thing is, i think i'm not the worst procrastinator there is on the face of the earth. i've heard of worse. but i'm just a crass as well. especially if, this time around, i wouldn't be able to beat the deadline because of it.
when i'm worried about the bulk of the work, i start early. i push myself. strangely, when i've assessed the work to be relatively light, i go easy on myself. i procrastinate. which i hate. because now, as in right now, i have to go full-blast. non-stop. dahil hanggang kahapon at kagabi lang ang allowed time-to-procrastinate ko. if i don't friggin move NOW, i'll be late for tomorrow.
haaay. the internet is a distraction. might as well get rid of it for now.
* * *
i'm not feeling very happy. worried, for no concrete reason.
pero hindi dapat. kasi, i'm going to be the Tenacious Bitch. haha. never surrender. never say die. and i will always be open, open, open. there will always be enough room for learning. and i will learn. i will study. i will learn the ropes til i'm good enough to be on my own.
* * *
pregnant cats are more affectionate. nakikita ko yun kay keanna. sana ganito pa rin sya kahit hindi na sya buntis. i wish the babies will come out all looking pretty.
btw, i still HATE the pusakal who caused all these. whoever he friggin is.
* * *
sunny, sunny day. what i need is fresh air. fresh ideas. for now, and for the coming days ahead.
* * *
sana makapag-beach ako this summer. gusto ko talaga.
okay enough. GET TO WORK!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
confirmed
i didn't take her to a vet but just by looking at her, i've confirmed. my cat's pregnant. her bulge is growing by the day and the multiple breasts are filling up with what seems like milk.
and like any other "lola" (me! lola!? hehe), i've graduated from my initial reaction of anger to a kind of happy anticipation. and yes, a slight anxiety, about my baby giving a safe healthy birth to a healthy litter. so i try my best to give her extra care. extra food. extra carefulness when i hold her.
she'll probably give birth next month. :-)
and like any other "lola" (me! lola!? hehe), i've graduated from my initial reaction of anger to a kind of happy anticipation. and yes, a slight anxiety, about my baby giving a safe healthy birth to a healthy litter. so i try my best to give her extra care. extra food. extra carefulness when i hold her.
she'll probably give birth next month. :-)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
it's beginning to smell like summer...
..o baka false alarm lang. baka heat wave lang, at lilipas din.
even the rain feels like summer rain.
and the ripe mangoes are starting to appear. summer smells like ripe mangoes, sweet and sticky. yea, sticky is a smell to me, sometimes.
dati lagi kong sinasabi na summer ang favorite time of the year ko. noon kasi, on top of everything else, bakasyon sya from school. pero ngayon pantay-pantay na ang lahat ng seasons in my book. vacation or not, hindi ko talaga sila maiko-compare, kasi every season has its beauty, sa totoo lang.
gusto ko pag tag-ulan, because i love the smell of the wet earth. pagkatapos ng ulan, yung alimuom, nakakaadik amuyin. feeling ko the earth is reborn everytime it rains. i love the downcast skies, the cold wind, the sound of rain. naaalala ko nung 14 ako, it was a rainy windy afternoon, may bagyo at ang sarap sarap ng hangin. napasulat ako ng tula nung mga sandaling yon (oo dumaan ako sa pagpapaka-poet), dahil sobrang overwhelmed ako sa ganda ng panahon. enhanced lahat ng senses ko. kadalasan din noon, pag umuulan, napapaisip ako about love. hehe.
gusto ko pag around october to november, because of its sunny breezy mornings. naaalala ko nung 21 ako, when i would sit in the lanai of our house, with coffee and the morning paper. nakangiti ang araw pero presko ang panahon, tas sinasabayan pa ang hangin ng indayog ng mga puno, leaves making those rustling sounds against each other as they sway along with the breeze. nakaka-pacify.
which reminds me of (again, i'm such a senti) my one afternoon alone sa UP Lagoon. wish ko lang noon na sana may katagpo ako doon (notorious kasi ang Lagoon bilang tagpuan at lampungan--haha, 80s!-- spot ng mga estudyante sa UP), pero nandon ako para mag-shoot ng mga tree canopies for an experimental class project. ganung-ganon ang panahon, it was february but it felt like october. that was a perfect day, weather-wise.
