Day 21 of 28 (+1) Days

we wrapped the shoot early today. nothing to crow about; today should've been a day off. and tomorrow the service van picks us up at 4:14 in the morning.

what the--?!?

i should be going to bed now.

* * *

i have rekindled my relationship with television. it has become my "other" favorite pastime, next to the internet.

* * *

stars, stars. everyone loves a star. the "stars" in our movie aren't exactly super-famous (some may be popular in their own countries, but practically unheard-of in the philippines), but they're the ones who provide the "glamor" in this bloody process that is moviemaking. they're the ones who have to look good and act like everything is real and effortless, while the rest of us are drenched in sweat while trying to mount the film together. when the audience sees this film, they will remember it for the stars, which places stars way up there in the moviemaking foodchain.

that's just the way it is. and it's perfectly alright to me. so long as they don't get bratty. haha.

four things that endear an actor/actress to me:
1. s/he remembers his/her action continuity
2. s/he acts the part convincingly, with depth, using a wide gamut of emotions as required by the scene and/or the role.
3. goes out of his/her way to be gracious towards everyone.
4. works cooperatively with the rest of the staff and crew.

a scene between Kieu and Vanessa. girl talk.

the male lead star, du$tin nguyen

dying scene at the docks.

one of the cutest of the bunch, j0hnny nguyen

the sweetest and most vibrant of em all, 8dmund ch8n. we all love him!

Kim and Kieu on harnesses...look, we're flying!

mother massages child. the actress who plays the mother is my favorite Actress in the cast. radiant, seasoned, delicate, beautiful woman.

have to go. CSI: Miami on AXN tonight.

* * *

WAHOO! i'm going home june 13. a full two weeks away, but what's two weeks? a breath and a blink away, in these fast interesting times.

fire's up

ayun naman pala. may excuse naman pala.

because i thought i had proven my suspicions right. that you're merely a spark in the storm. easy come, easy go. i was ready to file away your case in the "lost cause" bin. and then you came to the surface. aba!

but who knows. baka it would turn out na lost cause ka nga rin. and if that would be the case i don't think it would be of any loss to me. it would make no deep dent on my psyche.

invest none, lose none. like i always say.

* * *

day 17 of 28 days over. eleven more days to go. i'm back on my feet. thank god. two days of rest, some self-motivation, and a lot of prayers were all i needed. fight to the finish na to. despite all obstacles. despite all odds.

haha. parang gasgas na tagline.

i still think of home everyday. and the things i'm gonna do when i get back.

* * *

a lot more things i'm learning at work. the director's another one of those nice ones. i'm glad cause i've been lucky in the sense that all the directors i've worked with are such darlings. verbal blows from ill-tempered directors (some pinoy mainstream direks are notorious for this) is something that i'm not sure i can handle with grace. i'm too transparent for my own good.

hohum. sleepy. tired. day 18 tomorrow. i pray for a productive day.

where's the fire?

i'm so glad there's the internet.
i hate being in my hotel room sometimes.
i can't stand the silence. i can't stand the noise in my head. something's amiss here. something's gone.

the fire. where's the fire?

parang gusto kong ipadasal na sana maging depressed enough ako para maiyak at magkaroon ng catharsis. cry it out of my system, so that the next day i'll be back on my feet again. pero ayoko pa rin. baka pagod lang to. baka lilipas din sya.

OA na rin naman kung homesickness pa rin to. isang buwan na ko dito sa ho chi minh (tatlong linggo na lang! yehey!) syempre nami-miss ko pamilya ko, ang kwarto ko, ang mga kaibigan ko, ang videoke, ang pilipinas. pero hindi naman sya emotionally crippling.

ewan. maybe it's just loneliness.

i've met a bunch of nice friendly people at work, people from the daily carpool at packup time. exchanging funny shoot-related anecdotes on the way home has become one of the highlights of each day. but after all that, when i finally retire to the hotel room, the emptiness descends upon me. a thick, settling fog. it stays with me until i fall asleep. then comes back when i wake up for yet another work day.

what is happening to me?

* * * *

funny how we develop an instant fondness for people who remind us of the ones we love. like me having a soft spot for short middle-aged ladies, because they remind me of my mother. or fat little boys, because they remind me of my brother. for the past two nights i've been fawning over this little boy who came to our shoot. he reminds me of my brother so much.

now i realize how much i miss the fat li'l bro. almost every fat li'l boy i meet instantly becomes endearing. i watch cartoon network in the hotel room tv and i'm reminded of him. he loves watching those things.

i'd rather drone on and on now than retire to that empty hotel room. we just finished Day 15 of 30 shooting days, just came home an hour ago. and i'm wide awake. feeling low. going insane. probably.

all of a sudden naiinggit ako sa mga maliliit na bata. walang keber sa buhay. walang problema, walang self-directed pseuo-existentialist questions, wala pang maraming phobias/hangups/insecurities/traumas at kung ano pang emotional baggages na nagpapakumplika sa tao. may mga panahon namang naiinggit ako sa mga taong simple lang ang buhay. yung walang mataas na pangarap at kuntento na sa pagkakaroon ng sariling pamilya. the more you want in life, the more you have to work at getting it. sa ngayon, i'm just too...tired to be up for the challenge. tired, or just not passionate enough to be up for it.

