Week 10

more changes, but i'm not ranting.  the longer, the better. the more surprises, the better.

one temptation i can't help but give in to: when our daughter bursts in through the door, all giggly and happy, plops down on the bed, asking me to play P vs Z with her.

and she, throwing herself all over me, saying "mama ang lambot lambot mo talaga". hahaha. kakainis. pwede bang hindi maging malambot? malambot = mataba, anak. will you lose your love for me kung mawala ang human kutson mo?

happy memory #1001--  when she bursts in through the door every morning, in her school uniform, to say goodbye to me. throwing herself at me. hugging me goodbye.

our daily convo:

me- ano kayang aaralin ni audrey ngayon sa school?
a- "A!"
me- "A" na naman?? di na umusad??

then she would giggle. like chimes, to me. chimes in the breeze, my daughter's giggle. i wonder if how long will she giggle like that. til 6 yo? 7?

kaya kahit may deadline ako.kahit nagmamadali supposedly, di ko maresist ang batang to. dahil hindi sya habang panahong ganito. i dread the time when she'd be leaving the house with just a "bye ma" and a peck on the cheek.  and be gone the entire day, and come home late at night, with the same brief reply. yung dadaan dadaanan na lang kami. yung may iba na sya buhay sa labas ng pamilya namin. :-(

of course children have to grow up. pero lagi kong sinasabi sa 5 year old na 'to-- sana kahit malaki ka na, mahal na mahal mo pa rin kami ha.  sana sweet ka pa rin.

and she'd just say yes and giggle. kahit di nya alam kung bakit ko sinasabi yon, sana subconsciously maitanim ko sa utak nya yung mensahe.

Week 10. Week 9 wasn't mine. somehow that makes me sad. yung sense of ownership, nabawasan. but we can only go solo for so long in this setup. masyadong mabilis angbuhay for slowpoke me.

now THIS is what i REALLY feel

gets ko sya. up until that moment she decided to leave. leave the love of your life? why? i totally get the reason, it's on paper. pero yung emosyon ko. yung emosyon kooooo! di kita magets bitchessa! hindi!!!! ang tanda mo na ha!! pati si C dinamay mo!

pag may stumbling block na ganun, mahirap magpatuloy. pero you just try to understand her. kahit mahirap. you rationalize. itawid mo. kasi pag hindi mo naitatawid sa papel malamang hindi rin maiintindihan ng mga tao. if you dont know the answers, they won't either. it's what you put in there.

so wk 7 onwards was when she just. lost me. but i'm trying to make it work, this relationship with this girl. cause magsasama pa kami til next year. hindi sya ako. pero sinusubukan ko syang unawain.

kainis lang. ang fluid up to that frickin moment. nanay mo may kasalanan. jowa paparusahan? damn twisted logic.

ilang beses ko nang nasabi yan sa mga confidantes at sounding boards at mga immediate na kinauukulan. dahil pag ikaw hindi mo maintindihan, hindi mo maisusulat. the first person you will have to convince is yourself, bitch.

last note. instead of that uber tight sando on C, sana pala bunny rabbit girl's shirt na lang. that would look cuter on him. and ill bet it would go viral. anything on C is viral-ous.

C wearing L's bunny rabbit t-shirt. that would be cute.  SAYANG!

P.S. the fans like the 3r1k santos song. i don't. ako lang ba? hindi lang talaga maganda sa tenga ko. hindi rin ako namumove emotionally. it sounds so 80s. throwback feels.

madness tuesday

changes, changes everyday.

NKKLK.

nasa gitna ka na. biglang titibagin. biglang mag-iiba.

oh well. daily realities.

as if  chasing (missing) deadlines isn't bad enough.

lugmok ako ngayon, puyat, masama pakiramdam. and honestly. times like these... money is my only consolation.

yes, they love the show, yadda yadda. thank you lord. but at the end of the day. it's really all about money to me.

di ko kailangan ng prestige. kailangan ko, moolah.

madness. rght now, just let me fuckin succumb to it. itigil muna natin ang pag-ikot ng letcheng (masikip at lonely) na mundong ito. at maging baliw lang at magsisigaw. dahil need ko ng moolah. at nabubwisit ako sa mga anak ng diyos na dahilan kung bakit mababawasan ang moolah at kailangang magmadali ng mga inilalabas namin. para maaccommodate ang oras nya.

i love those moments. when i feel like i'm in love with you, and i was born for you. but those moments are rare. at sa mundong ito, na sobrang bilis, wala akong time namnamin yung mga moments na yon. dahil 50:50 ang Golden Rule dito. bilis, ganda. pag wala ang isa, wala ring kwenta.

daily realities.  a bitch.