gusto ko din pag disyembre, because i love it when it's cold. lalo na sa gabi, and everywhere you go puro sparkling happy christmas lights ang makikita mo, and on vacation/celebratory mode ang karamihan sa mga tao. (although mas gusto ko ang pasko pag marami akong moolah, yun na ang perfect christmas para sa kin. hehe)
ngayon, pagkatapos ng maraming gabi na balot ako ng kumot pagtulog at walang electric fan all night, lumalagkit ang pakiramdam ng air. yuyu-humid. gusto ko ang summer because it conjures images of the sea, the beach, fun fun outings. yun ang ideal summer, by the beach, pero kahit hindi, maaalala ko pa rin ang summer for the smell of mangoes. for my memories of countless summer vacations spent at home. yung init at alinsangan, yung malamig na coke, kaing-kaing ng mangga na binili minsan ng nanay ko one summer in '91. sarap.
pero syempre, trademark na ng summer ang beach. favorite memory ko noon nung 1998, sa batangas yata yon. nagfo-floating ako sa dagat, nakatingin lang sa mga ulap. para lang akong nakahiga sa kama (ay hinde, it was way better than that), at nakatitig sa kisame ng kwarto ko. the sky was my endless ceiling, and it was strangely comforting, and i felt like i was being lulled to sleep by the sea. i felt so small. everytime confronted ako with the beauty and power of nature, naaalala ko si god.
at ang scoring ng memorable moment na yon sa utak ko ay "With or Without You" ng U2. hindi ko alam kung bakit, basta pag pinapatugtog yung kantang yon, sumusulpot ang memory kong yon ng dagat.
* * *
gusto kong magturo. kaso hindi ako confident mag-apply. natatakot akong ma-reject ng mga stalwarts sa film school. hehe.
even the rain feels like summer rain.
and the ripe mangoes are starting to appear. summer smells like ripe mangoes, sweet and sticky. yea, sticky is a smell to me, sometimes.
dati lagi kong sinasabi na summer ang favorite time of the year ko. noon kasi, on top of everything else, bakasyon sya from school. pero ngayon pantay-pantay na ang lahat ng seasons in my book. vacation or not, hindi ko talaga sila maiko-compare, kasi every season has its beauty, sa totoo lang.
gusto ko pag tag-ulan, because i love the smell of the wet earth. pagkatapos ng ulan, yung alimuom, nakakaadik amuyin. feeling ko the earth is reborn everytime it rains. i love the downcast skies, the cold wind, the sound of rain. naaalala ko nung 14 ako, it was a rainy windy afternoon, may bagyo at ang sarap sarap ng hangin. napasulat ako ng tula nung mga sandaling yon (oo dumaan ako sa pagpapaka-poet), dahil sobrang overwhelmed ako sa ganda ng panahon. enhanced lahat ng senses ko. kadalasan din noon, pag umuulan, napapaisip ako about love. hehe.
gusto ko pag around october to november, because of its sunny breezy mornings. naaalala ko nung 21 ako, when i would sit in the lanai of our house, with coffee and the morning paper. nakangiti ang araw pero presko ang panahon, tas sinasabayan pa ang hangin ng indayog ng mga puno, leaves making those rustling sounds against each other as they sway along with the breeze. nakaka-pacify.
which reminds me of (again, i'm such a senti) my one afternoon alone sa UP Lagoon. wish ko lang noon na sana may katagpo ako doon (notorious kasi ang Lagoon bilang tagpuan at lampungan--haha, 80s!-- spot ng mga estudyante sa UP), pero nandon ako para mag-shoot ng mga tree canopies for an experimental class project. ganung-ganon ang panahon, it was february but it felt like october. that was a perfect day, weather-wise.
gusto ko din pag disyembre, because i love it when it's cold. lalo na sa gabi, and everywhere you go puro sparkling happy christmas lights ang makikita mo, and on vacation/celebratory mode ang karamihan sa mga tao. (although mas gusto ko ang pasko pag marami akong moolah, yun na ang perfect christmas para sa kin. hehe)
ngayon, pagkatapos ng maraming gabi na balot ako ng kumot pagtulog at walang electric fan all night, lumalagkit ang pakiramdam ng air. yuyu-humid. gusto ko ang summer because it conjures images of the sea, the beach, fun fun outings. yun ang ideal summer, by the beach, pero kahit hindi, maaalala ko pa rin ang summer for the smell of mangoes. for my memories of countless summer vacations spent at home. yung init at alinsangan, yung malamig na coke, kaing-kaing ng mangga na binili minsan ng nanay ko one summer in '91. sarap.
