dreams of an insomniac

it's 5:25 am. just about to kiss the world goodnight.
hindi ko maramdaman ang pasko. pero alam ko, babawi sa kin ang enero.
ang buong 2009, for that matter.

* * *

awake, i dream of europe.
paris,
the seine,
the french countryside,
the anchor-milk black-on-white cows,
the brick-covered streets,
the sumptuous buffet breakfasts,
the kissing lovers on a pedestrian lane,
the filthy-rich filthy-lit filthy-glamorous champs elysees,
the postcard-perfect grebes on ponds,
the postcard-perfect flowerbeds,
the postcard-perfect spires and facades,
that famous paris museum--what's it called? the louvre!,
the freezing cold nights and freezing cold mornings,
the subway trains and their killer sliding doors,
the handsome beggars and their bagpipes,
the sacre couer the sex shops the dingy boarding-house-type hostels,
the eiffel tower from afar,
the first fine-dining resto i'd ever been to on that side of the world,
the indian national who'd taken me there,
the two cute turks in that cobblestone alley,
the musk-smelling theaters,
the lights, the language, the freaking good food, the feel of the foreign wind on my bare face, the snow that i never saw, the airport na nakalimutan ko na ang itsura, the first photo that i ever took on my first morning in gloomy january (brown spires and rooftops, skeletons of trees), and i can go on and on and on and FRIGGIN on.

strangely, 60% of the time, i had wanted to go home.

* * *

i could go anywhere, ANYWHERE in the world, if i choose to. but it would require me to board a ship and stay there for years. it would require me to take on a job and slave away and be away for a while. in exchange, i'd see the world. i'd post pics on facebook and friendster and here of this and that city and country, of tanned me wearing a bikini and a pearly-white grin. i'd call my parents and hear their happy voices, and know that they had just gotten what i'd sent them. i'd go home every now and then with hard-earned money and live like a queen til the next ship sails.

that's one way. and there's another way.
that other way, the way i had gotten that free european trip before. that's harder. at least, the way i see it now.

maybe not as hard as i think. surely. i believe. i know.
i will be back to that place. and i don't have to work on ship just to be able to do so.

soon. someday. within this lifetime.

* * *

i dream of a car, too. a car of which the driver is me. cruising along paved pretty roads on a sunday afternoon, with happy ne-yo crooning on the car stereo.
and me, looking spiffy in corporate dress. looking rich. being rich.

an HD tv.
fine dining. anywhere, anytime, like how i would go kfc-ing now.
properties, everywhere.
a new laptop.
my own house.
everything that i want that i don't have now.
moolah, for life.
and the occasional trip to anywhere in the world.

* * *

back to reality.
i hate having to back out of a commitment. telling them is the hardest part. pano ko sasabihin. pano kung magalit. may rason silang magalit, if ever. or madala. for the very fact na um-oo na ko, tapos biglang ayoko na.

baka low eq lang to.
pero hindi ako excited, at malamang kakain sya ng oras ko.
ang tamad tamad ko na ngayon.

* * *

i can't get enough of seeing her.
she's one of the loveliest things about being home.
siguro ganito ang pakiramdam pag may anak ka. makita mo lang, natutuwa ka na.

natutuwa ako sa kulay nya.
she reminds me of ice cream.
she's part chocolate, part mocha, part vanilla.

i really want to find a perfect mate for her.
a persian, or a siamese, or kahit tabby na rin pwede na.
basta WAG-LANG-PUSAKAL.
no offense. i'm planning to sell my grandchildren.

haha!

* * *

6 am. sunrise?
really kissing the world goodnight now.