the other night someone gave me advice. about "heart" matters.
ironic, because it was like superman playing joe d' mango to lois lane.
except that there never was a romantic relationship involved between adviser and advisee.
and that superman is actually, ehem, supergirl.
hah! bad joke.
don't ask me if he's my type. i just might answer you. truthfully. and end up ruining our friendship.
maybe you're right. about life being all about risks. but i'd rather not apply that to this one. not because of how i feel about him (uhm...i might need a little more push maybe), not even because of how i feel about you (believe me, you wouldn't want to know), but because my instincts tell me that he will only end up hurting me later.
they all do. even you.
and don't even tell me i'm a cynic. i'm too romantic to be a cynic. palibhasa dreams come true for you. palibhasa nakukuha mo ang mga gusto mo. not that you're to blame for it. some people are just luckier than others.
and some are just too lovable to fade into oblivion.
nothing compares to you. i don't know why i keep singing that song whenever that person is around. maybe i do mean it.
i'd rather think that way than eventually give some son-of-a-jackal--whoever that may be--the chance to break me some godforsaken day.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
ulan
lagi na lang...umuulan...parang walang katapusan...
pag ganito ang panahon, sasabayan pa ng ubo't sipon, lalo lang lumulungkot ang mga araw.
andaming dapat gawin, andaming dapat asikasuhin. maraming pwedeng problemahin but somehow my thoughts keep drifting towards the one thing that's not supposed to bother me at all.
tama na nga yan, paulit-ulit na lang e.
hay rose. i'm perilously starting to sound like you. hehe. parang gusto ko tuloy tumakbo sa inyo. may extra box pa ko ng favorite mong vietnamese coffee. at isang kaha ng marlboro menthol.
insulin, insulin. i need some blood-sugar right now. not even coffee and cigarettes can haul me out of this rut. and to think that i was virtually soaring, not too many days ago.
ganyan talaga.
tag-ulan na kasi e. more frogs will turn up, frolicking in the rain. and the princes will be nowhere in sight.
pag ganito ang panahon, sasabayan pa ng ubo't sipon, lalo lang lumulungkot ang mga araw.
andaming dapat gawin, andaming dapat asikasuhin. maraming pwedeng problemahin but somehow my thoughts keep drifting towards the one thing that's not supposed to bother me at all.
tama na nga yan, paulit-ulit na lang e.
hay rose. i'm perilously starting to sound like you. hehe. parang gusto ko tuloy tumakbo sa inyo. may extra box pa ko ng favorite mong vietnamese coffee. at isang kaha ng marlboro menthol.
insulin, insulin. i need some blood-sugar right now. not even coffee and cigarettes can haul me out of this rut. and to think that i was virtually soaring, not too many days ago.
ganyan talaga.
tag-ulan na kasi e. more frogs will turn up, frolicking in the rain. and the princes will be nowhere in sight.
Friday, July 07, 2006
let it soar
seasons are turning again.
i always get that feeling around this time of the year.
today i paid a really huge debt. argh. i'm poorer by several thousand pesos but at least it's a burden off my conscience. finally, no more guilt for anything.
just sad feelings. aww.
the other night i went back to a familiar place with the new bunch of co-workers. it was a place that i used to haunt, not so long ago, with the peeps from Da Kapamilya. i miss Da Kapamilya.
a nostalgia trip. sitting there, virtually seeing images from countless eating/drinking/videoke sessions of the past year appear and dissolve right before my eyes. someone's birthday. dinner breaks. post-Finals parties. cheers, jeers, boisterous laughter. sisig, pancit canton, mechado, half-empty bottles of san mig light. wobbling my way to the bathroom after three bottles. holding the microphone for someone as he sings his favorite song on videoke, him melting people's hearts in the process. just sitting right next to that person for the entire night, savoring what i thought would be the last time i'd ever be in a non-work-related gimik with him.
at that time i thought that i'd never get to share san mig lights with him again. not in the immediate future, at least. but i was wrong.