pero syempre, trademark na ng summer ang beach. favorite memory ko noon nung 1998, sa batangas yata yon. nagfo-floating ako sa dagat, nakatingin lang sa mga ulap. para lang akong nakahiga sa kama (ay hinde, it was way better than that), at nakatitig sa kisame ng kwarto ko. the sky was my endless ceiling, and it was strangely comforting, and i felt like i was being lulled to sleep by the sea. i felt so small. everytime confronted ako with the beauty and power of nature, naaalala ko si god.
at ang scoring ng memorable moment na yon sa utak ko ay "With or Without You" ng U2. hindi ko alam kung bakit, basta pag pinapatugtog yung kantang yon, sumusulpot ang memory kong yon ng dagat.
* * *
gusto kong magturo. kaso hindi ako confident mag-apply. natatakot akong ma-reject ng mga stalwarts sa film school. hehe.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
preggy?
i can ignore it all i want, but the signs are there.
the bulging belly. the significant weight gain. the unusually protruding nipples. and my heart bleeds with worry. naiinis ako, lalo na dun sa lalake, kung sinuman syang manyakis sya. grrr!
i'm worried that keanna's pregnant. by some pusakal out there who stole her cherry behind my back. i hate it! she's supposed to be a virgin! hindi nga sya lumalabas ng bahay! 11 months old lang sya! at ang balak ko, ipagkasundo sya sa isang siamese cat din, para magaganda ang mga anak! tapos ito lang ang kahihinatnan? my cat is going to give birth to friggin half-breeds by some ugly alley tom? arghh!
mommy is very disappointed, keekee. pero wag kang mag-aalala, tatanggapin ko pa rin ang mga apo ko. hehe. kahit lumabas pa silang mukhang weird dahil chaka ang tatay nila. haha.
ipa-pregnancy test ko kaya si keekee para makasigurado? pwede ba ang pregnancy kit sa mga pusa? kaso baka pag bumili ako ng pregnancy kit at makita ng nanay ko, isipin pa nya ako ang gagamit. ehehe.
the bulging belly. the significant weight gain. the unusually protruding nipples. and my heart bleeds with worry. naiinis ako, lalo na dun sa lalake, kung sinuman syang manyakis sya. grrr!
i'm worried that keanna's pregnant. by some pusakal out there who stole her cherry behind my back. i hate it! she's supposed to be a virgin! hindi nga sya lumalabas ng bahay! 11 months old lang sya! at ang balak ko, ipagkasundo sya sa isang siamese cat din, para magaganda ang mga anak! tapos ito lang ang kahihinatnan? my cat is going to give birth to friggin half-breeds by some ugly alley tom? arghh!
mommy is very disappointed, keekee. pero wag kang mag-aalala, tatanggapin ko pa rin ang mga apo ko. hehe. kahit lumabas pa silang mukhang weird dahil chaka ang tatay nila. haha.
ipa-pregnancy test ko kaya si keekee para makasigurado? pwede ba ang pregnancy kit sa mga pusa? kaso baka pag bumili ako ng pregnancy kit at makita ng nanay ko, isipin pa nya ako ang gagamit. ehehe.
Monday, February 16, 2009
3:32 am
i'm an addict, yes. so crucify me.
dapat natutulog na. bad sa skin ang puyat. tse.
* * *
was surfing the net nang mapag-tripan kong i-google (ulit) ang sarili ko. gusto kong makita kung may latest signs-of-existence pa ba ko sa cyberspace. 2003 pa kasi yung huli kong silip ng mga updates. yeah, i google myself. i'm a narcissist for punishment. hah.
one of the latest was about my thesis. how so 2003. the writer called it my "diploma film". napayosi ako bigla. kung iisipin ko ngayon, parang di ako makapaniwala. para kasing sobrang tagal na. parang ibang tao na yung gumawa non.
people change. and they can change for the better or for the worse. the me of 2003 would've undoubtedly concluded that i, at 28, have changed for the worse. but she probably didn't know better. she would have had to live through six more years to be able to understand why i think i've changed for the better now.
a bit for the better. to a certain extent. at least life's no longer all about a selfish dream anymore.
ewan ko. siguro sinasabi ko lang 'to para mabigyan ng excuse ang mga pagkukulang ko sa life. ang mga perceived failures and missed chances. ang mga bagay na dati ay pinangarap kong gawin na eventually ay naging lost memories na lang. at least, for now. hangga't di pa naman ako dead lagi namang pwedeng magbago ang kahit ano.