hindi ko alam kung para ba ako sa yo. siguro tama yung isang writer na kakilala ko.  sa ngayon, para ako sa yo. at this point, i'm meant to be here. but if i am. bakit lagi akong late. bakit parang may something sa loob ko na sinusubok ang tadhana. is it a subconscious effort to...i don'nt know... just spit at the concept of time? am i really meant to be this for the rest of my pokpoking life?

which brings to this thought- i want an early retirement. but before you can afford something like that, you should fuckin SAVE. SAVE like you've never saved before. because you can never save enough. the more you save, the earlier you can afford freedom.

i love this. most of the time. no scratch that. half the time. i'm just sad about less moolah now.

stress. more real to me than anything in my list of daily realities to live with, these days.

ayokong magkasakit sa stress. butina lang, nababalanse ng good feelings.

healthy sa body ang show. makes me smile, makes me happy, watching. paano pa kaya kung hindi ko mahal ang show. stress x 100. patayan na ito. ayoko...

may iba akong buhay sa labas nito. pero sa ngayon, ito ang mundo ko hanggang pebrero.

the ones who got away

i miss doing these.

i miss those quiet days and nights in the kitchen. engrossed in the work. yes, i was that serious. i took baking and cookie decorating verrry seriously. 

she was a very engaging mistress. and there was actually a mad moment when i had wanted to run away with her. make her my "wife". 

but then... sigh. the legal wife got a whiff of what i'd been up to. started putting the pressure on me. 

then the mistress got demanding, too. and it came to a point when i had to choose. 

i was a coward. i couldn't fight for what i desired. di ko sya kayang ipaglaban, kasi natatakot akong iwan yung "asawa" ko. maybe i could've made the gamble. but at that point it was too big a gamble. i'm a breadwinner to my parents. i'm sponsoring my brother in college. i still have financial goals. wanting our own house and lot. aiming for millions. many, many goals still. 

of course, there's that possibility that someday this could become a lucrative business. but it might take years before we could break even and start profiting. i couldn't risk that. not until brother is out of frickin' college. mabilis na lang gastusin ang pera ngayon. you can never save enough. 

besides, the "wife" has been so good to me. she has taken care of me for the past 5 years. i lost my "virginity" in the industry to her. in many ways, i grew up with her. ang ganda pa ng pangalan nya. kaya kahit anong akit sa akin ng "kabit" ko...ang hirap i-ignore ng mga factors na yon. kung magbabalak kang hiwalayan ang "asawang" ganon... it will have to be really worth it. prize catch sya sa mata ng marami. and once upon a time, i too, had only dreamed of her. she was a dream come true. just like how this mistress became to me.  

so i had to break up with the kabit.  as in, sever all ties. kasi alam ko, kapag half-half ako, madadarang na naman ako. it's either i love you, or i don't. 

well. it was fun while it lasted.  and we had many "children". 

at narealize ko rin, mas mahal ko ang misis ko. i belong with her. this is what i'm meant to do, for the next few or many years. i think. 

but who knows. maybe someday. babalikan kita. pwede siguro ngayon, pafling fling. pero hindi na negosyo. i'll bake for family. i'll bake for friends. pero not for money. 

ibibigay na yun sa akin ng wifey ko. sabi ng wifey ko, just be good to me. give me what i need. work hard on it. you won't have to worry about money. haha. #sugarmommy

hay, the kitchen. my second home. someday, babalikan kita.  like the shooting set. babalikan ko kayo someday. 

for now, back to the phosphorus screen. deadline to meet baby! bring it on, wifey! 

write like your life depended on it.

and it does.
at least, livelihood does.

pero kung magsusulat ako na parang may nakatutok na baril sa ulo ko at kung ma-late ako kahit 1- minuto eh puputok ang baril, tingnan lang natin kung malate pa ako, ever. EVER.

so yan ang bago kong motivation. tama na ang soft motivation (clarky). hard naman ngayon. di ka makuha sa landi, makuha ka sa sindak beeyatch.

pero may little voice in my head kasi na lagi akong dinadarang. WAG KA MUNA MAGSULAT. MANOOD KA MUNA NG DVD. MALIGO KA MUNA. KUMAIN KA MUNA. GAWIN MO NA MUNA LAHAT BAGO YUG DAPAT MONG GAWIIIN.

hindi ko alam kung saan galing yun. demonyo, malamang. at ang dami nyang ginagamit na instrumento.

oo na. fine. walang ibang dapat sisihin sa pagiging late ko kundi ako.

dapat medyo taasan ko ang pagpapahalaga ko sa punctuality. kasi aminado, mas importante sa akin ang quality. isipin mo na lang, sa criteria ng 100%, 50-50 sila. walang lamang. kung maaga nga pero pangit, laos. kung maganda nga pero late, LAOS pa rin.

50-50. kelan ka makaka100%??? ayoko na ng 50% letche! baka nga 40% ka lang, kaya wag ka magmaganda!