seasons turned, and soon i found myself clinking san mig bottles with him, this time in the middle of a dancing crowd. he was the same, but somehow i was not, and somehow my affection for him wasn't like before. back then i'd come to like this person against my will, but this time around it was a choice. i choose to let myself be taken again, because it's safer than treading the unfamiliar territory of new people and new loves. safer, because where this person is concerned, i've probably been through the worst. i can't get hurt any more than i already have.
more of a friend now than the One Who Got Away. yet still there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of those silly ideals. it's happiness in little doses, sans the risks.
and so i let it soar.
i always get that feeling around this time of the year.
today i paid a really huge debt. argh. i'm poorer by several thousand pesos but at least it's a burden off my conscience. finally, no more guilt for anything.
just sad feelings. aww.
the other night i went back to a familiar place with the new bunch of co-workers. it was a place that i used to haunt, not so long ago, with the peeps from Da Kapamilya. i miss Da Kapamilya.
a nostalgia trip. sitting there, virtually seeing images from countless eating/drinking/videoke sessions of the past year appear and dissolve right before my eyes. someone's birthday. dinner breaks. post-Finals parties. cheers, jeers, boisterous laughter. sisig, pancit canton, mechado, half-empty bottles of san mig light. wobbling my way to the bathroom after three bottles. holding the microphone for someone as he sings his favorite song on videoke, him melting people's hearts in the process. just sitting right next to that person for the entire night, savoring what i thought would be the last time i'd ever be in a non-work-related gimik with him.
at that time i thought that i'd never get to share san mig lights with him again. not in the immediate future, at least. but i was wrong.
seasons turned, and soon i found myself clinking san mig bottles with him, this time in the middle of a dancing crowd. he was the same, but somehow i was not, and somehow my affection for him wasn't like before. back then i'd come to like this person against my will, but this time around it was a choice. i choose to let myself be taken again, because it's safer than treading the unfamiliar territory of new people and new loves. safer, because where this person is concerned, i've probably been through the worst. i can't get hurt any more than i already have.
more of a friend now than the One Who Got Away. yet still there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of those silly ideals. it's happiness in little doses, sans the risks.
and so i let it soar.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
lookin through the back of my head
me, counting backwards:
tuesday. film shoot was wrapped at 6 in the morning. hitched a ride with production assistant Jason. talks, talks on the way home.
Jason:
olats talaga sweldo sa pelikula, kumpara sa TV. dati nung nagsho-shotlister ako sa TV 9 thousand ako a week. nakabili nga ako ng kotse e. first time ko to sa film pero napansin ko ala naman masyadong pagkakaiba...except yung film camera.
Me:
malaki naman ang pagkakaiba, dude. na-try ko na rin mag-TV pero bumabalik pa rin ako sa pelikula. kung pera ang pag-uusapan talagang mas malaki sa TV pero iba ang fulfillment sa pelikula e.
Jason:
siguro nga kung passion ang pag-uusapan, pero olats talaga ang sweldo e.
Me:
eh marami ka naman kasi atang binubuhay kaya ganon..
Jason:
hinde a! binata ako!
the person had been obliquely making jokes on the set that he had "families to feed", so i was surprised by the revelation. all the more was i surprised by my reaction to it--bat parang may dint of gladness akong naramdaman sa sinabi nyang yon?
hah. puyat, pagod, at depression lang siguro. i'd know better not to go there.
monday. i had more energy today than i did the day before. and the scenes we'd taken had further convinced me that this is not just another one of those movies that will come and go and quickly fade into memory. i have much respect for the direk. he knows what he wants, and he achieves it. any first-time feature-length director would have been happy in his situation. the film's rushes are looking great.
my energy was jacked up a bit more when we had a surprise visitor on the set--the Fil-Am direk from F0ll0win@ R0sa, the foreign film we'd shot last year. he's in town for additional shots. when back then i'd been Miss Fishstick Tightass to him (kasi emotionally affected, hehe), now i'm simply glad to see him. i realize now that in my case, my relationships with people improve when 1) the Boss is no longer the Boss, and/or 2) when the Crush is no longer the Crush.
sigh. which brings my thoughts to my night-out with friends last Saturday. but that will have to come later.
sunday. exhausted and puyat from the gimik of the night before, i went straight to work. ang init sa bahay na pinagshootan namin. tapos wala pa kong masyadong tulog. but i survived the day just remembering happy memories from the night before. hehe. browsing through my digicam and looking at the pictures i'd taken. it would literally make me smile.
saturday. went to Malate with a bunch of friends from Da Haus. it had been a while since i had a nightout like this. what a rarity. what a rush. what a memory. and i can go on and on and on.
this one merits a separate entry. :-)
tuesday. film shoot was wrapped at 6 in the morning. hitched a ride with production assistant Jason. talks, talks on the way home.