masarap lang talaga pag bata ka, at may goal ka, and to a certain extent mabibigay sa yo ang isang kapiraso ng pangarap na yon. thanks to the "diploma film", ganun ang naramdaman ko. naging passport ko din sya sa maraming bagay, sa mundo outside of school. pero in a way siguro naging masama siya para sa akin. i lacked maturity. despite my wanting to believe at that time that i knew what i was doing, ang totoo, wala pa talaga kong masyadong alam. my head understood this then, but secretly, i was stubborn.
kasi, learning is a lifelong process. you can never learn enough. to believe otherwise can only mean na either immature ka, arogante ka, or both.
* * *
nalungkot ako bigla.
parang na-meet ko ang isang ex.
tas pinaalala nya yung happy days namin together noon.
* * *
come to think of it, in a way, i've deteriorated. sensibilities-wise.
basahin ko pa lang ang mga blog entries ko at ikumpara sya noon, obvious na obvious na. hay.
dapat natutulog na. bad sa skin ang puyat. tse.
* * *
was surfing the net nang mapag-tripan kong i-google (ulit) ang sarili ko. gusto kong makita kung may latest signs-of-existence pa ba ko sa cyberspace. 2003 pa kasi yung huli kong silip ng mga updates. yeah, i google myself. i'm a narcissist for punishment. hah.
one of the latest was about my thesis. how so 2003. the writer called it my "diploma film". napayosi ako bigla. kung iisipin ko ngayon, parang di ako makapaniwala. para kasing sobrang tagal na. parang ibang tao na yung gumawa non.
people change. and they can change for the better or for the worse. the me of 2003 would've undoubtedly concluded that i, at 28, have changed for the worse. but she probably didn't know better. she would have had to live through six more years to be able to understand why i think i've changed for the better now.
a bit for the better. to a certain extent. at least life's no longer all about a selfish dream anymore.
ewan ko. siguro sinasabi ko lang 'to para mabigyan ng excuse ang mga pagkukulang ko sa life. ang mga perceived failures and missed chances. ang mga bagay na dati ay pinangarap kong gawin na eventually ay naging lost memories na lang. at least, for now. hangga't di pa naman ako dead lagi namang pwedeng magbago ang kahit ano.
masarap lang talaga pag bata ka, at may goal ka, and to a certain extent mabibigay sa yo ang isang kapiraso ng pangarap na yon. thanks to the "diploma film", ganun ang naramdaman ko. naging passport ko din sya sa maraming bagay, sa mundo outside of school. pero in a way siguro naging masama siya para sa akin. i lacked maturity. despite my wanting to believe at that time that i knew what i was doing, ang totoo, wala pa talaga kong masyadong alam. my head understood this then, but secretly, i was stubborn.
kasi, learning is a lifelong process. you can never learn enough. to believe otherwise can only mean na either immature ka, arogante ka, or both.
* * *
nalungkot ako bigla.
parang na-meet ko ang isang ex.
tas pinaalala nya yung happy days namin together noon.
* * *
come to think of it, in a way, i've deteriorated. sensibilities-wise.
basahin ko pa lang ang mga blog entries ko at ikumpara sya noon, obvious na obvious na. hay.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
starstruck pa rin
wow! nag-friend request sa kin si @ng3l l0cs1n sa facebuk!
at first i was doubtful kung siya yon talaga o hindi. pero mukhang siya nga, kasi maraming peeps-in-the-industry ang nagko-comment sa wall nya. at yung totoong name nya ang gamit nya: @ngel1ca c0lmen@res. haha! hindi ko nga alam na @ngelica pala ang totoong name ni @ngel!
na-flatter naman daw ako. hehe. nakatrabaho na si @ngel sa mangilan-ngilang projects, pero ang artista ay artista. beyond the working environment, hi-hello lang ang alam kong relationship with them. kaya nagulat naman ako na naalala pa ko ni @ngel.
hindi pa rin pala ako immune sa pagiging starstruck. :-)
* * *
starstruck din ako kanina sa story conference ng show namin. ang kyut kyut pala ni m@tt ev@ns in person. at hindi ko talaga napigilan ang sarili kong magpapicture kay w1lliam l0renzo. bilang sya ang dating rumored jowa ni l1no brocka. for that, he's reached cult status, at least in my book. haha. in fairness sa kanya, may itsu pa rin kahit may edad-edad na. :-)
* * *
hay. life.
i'm just praying here.
na sana, ituro sa akin ang tamang direksyon. na sana hindi ako ma-lost sa smorgasbord of choices. smorgasbord daw o. sana nga, it will turn out to be a smorgasbord very soon. a real one, a nakakatakam one. dahil mas masarap problemahin ang masyadong maraming options kesa yung wala.
lord, gusto ko. i just need your guidance. and blessing. for the future. it's not going to be about me anymore. may mga madadamay. kelangan ko talaga ang tulong nyo. sana mag-materialize sila into real stuff. beneficial stuff.
