chicken

want out. no like. forget. turn away.
self-preservation. survival mechanism. cowardice.
sometimes it's easier to think the grapes are sour. it's easier to just DROP it. so much easier than facing ugly things and tackling them.

bad habit. i know.
but fuck it, so what. matigas ang ulo ko e.

* * *

there are days that you want to forget and memories that you want to just turn away from. careers that you don't want to pursue anymore, and people you don't want to see anymore for the rest of your present life. there are days when you just want to sleep your life away and wonder if you will ever be in so-called "fighting form" again. you wish you had the fire of the 19-year-old back then. you wish you weren't feeling so gawdang old.

too tired, too tired. it's your favorite expression. but "tired" is probably not what it's really called. you just lost it, period. you've become a wallflower. a mediocre simpleton who's content on settling in her little corner of the universe. a non-entity who's just passing through.

too tired to fight. too tired to be positive. too tired to face ugly things and turn them into "pointers" for the future.

maybe this is just a bad day. so i'm gonna sleep on it.
but i just realized that i'm that way when it comes to stuff like that. i bail. in that sense, i'm a big fat CHICKEN. big time.