ng appreciation na ganon.
* * *
pero naghahanap ako ng ibang soul food.
for a different kind of hunger.
the kind of hunger that surfaces each time i'd remember. once upon a time, gumagawa ako ng sarili kong pelikula.
when i'm at work, parang natatabunan na yon. yung creative side, the right-brain side. in favor of doing the things that should be done. dahil sa nature ng trabaho. logic. memory. organization. system. minsan may mga moments na hindi ko ma-determine kung maganda nga ba ang eksenang na-execute namin. kasi ang iniisip ko, basta happy ang direk at hindi naman sobrang ka-chakahan ang eksena as for it to really stand out, solved ako. we're pushing through with the shooting schedule. we're gonna get it done. basta ok ang continuity, basta hindi saliwa ang shots, basta documented ang bawat take at lente at aperture in my log sheet, i'm happy. kasi yun naman ang trabaho ko. i've long left the creative critiquing to the ones who are assigned those jobs.
kakalungkot. pero naniniwala ako na as long as you have it in you, you can summon it back to life. life has distracted me. pero promise ko sa sarili ko, babalikan ko din yan.
* * *
i dream of going places with him. places that i myself would want to go to. i want to share the sun and the sea and the sunset, the mountains and the pines and lovely up-north streets, the view of taal and the rolling plains.
i dream of all these and i tell him. and each time he would answer me the same thing. he'd go with my anywhere, he doesn't really care. but he would go so long as i'm with him.
haha. i've heard this in countless movies before. pero masarap pa ring pakinggan.
* * *
moments should be kept in a time capsule and left alone. dahil mahaba pa ang buhay, at marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay mo.
* * *
belated happy easter!
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