* * *
miss ko si oso.
* * *
dalaga na ang keanna ko.
may bago akong alaga, twin plants-in-pots. di ko alam kung anong klaseng halaman sila pero violet kulay nila. i named them Au-Au and Monica.
dumadami ang mga anak ko. :-)
* * *
lock-in tomorrow til friday.
something to submit by friday midnight.
valentimes on saturday.
airing of my first-ever episode for the show on sunday.
wow, daming highlights ng life. happy ako. sana madagdagan pa. :-)
at first i was doubtful kung siya yon talaga o hindi. pero mukhang siya nga, kasi maraming peeps-in-the-industry ang nagko-comment sa wall nya. at yung totoong name nya ang gamit nya: @ngel1ca c0lmen@res. haha! hindi ko nga alam na @ngelica pala ang totoong name ni @ngel!
na-flatter naman daw ako. hehe. nakatrabaho na si @ngel sa mangilan-ngilang projects, pero ang artista ay artista. beyond the working environment, hi-hello lang ang alam kong relationship with them. kaya nagulat naman ako na naalala pa ko ni @ngel.
hindi pa rin pala ako immune sa pagiging starstruck. :-)
* * *
starstruck din ako kanina sa story conference ng show namin. ang kyut kyut pala ni m@tt ev@ns in person. at hindi ko talaga napigilan ang sarili kong magpapicture kay w1lliam l0renzo. bilang sya ang dating rumored jowa ni l1no brocka. for that, he's reached cult status, at least in my book. haha. in fairness sa kanya, may itsu pa rin kahit may edad-edad na. :-)
* * *
hay. life.
i'm just praying here.
na sana, ituro sa akin ang tamang direksyon. na sana hindi ako ma-lost sa smorgasbord of choices. smorgasbord daw o. sana nga, it will turn out to be a smorgasbord very soon. a real one, a nakakatakam one. dahil mas masarap problemahin ang masyadong maraming options kesa yung wala.
lord, gusto ko. i just need your guidance. and blessing. for the future. it's not going to be about me anymore. may mga madadamay. kelangan ko talaga ang tulong nyo. sana mag-materialize sila into real stuff. beneficial stuff.
* * *
miss ko si oso.
* * *
dalaga na ang keanna ko.
may bago akong alaga, twin plants-in-pots. di ko alam kung anong klaseng halaman sila pero violet kulay nila. i named them Au-Au and Monica.
dumadami ang mga anak ko. :-)
* * *
lock-in tomorrow til friday.
something to submit by friday midnight.
valentimes on saturday.
airing of my first-ever episode for the show on sunday.
wow, daming highlights ng life. happy ako. sana madagdagan pa. :-)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
diyes and good years to come
dahil sobrang uso ang 25 things about you ngayon (at tinatamad akong gumawa ng sarili kong 25 things---andami kasi), may nahalukay ako sa blog archives ko na parang ganon din.
2005 pa ito. masipag pa kong mag-blog.
10 random facts about you
1.i can stay awake through the most unholy hours. --> GANUN PA RIN. BUT WHEN I DO, I'M DEAD ASLEEP TIL 2PM THE NEXT DAY.
2.i'll never get caught wearing some sweet-girl skirt. --> SABI KO NA EH. DI DAPAT NAGSASALITA NG TAPOS. ;-)
3.i don't wear a watch. --> STILL DON'T.
4.i hate forwarded messages, unless they mean other than what they superficially mean. --> SAME SAME. BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD STILL ENTERTAIN FORWARDED MSGS WITH, ERM, SUBTEXTS IN THEM.
5.i like taking campics of myself and our baby-on-the-house. --> THE BABY IS NOW A LITTLE MONSTER AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING A LOT OF CAM PICS LATELY
6.i spend more than i should. grrr. --> OLD HABITS DIE HARD.