Jason:
olats talaga sweldo sa pelikula, kumpara sa TV. dati nung nagsho-shotlister ako sa TV 9 thousand ako a week. nakabili nga ako ng kotse e. first time ko to sa film pero napansin ko ala naman masyadong pagkakaiba...except yung film camera.
Me:
malaki naman ang pagkakaiba, dude. na-try ko na rin mag-TV pero bumabalik pa rin ako sa pelikula. kung pera ang pag-uusapan talagang mas malaki sa TV pero iba ang fulfillment sa pelikula e.
Jason:
siguro nga kung passion ang pag-uusapan, pero olats talaga ang sweldo e.
Me:
eh marami ka naman kasi atang binubuhay kaya ganon..
Jason:
hinde a! binata ako!
the person had been obliquely making jokes on the set that he had "families to feed", so i was surprised by the revelation. all the more was i surprised by my reaction to it--bat parang may dint of gladness akong naramdaman sa sinabi nyang yon?
hah. puyat, pagod, at depression lang siguro. i'd know better not to go there.
monday. i had more energy today than i did the day before. and the scenes we'd taken had further convinced me that this is not just another one of those movies that will come and go and quickly fade into memory. i have much respect for the direk. he knows what he wants, and he achieves it. any first-time feature-length director would have been happy in his situation. the film's rushes are looking great.
my energy was jacked up a bit more when we had a surprise visitor on the set--the Fil-Am direk from F0ll0win@ R0sa, the foreign film we'd shot last year. he's in town for additional shots. when back then i'd been Miss Fishstick Tightass to him (kasi emotionally affected, hehe), now i'm simply glad to see him. i realize now that in my case, my relationships with people improve when 1) the Boss is no longer the Boss, and/or 2) when the Crush is no longer the Crush.
sigh. which brings my thoughts to my night-out with friends last Saturday. but that will have to come later.
sunday. exhausted and puyat from the gimik of the night before, i went straight to work. ang init sa bahay na pinagshootan namin. tapos wala pa kong masyadong tulog. but i survived the day just remembering happy memories from the night before. hehe. browsing through my digicam and looking at the pictures i'd taken. it would literally make me smile.
saturday. went to Malate with a bunch of friends from Da Haus. it had been a while since i had a nightout like this. what a rarity. what a rush. what a memory. and i can go on and on and on.
this one merits a separate entry. :-)
Saturday, July 01, 2006
dream for an insomniac meets total eclipse
high and happy in the mornings, plunging in the evenings.
and sleepless, to boot.
there must be a biological explanation to this. and i think there is.
gotta give some to get some, i used to say. maybe this time around what i'm getting ain't worth what i'm giving. i've been this way for the past two weeks. maybe i should go back to normal mode. and quit the bad habits.
day 7 of 17 days in about 48 hours. tapos gigimik pa bukas ng gabi. gusto mo yan ah. gusto mo..?!
oo. kasi parang total eclipse ang gimik na to. paminsan-minsan lang pwedeng mangyari.
shet na insomnia to. sleep, beeyatch, sleep.
and sleepless, to boot.
there must be a biological explanation to this. and i think there is.
gotta give some to get some, i used to say. maybe this time around what i'm getting ain't worth what i'm giving. i've been this way for the past two weeks. maybe i should go back to normal mode. and quit the bad habits.
day 7 of 17 days in about 48 hours. tapos gigimik pa bukas ng gabi. gusto mo yan ah. gusto mo..?!
oo. kasi parang total eclipse ang gimik na to. paminsan-minsan lang pwedeng mangyari.
shet na insomnia to. sleep, beeyatch, sleep.
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