siguro dalawang araw na pahinga lang ang katapat ng kadramahang ito. pero ayoko pang bumalik sa hotel room ngayon. hindi pa ko inaantok at ayokong mag-isip, ma-depress, ma-homesick, o atupagin ang mga dapat pang gawing homework.

hay. gusto ko nang gumawa ng sarili kong pelikulaaaaaaa.
gusto ko ng masarap na cake.
gusto kong makausap ang kapatid ko.
gusto kong magbakasyon sa tabi ng dagat.
gusto kong kumain ng balut.
gusto kong antukin.
gusto ko nang matapos ang backlog paperwork.
gusto kong tangayin na lang ng agos kung saan nya ko gustong dalhin.
gusto kong magkaroon ng "inspirasyon" na hindi magiging source of frustration.
gusto kong magyosi.
gusto kong wag mag-isip.

nakakabobo rin pala pag ingles ang gamit mong salita sa everyday life. my oral english gets so bad sometimes, i cringe the moment the words come out of my mouth. i even used the (totally) archaic word "posterior" when i was talking to the direk today.

"posterior?" he said, amused.

euww. ano ba. didn't even know i had that word in my vocabulary.

inspirasyon

tama si rose. kelangan ng inspirasyon sa buhay minsan.

if there's no one, then look for one. or two. or three.

laging tanong ng mga kaibigan at kapamilya ko sa pinas, ano, meron ba dyan?

syempre, wala.

wala. at ayokong magkaroon. masamang paghaluin ang inspirasyon at trabaho minsan. case-to-case basis naman yan, pero sa ngayon sa tingin ko eh hindi magiging healthy.

dangerous pa nga. kasi maliit ang mundo ngayon.

di kaya pagbalik ko eh isama ko sa mga plano ang pagkarir sa love life. magiging ok kayang pagsabayin ang pagkarir sa love life at pagkarir sa One Great Dream? magiging inspiring ba o distracting?

malamang pagbalik ko natauhan na ang mangilan-ngilan sa mga nangangarir, malamang iba na ang kinakarir nila by then. expected na naman, ano lang ba ang mawawala sa kin kundi pagkakataong makalibre ng kape, lunch, o dinner. kaya ko namang bilhin yon.

sa october may uuwi from abroad, someone i've virtually known for about a year, pero hindi ko sya kaibigan, hindi ko nga sya masyadong kakilala, at lalong hindi ko sya pinapagtiwalaan. bat ka naman magtitiwala sa isang hindi kaibigan. guilty unless proven otherwise, right. hah.

but i'm looking forward to it. somehow. pero at this stage ng relationship namin hindi ko masyado pang naiisip ang taong yon. so much can happen in three weeks, what more four months.

hayhay, kumusta na kaya si ________. sino na naman kaya ang niyayaya nya ngayon for "just one date that no one will ever know"?

tama ba ang nari-read ko sa mga fwendster msgs ni ________? i can sense that something's lost there, something that used to be there several weeks ago. time and distance. it's a bitch, dude, but it's completely understandable.

ayoko na ring isipin si ________ at ang dyowa nya. tama na yung isa't kalahating taon ng katangahan. but i can't help smiling each time i remember that face. wala eh. kelangan ng inspirasyon minsan.

di ba, rose?

18 days to go

shoot na naman mamayang 11:30 PM.
day 12 of 30.
counting the days, still.
ewan. kung gusto mo ang ginagawa mo, di ba dapat hindi mo binibilang ang araw?
eh bat parang kulang na lang hilahin ko ang mga araw?
hindi ko ba gusto ang ginagawa ko?

these days i live for the work. because my world has been revolving around it for the past three weeks, and it will stay that way for four weeks more. what is real is what is here now. and aside from co-workers, aside from the cold hotel room that has merely become sleeping quarters, the work is the only big thing to live for.

gusto ko ba ang ginagawa ko? gusto ko bang maging sekretarya/katulong/assistant ni direk sa set? bat ba andami kong reklamo? it's a job, period. you don't have to love your job, so long as you don't hate it. i can stand the job, i find fulfillment from it in some ways, and that's enough. because it's a JOB. it's a way to live.

not to mention a way to learn. stubborn and ma-pride that i am, ayokong i-admit sa harap ng certain persons na may natututunan ako sa kanila. actually isang tao lang naman. kasi itong taong to stubborn at ma-pride din, at may test of wills na nangyayari minsan sa aming dalawa.

ewan ko. what do i have against men? battle of the sexes ba ito? bat lagi akong defensive at combative pagdating sa karapatan ng mga kababaihan? sumali na lang kaya ako sa gabriela pag-uwi ko sa pinas? ayoko lang nang tinatry akong kontrolin, lalo na pag hindi ko magulang o hindi ko boss. at lalo na pag lalake. syet. lalaban talaga ko.

hemingways, kelangan ko nang kumain. kakagising ko lang ng alas-5 ngayong hapon dahil natapos kaming mag-shoot ng 10 am kanina. ilang oras na lang kailangan na namang pumalaot at magtrabaho.

hay. iritable na naman ako. kaya ako natatawag na bitchy ni frog princess e. kasi pag iritable ako nakasimangot ako. at napapadalas ang pagyoyosi. hay frog princess di ko talaga makakalimutan yon. a year from now matatawa pa rin ako pag maaalala ko.

ang sarap magtagalog. nabubulol na ko sa english dito.