7.i like babies, cats, and a few select dogs. haha ihanay ba ang babies sa hayop.
--> SAME SAME. OH, AND I LIKE BEARS, TOO. THE BIG BROWN BABYISH KIND.
8.i'm thinking of having a haircut. --> I'M THINKING OF HAVING A REBOND.
9.i smoke habitually. gross out. --> AND THE GROSSING OUT GOES ON.
10. sometimes i wish i could fly. or stop time. --> I WISH I COULD DO A LOT OF MAGICAL THINGS. I HAVE SO MANY WISHES. SOBRA.
hay. nagiging senti na naman ako.
bigla kong na-miss ang 2005. at 2006. actually, 2006 was a very lucky year for me. lucky in many ways and many aspects.
i will have many more years-like-that to come. :-)
2005 pa ito. masipag pa kong mag-blog.
10 random facts about you
1.i can stay awake through the most unholy hours. --> GANUN PA RIN. BUT WHEN I DO, I'M DEAD ASLEEP TIL 2PM THE NEXT DAY.
2.i'll never get caught wearing some sweet-girl skirt. --> SABI KO NA EH. DI DAPAT NAGSASALITA NG TAPOS. ;-)
3.i don't wear a watch. --> STILL DON'T.
4.i hate forwarded messages, unless they mean other than what they superficially mean. --> SAME SAME. BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD STILL ENTERTAIN FORWARDED MSGS WITH, ERM, SUBTEXTS IN THEM.
5.i like taking campics of myself and our baby-on-the-house. --> THE BABY IS NOW A LITTLE MONSTER AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING A LOT OF CAM PICS LATELY
6.i spend more than i should. grrr. --> OLD HABITS DIE HARD.
7.i like babies, cats, and a few select dogs. haha ihanay ba ang babies sa hayop.
--> SAME SAME. OH, AND I LIKE BEARS, TOO. THE BIG BROWN BABYISH KIND.
8.i'm thinking of having a haircut. --> I'M THINKING OF HAVING A REBOND.
9.i smoke habitually. gross out. --> AND THE GROSSING OUT GOES ON.
10. sometimes i wish i could fly. or stop time. --> I WISH I COULD DO A LOT OF MAGICAL THINGS. I HAVE SO MANY WISHES. SOBRA.
hay. nagiging senti na naman ako.
bigla kong na-miss ang 2005. at 2006. actually, 2006 was a very lucky year for me. lucky in many ways and many aspects.
i will have many more years-like-that to come. :-)
Sunday, February 08, 2009
manna, mirages, and The One
realization of the day: minsan, far-sighted ako.
minsan, everything looks good from a distance.
and then you get close, and the word "mirage" pops up in your mind.
i don't want to give up on this. i've given up enough times to know how regret can actually hound you for years.
minsan naman, hindi ako nagigive up. kaso yung mga bagay na pinagtitiisan at talagang bunibuno ko, sila naman yung parang mga maling bagay na tiyagain.
you work on being good in a Bit Player role, by the end of the day you're going to be Master Bit Player. master ka nga, pero bit player pa rin.
mali minsan ang instincts ko.
* * *
manna. kailangan ko ng manna. from god, from the heavens.
mana. pwede rin.
i was so hopeful by the start of the year, gusto kong ma-maintain yon. kasi yun lang talaga ang makakapag-drive sa kin to live through the most challenging times.
kaya kelangan magbasa ng ms. miller horoscope uli. para mabuhayan, at marefresh ang aking daydreaming faculties.
life is new. the world is new.
sometimes i wish i had spent all those years where i am now, instead of spreading myself out everywhere.
hope. yun ang di dapat mawala. may timebomb element, but god is mabait. god is magaling. god is all-knowing. alam nya ang gagawin, ang mangyayari, ang mga whys and hows, ang mga tama at mali para sa yo. bukod sa hope, faith. actually, mas importante ang faith. dahil yung hope, parang naghi-hint lang ng wonderful possibilities. pero ang faith, sigurado ka sa puso mo, 100% sure ka, na magkakaroon ng wonderful possibilities. na hindi ka papabayaan. na eventually, all will be well. and manna will fall from the sky. or crop up from the earth. or rise from the sea. or appear out of thin air.
because god knows better, so much better.
* * *
writing throws me out of balance.
then again, what job doesn't?
ang reklamo ko sa production, i can't always be clean.
ngayon na hindi ako nagpo-production, na-realize ko na it's all up to you pa rin. how you want to conduct yourself, how you want to look, how you want to live your life. no matter where you are or what you're doing. you can't make your job and excuse.
