where's the fire?

i'm so glad there's the internet.
i hate being in my hotel room sometimes.
i can't stand the silence. i can't stand the noise in my head. something's amiss here. something's gone.

the fire. where's the fire?

parang gusto kong ipadasal na sana maging depressed enough ako para maiyak at magkaroon ng catharsis. cry it out of my system, so that the next day i'll be back on my feet again. pero ayoko pa rin. baka pagod lang to. baka lilipas din sya.

OA na rin naman kung homesickness pa rin to. isang buwan na ko dito sa ho chi minh (tatlong linggo na lang! yehey!) syempre nami-miss ko pamilya ko, ang kwarto ko, ang mga kaibigan ko, ang videoke, ang pilipinas. pero hindi naman sya emotionally crippling.

ewan. maybe it's just loneliness.

i've met a bunch of nice friendly people at work, people from the daily carpool at packup time. exchanging funny shoot-related anecdotes on the way home has become one of the highlights of each day. but after all that, when i finally retire to the hotel room, the emptiness descends upon me. a thick, settling fog. it stays with me until i fall asleep. then comes back when i wake up for yet another work day.

what is happening to me?

* * * *

funny how we develop an instant fondness for people who remind us of the ones we love. like me having a soft spot for short middle-aged ladies, because they remind me of my mother. or fat little boys, because they remind me of my brother. for the past two nights i've been fawning over this little boy who came to our shoot. he reminds me of my brother so much.

now i realize how much i miss the fat li'l bro. almost every fat li'l boy i meet instantly becomes endearing. i watch cartoon network in the hotel room tv and i'm reminded of him. he loves watching those things.

i'd rather drone on and on now than retire to that empty hotel room. we just finished Day 15 of 30 shooting days, just came home an hour ago. and i'm wide awake. feeling low. going insane. probably.

all of a sudden naiinggit ako sa mga maliliit na bata. walang keber sa buhay. walang problema, walang self-directed pseuo-existentialist questions, wala pang maraming phobias/hangups/insecurities/traumas at kung ano pang emotional baggages na nagpapakumplika sa tao. may mga panahon namang naiinggit ako sa mga taong simple lang ang buhay. yung walang mataas na pangarap at kuntento na sa pagkakaroon ng sariling pamilya. the more you want in life, the more you have to work at getting it. sa ngayon, i'm just too...tired to be up for the challenge. tired, or just not passionate enough to be up for it.

siguro dalawang araw na pahinga lang ang katapat ng kadramahang ito. pero ayoko pang bumalik sa hotel room ngayon. hindi pa ko inaantok at ayokong mag-isip, ma-depress, ma-homesick, o atupagin ang mga dapat pang gawing homework.

hay. gusto ko nang gumawa ng sarili kong pelikulaaaaaaa.
gusto ko ng masarap na cake.
gusto kong makausap ang kapatid ko.
gusto kong magbakasyon sa tabi ng dagat.
gusto kong kumain ng balut.
gusto kong antukin.
gusto ko nang matapos ang backlog paperwork.
gusto kong tangayin na lang ng agos kung saan nya ko gustong dalhin.
gusto kong magkaroon ng "inspirasyon" na hindi magiging source of frustration.
gusto kong magyosi.
gusto kong wag mag-isip.

nakakabobo rin pala pag ingles ang gamit mong salita sa everyday life. my oral english gets so bad sometimes, i cringe the moment the words come out of my mouth. i even used the (totally) archaic word "posterior" when i was talking to the direk today.

"posterior?" he said, amused.

euww. ano ba. didn't even know i had that word in my vocabulary.