* * *
1 day and a half lang ang binigay na deadline for a full script. 11:30 am ang deadline, sunday.
sinimulan kong magsulat ng friday, late night. nakaisang sequence lang ako. tinuloy-tuloy ko buong araw ng sabado, all the way til the wee hours of sunday from 1 am til 10 am this morning. powered by caffeine and nicotine.
10 am, nasubmit ko. tapos, natulog ako. bukas, presentation. tuesday, feedback.
sana, manna.
sana hindi maging mirage ang mga pangarap.
* * *
ang career pala, parang relationship din. when you're young you will play the field. you want to be free, don't want to be tied down, you want the adventure and the great outdoors and the cornucopia of people places and experiences. but when you get older the need to settle down will insist itself upon you. you will want to find a job that you can spend the rest of your life with, a job that will take care of you, a job that you can grow old with.
i've sowed my oats. now i'm ready to settle down. sa ngayon, gusto ko nang pakasalan ang pagsusulat. gusto kong magkaroon ng maraming anak sa kanya.
i hope i've found it. i hope this is The One. isa lang talaga ang bagay na hinihingi ko. isang sign that it will take care of me.
minsan, everything looks good from a distance.
and then you get close, and the word "mirage" pops up in your mind.
i don't want to give up on this. i've given up enough times to know how regret can actually hound you for years.
minsan naman, hindi ako nagigive up. kaso yung mga bagay na pinagtitiisan at talagang bunibuno ko, sila naman yung parang mga maling bagay na tiyagain.
you work on being good in a Bit Player role, by the end of the day you're going to be Master Bit Player. master ka nga, pero bit player pa rin.
mali minsan ang instincts ko.
* * *
manna. kailangan ko ng manna. from god, from the heavens.
mana. pwede rin.
i was so hopeful by the start of the year, gusto kong ma-maintain yon. kasi yun lang talaga ang makakapag-drive sa kin to live through the most challenging times.
kaya kelangan magbasa ng ms. miller horoscope uli. para mabuhayan, at marefresh ang aking daydreaming faculties.
life is new. the world is new.
sometimes i wish i had spent all those years where i am now, instead of spreading myself out everywhere.
hope. yun ang di dapat mawala. may timebomb element, but god is mabait. god is magaling. god is all-knowing. alam nya ang gagawin, ang mangyayari, ang mga whys and hows, ang mga tama at mali para sa yo. bukod sa hope, faith. actually, mas importante ang faith. dahil yung hope, parang naghi-hint lang ng wonderful possibilities. pero ang faith, sigurado ka sa puso mo, 100% sure ka, na magkakaroon ng wonderful possibilities. na hindi ka papabayaan. na eventually, all will be well. and manna will fall from the sky. or crop up from the earth. or rise from the sea. or appear out of thin air.
because god knows better, so much better.
* * *
writing throws me out of balance.
then again, what job doesn't?
ang reklamo ko sa production, i can't always be clean.
ngayon na hindi ako nagpo-production, na-realize ko na it's all up to you pa rin. how you want to conduct yourself, how you want to look, how you want to live your life. no matter where you are or what you're doing. you can't make your job and excuse.
* * *
1 day and a half lang ang binigay na deadline for a full script. 11:30 am ang deadline, sunday.
sinimulan kong magsulat ng friday, late night. nakaisang sequence lang ako. tinuloy-tuloy ko buong araw ng sabado, all the way til the wee hours of sunday from 1 am til 10 am this morning. powered by caffeine and nicotine.
10 am, nasubmit ko. tapos, natulog ako. bukas, presentation. tuesday, feedback.
sana, manna.
sana hindi maging mirage ang mga pangarap.
* * *
ang career pala, parang relationship din. when you're young you will play the field. you want to be free, don't want to be tied down, you want the adventure and the great outdoors and the cornucopia of people places and experiences. but when you get older the need to settle down will insist itself upon you. you will want to find a job that you can spend the rest of your life with, a job that will take care of you, a job that you can grow old with.
i've sowed my oats. now i'm ready to settle down. sa ngayon, gusto ko nang pakasalan ang pagsusulat. gusto kong magkaroon ng maraming anak sa kanya.
i hope i've found it. i hope this is The One. isa lang talaga ang bagay na hinihingi ko. isang sign that it will take care of me.
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